Hi Lumpy_,
I have reassured him that that's not what I meant, but he's now complaining he feels like there are, 'rules'. Help?
well, this is a common struggle with understanding boundaries. It comes from not fully understanding that "boundaries are rules FOR OURSELVES". Not fully getting your head around the "for ourselves" is where things break down. There is no good solution for trying to communicate a boundary to another person who is likely to step over it without risking to appear as controlling. Because when you do that you are de-facto controlling, you want your statements to make an impact on the behavior on the other side and it is not surprising the other side takes notice and feels like listening to rules.
There are several aspects to worth contemplating:
1) Do you have a need to get the ok from the other side for your boundary? Would not be surprising in an enmeshed relationship. Freeing yourself from this need is a big and important step.
2) As (at least for the first boundaries) it is likely that it will be crossed a few times is it worth communicating details. What benefit would the other side which is struggling to control themselves get from that? Would it not be more important to re-assure consistently that a time-out is a time-out, a time-out is for you and not hostile and not the end of the world?
3) Is it a risk to communicate where exactly the line for you is? The other side may be leveraging this for playing games and toeing the line just to get you on the edge. Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable behavior and the other side does not need to know where exactly for you totally unacceptable begins. In fact some uncertainty here may be beneficial as it decreases the sense of control for the other side.
4) Are you very afraid of having to defend the boundary? Then if it is not important you should not have it. And if it is critically important then the price you are paying is justified. It may not be pleasant and it may in extreme cases terminate the relationship but you had thought this through and were ok with it. If you have been here longer you will see that everyone had to defend their first boundaries because
a) they mattered
b) they were put explicitly in place because they were crossed habitually
c) breaking habits is hard. In most cases won't happen without an extinction burst.
So it is worth being worried, it is worth being prepared for an extinction burst but there is little you can do to prevent it. What you can do is manage the escalation during the burst by stepping away and validate the upset emotions around the boundary in the aftermath.
5) Boundaries are re-enforced by consistent behavior (and not talk) from your end.
Boundaries are initially not easy for most people on the staying board. After the first few they get easier and are respected with less extreme reaction from the other side. Getting them in place is one of the significant turning points and totally worth it.
