My BPDw's obsessive behavior

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw continues to be happy with her studies and busy with her work. She is so obsessed and/or so overjoyed with her busyness, that the only thing that she feels that she is contributing to our relationship is preparing some meals. When I have addressed her about the importance of our relationship, she says "in a couple of years".

What does having a relationship mean? Time together besides having meals served, going on some dates, having some fun, and yes even being intimate. We have done none of that for over 8 years now. 8 years ago, she became extremely influenced to go from being involved in our relationship to how she is now due to a "medium counselor" who is a man hater at best.

I visited with some friends of mine yesterday who talked about their daughter who was married to an also very obsessive husband. She eventually divorced him due to the fact that he didn't put time or effort into the relationship.

Considering my situation and considering what I heard yesterday, it makes me feel that much more alone in this relationship with the "possibility" of "a couple of years" from now, that we can resume the relationship. I have mentioned this before, but one of the reasons my BPDw divorced her first husband was because he too was obsessed with his work, etc. When I made that comparison to her, she said: "Now, I know why he did it."

Is my BPDw paying me back due to her first husband? Whatever may be her reasoning, I feel like the Dr. Zeuss' elephant waiting on top of the tree. Sure, I've got my own professional joy, my escape if you will; however, my professional joy is being undermined with the sadness I feel due to my BPDw.

[Sunfl0wer]

It is difficult when our partner seems uninterested in putting much effort into plugging into the relationship.  Sorry you are dealing with this.

I wonder too if she is paying you back for something in her past, maybe the exH.

That is what I realize my uBPDexbf did.  Once our MC in private session said to me, "I think that he doesn't know the difference between you and her."  And after she told me that...     it all made sense.  That is exactly what was going on!  He would treat ME the way he wish he treated her.  The revenge he never gave to her because she walked out on him, he gave to ME.  It was weird, because it was so clear to me.  He would "pretend" or think that I was out to get him, out to take his D away from him, out to take advantage of him financially, that he behaved to me as a person should if I had HER past! 

[123Phoebe]

Samuel, when I become fixated on something my partner is doing, it has helped to switch it around and look at myself.  Is there a chance that you are becoming obsessed with your wife's obsessive behavior?

What would happen if you let it go?

Stop thinking about her man-hating medium counselor. (in a negative way)

Stop thinking about her studies. (in a negative way)

Stop thinking about her work. (in a negative way)

Stop thinking about her exh. (in a negative way)

makes me feel that much more alone in this relationship

I feel like the Dr. Zeuss' elephant waiting on top of the tree. Sure, I've got my own professional joy, my escape if you will; however, my professional joy is being undermined with the sadness I feel due to my BPDw.

And:

STARTed tending to your feelings  

[Samuel S.]

123Phoebe, I have been actually a rather positive guy who has been abused emotionally, degraded both personally and professionally, and now neglected by my BPDw, unless she wants or needs something. In a manner of speaking, I have been brainwashed to believe that she is "the high and mighty", that her words and that her emotions count. Thus, she is behaving exactly how her mother was when my BPDw was younger. Sound familiar about the abused becoming abuser? Well, this is a reality!

My BPDw has decided to take every single word of her medium counselor, to pursue her own new career. As for pursuing a new career, that is what she wants to do, but she freely admits that she has gone to the extreme. She has told me she "may" want to consider becoming closer to me and to have a regular relationship after her 4 year program. She told me that. That is a reality!

I do think that her studies are what is making her happy. So, I am not negative or obsessive about that. Nevertheless, the reality is that she is the one that is being obsessive. She wants to know everything perfectly. While we can respect that, she has taken it one step further by devoting very little time to her D18, her side of the family, her friends,and me.

Her work is important for her and has helped with the bills. So, I am not negative or obsessive about that.

As for her exh, I am not negative or obsessive about him. It is over.

Again, she has gone from one extreme of saying how loving, caring, and devoted she is compared to my first wife to abusing and neglecting me. That's a reality that I experience every day. That is why I feel much more alone in this relationship, and that's a reality.

The sadness that I feel is because of my BPDw. For you to line off that in my post, that is a complete invalidation. You doing that is only harming me and not helping me. You don't know what I experience. It is a reality.

Yes, I have been tending to my own feelings. I am angry. I am upset. I am hurt. I have expressed this to her a lot. Yet, she does not believe in compromise. It is her way or no way. It is a reality.

Again, the only way I have been able to live is in the outside world where I have been able to teach and to help others. I have helped myself by doing this. Otherwise, I would be far worse than I am now.

[123Phoebe]

Samuel, are you choosing to stay with your wife, for now?  May I ask why?

In a manner of speaking, I have been brainwashed to believe that she is "the high and mighty", that her words and that her emotions count.

Her words and emotions do count.  And so do yours!

The sadness that I feel is because of my BPDw. For you to line off that in my post, that is a complete invalidation. You doing that is only harming me and not helping me. You don't know what I experience. It is a reality.

I can see how you would feel invalidated by me lining that off in your post; I'm sorry, my intent is not to harm you.  You're right, I don't know what you experience.

This was my experience: If I'm choosing to stay with my bf, and I feel alone and sad in the relationship, then am I also choosing to feel alone and sad?  :)o I have other options?

Your wife has shown you over and over again who she is and what's important to her.  My bf has, too! Believing them is accepting them.  

Is hoping she will change more important than your own joy?  I, for one, believe that finding your true joy is super duper important!  I hope you believe it, too

[Samuel S.]

Hoping that she will change is important, and so is my joy important!

My BPDw has been really very nice, not abusive, but complaining about some of her fellow workers. Then came tonight. She complained about how 2 of her fellow workers who work in different offices were complaining over the phone during office hours. She said it was very unprofessional. I couldn't believe what I heard. She is a hypocrite! Some time ago, when I went to a pharmacy where she knows the pharmacist, I got the flu shot. He and she talked to one another afterward with him jokingly saying that I was there with "another woman", which was absolutely false! In turn, she said that I should be there with "another woman", because she is so busy with her studies and her work. They had a good laugh about it. When she told me about this conversation, I eventually had enough nerve to call him up to tell him how unprofessional he was and that she is very verbally and very emotionally abusive. He said he "didn't recall" the conversation. Several days later, he called me up when she wasn't home, saying that he now remembered the conversation, that he did say that, that he couldn't sleep, and that he wanted to apologize to me, which he did. In fact, he was very apologetic. Fast forward to tonight, she called some other people's conversation as being unprofessional. When she wasn't looking, I just rolled my eyes. If I were to have brought up her original conversation or if I were to have brought the conversation tonight, I would have hell to pay. Yep, I am afraid of her, and I thus have carried a lot of hurt and anger. I was okay after a while, but for her to open up the wound again, she just jabs the knife in that much more so.

[workinprogress]

She is a hypocrite! Some time ago, when I went to a pharmacy where she knows the pharmacist, I got the flu shot. He and she talked to one another afterward with him jokingly saying that I was there with "another woman", which was absolutely false! In turn, she said that I should be there with "another woman", because she is so busy with her studies and her work. They had a good laugh about it.

I want to bring up a point about her saying this... .I think she is planting seeds for her own marital destruction.

For years my wife cut me off from the fulfilling sex life we once had.  It was very hard for me to deal with.  When I tried to discuss this with her she would tell me to go get it somewhere else.  She would also tell me that my needs didn't matter and so forth.  She said very dismissive things that were very hurtful to me.

So, it left me vulnerable.  When eventually I did minimal attention outside the marriage (which was totally wrong on my part, but it is a long story) she totally blew up.  She played the victim and told everyone she knew that I was out screwing around (I wasn't, it was more emotional than anything). 

Another point, is your wife hanging around anyone else other that the medium who is having a negative impact on her attitude towards your marriage?

I noticed that when my wife hung around certain women, she would be angry at me all of the time. 

[Samuel S.]

One of the fellow workers that I was refering to, she has been a negative influence, because her husband has been fooling around, etc. Now, she hates him, but she feels bad for him due to some medical issues he has. So, yes, bottom line, my BPDw is around her 2 days a week, and this fellow worker is a negative influence. The medium, though, has a negative background about men, is not married anymore, talks positive stuff, but only focuses on the self and not the self with others. The only thing that makes her happy and positive is doing her own thing with her studies which is virtually all the time. You mentioned about not having sex. It's been some 8 years since my BPDw and I have been intimate. She just told me one day "no more".

[workinprogress]

One of the fellow workers that I was refering to, she has been a negative influence, because her husband has been fooling around, etc. Now, she hates him, but she feels bad for him due to some medical issues he has. So, yes, bottom line, my BPDw is around her 2 days a week, and this fellow worker is a negative influence. The medium, though, has a negative background about men, is not married anymore, talks positive stuff, but only focuses on the self and not the self with others. The only thing that makes her happy and positive is doing her own thing with her studies which is virtually all the time. You mentioned about not having sex. It's been some 8 years since my BPDw and I have been intimate. She just told me one day "no more".

Think long and hard about this.  When the four years are up, will she recommit?  Or, will you be able to reinvest in the marriage?

She is setting herself up to be the victim.

[workinprogress]

SS, are you paying for her education?

[Samuel S.]

She says she will recommit to the marriage. Whether she does or does not, that's anyone's guess. I just don't know. As for her current education, she has borrowed money from her sister.

[Samuel S.]

Yesterday was rather an emotional day, to say the least! My BPDw and my D18 needed time by themselves, seeing that my D18 attends college and have limited time together. So, I left for the day and went to a movie. Then, I decided to visit a former student's father who is in ICU after having had heart surgery. This was the same ICU where I was 14 years ago after having almost died. Nevertheless, I focused on the reason for being there yesterday, namely, to visit him. Afterward, I met 2 women whose names are exactly like my own daughters, which was rather bizarre, but coincidences do happen!

Yesterday evening, I found out from my BPDw that her sister's ex-husband just found out he has pancreatic cancer. His doctor told him he has 2 months to live. He has a major attitude problem and has been extremely selfish. My BPDw reported this to me, and within the same breath, she said her family's pain is not as much as her own pain due to having lost a child. While what she said was true, it was really discounting the pain that her family has and will have. However, she always does something like this. It is really negating others' pain so that the attention can go back to her, that her pain has more weight than theirs. She does not realize that pain is pain, that her own pain can be a way to listen, to love, to feel compassion, and to grieve.

[Samuel S.]

My BPDw freely admitted that she is acting in an "extreme" way by focusing so intensely on her studies. She came to this conclusion, because she can't sleep past 5 AM without her brain waking up. Thus, she starts thinking about she is learning and needs to learn. Then, she gets tired by the end of the day. She has also shared with me even tonight how she is having this test and that test and this final 2 months from now along with having to work, etc. Well, you get the picture! She is doing a lot. I validate a lot, but I don't advise, because she has to figure it out. While I admire her will to do all of this, she is complaining about everything. I also sense that because she is so stressed, that she wants me to feel the same stress that she feels, even though I validate what she says and does. I essentially feel that she is a chaos seeker to get attention from me. Well, she gets my authentic validation. I did give in for a long time and became stressed like she continues to be, but that gets old, especially when she has control of what she does and freely admits she is acting in an "extreme" way.