why the grieving now?

[Depression = 72% of members]

try to be brief here ... .got painted black 5 months ago never got back to speaking terms but I went LC for I had a grudge ,,she made me feel weakened ,had a couple brief conversations but for the last 2 months I was extremely LC and hell bent on getting a transfer cause we work together and I no longer wanted to even see her ,,got the transfer was gone in an instant ... .haven't seen her in three weeks ,,I felt at peace ,,but for the past few days grief has set in I feel depressed and think about the situation often ,, I've been on here preaching ignoring and NC with a fire and brimstone attitude but truth is I myself  and let me say she is not nor ever has engaged me she stays out of my way when not speaking to her so her trying to engage seems highly unlikely and that's for the good but if she did I couldn't right now say what I would do therefore feel weakened again

[ghoststory]

try to be brief here ... .got painted black 5 months ago never got back to speaking terms but I went LC for I had a grudge ,,she made me feel weakened ,had a couple brief conversations but for the last 2 months I was extremely LC and hell bent on getting a transfer cause we work together and I no longer wanted to even see her ,,got the transfer was gone in an instant ... .haven't seen her in three weeks ,,I felt at peace ,,but for the past few days grief has set in I feel depressed and think about the situation often ,, I've been on here preaching ignoring and NC with a fire and brimstone attitude but truth is I myself  and let me say she is not nor ever has engaged me she stays out of my way when not speaking to her so her trying to engage seems highly unlikely and that's for the good but if she did I couldn't right now say what I would do therefore feel weakened again

[jhkbuzz]

try to be brief here ... .got painted black 5 months ago never got back to speaking terms but I went LC for I had a grudge ,,she made me feel weakened ,had a couple brief conversations but for the last 2 months I was extremely LC and hell bent on getting a transfer cause we work together and I no longer wanted to even see her ,,got the transfer was gone in an instant ... .haven't seen her in three weeks ,,I felt at peace ,,but for the past few days grief has set in I feel depressed and think about the situation often ,, I've been on here preaching ignoring and NC with a fire and brimstone attitude but truth is I myself  and let me say she is not nor ever has engaged me she stays out of my way when not speaking to her so her trying to engage seems highly unlikely and that's for the good but if she did I couldn't right now say what I would do therefore feel weakened again

Everything you're experiencing right now is normal: the anger, the depression, even the thought that if she contacted you, you might be willing to strike a bargain to get the r/s back... .all of these emotions are part of the 5 stages of grief. (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0).  

I think I would have given every last penny I had to stop ping-ponging back and forth between the stages.  I'd be feeling pretty good, feeling like I was in the "acceptance" (5th) stage and then **BAM** I'd cycle back into depression - or anger. I'm 7 months post b/u and I still ping-pong sometimes, but the painful feelings are much less intense and my recovery time is much quicker... .an hour instead of days.

In many ways, the "anger" stage was my favorite because it was numbing - I felt less pain when I was angry.  But depression follows that stage, and it's very, very painful - I know. It's a necessary, healthy thing though, to grieve the loss of the r/s before you move forward into acceptance and your own healing.  It just takes time.

Take comfort in the fact that you are moving through your grief in a healthy, normal way - and that you WILL start feeling better over time.  You WILL. One foot in front of the other, one day at a time.  

[ghoststory]

thank you for replying ... .I think It was set off by someone who gave an opinion on me ignoring her as the wrong solution and she wanted to be on good terms ,,I know that person doesn't understand the underline issue and must except I will be seen as the bad guy in whole thing by some ,that is where this place really helps and before I knew what BPD was I had to come to terms that this has happened to me a few times so this incident also triggers the past memories and I have to deal with my core issues ,,I thank you for the article and your words of encouragement means a lot ,

[jhkbuzz]

thank you for replying ... .I think It was set off by someone who gave an opinion on me ignoring her as the wrong solution and she wanted to be on good terms ,,I know that person doesn't understand the underline issue and must except I will be seen as the bad guy in whole thing by some ,that is where this place really helps and before I knew what BPD was I had to come to terms that this has happened to me a few times so this incident also triggers the past memories and I have to deal with my core issues ,,I thank you for the article and your words of encouragement means a lot ,

You're welcome  

People do have their opinions, don't they?  The most important thing for you is to take care of YOU - don't feel guilty about that.  Your instincts have been good so far: having limited contact even when you worked together; taking actions to get transferred so you don't have to see her at all; those are healthy acts of self preservation, GOOD FOR YOU!  

The truth is that you are only 3 weeks n/c... .that is a very short period of time. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  It's very hard when someone you love has a mental illness, because you're torn between your feelings and your gut - and your gut KNOWS that ending the r/s is the healthiest option.  But it's still very, very hard.

I can tell you that it takes time, but now that you are truly n/c your healing will begin.  Your pain will lessen and you'll start moving forward. How are you "dealing with your core issues"?

[ghoststory]

you know that's funny cause I am the opposite of a Borderline I don't attach to people at all but when I do I am loyal forever ,,I do stand up and safe to say that all people who do have un underlined sadness to them and in our own right are (excuse the term) but "attention whores" ,,that's where I think the borderlines come in they give all the attention you could ask for at first ,,this time though I thought a big step was already being taken I Didn't know what BPD was but I knew I had been here before ,,and after a few social outings I decided since we work together romance is a bad idea but ensured her I need a friend and we were , I thought I could stop it by not having a romantic element ,,I was wrong ,,

funny the thing is it still played out like it was a romance even co workers would joke that we have a strange love/hate thing and this is the thing couples do, not "friends" my core issue was I still desired the attention and that probably was selfish on my part

a friend told me something that makes sense ,she said "even though you did the right thing bottom line is you rejected her " she had started doing strange things before the black phase , informing bosses of things I had objected to putting me in bad work situations the devalue stage , and then the fight picking me reacting and then the black came , looking back I think this was her way of turning the tables I didn't reject her she rejected me ,,

anyway throughout this I think it's evaluate me as someone starving for love and see the difference in ways it is presented ,it's not all the same but I think this time is the first time I saw it before hand and feel progress has been made and now with new understandings more progress is to come ... .

I also am sorry you and anyone else has had to go through this and we all see a brighter future

[jhkbuzz]

you know that's funny cause I am the opposite of a Borderline I don't attach to people at all but when I do I am loyal forever ,,I do stand up and safe to say that all people who do have un underlined sadness to them and in our own right are (excuse the term) but "attention whores" ,,that's where I think the borderlines come in they give all the attention you could ask for at first ,,this time though I thought a big step was already being taken I Didn't know what BPD was but I knew I had been here before ,,and after a few social outings I decided since we work together romance is a bad idea but ensured her I need a friend and we were , I thought I could stop it by not having a romantic element ,,I was wrong ,,

funny the thing is it still played out like it was a romance even co workers would joke that we have a strange love/hate thing and this is the thing couples do, not "friends" my core issue was I still desired the attention and that probably was selfish on my part

a friend told me something that makes sense ,she said "even though you did the right thing bottom line is you rejected her " she had started doing strange things before the black phase , informing bosses of things I had objected to putting me in bad work situations the devalue stage , and then the fight picking me reacting and then the black came , looking back I think this was her way of turning the tables I didn't reject her she rejected me ,,

anyway throughout this I think it's evaluate me as someone starving for love and see the difference in ways it is presented ,it's not all the same but I think this time is the first time I saw it before hand and feel progress has been made and now with new understandings more progress is to come ... .

I also am sorry you and anyone else has had to go through this and we all see a brighter future

I know what you mean:  I'm not quick to attach but once I do I'm loyal and all in.

I think it's easy to be swept up by all the attention in the beginning - and it sounds like that's what caused you to cross your boundaries (about being involved with someone you work with).  But what do you mean, ":)idn't know what BPD was but I knew I had been here before"? Have you been in another r/s with a pwBPD?

[ghoststory]

yes ... .at least 3 times before and a couple of friends one who in fact stalked me and here in the last few months have gotten a friend request and a "like" to my comedy page from obvious fake facebook  pages ,,now can't say it's her she may have new objects and doesn't think of me but the paranoia lingers from the past ,

you know the saying " true definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior and expecting a different result " so this time I got on the laptop and researched researched and researched and found the answers I'd been looking for and found here,, I had always placed the blame on me maybe I was to soft or showered to much attention or became annoying,, and mostly I treat people the same I tease and poke fun at everyone in a funny jerk manner so I also chalked it up to once women find out I'm not actually a jerk they lose interest ,,so while I do have my own issues of self I was relieved that there is also this that comes into play and not everything was a reflection on me as a person but as an object an extension of their past ,,in fact this time the light bulb went off when in 3 years of us working together I didn't pay that much attention to her she is a very attractive women and gets showered with male attention 24/7 but we always kinda clashed and had distance but got along mostly in brief situations ,, so when all of a sudden I became the greatest thing ever,, I found that odd and one night we were talking and she told me about her terrible relationship with her father and how he never paid attention and when he did it was brief and I knew right there that's what this is I resemble dad ,,that combined with her hyper sexual attitude and dressing habits ( that I never  judge a women in a negative way for,, for people are who they are ) is a dad issue and later discovered combined with a BPD issue ,

geez I ramble I am sorry to speak so much on my issue ,,I'm curious on how you found out about yours how did you end up here and how you have dealt with it? ,,for I value your thoughts

[jhkbuzz]

so while I do have my own issues of self I was relieved that there is also this that comes into play and not everything was a reflection on me as a person but as an object an extension of their past

Yes, it was a relief to me when I realized that mental health issues were at play and that it wasn't "all me" - it wasn't that I was screwing everything up, as she repeatedly suggested was the case.

I was in an 8 year r/s, and by year 7 I finally figured out that she had mental health issues.  At first I thought it might have been Dissociative Identity Disorder, but a lot didn't "fit" so I kept reading.  When I read about "quiet" borderlines or borderline "waifs" suddenly everything began to make sense.  Eventually I found my way to these boards.  Healing has been very slow, but steady.  I'm 7 months post break up and 5 months no contact.  I also started seeing a therapist a few weeks before she moved out and that's been really, really helpful.

Earlier you said that you've been in 3 r/s's with pwBPD, and had at least one friendship.  Any ideas why you keep landing in these types of r/s's?  Although it takes some time, your healing truly begins when you start to shift the focus off your ex and onto yourself, and begin to examine what kept you in a r/s that met so few of your needs.

[downwhim]

for me the grieving is on and off too. Lately, it has been other couples that I know who are moving on in their lives, goals, ambitions, togetherness, life partners that depress me. I think, why can't we be like that? Why did I waste almost a decade and I have NOTHING to show for it but knowledge on BPD?

I could of written this:

I was in an 8 year r/s, and by year 7 I finally figured out that she had mental health issues.  At first I thought it might have been Dissociative Identity Disorder, but a lot didn't "fit" so I kept reading.  When I read about "quiet" borderlines or borderline "waifs" suddenly everything began to make sense.  Eventually I found my way to these boards.  Healing has been very slow, but steady.  I'm 7 months post break up and 5 months no contact.

8 year relationship with 2 recycles, final recycle was an engagement. He got more angry after the engagement. He picked fights, raged, silent treatment. It was like he was on high gear BPD. I had no idea what he was so upset about. The fact of the matter was we got too close. He needed to sabotage it and run.

At 6 months out I do not have that gut wrenching anxiety I once had. I am coming out of the FOG slowly and I am working on getting my self esteem back. He did a number on me and I let him!

So, it is all a process... .

[ghoststory]

I thank you all it is true the shift does have to be on me now and my need to crave this kind of attention i know i have caretaker problems and try hard to convince people who feel unworthy they are but alas a BPD there is no convincing maybe they are an extension  of me feeling unworthy at times and this is my projection ,,:all i have to show is a knowledge of BPD " is spot on ... .but the fact off feeling loss is why we all deserving of something more and i hope we all find it