help with setting 'new' boundaries

[rise_up]

ive started a new thread here that follows up from another post i did earlier this week entitled "being called selfish, with no empathy".

i got some wonderful encouragement from you regarding a rage incident.

the one big boundary with my SOwBPD is that if she yells or slams doors/cabinets, i will exit the situation usually for 10-15 minutes. she hates it obviously, and feels tremendous abandonment even though i state the timeframe and stick to it religiously.

lately she has been side stepping the boundary and acts outs with sarcasm and insults but whispers them in a very creepy manner- thinking "i can say what i want if i don't yell".

how do i basically refine the boundary to mean: if you yell and hit things and slam stuff, i'm leaving. if you insult me with specific name calling like (shut up, ___ you, ___ off, you selfish narcissitic b*tch), i will not tolerate it and will leave too.

when she has called me names, i have had the biggest urge to exit, but that would spiral everything into more chaos because it was not an original boundary. so i feel like im disrespecting myself by just sitting there, taking it and getting increasingly agitated which causes me to JADE and shut down. repeat cycle.

in my previous post, people have encouraged me to validate and then exit. i feel like i need to wrap my head around that. it seems like it would be a good idea and if i get it right would be effective.  would be the best way of approaching that? it sounds like a new boundary of sorts.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[waverider]

Rather than setting the boundary around if she does XYZ, set it around the principle of "if she makes me feel like XYZ". This way it avoids the semantics of what is and what is not an "infringement'. The reality is the consequence it has on your emotional well being is what matters.

Boundary flanking is the next thing that happens after extinction burts don't work.

>> If I feel abused/disrespected etc This then covers all methods employed to make this happen.

[takingandsending]

Hi rise_up.

Waverider's suggestion is a good one. Our boundaries come from our core values or beliefs: how do you want to treat people in the world, how do you want to be treated? Those essential beliefs we hold make the foundation for our boundaries. It's not so much about yelling, it's about communicating with respect or consideration for me. I call it civil communication, and that is one of my 2-3 boundaries I have had success in developing with my uBPDw.

The Lessons here on boundaries really helped me figure it out. I suggest reading them (it's either in 3 or 4), and then give it a try. Consistency is really important to the person with BPD. It will probably make things a worse if you state your boundary and either don't follow through with it or not be consistent in stating/applying it when it is crossed.

[Michelle27]

When I first read about boundaries years ago and realized I didn't have healthy ones anymore, I struggled with setting them.  At first, I made them about my uBPDh, not about me.  I went about it all wrong, and of course, it didn't solve anything.  I've since learned that setting boundaries are not about making someone else's behavior change, it's about respecting myself enough to not tolerate things that hurt me.  That made a huge difference.

[waverider]

To use a medieval analogy, it takes less man power to man the castle walls to keep the rebels out, and let them run rampant all over the countryside than it does to venture out and try to subdue them edicts and policies.

Think what do you want to achieve and what is the easiest and simplest way of achieving this without over extending yourself with contestable complexities.

Sometimes we are afraid to admit to ourselves the obvious. Which is "you are upsetting me and i dont like it". Instead we try to think of reasons as to why they shouldn't do XYZ. An indirect form of JADE. We end up with multiple specific boundaries rather than one basic one. We try to dress them up under the disguise of what is fair and reasonable. Fair and reasonable is not what boundaries are about, they are about self preservation.

[ColdEthyl]

rise_up,

My H will go into name calling when in dysregulation. What I say to him is "We can talk about this, and you are allowed to be angry, but I am allowed to not be treated badly. If it continues, I am going to leave for 15 minutes so I can calm down." And that works for me... .he blusters a bit, but he does calm down and stop name calling.

I like everyone's idea that your boundary should be to not take anything that makes you feel bad. I did what you did... .sometimes for hours. Letting him sit there and scream, yell, curse, throw things, call me everything in the book. He does not do that now. More and more everyday, our communication gets better.

Hang in there! I am so glad to see you thinking about boundaries to protect yourself

[formflier]

  it's about respecting myself enough to not tolerate things that hurt me.    

Very well said!

[rise_up]

thank you everyone. Waverider- your analogy made perfect sense and strongly resonated with me.

i think that i have overcomplicated things with having multiple boundaries related to specific behavior rather than simple, basic boundaries that protect the way that i feel.