Undiagnosed mother?

[Marr]

Hi all,

Thanks for taking the time to read this potentially rambly post.

I have a mother that I'm pretty sure has BPD but wanted to check if it sounded like it too to others because I seem to be the only one who has finally realised and at 26, I am the youngest of 3!

I was recently in a counsellors office talking about her and she snapped her head up and mentioned it sounded like she had it and it hit me like a truck. I didn't know the specifics of BPD but just knew there and then it was right. Albeit not as seriously as some people have it.

She is a very intelligent woman who was essentially abandoned by her mother at a young age and lived with her father until he died in a tragic climbing accident at what is now my age.

I grew up cringing around her, in social situations, knowing from a very young age the other person was not quite getting her and her behaviour was always 'just off' and I'd think WHY are you being so rude or not REALISING you're acting strangely? I've been told later it's atuned to me not trusting anyone, and as an adult, I still think if anyone is being slightly off, not themselves or 'fake' it makes me very very anxious and angry and I can't stand to be around them.

She has the classic symptoms of being able to switch from one mood to another, and a very controlling awful side that means you just can't get through to her at all. (It sounds very silly but at the moment it's to do with doors in the house her and my father live in. If you visit, you'll walk in to a room and she'll say SHUT THE DOOR before you say anything. She claims it's to do with a draft, but it's so obsessive and controlling it's very strange. You literally can't speak until you've shut it. So you get in to a pattern of doing it but one day it'll change and she'll suddenly announce you can't shut it because of something and you think, hurrah! But it never lasts long.)

She'd suddenly make something out of nothing a lot and as a teenager me and her clashed a lot. I'd become convinced she was being sneaky and vindictive and a lot of the time I was right but I always got in trouble. I can never quite figure her out, what mood she'll be in or whether what I say will receive good reception. When she lets her guard down for a flash, she's so amazing & I get so hopeful but then it only lasts a minute. You can probably tell I'm very atuned to people's emotions and I get vibes off people very well. I'm convinced it's because I spent so long trying to work her reactions out and as an adult now I can see it more clearly. As a child, when you think your parent knows everything and is the be all and end all I was constantly thinking she was in the right.

Anyway, she does not have it to a point where she physically abused us or we were put in care, but she does have a hint of the classic narcissism too. Not to an abusive extent by any means but she lies a lot, she'd use me and I would repeat stories and she'd be very much ' What? No, that's not what she did/said' infront of people and make me look stupid. From casually mentioning she'd got into Oxford but turned it down, and me just knowing it's not true, to saying she bought a car and drove across America, to then hearing at a dinner party how she'd got the same coach as him when she did it. It was never in a grandeous way, in front of all these people, it just seemed to be little lies just to me and maybe the others, I don't know. Me and my siblings are very separated, I don't remember ever playing together or having any form of relationship with them. I'm sure we did when little but as we got older there was definitely nothing there and still isn't.

My behaviour went off the roof, and I'm very worried sometimes because I'm like my mother a lot. I went very dramatically down hill as a teenager and still suffer severe anxiety and depression. I had knee jerk reactions to everything and told everyone to ___ off basically and was very ungrateful. Mum would go from being my comforter and offering to pay for me to do college again to suddenly using it against me and threatening to do other things.

An example of what I may be talking about is, I visited last weekend to their home. My dad is very deaf in old age and just tends to block her out. She constantly criticises him and it's hsockign when you see it but then she'll claim it's because it's so hard being his carer and you don't know what to think. Anyway they aren't that old and are still all there. They went to some drinks around the corner in the village and I had a nap, I woke up to banging on the front door like there was some kind of disaster/emergency. Really hard, insane banging. By the time I jumped out of bed and went to the top of the stairs my father had let them in with the keys. She'd run ahead of him to use the toilet, knowing i was in and had just gone crazy at the door. The neighbour had come out to ask if everything was ok, they live in a very lovely quiet village and my father not knwoing what had jut happened looked very confused. I started saying to her, what's wrong, why did you go so crazy on the door and she just ignored me and said ' I needed the toilet, i needed to be heard'. It wasn't normal or right, at all. It was very very strange. She didn't just knock she attacked the front door. Unpredictable things like that make me very unnerved, I don't whether it's bullying, controlling or what.

We went to visit my sister who's emigrated for her wedding and they rented a house that we lal stayed in, and on the first night, I had jet lag and went upstairs to sleep. The next morning my sister told me mum had gone mad and started telling her really strange things and started to try and make her feel bad. We'd been helping set up her marquee for her very laid back wedding in the garden and apparently mum had suddenly just started saying ' me and MArr just wanted to go home the toher day, we were So tired' out of the blue, for no reason. Out of context. My sister took a while to realise what was going on and announced to me she nearly told her this is why she moved, because of all the games. I'd never heard any of my siblings announce anything like that before. I always thought there was just something wrong with me, as all the attention was directed on how badly I behaved for years.

I'll stop there, thank you if you've managed to read it all! I just want to know if it sounds similar to anyone else's experience? Some of the examples sound so much worse for others that I do not want to annoy anyone but growing up with her has been very distressing and it's definitely shaped who we all are, which is quite isolated individuals. Either way, it would be nice to know/hear other people's stories Thanks again.

[Kwamina]

Hi Marr

I'll stop there, thank you if you've managed to read it all! I just want to know if it sounds similar to anyone else's experience? Some of the examples sound so much worse for others that I do not want to annoy anyone but growing up with her has been very distressing and it's definitely shaped who we all are, which is quite isolated individuals. Either way, it would be nice to know/hear other people's stories Thanks again.

And thank you for sharing your story with us! Welcome to bpdfamily  Having a mother with BPD can be very difficult and confusing for a child. I have an undiagnosed BPD mother myself and I indeed can relate to a lot of what you're saying here. This aspect of 'strange and inexplicable' behaviors for instance. What might help to keep in mind is that, under the assumption that your mother does indeed have BPD, her behavior might not always be the result of rational thinking but more of emotional thinking. This is true for everyone to an extent, difference is that people with BPD often tend to act more often out of emotion  and irrational thinking than non-disordered people. Would you say that this could (partly) explain your mother's sometimes curious behavior?

You mention not knowing whether it's bullying or controlling. We have an article here that you might find interesting. It's about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG). Here's a short excerpt:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Do you feel like fear, obligation and/or guilt are things your mother uses to intimidate, 'manipulate' or control you? You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

I'm very worried sometimes because I'm like my mother a lot. I went very dramatically down hill as a teenager and still suffer severe anxiety and depression. I had knee jerk reactions to everything and told everyone to ___ off basically and was very ungrateful.

Many children of BPD parents find themselves struggling in their adult lives, often with anxiety and/or depression like you. You mention talking to a counselor, is she helping you deal with your anxiety and depression?

In what ways do you feel you are a lot like your mother? Many of the members here have worried about possibly having BPD themselves. However, exhibiting BPD traits doesn't necessarily have to mean you have BPD yourself. It could also be that you have learned certain BPD-like behaviors from your mother and/or developed certain coping mechanisms that might be unhealthy in the long run. Fortunately these kinds of learned behaviors can also be unlearned or at least better managed through hard work and commitment. Do you feel like you might be dealing with learned BPD-like behaviors and/or certain coping mechanisms that you developed as a child growing up with a BPD parent?

[livednlearned]

Hi Marr,

I wanted to join Kwamina in welcoming you to the site, and wish for you as much help and support as I have received. It's clear you have a lot in common with many of us here, and this is a community where we help each other, so I'm sure if you keep posting and reading you will find it helpful.

Anxiety and depression are very common for children who have BPD parents. The volatile moods, things not seeming to be what they are, goal posts always moving, walking on egg shells -- and like you said, when you're a child, you constantly think this person is right.

It sounds like your therapist has been helpful you unlock the puzzle to your family. It's quite amazing to have the "light bulb" moment when we found out about BPD - it explains so much.

Please tell us more about yourself, and your situation, as you get comfortable here.



LnL

[Marr]

Hi both,

Thanks for the welcome. This is all very new to me. I only saw that counsellor once and couldn't afford to go back so I'm dealing with this on my own/on this forum.

Kwamina thank you for the articles, I will definitely give those a read. I feel my mother is very emotionally led. She is increasingly negatively emotionally led, I see her less and less happy. However, when it comes to actual emotional things she is very bad at dealing with it. I broke down in tears a while back for example about something traumatic that had happened to me in my younger years and she just sat there, while her best friend gave me a hug. She doesn't know how to be warm and emotionally giving. Later, her friend confided in me that she'd never ask my mother any advice for anything emotional or expect it from her. Everytime I see her I feel she doesn't want me there. She can switch off and be very cold. The incident with the front door - I kept trying to say to her it wasn't normal and asked her why she went so mad and she just got extremely angry at me and acted like a toddler. Purses her lips, doesn't talk to you, pouts and is icy. Makes for a very awkward time whilst watching television together! She's like a child, you have to coax her back in to a good mood and that is almost impossible at the best of times. It's exhausting. I'm too emotionally honest to have BPD I think but I do have the dramatic side to me! I'm too worried people will think I'm fake to act any different, hence why I can't stand people who I think have an agenda or are hiding something. I get very anxious.

I don't know why it's affected me more than the other siblings, nothing has ever been mentioned. She's extremely clever which is such a shame, but it can mean she can be a bit manipulative sometimes. She lights up for some people and just cuts off with others. She phones me a lot, and our relationship has been tested a lot since I just turned against her because (without realising) I had sussed out something was wrong and kne wit wasn't right and took it out on the world. But sh ephones me most days for 5 second conversations. I dont' know whether it's control. I remember being with her All the time when I was younger. She doesn't light up when talking to me, she lights up when talking to my other brother and sister a lot. Maybe because they can deal with her and I just can't at all. But I'm definitely not liked by her.

And yes, i have severe anxiety, the eggshells and the goal posts moving are really good ways of describing my time with her so far. Very distressing.

[maemo]

Hi Marr!

I can relate to so much of what you wrote! I also have an undiagnosed mother with BPD. One thing I found really interesting is that you also don't have too much contact with your siblings. I have one brother, and I always felt like my mother pitted us against each other or really liked it when we were not close. She always seemed to want to create tension or rivalry between us. Do you feel like your mother, similarly, seems to not want you to be close with your siblings?

I can also relate to how your mom switches moods dramatically or acts "off" in front of other people. My mother can go from raging (yelling, hitting, etc.) to sobbing (pity me, blah blah), to showering with gifts and asking for hugs. It's very unnerving, and made me feel like I had to constantly guess her moods when I was younger! I still feel that stress when I am around her sometimes.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that I can really relate to what you wrote! Do you have any plan / coping strategies for how you interact with your mother?