Feeling discarded and loss of my self esteem.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello all, this is my first post on any board anywhere. My story is too familiar... .I am a man in his early forties who was in a 6 month relationship with a woman in her late thirties who was finalizing her divorce. There were flags prior to the relationship but I ignored them foolishly. We were friends beforehand and she is quite beautiful with a magnetic personality. She loves male attention and was quite open to me about the advances that men would make on her including at her wedding when a family member offered a one night stand. It was constant. She also would do socially unacceptable things such as flashing me in the presence of others or grabbing me in public. She had to be the center of attention. She villafied her ex husband and her sons father. By her account they were horrific people who hurt her terribly. She then treated me as a savior remarking that she wasn't used to being treated the way I treated her and stated I was the best thing to happen to her in a long time. She complimented me always describing how attractive I was and how her friends were saying they knew we would always get together. She remarked that she noticed people were always looking at us and that we were perfect. The affection and attention I received made me feel confident her feelings were genuine. She praised me that her ex husband never did anything with her son while I took him to do new things such as boating, shooting and hiking. She also said she had never seen her son give away his possessions as he did to me. We grew close and we were discussing our future which she seemed very eager to have. The relationship was intense and she seemed to care for me greatly. There was no arguing and we were great friends and expressed our love to each other constantly.

She had sleeping difficulties and barely ate. She made comment to me that she didn't know if she had ever been in love. The savior mentality and the villafication of exes were present as well as a history of chaotic abusive relationships as she described them. I also noticed she could be quite cold and harsh. She gave her son a kitten for his birthday and a few months later when the cat did something she did not like she told me to take the cat and another one to the humane society. I reminded her that they would be likely be euthanized and she said "I don't f$%#ing care). She would also use the eff word in front of her 13 year old son. There is much more but prior to, during, and after I saw red flags and sensed she was off mentally and emotionally. I saw a prescription on her nightstand and she commented laughingly "those are my crazy pills". Instead of following my gut I stayed in the relationship and tolerated the insecurity and pain I felt at times.

She seemed very eager for a future and were discussing an engagement in the next year. All my friends commented she was more into me than I was into her. Some used lunatic or crazy to describe her behavior in public and in general. We travelled home for Thanksgiving to meet my family and she seemed very happy and gave my family the impression that she cared for and appreciated me greatly for who I was to her and her son. During the seven hour drive home I noticed she was quiet at the end. Over the next week or two I noticed I was getting as much contact and she seemed a little distant. The last time we shared intimacy she said "I love you, I truly do". I invited her to a xmas party with co workers but learned nobody was bringing their partners. It seemed to hurt her when I told her of this. I went to the party and she went out with friends. The next day she bragged about the guys hitting on her and seemed odd. Over then next 10 days before xmas she was distant and I knew something was up. She said she was not feeling well and she would not let me help her. On xmas day she was distant and cold and did not like the gift I gave her. 2 days later we broke up saying she did not have time for our relationship, and that she did not want to date, and said she just got out of a marriage. She ripped my heart out and she was gone. We returned gifts the next day and never spoke again for two months until I went to see her. I tried contacting her at the end of January and February but my number was blocked. When we spoke she agreed to meet up again. She said she waited for me to contact her but when I didn't she blocked my number figuring it was over... .WHAT ! she dumped me on xmas and ripped my heart but blocked my number because I didn't call!. But I believed in our relationship and felt she had got cold feet and ran away from fear that she had actualy met a great guy and as she described, the perfect family. A few days later I brought her flowers and opened my heart to her and told her of my feelings. She seemed emotionless and not phased. A few minutes later a guy came in I learned was her boyfriend who she said she had been seeing a month and a half. I could not believe it and I was devastated, discarded like I meant nothing. I considered that I hurt her because I didn't chase her and that she set this guy and me up to hurt me when I brought her flowers. Never an apology... .She called me a few hours later, and described their relationship as easy with no expectations. She said she got scared after meeting my family and when I suggested she got scared because of meeting someone good who loved her and her son she replied that maybe she did. I added that everyting changed the night of the xmas party and she said she wasn't stupid and saw I was losing interest. BS... .I know I did a lot for her around xmas. She added that she might be making a mistake and when I said I doubted she would feel that way she said I'm not gonna say that. I am in strict NC and in therapy. I've never been pulled in so hard shared what we shared only to be blindsided and have it throw away. I saw the issues and instability but I continued... .I was manipulated in and she has messed with my head so much I feel like it is my fault she ended the relationship on xmas, didn't like my gift, blocked my number, and of course the traumatic realization I had when I brought her flowers. I thought we would marry, was dumped and discarded before I know what hit me, and I'm now "black".  Thank you all for reading, I have work to do, I need to heal and deal with the damage and callous rejection... .

[Patch]

Hello all, this is my first post on any board anywhere. My story is too familiar... .I am a man in his early forties who was in a 6 month relationship with a woman in her late thirties who was finalizing her divorce. There were flags prior to the relationship but I ignored them foolishly. We were friends beforehand and she is quite beautiful with a magnetic personality. She loves male attention and was quite open to me about the advances that men would make on her including at her wedding when a family member offered a one night stand. It was constant. She also would do socially unacceptable things such as flashing me in the presence of others or grabbing me in public. She had to be the center of attention. She villafied her ex husband and her sons father. By her account they were horrific people who hurt her terribly. She then treated me as a savior remarking that she wasn't used to being treated the way I treated her and stated I was the best thing to happen to her in a long time. She complimented me always describing how attractive I was and how her friends were saying they knew we would always get together. She remarked that she noticed people were always looking at us and that we were perfect. The affection and attention I received made me feel confident her feelings were genuine. She praised me that her ex husband never did anything with her son while I took him to do new things such as boating, shooting and hiking. She also said she had never seen her son give away his possessions as he did to me. We grew close and we were discussing our future which she seemed very eager to have. The relationship was intense and she seemed to care for me greatly. There was no arguing and we were great friends and expressed our love to each other constantly.

She had sleeping difficulties and barely ate. She made comment to me that she didn't know if she had ever been in love. The savior mentality and the villafication of exes were present as well as a history of chaotic abusive relationships as she described them. I also noticed she could be quite cold and harsh. She gave her son a kitten for his birthday and a few months later when the cat did something she did not like she told me to take the cat and another one to the humane society. I reminded her that they would be likely be euthanized and she said "I don't f$%#ing care). She would also use the eff word in front of her 13 year old son. There is much more but prior to, during, and after I saw red flags and sensed she was off mentally and emotionally. I saw a prescription on her nightstand and she commented laughingly "those are my crazy pills". Instead of following my gut I stayed in the relationship and tolerated the insecurity and pain I felt at times.

She seemed very eager for a future and were discussing an engagement in the next year. All my friends commented she was more into me than I was into her. Some used lunatic or crazy to describe her behavior in public and in general. We travelled home for Thanksgiving to meet my family and she seemed very happy and gave my family the impression that she cared for and appreciated me greatly for who I was to her and her son. During the seven hour drive home I noticed she was quiet at the end. Over the next week or two I noticed I was getting as much contact and she seemed a little distant. The last time we shared intimacy she said "I love you, I truly do". I invited her to a xmas party with co workers but learned nobody was bringing their partners. It seemed to hurt her when I told her of this. I went to the party and she went out with friends. The next day she bragged about the guys hitting on her and seemed odd. Over then next 10 days before xmas she was distant and I knew something was up. She said she was not feeling well and she would not let me help her. On xmas day she was distant and cold and did not like the gift I gave her. 2 days later we broke up saying she did not have time for our relationship, and that she did not want to date, and said she just got out of a marriage. She ripped my heart out and she was gone. We returned gifts the next day and never spoke again for two months until I went to see her. I tried contacting her at the end of January and February but my number was blocked. When we spoke she agreed to meet up again. She said she waited for me to contact her but when I didn't she blocked my number figuring it was over... .WHAT ! she dumped me on xmas and ripped my heart but blocked my number because I didn't call!. But I believed in our relationship and felt she had got cold feet and ran away from fear that she had actualy met a great guy and as she described, the perfect family. A few days later I brought her flowers and opened my heart to her and told her of my feelings. She seemed emotionless and not phased. A few minutes later a guy came in I learned was her boyfriend who she said she had been seeing a month and a half. I could not believe it and I was devastated, discarded like I meant nothing. I considered that I hurt her because I didn't chase her and that she set this guy and me up to hurt me when I brought her flowers. Never an apology... .She called me a few hours later, and described their relationship as easy with no expectations. She said she got scared after meeting my family and when I suggested she got scared because of meeting someone good who loved her and her son she replied that maybe she did. I added that everyting changed the night of the xmas party and she said she wasn't stupid and saw I was losing interest. BS... .I know I did a lot for her around xmas. She added that she might be making a mistake and when I said I doubted she would feel that way she said I'm not gonna say that. I am in strict NC and in therapy. I've never been pulled in so hard shared what we shared only to be blindsided and have it throw away. I saw the issues and instability but I continued... .I was manipulated in and she has messed with my head so much I feel like it is my fault she ended the relationship on xmas, didn't like my gift, blocked my number, and of course the traumatic realization I had when I brought her flowers. I thought we would marry, was dumped and discarded before I know what hit me, and I'm now "black".  Thank you all for reading, I have work to do, I need to heal and deal with the damage and callous rejection... .

[Patch]

Any insight or feedback is appreciated

[ShadowIntheNight]

Sadly, all of that sounds pretty textbook. The idealization, the devaluing, the discarding. I know it feels hard, but consider yourself lucky it was only 6 months. Some have spent many years with someone with BPD. I was with mine for 9.5 year. Her behavior wasn't like your exgf, but in the end, she left in the same way: had a replacement in place and poof! Just gone. Good you are in therapy. THey do a number on us.

[downwhim]

Patch, I am so sorry for what you are going through. Unfortunately, this type of behavior is common. When they get too close to a person they can't handle it, sabotage the relationship and move on to a replacement.

It seems to me they like to create this drama around times that are meaningful like Christmas, birthdays, Valentine's day. You have probably read my posts and know I was left after an 8 year on and off relationship via email. We got engaged and he could not handle the stress. The projection was unbearable and I had to get on anti-anxiety pills.

He hurt me so badly and this site has helped to level my head out. I have read a lot on BPD and I take full responsibility for my co dependent behavior.

N/C for 6 months... .still not healed but working on it.

I know the pain is great. Start doing something for yourself. Work out, go to T, re do your place, work on your car, anything to distract... .they have a  way of pulling us in when they want to use us again so be careful.

Yes, they are sick with an illness but honestly, it feels evil at times. We are all here for you so post away and be good to yourself

[Infared]

Patch, you sound like a healthy, balanced person. You ex partner was not.

We have similarities in the ending of our relationships.

The night you went to the Christmas party without her, she probably met that guy then. She is not balanced, everything revolves around her immediate needs. She thought that you were like her and that you were going to the party to hook up. That's what she does, always when she is on her own in a social situation. Her need (sickness) is that great. She is not balanced, and no amount of love or attention can fill that emotional void for her.

Mine did the same thing after living with me for 5 years. ... .she told me she needed to be "on her own", but in reality she was running off to another man. I believed what she was telling me though, and since I loved her so I did as she asked and gave her her space. It almost killed me to honor her request... .but I did. That is love.  Later she turned around and put it on me that I must not have loved her because I did not chase her.

Now think of how sick that is... she wanted to be laying in bed with another man and have me pounding on the door and ready to fight I guess.    

That is certainly not someone that I want In my life... .

It takes the edge off a little when we see that they are mentally ill... .and no happiness can really come their way... .but the realization for us is very painful. They draw us and many others in to feed their constant selfish need.  Someone special may keep their attention for awhile, but it ends up being fleeting.

Mine ran off right in the middle of the Christmas holidays too, left me in our home packing her belongings, feeding her cats and putting up a Christmas tree by myself... .Confused and in a world of pain...

Coming here for support is a good outlet and also can enhance your understanding of what was going on.

We also need to see our part in the situation, too so that we can grow and learn about ourselves from the experience.

[jhkbuzz]

Wow, Patch, that is a sad story... .many of us here have had similar experiences.  It's very painful. I'm glad you found your way to this discussion board.

An article that helped me a LOT in the first month of my breakup is at https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality. I found it really helpful to understand my own mental state when faced with the completely chaotic, nonsensical behavior of my ex. It sounds like you're struggling with this very thing - "... .she has messed with my head so much I feel like it is my fault she ended the relationship on xmas, didn't like my gift, blocked my number, and of course the traumatic realization I had when I brought her flowers. I thought we would marry, was dumped and discarded before I know what hit me, and I'm now "black."" 

This is a very painful place to be - I know.  I'm glad you're seeing a T and you've posted your story - the most important thing to do for yourself is try to make sense of the hurricane that just blew through your life.

What would you like to get from visiting these boards?  How can we best support you?

[Mutt]

Hi Patch,



I'm sorry you had to go through this Patch. A relationship with a pwBPD is incredibly intense and things happen at a rapid fire pace.

We're not professionals and cannot diagnose. We can look at traits and our responses and boundaries with negative behaviors and actions.

I considered that I hurt her because I didn't chase her and that she set this guy and me up to hurt me when I brought her flowers. Never an apology... .She called me a few hours later, and described their relationship as easy with no expectations.

Easy with no expectations sounds like he is more controllable and has little to no boundaries. It could be a reason why she left.

What are your boundaries like?

[mitchell16]

im sorry you had to experience that. But sounds very typical from my experience and what I have read here from others. I know its hard to beleive it, but your are very lucky you got out when you did and only invested 6 months. I wished a thousand times over i had only wasted 6 months instead of 3 years and wasted a ton of money. my ex pushed me away at about the 4 months and I just wished then I would have known about BPD or she would have had let me be and had moved on. but mine wouldnt she would start pecking at me at about the 3 or 4 week mark each time until I recycled. We would still be recycleing if I hadnt went strict NC. she still tries and its been about 7 months but I never respond. The attempts get less and less. You sound like you have a good plan and are thinking wisely with the therapy. Use these boards they are a life saver. Are your prepared for the possible recycle? if yours is anything like mine, it will come and its usually just about the time you are putting your life back togther and here they come again.

[Patch]

Thank you for all of your replies, we are all scattered across our country but I am not alone. Forgive me for not knowing how to use the quote button to answer some questions I've received. I am in great pain and my thoughts keep replaying over the relationship. I have self esteem issues from prior relationships and the hurt and rejection from them being unsuccessful and the dysfunction I have experienced.

Downwhin, I do think she sabotaged the relationship. One night I was supposed to come over and she said she would call me and let me know when to come over after her son's homework was completed and she had spoke with him about some kids making fun of him. I never received a phone call and at 9PM I received a text "I guess you didn't want to come over". I replied I was waiting for a call and she replied she thought I was coming over at 730PM. When I offered to come over anyways she advised It was a school night but I better make it up to her the next night.

Infared, like you my ex made me feel like I failed the test of love since I did not attempt to contact her after our breakup except at the end of January with a text and phone call (which were blocked) and again at the end February (which were also blocked). In my mind and heart I wanted to reach out immediately after our breakup because of a few events just prior to Xmas that she  In addition to the Xmas party and the incident described above when I awaited a phone call to come over, she also texted me late one night after I was already in bed asleep to come over at around 11PM or midnight. I was already in bed and had waited for an invite earlier I never received until then. In my mind I made a decision not to go because yes I was already in bed, but beyond that, I am not a dog on a leash and I already felt my needs and feelings were being devalued as I noticed some distance growing.

In the few weeks after returning from meeting my family at Thanksgiving I took her son backpacking/camping for the first time ever on December 7th. A week later her son was being made fun of at school for being short and my ex advised me it was bothering him. I am in law enforcement. The next day I arrived at his school in uniform and walked to his class and took he and his friend to lunch in my patrol vehicle hoping to boost his confidence among the other kids. I put up the Xmas lights at her house and when she said she felt Ill I told her I would bring her soup, take her son out for dinner, let the dog out and feed him, and above all letting her know I wanted to help and that I did not want her to be sick alone. She already had soup, her son and dog were at the ex's and she likes to be sick alone. Above all I asked to see her many times but she advised we had been a distraction lately to her son's homework as he studied just prior to xmas break.

When we broke up it was bizarre and devastating. It made no sense. I was praised for my appearance, the way I treated her and her son and I sensed she felt she had found someone good that values trust, commitment, love, and respect and does not complicate his life with vices and distractions. She was so proud of me and into me. She commented that I had the best mother and father she had ever met.

I feel like Google has given me a PHD in something I had only heard of before. I am fighting my way and WILL get to the point where my logic and intellect about what has happened are the same as my emotional response and need form her. Right now they are not. The emotional need is still there while my mind is telling me this is sick and terrible. Thus the struggle within and the ruminating thoughts trying to find a grip along with the heartache, pain and desperation in my emotions. Logic and emotional need are not in harmony right now.

I am not prepared for a recycle... .yet.  She knows how I feel her and her son and she knows who I am, what I was to she and her son and the people I come from. I am a decent catch I hope. I put it all out there. My boundries will grow as I grow. 10 percent of life is what happens to us, the remaining 90 percent is how we react... .

[Mister Brightside]

Hi Patch. Several of us definitely feel your pain since we have been/are in your shoes. This is my first post. I have lurked a bit, but decided I'd get involved, and there are a few things in your BPD experience I can relate to, so starting my post history on your message seems fitting.

One thing that sticks out to me in your situation was her bragging about all of the guys she talked to/got hit on by. It's safe to say that those with BPD fear being alone, so they not only have to have backup plans (safety), but by telling you about these men, she feels comforted in knowing that you might get the impression that you have to be extremely aware and reactive to her needs, otherwise, she can go elsewhere. Being that you did all you could for her and her son, she obviously didn't need to create the feeling of competition to make you try even harder. That was her fear talking, obviously, and of course no fault of yours. Also, in some cases they bring up other men to make you feel like you're lucky to have her when all these other guys "want" her too. A healthy woman would obviously have a self esteem that would allow her to be confident in knowing that you loved her for her, not because of an artificial demand for her. I would go after a girl if I loved her and thought she was special, even if I were the only guy going after her.

In my experience, one such instance where she created this competition for her was when I was texting her while at work. She randomly told me that an ex had texted her and that I probably didn't want to hear about it. She was clearly playing a childish game, otherwise she wouldn't have brought it up in the first place. I told her to just tell me. Moments later she sent me a screen shot of their conversation. He was complimenting her on how good her blowjobs were. She just loled at him rather than telling him she was getting to know somebody else (me). She acted surprised that I wasn't pleased, but it was obvious she was playing games just like your ex was too.

I've got a novel going here, so I'll stop for now, but I'll make another comment about the games they play, in a little bit. We're here for you. The only way to get better is no contact. We deserve better than these people, and the only way to get the poison out of our systems is to remove the source. It'd be nice to think we can normalize them, but this is the way they are. These are lifelong habits that are instinctual and built into them. They will likely never change.

[Patch]

Mr. Brightside I'm glad you stepped forward and joined as well. Yes... .She let me know I was lucky. She texted me "a customer just said you're a lucky guy, I told him I was lucky too". And it is poison just as you described... .The mornings are the worst. Only at night there seems to be some relief. I have no idea why that it is? I do have problems with sleep however... .

[StarOfTheSea]

Hi Patch,

I'm really sorry that you're having a tough time and I can totally relate. You will find so much good advice and reading here and many kindred souls.

My exBPDbf broke up with me two days after Christmas, too. I know that the holidays were a difficult time for him in general. I think the holidays might have been a trigger for our partners.

[Mister Brightside]

Mr. Brightside I'm glad you stepped forward and joined as well. Yes... .She let me know I was lucky. She texted me "a customer just said you're a lucky guy, I told him I was lucky too". And it is poison just as you described... .The mornings are the worst. Only at night there seems to be some relief. I have no idea why that it is? I do have problems with sleep however... .

Thanks for the welcome, Patch. Interesting you mention that nights are easier and that mornings are the worst. I have experienced the same thing. I can't say if that is common in situations like this or not, but in my case I was usually talking to her at night, so I probably feel trauma bonded to the night time. In the back of my head, I probably have a sick hope she'll contact me, and that would be most likely at night. I assume another part of it has to do with knowing we can sleep away our cares for awhile--a moment of relief (even if the sleep isn't totally uninterrupted and restful each night). In the morning we have the feeling we're about to face all sorts of memories and triggers to battle through throughout the day.

Another thing that stuck out to me in your original post was when she blocked you because you hadn't contacted her. Borderlines are notorious for using tests on people, even if the test is impossible to pass. One of my favorite quotes concerning borderline tests is, ":)ue to a Borderline's abandonment trauma early in life, he/she is compelled to continually test you, and your love/devotion. This individual has low self-esteem, and deep-down believes he/she isn't worthy of receiving love. They usually pick partners they sense will never leave them, which helps to assuage their abandonment concerns--but the 'testing phase' never actually ends. If they finally succeed in making you leave, it's prophesy fulfillment! If you stick by him/her no matter how poorly they treat you, they will continue taking you for granted, and their punishing or abusive behaviors will never cease."

Had you contacted her, she would have figured out some way to belittle you for doing so. It was a lose-lose situation. The BPD I was associated with lives on the other side of the country. The last time I saw her in person, she was in a hurry to leave my house because she had to drive to a city hours away to be at the airport the next day. I wasn't rushing her out. I wanted to spend some time with her, but she was acting in such a hurry that I just let her leave. A day or two later she admitted to me that she sat in front of my house for five minutes hoping I'd come outside to tell her not to leave. I'm assuming had I actually done that (which shouldn't have been expected of me since she was in such a rush), she may have said something like, "What are you doing out here? I need to get on the road." Just another example of a test they use to enhance their self-esteem while making us go crazy and questioning our decisions.

The sad part is, I felt compassion for her, thinking about how lonely she must have felt as she drove away when I didn't come out. That unhealthy compassion is what gets me into these unhealthy situations in the first place. She was playing a game, and I am still the one who feels guilty.

[Patch]

Hi Patch,

I'm really sorry that you're having a tough time and I can totally relate. You will find so much good advice and reading here and many kindred souls.

My exBPDbf broke up with me two days after Christmas, too. I know that the holidays were a difficult time for him in general. I think the holidays might have been a trigger for our partners.

Star of the sea I considered the same thing that Christmas was a factor in all of this. Two days after Christmas for both of us... .I'm sorry you also had to experience the same thing.

Mr. Brightside I was confused when I discovered I was blocked. Again I felt I had done something wrong by not contacting her and that this was my punishment. I did consider that it might be a test. I was shocked by the last weeks of the relationship and the break up. When we met and returned gifts (at my suggestion her gift was an expensive diamond that I just gave her 36 hours earlier) I told her simply I was saddened by the loss of our relationship. She said she needed to be honest. I stood there looking at her and did not say a word. Finally she said "okayyy" as if I was supposed to say something to stop our break up or say anything at all. Like your ex mine said she needed to go.Unlike your ex who waited 5 minutes, mine drove away immediately. There is a saying that go's... .there is no justice... .there's just us.

[workinprogress]

He was complimenting her on how good her blowjobs were.

That seems to be their specialty.

[Mister Brightside]

He was complimenting her on how good her blowjobs were.

That seems to be their specialty.

Haha. Yeah, after my devaluation phase I quickly realized how boring she is to talk to. If she's not seducing someone with T and A, she probably doesn't really know how to impress a guy.

[once removed]

hey patch,

"like you my ex made me feel like I failed the test of love since I did not attempt to contact her after our breakup except at the end of January with a text and phone call (which were blocked) and again at the end February (which were also blocked). In my mind and heart I wanted to reach out immediately after our breakup because of a few events just prior to Xmas"

it sounds like youre not long out, and it might help you to know your mind and your psyche are attempting to make sense of what theyve been through. its not uncommon for that process to create a sense of "what if id done or not done this" or "if only id done this or not done this" in us, as part of the process of trying to make sense of things.

i think its important to know that not all of this was in your control. sure, there could have been variables in your story as there are in all of our stories, but you communicate that this person expected you to be a mind reader, and that mentality will set anyone up for inevitable failure.

by the way, six month relationship, six year relationship; as its been said, these are intense relationships, and generally not experienced like your typical breakup. your experience has likely left you feeling very raw, so give yourself some time to cope and process. hang in there 

[Patch]

Once removed you are right I do think to myself what if I had done this, was she reaching out for attention ect. There is no making sense of it I know however I have tried. The only thing to do now is take care of me and have the confidence that because I was good for she and her son her fears caused her to abandon the relationship and in her mind she twists things to justify her actions. Someday it may hit her what she had, she knows how I felt for she and her son. I took the high road through all of this and I'm staying on that road.

[Invictus01]

Yeah, man... .read your story, it is pretty damn similar to mine. It seems like somewhere around 4-6 months, once things seemed to get more serious, the initial discard happens. That's when all their fears kick in and at that point it really doesn't matter what you do or don't do. After that, depending on the details (how disordered she is, how much the non is willing to put up with, etc), it is ether done right there or the non is trying to fix the un-fixable and goes through recycles until he or she realizes that it really is impossible to fix. In the grand scheme of things, both of us are lucky that 6 months was it. If she was able to hurt you this bad after just 6 months, imagine what you would look like emotionally if you put in a few years and went through a few cycles like this... .

[Deeno02]

Patch, Im the poster child for feeling like a complete loser. I was with her for 16 months. During that time, I was the greatest thing since sliced bread, after awhile of being emasculated verbally, mentally and emotionally, I went from being great to being pushed out of her and her 5 kids lives. I wont be repeating my tale, but needless to say, I was dumped and replaced within a week. I too failed to follow my gut and paid the price. After my 18 year marriage ended, I waited a year and a half to commit to someone else and it was her. Freshly separated awaiting divorce. Poof, it was magical. Then about 6 months or so in, the wheels were starting to come off. Long story short, I started feeling horrible. Hair was thinnning out, gained some weight as I had no desire to work out or do anything and a host of other things. I felt like a complete failure. Kept asking myself what I was doing wrong. Why am I screwing this up? Yet I was still in love. Well finally the camels back broke and I was dumped. I tried one last time only to be met with scorn and insults. I was a wreck. Lost 28 pounds, wanted to end my life, felt a failure, her words haunting me "your emotionless, unlovable, incapable of love", I felt every bit of it. I needed help. I went to a T, was placed on m ood elevators and started to fix on those things unresolved from childhood that she opened up as well as unresolved stuff from my marriage. Im almost 8 months out now and feeling so much better, but theres that little bird whispering in my ear"Your werent good enough". Its what Im working on. Its what Im coming to terms with. I am a person. I have emotions, I am capable of love and Im most definetly loveable. Convincing myself has been an on going project. But I will get there.

[jhkbuzz]

... .her words haunting me "your emotionless, unlovable, incapable of love"

That was projection.  She was describing herself.

[Deeno02]

... .her words haunting me "your emotionless, unlovable, incapable of love"

That was projection.  She was describing herself.

Yep. I realize that now. At the time I had no idea about BPD. Even though I now know more than I ever cared to about BPD, the damage was done. So I guess I should thank her for that. Now Im putting her crap behind me while I focus on me and my past.

[jhkbuzz]

... .her words haunting me "your emotionless, unlovable, incapable of love"

That was projection.  She was describing herself.

Yep. I realize that now. At the time I had no idea about BPD. Even though I now know more than I ever cared to about BPD, the damage was done. So I guess I should thank her for that. Now Im putting her crap behind me while I focus on me and my past.

That's a good place to shift your focus!   

[Patch]

Invictus I keep telling myself that her fears kicked in after meeting my family and I definitely felt her pushing me away and then it became obvious that she was. She definitely put up a wall. Like Deeno said "her words haunt me". I mentioned to her the last time we spoke that everything changed the night of the party which I had originally invited her too. She quickly said that she was not stupid and that she saw signs that I was losing interest. The night of our breakup she told me that although we were talking about getting married this year she did not know if that's what she wants. She also said she doesn't want kids. This was not the message I had been receiving before. She then added that she feels like she's at my beck and call and that she has lost herself and doesn't have time for three people in her life. When I asked her if she still wanted to date she told me she wanted nothing. When I asked if we could talk about it she told me we just had talked. Yet two months later when I go see her she tells me that she waited for me to contact HER! And then adds since I didn't she blocked my number figuring it was over. She did agree to meet me to discuss our relationship however. I visited her with flowers before we were supposed to meet up and when it went bad she appeared as if she and I never were close and as if she could not be any more at peace or happy. I heard the same justifications and a few new ones, saying she got scared on the way home but then adding she's independent, we got together fast ect. She says anything to justify herself and block me out of being part of her life in every way and for every reason. She definitely showed loyalty and value to the other person and not me. Maybe it was an act... .she has a huge ego and I did disappear for two months and did not chase her. Who knows but she showed no interest or regret for the loss of me. She flipped a switch and turned everything against me.

[Patch]

Thank you to everyone who offered support and who gave me insight from their own experiences. It was an abusive experience and I've seen how manipulating she could be and how I was pulled in and then devalued and discarded. Her personal life is and has been a circus and she pushed away something good. One day she will realize... .Thank you to everyone!

[Infared]

Invictus I keep telling myself that her fears kicked in after meeting my family and I definitely felt her pushing me away and then it became obvious that she was. She definitely put up a wall. Like Deeno said "her words haunt me". I mentioned to her the last time we spoke that everything changed the night of the party which I had originally invited her too. She quickly said that she was not stupid and that she saw signs that I was losing interest. The night of our breakup she told me that although we were talking about getting married this year she did not know if that's what she wants. She also said she doesn't want kids. This was not the message I had been receiving before. She then added that she feels like she's at my beck and call and that she has lost herself and doesn't have time for three people in her life. When I asked her if she still wanted to date she told me she wanted nothing. When I asked if we could talk about it she told me we just had talked. Yet two months later when I go see her she tells me that she waited for me to contact HER! And then adds since I didn't she blocked my number figuring it was over. She did agree to meet me to discuss our relationship however. I visited her with flowers before we were supposed to meet up and when it went bad she appeared as if she and I never were close and as if she could not be any more at peace or happy. I heard the same justifications and a few new ones, saying she got scared on the way home but then adding she's independent, we got together fast ect. She says anything to justify herself and block me out of being part of her life in every way and for every reason. She definitely showed loyalty and value to the other person and not me. Maybe it was an act... .she has a huge ego and I did disappear for two months and did not chase her. Who knows but she showed no interest or regret for the loss of me. She flipped a switch and turned everything against me.

Yes, mine did this. She took ALL the actions to end the relationship... .yet somehow twisted it all around and blamed it on me? Just like a child would.  :)isturbing stuff.

[Deeno02]

Invictus I keep telling myself that her fears kicked in after meeting my family and I definitely felt her pushing me away and then it became obvious that she was. She definitely put up a wall. Like Deeno said "her words haunt me". I mentioned to her the last time we spoke that everything changed the night of the party which I had originally invited her too. She quickly said that she was not stupid and that she saw signs that I was losing interest. The night of our breakup she told me that although we were talking about getting married this year she did not know if that's what she wants. She also said she doesn't want kids. This was not the message I had been receiving before. She then added that she feels like she's at my beck and call and that she has lost herself and doesn't have time for three people in her life. When I asked her if she still wanted to date she told me she wanted nothing. When I asked if we could talk about it she told me we just had talked. Yet two months later when I go see her she tells me that she waited for me to contact HER! And then adds since I didn't she blocked my number figuring it was over. She did agree to meet me to discuss our relationship however. I visited her with flowers before we were supposed to meet up and when it went bad she appeared as if she and I never were close and as if she could not be any more at peace or happy. I heard the same justifications and a few new ones, saying she got scared on the way home but then adding she's independent, we got together fast ect. She says anything to justify herself and block me out of being part of her life in every way and for every reason. She definitely showed loyalty and value to the other person and not me. Maybe it was an act... .she has a huge ego and I did disappear for two months and did not chase her. Who knows but she showed no interest or regret for the loss of me. She flipped a switch and turned everything against me.

How well I know that ego. Similar with me Patch. The final your a bad boyfriend treat me special or lose me speech made me clam up for a week. I had to sort this out. Looked at the engagement ring I bought(she never knew about it) and decided I can do this. Once we are married, her stress will be decreased and we can work through this. I contacted her and she dumped me. Poof, done. Week later, she's with her old college buddy. I tried one last time and went to the gym she was coaching at with flowers, professed my love to her and was met with scorn. She snatched the flowers from me said that this was inappropriate and said a bunch of stuff to me about me and then said bad crap about my daughter as she walked away. That was it for her. I see her 2-3 times a week because of Volley ball, but,while difficult as it is fighting the nostalgia of being with her,I say nothing and keep my distance. She does the same.

[Invictus01]

Invictus I keep telling myself that her fears kicked in after meeting my family and I definitely felt her pushing me away and then it became obvious that she was. She definitely put up a wall. Like Deeno said "her words haunt me". I mentioned to her the last time we spoke that everything changed the night of the party which I had originally invited her too. She quickly said that she was not stupid and that she saw signs that I was losing interest. The night of our breakup she told me that although we were talking about getting married this year she did not know if that's what she wants. She also said she doesn't want kids. This was not the message I had been receiving before. She then added that she feels like she's at my beck and call and that she has lost herself and doesn't have time for three people in her life. When I asked her if she still wanted to date she told me she wanted nothing. When I asked if we could talk about it she told me we just had talked. Yet two months later when I go see her she tells me that she waited for me to contact HER! And then adds since I didn't she blocked my number figuring it was over. She did agree to meet me to discuss our relationship however. I visited her with flowers before we were supposed to meet up and when it went bad she appeared as if she and I never were close and as if she could not be any more at peace or happy. I heard the same justifications and a few new ones, saying she got scared on the way home but then adding she's independent, we got together fast ect. She says anything to justify herself and block me out of being part of her life in every way and for every reason. She definitely showed loyalty and value to the other person and not me. Maybe it was an act... .she has a huge ego and I did disappear for two months and did not chase her. Who knows but she showed no interest or regret for the loss of me. She flipped a switch and turned everything against me.

I get all that. Mine did the same thing. Just turned into a different person over night and dumped me out of her life with such a force that it would make you think I abused her or something. None of that made sense to me too... .until I finally understood that what I dealt with was somebody with an emotional development of a 3 year old in a full grown human body. Would you be able to understand emotional outbursts of a 3 year old and what drives them? I don't think too many people can. Don't beat yourself up too much about this. There is really nothing you could do. Forgive her, if you can. There is probably nothing she could do either. You most probably dealt with a mentally ill person and got out of it relatively easy. I know the whole thing really sucks and I totally understand where you are and your line of thinking because your story is pretty much my story (I thought I met the love of my life, the one, all that stuff)... .but sometimes, you are just better off walking away without looking back.

[Restored2]

Hi Patch.  Thank you for sharing your story.  

Mine was similar on the expression end, telling me; "I really do love you".  It was as though she had to convince herself of having real feelings of love towards me.  From what I understand, BPD people have such a hard time tapping into their true emotions of love that it can be somewhat foreign and surprising to them when they actually do, if even for a moment.  Usually this is when they pull back and push away.  This often follows with them sabotaging what little life in the relationship remains.

[jhkbuzz]

Hi Patch.  Thank you for sharing your story.  

Mine was similar on the expression end, telling me; "I really do love you".  It was as though she had to convince herself of having real feelings of love towards me.  From what I understand, BPD people have such a hard time tapping into their true emotions of love that it can be somewhat foreign and surprising to them when they actually do, if even for a moment.  Usually this is when they pull back and push away.  This often follows with them sabotaging what little life in the relationship remains.

Yes... .my ex once told me that she doesn't think she's ever loved anyone. How sad.

[Restored2]

Hi Patch.  Thank you for sharing your story.  

Mine was similar on the expression end, telling me; "I really do love you".  It was as though she had to convince herself of having real feelings of love towards me.  From what I understand, BPD people have such a hard time tapping into their true emotions of love that it can be somewhat foreign and surprising to them when they actually do, if even for a moment.  Usually this is when they pull back and push away.  This often follows with them sabotaging what little life in the relationship remains.

Yes... .my ex once told me that she doesn't think she's ever loved anyone. How sad.

Hi jhkbuzz.  There are so many parallels here.  When I told mine that I unconditionally loved her.  Her response was that she did not know what unconditional love is.  She also said that she did not know her own self value/worth.  How very sad.

[Patch]

All of you are spot on.  I was pushed away so hard and the relationship ended so quickly with such force I also felt I must be clueless and totally screwed up. My ex also told me she didn't know if she had truly been in love also when the relationship began and the last time we spoke she said her only unconditional love is for her son. I'm seeing the light little by little.  It's very sad indeed.