Need guidance with Radical Acceptance

[simpleman]

Hi All,

I have seen radical acceptance mentioned often and have read through the workshop plus other resources on the web.  But I'm not getting it.

The thing I am having the most trouble with at this point in my healing is:

1. The fact that my exgf is stuck with this BPD illness and won't get to experience the love and life we planned for each other.  Its so unfair to her. She is such a beautiful soul. It haunts me.

Can someone walk me through the process of radically accepting this.  Like what specifically should I be telling myself to accept it.

Thanks so much.

[Confused?]

After reading your posts they basically all say the same thing. Radical acceptance is basically this. It is not your responsibility! I don't know the full details of your relationship but you are on this site for a reason. Everyone here loved their so. A lot still do. But accepting that you cannot help her is a big part of detaching. She has to learn to help herself. She has to learn to love herself. No amount of love that you would show her will ever matter to her. She is in constant pain. That is what fog is all about. Many here still feel the fog after the relationship ends. I know these breakups hurt. I know the pain. To have second thoughts of the breakup is common. But you got to the point of breaking up for a reason. Things rarely change with BPD. In fact I can tell you first hand that recycles only make it worse. Take care of you. You are the most important person in your life.

[ShadowIntheNight]

You do keep mentioning the same thing, and that is that "it just isn't fair." Well, I guess that's right. But even if she got all that love, if indeed she is BPD, she still wouldn't "get it." Her reaction is going to be to run, so if she gets the love or if she doesn't get, it's going to be the same outcome.

So I would say, the question isn't that it's unfair, but that's isn't it a shame. However, there is no sense martyring yourself for the disorder she has. You couldn't have stopped either the genetics or the emotional turmoil that she experienced as a youngster in the first place. It sounds like you may have an issue with rescuing, like so many of us here on the leaving board do. Many of us loved our partners very well. And in the end, they still left. For one excuse or another, they left.

I doubt your situation would turn out any different. And I also remember you saying in 7 months time with her how your emotional and physical health had deteriorated. I wonder why you don't ask yourself if it isn't fair that you suffered like that in only 7 months. Don't you deserve better than that?

[LimboFL]

Confused summed it up perfectly. As was stated, we don't know the details of your relationship. I can tell you that I was deeply in love with my ex. Not because of the honeymoon, which made me uncomfortable, not for any idealization, but because over the course of 4 years, despite all of the hurt she inflicted on me, I saw glimpses of the sometimes so beautiful in spirit but also tortured person inside, who suffered terribly as a child and through her late teens (Her Father was murdered and she was supposed to be visiting him). In short, you do not need to convince me or many of us here of your genuine love for your partner. I am one of those who still deeply loves my ex.

With that said, if she hasn't hurt you enough, yet, she will. She will run or find a replacement or worse. Again, I don't have any details. I am 4 months out and while I know, without an unequivocal doubt, that I would never ever go back (not that I have a choice but if I did and I might), I still think of her every moment of every day. I was with my ex wife for 20 years and when we divorced, it wasn't this hard, this long.

You will not find a group of people more loving, giving and kind, than the people on this board. All of us wanted to be the ones who stuck it out and didn't leave our partners, as they expected from us. We wanted to stand strong against the current, because we recognized how much internal pain our partners have and will continue to experience. But then, boundaries that were once solid are broken or we simply succumb to the realization that our love and compassion are simply not strong enough to endure the tsunami of emotional turmoil that is thrust upon us.

I sat on this board, after she broke it off with me after three months and I only wanted answers and craved to be back with her, not for the sex or the love bombing, but out of pure compassion and love. I didn't listen to any of the "you dodged a bullet, it will only get worse, you will suffer far more down the road", no one could convince me that I wasn't strong enough to endure. I was wrong and everyone else was right. If you aren't in that place to receive the advice, no one will every blame you or judge you. We will all still be here and support you regardless of where things end up. So at this point, please think hard and read through the "staying" and the "detachment" postings. There is pain in almost every post. I don't hate my ex but I hate the disorder. I can never speak with her again because it's just too much for me. I hate that I was robbed of a partner that I have no question, without the disorder, would have been the woman I grew old with.

You will find nothing but compassion here and a long list of people who have exactly as you do. The importance and saving that this board offers is in our shared experience. You will find stories with differences, because our ex-partners are human, they bleed and feel, they have experiences of their own. But as each story is unraveled, they all converge and end up down the same path leading to one end, our devastation and pain.

Confused is right, we cannot bear the responsibility of helping but more importantly, it is about saving you from bone crushing heartache. You are there right now, but it only gets more painful, I promise. We promise. Trust me, this is not the kind of advice you will hear from family and friends who know nothing about BPD, who say things like "you are better off, she was wrong for you, she is not worth the trouble" Those well meaning people don't understand the depth of our love and caring for our ex's, they just don't, because they don't understand the pain our partners have and continue to go through. No, our advice is founded on having traveled the road you are on. You would not hear anyone cheer louder than we, if you proved us wrong.

As it stands, I have no partner anymore to share my day with or to hug or to kiss. I want it very badly but am not ready. I have to force myself to take this difficult journey of rediscovering myself. It stinks but... .

Devour the posts here and keep posting. No question is too small. Stay strong.

[Confused?]

If you could find a coffee mug big enough, put everything that limbo just wrote on it.

[apollotech]

"I hate that I was robbed of a partner that I have no question, without the disorder, would have been the woman I grew old with."

Limbo,

I could have written what you said word for word. We, my BPDexgf and I were cheated, robbed. I don't know how to overcome this feeling and associated anger. God's Speed on your healing!

[downwhim]

"As it stands, I have no partner anymore to share my day with or to hug or to kiss. I want it very badly but am not ready. I have to force myself to take this difficult journey of rediscovering myself. It stinks but... ."

Limbo,

The above is exactly how I feel. Starting over is frightening and exhausting. The few dates I have been on have left me feeling more lonely.

Just when I thought I was strong at 5 1/2 months out your post brought me to tears. This confirms my continued love and attachment as I try hard to detach and heal.

Thank you for speaking for so many of us.

[mitatsu]

Man i'm in bits at some of the replies... .:'( Group hug anyone? 

[CloseToFreedom]

"As it stands, I have no partner anymore to share my day with or to hug or to kiss. I want it very badly but am not ready. I have to force myself to take this difficult journey of rediscovering myself. It stinks but... ."

Limbo,

The above is exactly how I feel. Starting over is frightening and exhausting. The few dates I have been on have left me feeling more lonely.

Just when I thought I was strong at 5 1/2 months out your post brought me to tears. This confirms my continued love and attachment as I try hard to detach and heal.

Thank you for speaking for so many of us.

This is all so true. We all want that love, someone to share the good and bad times with. I shared it with my ex for 4,5 years, and in the end more bad than good times, but still, I wanted to keep sharing it with her. But it just couldn't work. We were in love with the illusion that we shared our life with them, but we really didn't.

[Infared]

If you could find a coffee mug big enough, put everything that limbo just wrote on it.

Thanks for that Bit of humor... .LOL!

[LimboFL]

This journey remains arduous and painful for all of us. The unfairness and the feeling of being robbed is overwhelming. The extreme pain, I believe, is a result of the fact that our love for our exBPD partners was not only the love one feels for their partner but also the overwhelming empathy for what our partners have had to endure through their lives which leads to the kind of love that develops when a parent loves a child. That desire to protect and provide security for. As parents one of our strongest instincts is to ensure that our young ones are always made to feel secure that we will always be there, no matter what. That we will never abandon them come hell or high water. This, in part, was what we felt for our exBPD's. Ball all of those emotions together and when it's ripped away from us, in one shot, it hits every emotional chord in us. It still isn't easy for me.,

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey simpleman-

Don't make radical acceptance some lofty concept; it's as simple as it is what it is.  She didn't choose to have the disorder, she can't fix it, and you can't fix it.  It is what it is.  It's easy to fall in love with someone's potential, I saw this beautiful girl who just wanted to be loved under all the crap my ex showed up as, but that beautiful girl was unobtainable to me, and her, on a sustainable basis.  When we see a young kid with a terminal illness we feel nothing but compassion and sadness, it all seems so unfair.  Seeing your ex that way is appropriate, but it also requires a letting go, a letting go of hopes and dreams, and that can be very difficult, especially when we were all-in for a time.

This is still all brand new for you, you're still very emotionally connected to her, and the best thing you can do is give yourself time and space and take very good care of yourself.  The relationship ended and you ended up here for a reason, or reasons, and with time the fog will clear and ways to accept her and the situation will reveal themselves.  Radical acceptance is a destination, and getting there is a journey.  Take care of you!

[Gonzalo]

For me, it's a lot like accepting that there are people starving in Africa, families suffering on the bad side of town, kids dying in cancer wards, and the like - there is just a lot of bad stuff that happens in the world, and I'm not some superhero able to fix everyone else's problems. While I was in the relationship I just wanted to make things work, but once I was able to accept one of her breakups and acknowledge that the relationship was over, I filed it away as another one of those distant, sad things that you can't do anything about. It took some work and it's not 100% - I still wish there was a way to tell her what the problem is and get her to get help, even though I don't find myself starting to write a letter to one of her friends anymore.

I think the important thing is pushing her problems away from you, treating her as a distant person for your own mental health.

[apollotech]

Hello simpleman,

Radical Acceptance is simply seeing situations/people/things/etc. as they are and accepting them as they are. It is not the same as understanding situations/people/things/etc. In my opinion, you will not begin accepting until hope dissipates; that is the process. The emotional self is surpressed, and the rational self takes command. If you read these boards you'll see people say that they hope that there BPDSO will simply snap out of it or that loving a BPDSO enough or correctly will heal/cure the BPDSO. That's misplaced hope as reality/facts simply don't support said wishes/arguments. When reality is finally able to disprove said misplaced hope, acceptance begins. There is nothing radical about it; it is just acceptance.

[Deeno02]

Having a bit of a shame/guilt day myself. Its all good. Got my peeps on the forum to kick me out of it and realize it for what the r/s was. Nothing I can do about it but get better.

[talithacumi]

You have to find a way to be okay with the fact that your ex IS disordered, that it ISN'T fair to her or anyone (like yourself) who loves/cares about her, and that there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change either one of those things.

That's a pretty tall order. No one can tell you how, or what it will ultimately take for you to get to the point inside yourself where you're actually able to do that. It will start by happening for just a few moments at a time before you react/push it away. It will eventually become a way of thinking/feeling for you most of the time. But it takes work. And, more importantly, it takes you needing/wanting it to happen - not for her - but for yourself - for your own health and inner peace of mind - as well.

It sounds like you're still a little stuck on feeling responsible for her. You talk about how unfair it is to/for her. What about you? How has it effected the way you feel about yourself, the relationship you had with her, and the way you've always believed love/life in general were supposed to work?

This disorder is unfair to everyone it touches. I think the important thing for you to remember is that, BECAUSE she's disordered, she's not here looking for answers, support, guidance, or change. You are. And, frankly, that seems a whole lot MORE unfair in the end than whatever you sense, believe, feel, think, and tell yourself SHE'S going through as a result of being disordered.

Her disorder is DESIGNED to take care of her needs - to keep her from feeling any kind of real hurt/pain for very long at all. And it's REALLY good at finding a way to do that for her - no matter HOW she might make it sound/appear.

Radical acceptance is giving her and her disorder their due, and shifting your focus back to the only thing you have any real power/control to change and make better: yourself.

Just my two cents, for whatever that's worth ... . 

[Heldfast]

I am totally in for that hug Mitatsu! let's hold it til it's awkward!

[simpleman]

Thanks so much everyone for the great advice and wisdom.  Very very helpful.

[mitatsu]

I am totally in for that hug Mitatsu! let's hold it til it's awkward!