Stonewalling... Is the the beginning of the end?

[Fraggle12]

I've been looking inside lately. Not inside him, for a change, but inside me. I thought I was getting stronger but what I've realised I'm doing, and I now know the  term, is stonewalling. Finding more and more ways to protect myself, mentally, from the hurt my H inflicts on me daily, week in and week out. And although, in a lot of respects, this is good... I don't sit and cry so often, I don't spend days wondering how life will go on, I don't spend night after night tossing and turning wondering what I should do next. However, having consciously switched off over and over to the the hurt, I think I've unconsciously switched everything else off too!  I don't 'feel' anything any more. Do I love him? I don't know. Do I hate him? I don't know? Do I want our marriage to continue? I don't know.

When I sit and think about the 6 years we've been together, the good times (there must have been some, surely?) aren't there. The past is full of hurt, full of times that have been ruined, times I've had to find somewhere to stay to escape the rages, times like recently where we've argued furiously about his addiction to porn and sex chats,  times (like tonight) when I've found empty alcohol bottles and the remnants of binge eating strewn everywhere.

He's my i husband, I want to love him but I'm not sure i can! I know if I leave the guilt will bring pain but will it be as painful as this? I don't know. 

[Michelle27]

I can so relate.  My husband and I are separated after a boundary around his rages was crossed.  Overwhelmingly, I feel relief at my home being emotionally safe right now, rather than sad that we are separated.  I need to feel that for awhile, I need to allow that relief to make me feel better able to cope as we possibly move forward to reconciliation.

[despr8]

I am amazed at the people dealing with BPD. unfortunately all the spouses have to go through worst stress and trauma than the ones with BPD. I too have a wife with BPD and my whole world is upside down and I'm feeling like I'm losing my mind. I definitely know how you feel IT"S VERY DRAINING! foe 12 out of the 15  years my wife did pretty good but over the last few years she is doing some things that are far off of the morals of our personality. if the spouse is abusive you must leave at all cost. thank God I don't have to worry about physical abuse just mental and manipulative. she just started acting different  lately like she don't care anymore it kind of scares me  because I don't know what to expect next.

hope your relationship gets better or works out for your favor. good luck,despr8   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Fraggle12, I can relate to your situation.  Initially, I was a doormat for my BPDxW's rages and abuse, which was bad for my self-esteem.  Then I fought fire with fire, which was worse for my self-esteem because I was engaging in the same abusive behavior that she was.  Finally, I decided to practice detachment and refused to participate in the drama.  Yet after detaching, I lost my emotional connection to my BPDxW and declined to share any feelings with her, for fear that she would trample all over them.  Yes, we went to couples counseling and did the things other couples do when the ship is going down (e.g., met w/family members, etc.).  Yet it was all over but for the shouting and we ended up getting divorced.  I guess I'm sharing all of this with you to see if it might be helpful or might shed light on your situation.  Not saying you should follow my path; only you know what is right for you.

LuckyJim

[vortex of confusion]

Hi Fraggle!

The sex and porn addiction is very difficult to navigate. My husband is a sex addict (was focused on porn) and it is very hurtful to deal with the rages and the rejection. Early on, I used to try to tell my husband how hurtful it was that he chose porn and self pleasure over me. He would turn it around and make it sound like he was being a good husband because he wasn't waking me up or bothering me. I wanted to get woke up. I wanted to be "bothered".

I have put up a whole lot of walls to protect myself. I have been with my husband for almost 17 years and, quite honestly, I feel like I am biding my time until I can end things. He has told me so many times that he is going to go x, y, or z only to have him slip back into old patterns. It is like he doesn't care whether or not he is hurting me. When I try to talk to him about my hurts, I get him telling me that it hurts him more because it hurts so much more to be an addict. It is frustrating because trying to open up to him and be vulnerable leads to the same things over and over. The only way to protect myself is to shut down. I know that shutting down isn't helpful to the relationship. I have pretty much resolved myself to the fact that it is over between us. I am trying to keep the peace and get along with him for the sake of the kids. I don't want to rip the kids' lives apart.

So, it is really important to weigh your options and look at the factors involved. If I didn't have kids with my husband, I would have been out of here a long time ago.

[Fraggle12]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It always helps to see how others deal with things. Even though LOTS more has happened since my post, I just can't make a decision about what to do. I know there's no point in attending relationship counselling as he sees things in a very different light and it would just lead to more 'episodes'. So, I'm just hanging in there, pretty much detached, but still hanging by a thread! Waiting for THE episode which points me to the exit!

[Michelle27]

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It always helps to see how others deal with things. Even though LOTS more has happened since my post, I just can't make a decision about what to do. I know there's no point in attending relationship counselling as he sees things in a very different light and it would just lead to more 'episodes'. So, I'm just hanging in there, pretty much detached, but still hanging by a thread! Waiting for THE episode which points me to the exit!

What a sad way to live. :-(  I know, because I spent so many years right there.  It sucks.  When you finally take control and decide what you will and will not tolerate anymore with boundaries, while scary, there's a certain level of freedom too.  I got myself so detached that I was unsure that we'd ever have much of a relationship anymore, but now I'm feeling some hope again, ironically while we are attempting a "therapeutic separation" designed for both of us to heal without experiencing the damaging effects of rages for both of us.  He is also heading into deep therapy and that hopefully will help him but I know it could get worse in the short term which is another reason I think the separation is a good idea.

[Vatz]

I did this towards the end. I stopped indulging a lot of her requests and wants. I told her often to "do it herself."

In doing so I withdrew a bit from her and didn't really spend as much time with her. I almost totally stopped initiating any physical contact. Just didn't have my heart in any of it anymore. I obliged when she started things. What good is a man that won't please his partner is a certain mantra in live by. Everything else was just white noise.

Yes, it may very well be the end. The beginning of the end was actually when you first got involved. Little bit of humor there.

[ogopogodude]

   Hello Fraggle. Most of us here on these forums have been where you are now.  One has to remember that any temper tantrum rages are abuse, pure and simple.  One does not have to endure such horrible behaviour. It is a choice thing on behalf of the persons around the BPD-rage'er whether to continue to experience the rages or simply leave so as not to witness any more.  You have to ask yourself this one question: ":)o I want to be abused anymore by my loved one?".  But in my situation, I had to ask myself an even more intense question: "do I want our children to be abused anymore?". 

   I was deathly afraid of my signif. other during her rages. It was awful. What was even as awful was the anticipation of a rage episode. In my situation, I knew that the hand grenade was going to go off, but I just didn't know when.  And this hand grenade was a rechargeable hand grenade. 

  Anyways, ... . since you are in the "undecided" category, perhaps there is hope for your rel'ship.  The whole idea is to get across to your signif other that your marriage is not all rosy and fun anymore. Try to get across to your mate your concerns. Write them down on a one page paper.  Then put it in an envelope, stamp it, and then Snail-mail to your mate. 

   This is just a thought.  With BPD there are various subtypes, and categories and degrees and so on, and some relationships do recover from their problems. And others do not. It is really hard when you love your mate but your mate does not listen to your point of view.

   Does your husband have a best friend that you can perhaps talk to,  and maybe you can get your concerns brought out in the open, so that his buddy can have a serious talk with your husband (and perhaps set him straight)?  You have to kinda be careful with this one, though. This could trigger your husband into a rage.

[Lucky Jim]

  I was deathly afraid of my signif. other during her rages. It was awful. What was even as awful was the anticipation of a rage episode. In my situation, I knew that the hand grenade was going to go off, but I just didn't know when.  And this hand grenade was a rechargeable hand grenade. 

Ditto for me, Ogopogo.  I used to stand by the door when my Ex was on the verge of a rage episode, in order to make a hasty exit, if necessary.  I kept an overnight bag with a change of clothes in my car.

LuckyJim

[an0ught]

Hi Fraggle12,

Thank you all for sharing your experiences. It always helps to see how others deal with things. Even though LOTS more has happened since my post, I just can't make a decision about what to do. I know there's no point in attending relationship counselling as he sees things in a very different light and it would just lead to more 'episodes'. So, I'm just hanging in there, pretty much detached, but still hanging by a thread! Waiting for THE episode which points me to the exit!

this is as others have said a sad way of life. Kudos for spelling it out  as I'm sure there are others here in the same boat. I always felt worst when I did not know what to do, staring at the lights and feeling like a deer caught and not able to run. It always takes me a while to decide what path to take and once moving a weight is lifted.

The way I look at the options when undecided:

- Leaving: Takes a life decision, planning and execution. Planning is reversible but of course once execution starts it becomes hard to reverse course.

- Staying: Takes a skill learning decision, learning with feedback from the board, incremental changes with smaller and bigger risks to the relationship. Once execution starts you protect your energy more effectively and gain skills that are transferable beyond the relationship. Course can be reversed at any time.

Waiting for THE episode which points me to the exit!

- You can take this as a sign that you want to leave.

- You can take this as an asset enabling you to make the changes improving the relationship.

Waiting makes sense at times but the sort of waiting you describe sounds painful and is handing control over to a person that may be less qualified to make a decision... .