Will my BPD x re-engage?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I really don't know if i even want her to. The split happened after 3 yrs together out of the blue, when I found out she had feelings for a co-worker where I had got her a job. Turns out they had got really close. He is 20 yrs her senior, nothing going for him, absolute loser, that aside, she has been telling everyone that I was controlling in the relationship and she painted me black and forgot to mention to people she cheated.

I have tried to speak to her about what I did that was controlling, I only got 2 examples

1. I wouldnt let her get a car (we already had 2 cars, one she wouldnt drive, and the second she had full access to, didnt have to pay rego, insurance, maintence or fuel)

2. That I didnt let her have friends, these friends she speaks of are old male "roots" which partway during the relationship she send naked photos to and was sending dirty sms messages to, which she got caught out on, and her psych told her to remove all these old males from her life as she couldnt have a male friendship without it turning sexual or her allowing herself to get into trouble.

So yeah, just wondering peoples thoughts.

[runningup]

I really don't know if i even want her to. The split happened after 3 yrs together out of the blue, when I found out she had feelings for a co-worker where I had got her a job. Turns out they had got really close. He is 20 yrs her senior, nothing going for him, absolute loser, that aside, she has been telling everyone that I was controlling in the relationship and she painted me black and forgot to mention to people she cheated.

I have tried to speak to her about what I did that was controlling, I only got 2 examples

1. I wouldnt let her get a car (we already had 2 cars, one she wouldnt drive, and the second she had full access to, didnt have to pay rego, insurance, maintence or fuel)

2. That I didnt let her have friends, these friends she speaks of are old male "roots" which partway during the relationship she send naked photos to and was sending dirty sms messages to, which she got caught out on, and her psych told her to remove all these old males from her life as she couldnt have a male friendship without it turning sexual or her allowing herself to get into trouble.

So yeah, just wondering peoples thoughts.

[runningup]

To add to this, she has moved in with this guy she cheated on me with over the easter break.

[Infern0]

It varies and they aren't all the same.

Past events tend to predict the future,  does she have a history of talking to her exes?

In my case I never thought I'd hear from mine again but after 6 weeks she started wanting to talk to me,  at about the 5 week point I'd accepted she was gone and then boom she came back.

[FrenchConnection]

3 months out now and i hope she never contacts me again.  She hasn't so far.  Of course i have blocked her from most contact.

I think mine was doing the exact same thing yours was doing... .

That's not the kind of woman or relationship i want.  You can never build anything with a person stuck in the disorder like that. 

[runningup]

She has a history of talking to people she has slept with, but in terms of relationships, not that I know of, I know she used to look them up on FB but go no further, which even her psych suggested isnt appropriate behaviour for her to be doing when she was trying so hard to move forward in a 'normal' relationship.

The 'controlling' element is still confusing me greatly, at no point in 3 yrs did she ever tell me or enter as discussion that she felt i was cntrolling, the psych suggested it was part of her perception due to the disorder, and that it was her 'excuse' and 'justification' for cheating and leaving so she could live with herself.

[Infern0]

She has a history of talking to people she has slept with, but in terms of relationships, not that I know of, I know she used to look them up on FB but go no further, which even her psych suggested isnt appropriate behaviour for her to be doing when she was trying so hard to move forward in a 'normal' relationship.

The 'controlling' element is still confusing me greatly, at no point in 3 yrs did she ever tell me or enter as discussion that she felt i was cntrolling, the psych suggested it was part of her perception due to the disorder, and that it was her 'excuse' and 'justification' for cheating and leaving so she could live with herself.

Most likely it was projection.  Was she herself controlling?

When mine split me black she called me manipulative and mean etc. Completely untrue. The logical part of her brain knew that in fact she had been like that to me,  but the borderline brain can't handle being that negative inwardly so they spew it out onto you.

When a borderline is left alone with no distraction they do know what they have done and they hate themselves for it. It's in these moments they may grab the phone and call or text you in a sort of scared attempt to make amends,  sadly their disorder just means the same thing will happen again.

[runningup]

I feel she was controlling, as we couldnt plan many things much into the future incase she has an outburst, we missed 2 live concerts we had tickets to due to her outburts of anger and rage. All of our life was walking on egg shells around her, which to my dictated what she was the one being controlling. With their lack of empathy, if i was having a bad day with depression, she sometimes may try to help a 'little' but when there was no sign of imprivement would start getting angry at me and start the attacking and hurtful comments.


i think she is trying to fill her life with her new love to stop herself from having to look backwards at what she destroyed, if only she knew i was still there.

[Mike-X]

Have you had a chance to read through the lessons on this site? Have you read about FOG (fear, obligation, & guilt) in relationships with people living with BPD?

[Infared]

Runningup... .my ex rewrote history once she attached to new supply and ran off with him behind my back.

"All-of-a-sudden" even how we got together was wrong, where before it was talked about endearingly by both of us.  I have no doubt, NOW, that she probably cheated can on me with others during the relationship. One especially creepy guy (former friend w/benefits),  that was stalking her/us. She said she was afraid of him, but now I see more of who she "really" was and her disorder.  You might be surprised that yours may have been in touch with those people on FB.  All I know is that I did NOT truly know who I was with ... .that I am sure of. She certainly isn't the person that she "told" me that she was. I will never really know what was actually going on in my relationship. That I am sure of. In one regard, NC is SOO... soo easy. How can I have a conversation with someone who is always presenting me with a lie (themselves),I can't... .and on the other hand it's tough because I severely miss the person and relationship that I thought I had in my life... .but I know now that I was duped by a very sick and craftyperson and that none of it was genuine or anything close to what I believed and was experiencing.

Mine has tried to re-engage, but just to mess with my head I think, but I don't know for sure as I never will speak a word to her.  I am a long way out of the FOG  and realize the pain she caused me was just too great. It was devastating... and she could care less... .just flicked a switch, got abusive and was propped up by new supply... I stay away like it is poison... .oh... .wait... .it is!  

[Vatz]

Depends. She might not attempt a recycle for a few months.

But if someone-anyone treats you like that then there's no need to have them in your life. As for what that guy has or doesn't have going for him, meh.

I still compare myself to the other guys. So I get where you're coming from, but if she's BPD, it very well may have nothing to do with whether or not he's better than you.

If she attempts to get back together when things with this man inevitably fail, then you're going to have to think carefully as to how you proceed. But if she has moved in with the guy, drop off all her things at his place. Its her stuff, her responsibility.

[4Years5Months]

I found out she had feelings for a co-worker where I had got her a job.

BPDers have trouble regulating emotions, so attachment to anyone, friends or boyfriend/girlfriend, is usually quite intense at the outset.  It feels good to have attention from a new person.  They are always seeking it out.  Even a minor hiccup in a romantic relationship made my ex daydream of elsewhere. 

Feelings for a co-worker happened with my ex on FOUR different occasions.  The first time it was a guy who simply talked to her a lot at work.  He had no romantic interest in her, but they would talk and text.  She developed a crush on him.  And then TOLD me.  I came to realize that she would be honest with me in these situations because withholding it made her feel shameful.  But telling me made her feel like she was absolved of all guilt.  Obviously, that wasn't exactly reality.

The second guy was a dude who asked her out at college the first day of classes.  She slept with him and was in a serious relationship SIX DAYS after meeting him.  We had been broken up for a month at that point.  I wasn't begging for her to take me back, so she found another source of supply.  She recycled me back in a month later when she decided he was a dependent boy who just played video games.  It was also a week after he told her he loved her.

The third time happened with a guy last summer, who had been a college classmate, then Facebook friend, then co-worker (she vouched for him to get the job at her workplace).  He was obviously into her from the start, but she certainly kept him close.  All the while, she put him down as dependent boy... .until she felt engulfed/abandoned and needed to push me away.  Suddenly, she started hanging out with him.  She triangulated him with me for a month, until I got fed up and cut off contact.  What did she do?  Immediately took a weekend vacation with him and slept with him.  It must not have gone well, because she BEGGED me to take her back shortly afterward, crying hysterically on her couch.  She said the line that I should have taken to heart - "I have issues seeing men platonically."  She promised not to get close to other men at work again, promised we would get married, move away, have children... .I believed her.

We took a vacation in December, and she began to detach again upon our return.  It was obviously too good of a time for her to handle.  I cut off contact twice (to let her get her act together) but that just triggered more abandonment fears, and she ended the relationship in mid February.  Two weeks later, she was with my latest replacement - another co-worker - the security guard at her job that she had previously nicknamed "Forrest Gump" because he was such an idiot, she said.  His wife dumped him around the time of our breakup (I don't think it was related to my ex) and he was an easy, damaged target.  Now she's posting Facebook photos of the two of them together, saying he's gorgeous.

Any non-repulsive guy who talked to her at length could easily earn her affection.  She made the preposterous black/white all-or-nothing statement on Facebook last year (I should have taken it as a sign) that "men and women are unable to simply be just friends with one another.  Feelings always develop" - as if that was a scientific fact.  Funny, my best friend over the last 12 years has been a gorgeous female, and it has always been platonic, even when we were both single.  We are like brother and sister.  My ex got INSANELY jealous if I wanted to hang out with her, even though we had been friends for six years before I even met my ex.  I realized later she didn't trust me to simply be friends with the opposite sex... .because she couldn't do it herself.  Thus, in her BPD mind, that is how EVERYONE was.

... .nothing going for him, absolute loser... .

I'm going to believe that is the truth, and just not your angry opinion of him.  Usually a BPDer will attach to an easy target that they can control.  Each of my replacements has been either young, naive, lacking any real career, inexperienced with women, or (current replacement) recently dumped from a marriage.  All of them feel/felt lucky to have a girlfriend.  All of them easy and susceptible so she can play the victim card and control them and make them walk on eggshells.

the psych suggested it was part of her perception due to the disorder, and that it was her 'excuse' and 'justification' for cheating and leaving so she could live with herself.

It's almost always a false projection, because there usually isn't a good reason for the relationship to end, or have trouble.  BPDers are used to that chaos in their minds and lives.  They will create it even if things are great in the relationship.  My ex would use my daughter as an excuse - we couldn't be together because I had a child that would take up some of my responsibility.  Oh, the humanity.  I spent more time with her than with my child, since I share custody with her mom.  Didn't matter.  And now she's with a guy who is even MORE in the way of her dreams and goals.  But of course, she won't admit that.

we missed 2 live concerts we had tickets to due to her outburts of anger and rage.

My ex is a quiet, or "waif" BPDer.  Seldom was she angry (and never violent), but she used silence, pouting, depression, and passive aggressive comments to control things.  I spent nearly $300 on concert and musical tickets for the two of us over the last year of our relationship.  We didn't go to any of them because she pushed me away shortly before each.  That was her engulfment fear showing - she didn't like me spending money on her, because she was supposedly independent and could take care of herself.  I just laughed typing that.

if i was having a bad day with depression, she sometimes may try to help a 'little' but when there was no sign of improvement would start getting angry at me and start the attacking and hurtful comments.



Ah, that "what have you done for ME lately" attitude.  My ex would complain about pretty much every little thing in her life, but if I had a bad day at work, I was given about 10 seconds to feel bad, and then I was expected to snap out of it and be happy and excited with her.  It wasn't fair to her for me to bring my issues into her time, of course.  It was exhausting.  She would show empathy and feel sorry for me, but it was very brief.  Then, she would complain that I wasn't meeting her needs, not being cuddly enough, etc.  This would be an hour after I got home from work... .it wasn't like I was always depressed.  I wasn't allowed to be.


Will she recycle you?  Signs point to yes, unless you have a vicious hateful breakup.  I've read they don't contact you because they are infatuated with the new guy.  That's probably true, but I also think the shame of facing you again plays into it.  She knows if she reaches out to you, she's going to have to explain (or at the very least, hear about) her actions.  Deep down, she knows what she has done isn't right.  But equate it to her sticking her fingers in her ears like a child and saying "lalalalala."  Things are much better in her current situation, because she doesn't have to answer for any bad behavior... .until it starts with the new guy.

Everyone in my ex's life right now... .each of her friends, my replacement too - she didn't hang out with ANY of them until she began to detach from me.  In fact, she complained and devalued them to me every day and wanted to quit her job.  It wasn't until she couldn't find another job and detached from me that she allowed herself to be swallowed by the shark and established a new identity based on her workplace.  I think that is what your ex is doing - did she hate her job?  She may be attaching to Mr. Senior Replacement to find comfort going there every day.

Look at her as a child.  And you as a parent.  What was your role?  Mine was to soothe and comfort my ex as she complained about her life, and to go places with her, similar to taking a child to a toy store.  What do you think she's doing with my replacement?  Every swanky bar and restaurant in our city is getting their money.  She's only happy in situations like that.  But she will burn out on that and likely try to contact me soon.  She already liked some Facebook comments I left last week (we aren't friends but have many mutual ones) to try and get me to text her.  I didn't, and she posted a ton of photos with my replacement over the weekend, acting happy as can be.  Tested the waters, and ran back to her current father figure.

I've spent nearly two years trying to figure out her behavior, with no success, other than reading up on BPD.  You can never trust someone so deep into the disorder.  Without proper therapy, she will be that way for the rest of her life.  Get to a point where you feel sorry for her, like you would a child.  Because that is what she is.

[tim_tom]

I really don't know if i even want her to. The split happened after 3 yrs together out of the blue, when I found out she had feelings for a co-worker where I had got her a job. Turns out they had got really close. He is 20 yrs her senior, nothing going for him, absolute loser, that aside, she has been telling everyone that I was controlling in the relationship and she painted me black and forgot to mention to people she cheated.

I have tried to speak to her about what I did that was controlling, I only got 2 examples

1. I wouldnt let her get a car (we already had 2 cars, one she wouldnt drive, and the second she had full access to, didnt have to pay rego, insurance, maintence or fuel)

2. That I didnt let her have friends, these friends she speaks of are old male "roots" which partway during the relationship she send naked photos to and was sending dirty sms messages to, which she got caught out on, and her psych told her to remove all these old males from her life as she couldnt have a male friendship without it turning sexual or her allowing herself to get into trouble.

So yeah, just wondering peoples thoughts.

My thoughts are that you are much better off without her, and you should hope she doesn't attempt a recycle cause you don't sound strong enough atm to resist it.

I'm 8 mos post b/u, and while I see the good in her, and feel bad for her, I know that I am better off without her. Looking back on that time of my life makes me feel like I was a prisoner

[Reecer1588]

I really don't know if i even want her to. The split happened after 3 yrs together out of the blue, when I found out she had feelings for a co-worker where I had got her a job. Turns out they had got really close. He is 20 yrs her senior, nothing going for him, absolute loser, that aside, she has been telling everyone that I was controlling in the relationship and she painted me black and forgot to mention to people she cheated.

I have tried to speak to her about what I did that was controlling, I only got 2 examples

1. I wouldnt let her get a car (we already had 2 cars, one she wouldnt drive, and the second she had full access to, didnt have to pay rego, insurance, maintence or fuel)

2. That I didnt let her have friends, these friends she speaks of are old male "roots" which partway during the relationship she send naked photos to and was sending dirty sms messages to, which she got caught out on, and her psych told her to remove all these old males from her life as she couldnt have a male friendship without it turning sexual or her allowing herself to get into trouble.

So yeah, just wondering peoples thoughts.

Mine got her campus police involved to threaten me to not talk to her. Been 2 months and 1 day of NC. Feels like she isn't coming back, or will contact me. That's my story on this subject. Good luck.

[Restored2]

She has a history of talking to people she has slept with, but in terms of relationships, not that I know of, I know she used to look them up on FB but go no further, which even her psych suggested isnt appropriate behaviour for her to be doing when she was trying so hard to move forward in a 'normal' relationship.

The 'controlling' element is still confusing me greatly, at no point in 3 yrs did she ever tell me or enter as discussion that she felt i was cntrolling, the psych suggested it was part of her perception due to the disorder, and that it was her 'excuse' and 'justification' for cheating and leaving so she could live with herself.

Hi runningup.  I can relate to your story on the controlling aspect.  Mine abruptly broke up with me telling me that I was controlling her and our relationship and that she would not tolerate it any longer.  There was no discussion, just a verdict brought down on me.  It was the first time ever that I can recall of her making such a statement of me.

Mine was previously abused and had been in an abusive marriage where her husband had controlled, manipulated and deceived her.  It appears that she just projected all of that negative gunk from her rear view mirror onto me in our relationship.  In hindsight I can see where I would have triggered her here though.  Possibly something similar occurred with yours towards you.  The psychologist sounds like he is on the right track about it being a part of her perception.  

Either way, it is all extremely confusing to try to process.

[Cleveland]

I was wondering the same thing up to a few weeks ago.

Broke up in Sept after almost five years.  In Dec she introduced him to our D3.  In Jan our D3 was sleeping over his house.  Late Jan she moved in with him.  Feb they got engaged.  Then she took me to court for primary custody and lost.

I have heard very little from her other than coordinating her moving things out of the house and about D3.

Then two weeks ago I got rear ended with D3 in the car.  Everyone was fine, but I took D to the ER just to be sure.  Called her immediately, she met us there.  I had asked her to bring snacks for D and she did, and some for me.

Sure enough, later that night I got a text asking how D was.  Then asking to talk.  I called her but she was "conveniently" around the corner.  Stayed pretty late, drank several beers (reminded me of how it was with her and what I hated - never an empty hand).  Found a few ways to brag about things or try to put me down (space heater to save on bills, are you having trouble paying bills?  Lost weight since the split, were you depressed?)  She kept inching closer to me on the couch and finding excuses to touch me (but that's normal behavior - very touchy feely then confused why people think she flirts).  Late at night she was just looking at me in that very intense way with a goofy smile - she wanted me to make a move.  Of course I didn't.  I suspect she wanted me to so she could reject me and leave feeling satisfied that I still want her.

I wonder where she told the fiance she was till 1.30am on a Tuesday. 

BUT to be fair, she said a lot of things I wanted to hear about getting along regarding D.  And since then we have actually communicated very clearly, friendly, and timely.  I even invited her to stay over for a cup of coffee on Easter when she dropped D off and she accepted.  So hopefully that will continue since I have to deal with her pretty much forever.  What sucks is I feel like I am at her whim, like I have to let her come over to talk if she wants to as I fear she will make things more difficult if I do not.

[runningup]

Thanks for all the replys, its making me understand it a lot better reading other peoples tales that are so similar to mine. Yes some are right if she did re-engage at the moment I wouldnt be strong enough to say no, I do know that, that part in me yearning to hear from her, and be with her is still too strong.

The comments relating to picking a weak person to attach to is very true. I am not downgrading this new fellow to make myself feel better, he is a real loser.

I hold a lot of resent still, its 5 weeks and Im still not working, I say she cost me my well paying job I had been at for 5 years, but I did resign, with my depression and finding out what she had been up to at my work I didnt see any option. I felt like I was backed into a corner and forced my hand. I am very angry at that. I am sleeping on a single bed at my parents house, which also is such a slug for me, I have always been independant and my life and where I was going with it (had just finished renovating my house) I was proud of, as was she (apparantly).

We had just started to try for a baby, I am thinking that may have been a catalyst for the start of the end. She was always onto me about doing it, and I kept saying no as I wasnt sure about it due to her BPD, but when I finally said ok, she was in tears of joy etc. I think there was maybe something underlying there that triggered this shift.

[runningup]

I know Im pathetic, sent flowers, heard through the grape vine that she gave them to a co-worker and threw card away. Ah well. At least perhaps its got her thinking. She couldnt have kept them anyways as her new BF who she lives with she also works with.

[JRT]

Mine also left abruptly: everything was ok one day (and always had been) and the next day she moved out while I was out of town. When discussing the uncomfortable and vague subject of ex's, two of them were 'too controlling' but failed to say much more in detail to qualify the labels. But from being on these boards for several months, that label seems to be a popular one in the smear campaign 'bag-o-tricks', its incredible how they all do the same things. As far as the term goes, when you think about it; it SOUNDS really daunting and pints the person its describing in a really dark light. But few people have the fortitude to dig down deeper and find out what this (and other pejoratives) REALLY mean since they don't want to offend the person making the charge. If I hear someone describe their ex this way on a date, I am going to get up and run to my car without paying the tab!

As far as her return, mine has not said boo to me and it has been over 6 months. Although I am just about back to a place where i feel happy and normal, there is not a day that goes by that I don't realize that I miss her profoundly and the life that we had together (mine was not the raging/cheating/lying type of borderline). I still very much love her but I am firm in my belief that I cannot have a life with her in it since she is sick with little likelihood that she will ever be able to overcome her sickness and be available for a normal and happy r/s (not like she has contacted me anyway).

While you maintain NC with her her, you need to make the decision what will be best for you. If you are like me, NC is one of the most challenging things you will ever do in your life, but it must be done in order to make decisions that are as much free of associated emotions as possible.

[runningup]

yeah the controlling thing really burns me, i get rather angry when i hear my friends telling me she has been saying these things, and not one of them have asked ok, so how was he controlling. nobody cares, they just care on a superficial level, but really they see things don't add up and make sense but don't do or say anything.

Like so many of her girlfriends, apparantly they all knew it was coming (i didnt) and they were all encouraging her to leave, great friends, shows what support is really out there and how disposable relationships are in todays society.

Yes yes, I keep sounding like i want her back, part of me does, i know that us being back together would be futile, and that the changes that would need to happen would be more 'controlling'

[raisins3142]

Mine took normal stuff and my boundaries as controlling.

For instance, me texting her a few times a day when we were apart was controlling because she felt I was checking up on her.  Me not wanting her to flirt with men in front of me was controlling because I was not letting her do and accepting whatever.  So, I at least could not win unless I was a doormat that didn't care how I was treated or what my girlfriend did.  Also, I have a feeling a lot of them use this feeling of being controlled to justify lying or doing bad things.  The feeling of being controlled for some seems to be due to their fear of engulfment in relationships.  They are losing their unstable self through no fault of your own.  That feels controlling most likely when it is just how they feel and not anyone else's fault.

[Loosestrife]

 folieHi,

I'm sorry you are going through this.

Control issues seems to be a common theme with BPDs. Your requests in your original post were completely reasonable and in a healthy relationship you wouldn't have even  had to raise those things in the first place.

I am sorry you lost your job and you are back at your parents. Take some time to assess the damage this relationship has done to you. Do you what it back to do more damage or do you want to try and rebuild your life and eventually meet someone who is healthy and is less likely to damage you and your future family?

A good piece of advice that has served me well is stop chasing/contacting NOW and get yourself to a therapist. The more you chase her with flowers etc, the more you will push her away. She will get back in contact with you eventually, like she has with all the other guys. Hopefully by then you will have seen the light and moved on so you can make a healthy decision for you. It's really hard to go NC, even for a few days, I have been cut out and them recycled many times and it's the most painful thing I have ever experienced. Good luck, but what ever you do, keep

busy  

[runningup]

yeah i know i need to go NC point blank for my own sanity. Isnt doing me any good reliving the rejection, or in reality I need to to NC with old work mates also as they keep telling me things which isnt helping. Mind you i have heard that the contact I am making is pissing the new BF off greatly, this has a slight silver lining but hardly worth the heartache it is generally causing me.

I am going to see a therapist, the one I was seeing, jointly, and by myself, so knows the whole back story and knows the crap that the BPD X is spewing out about me.

[Loosestrife]

It's good you have a T. Remember it's not the other guys fault either.

[runningup]

Well in this instance it is also the other guys fault, he sought her out, and preened her for weeks, if not months to get into her pants, so yeah i do hold some blame on his part, yes it takes two though.

[Loosestrife]

Well in this instance it is also the other guys fault, he sought her out, and preened her for weeks, if not months to get into her pants, so yeah i do hold some blame on his part, yes it takes two though.

Fair point. I think if someone is unfaithful they can never really be trusted again. Could you trust her again now if she did come back?

[Infared]

Funny... .I do not blame the other person at all.  I was in a 5-year, live-in, committed relationship.  I had women show interest in me and I just let it be known that I was in love with someone.  My ex was beautiful and fun, so I know she would attract others as well... .But she put herself out there and hooked up with someone behind my back and ran out of our home, lying to me. I put that ALL squarely on her. He could have been anyone... and I am sure that she was telling plenty of lies about our relationship and manipulating him.  She betrayed OUR commitment.  He didn't. ... .she is the only one responsible for the betrayal of our trust... .and guess who he is with right now?... .the same woman... um... good luck with that, buddy.  

I never talk to her if she tries to make contact with me... .there really is no point for us to talk that I can see.  When someone destroys trust like that, there is just nothing left worth while in my world.

[runningup]

No i probably couldnt and thats the reality of it, once trust is broken its hard to rebuild, even harder with someone with BPD

[hurting300]

With the exception of seeing my child, I'm actually glad mine hasn't contacted me.

[runningup]

The one thing I miss out on is my step child I raised since a toddler, given I was only a step parent I now get zip, nothing, no contact etc like I was never called dad for all those years. Thats a pretty big sucky point.

[hurting300]

The one thing I miss out on is my step child I raised since a toddler, given I was only a step parent I now get zip, nothing, no contact etc like I was never called dad for all those years. Thats a pretty big sucky point.

we had a baby together. She simply vanished without warning.

[JRT]

The one thing I miss out on is my step child I raised since a toddler, given I was only a step parent I now get zip, nothing, no contact etc like I was never called dad for all those years. Thats a pretty big sucky point.

we had a baby together. She simply vanished without warning.

Sorry to hijack this post, but this is just plain terrible. I am really sorry to hear that this is the case. How long have you both been nc since she did her disappearing act?

[runningup]

Its so damn hard on the front of the kids when they are involved. I havnt seen my stepchild in approx 5 weeks. I have had NC for about 3 weeks now.

[JRT]

I know that it is not the same as yours as you had far more invested than I did but I began to refer her son as my step-son to others. As much as a headache as he was, I really miss him as well. I can only imagine your frustration and pain... .sorry that you are going through this, man.

[runningup]

Hey guys, Im not having a good day, I know I shouldnt be but Im just missing her so much, I know I keep thinking of all the evil and bad that has surrounded our relationship, but Im struggling.

[Infared]

Runningup... .sorry to hear about the little guy and losing your connection with him. I bet you were a positive influence on him and that his life is better for having you in it. I had a similar loss in my life and I always tried to focus on the good times that I had with the child and how I nurtured and built self esteem with the little guy and I hold on to those memories as they are just positive thoughts of us both growing together.  Sometimes we just have to let go of things in life and grieve the loss.  It sure is not easy, but I got  as much support around me as I could and did my best to move forward.  

This situation is out of your control and you are dealing with a person with a personality disorder.  We are left with abrupt endings that do not make a whole lot of sense... .and be careful... my ex was very childlike and would just try to reconnect casually after ruthlessly deceiving me and running off... .while using the new supply for her tough front... .it was not pretty and if I did not remain strong, I could get sucked into her sick games... .

I got a T and a support group and took small steps daily to see the truth out of the FOG and tried to strengthen and protect myself from a very self-centered, callous person.  It didn't matter if the person was normal, ill or evil... .in the end I was left with detaching and taking care of me.  I had to grieve that loss like a death and stay NC. It was vital for me to move on with my life.  You can do this... .just focus on protecting and loving you... .tough stuff... .But it gets better!  

[runningup]

Had a pretty rough weekend, not sleeping still and finding my thoughts and feelings are still so eratic. My feelings of hopelessness is growing stronger, and my feelings of loss towards her seems to be not easing.

[Vatz]

Had a pretty rough weekend, not sleeping still and finding my thoughts and feelings are still so eratic. My feelings of hopelessness is growing stronger, and my feelings of loss towards her seems to be not easing.

It might feel that way for a while. But that's part of the process. Such feelings are natural.

I still have moments when either I see something or do something I'd think "She'd have loved this." Then I'd get a little sad. The first few months were really intense and what you're going through will subside.

Eventually though, you might not miss them at all. But that takes time.

Right now I would recommend you find a hobby and just go with it for a while. Make it your focus. For me it was the gym. 3-4 days a week and tracking my progress sometimes helps keep the mind preoccupied. You're vulnerable right now, take measures.

[Mike-X]

Are you doing things to work on 'you'? The anxiety, sadness, etc. comes with detaching. I felt it all day everyday initially, then a few times a day, and now once or twice a week. I have found that there are triggers too. I don't fight it. I try to accept it, saying to myself, "well that is because you truly loved her." But I also say to myself that I don't need, want, or deserve the dysregulation that comes with BPD. I just don't want and can't have that in my life.

Life has gotten a whole lot better as the FOG has started clearing. I am focused more and more on me, my interests, hobbies, and work, and it feels better and better everyday. All of the devaluing, subtle things that I had forgotten about or didn't pick up on early in the relationship, has become clear as the anxiety over the rages, losing her, and a future without her has subsided, and I know that I don't want to live that way. That is not the loving relationship that we set out to have, and if she doesn'tget serious about treatment, I have accepted that the woman I fell in love with is gone.

  I feel so bad for her. I just feel sad for her when we talk anymore (still low contact). She lives a vacant lfe of denial, avoiding true intimacy, friendship, and love with anyone. She doesn't have much positive to say about anyone. With low contact, I just sit, listen, and try not to guide the conversations, and I now see how much I guided the conversations when we were together and all of the mirroring. I saw her as a perfect match for me, probably a lot of my projecting and her mirroring and enjoying having a 'life'.

Do you have a therapist? Do you have friends and family that you can turn to?

[runningup]

Its interesting the "mirroring" comment, I hadnt thought of it like that. I had always looked back at her previous relationships, and seen how she attached herself to that persons interests and hobbies, and can look back on our time together and relate to it seeming perfect, that we had so much in common, when in fact it was her mirroring my interests.

Also when your talking about how much you drove conversations, I can relate to that also looking back, I would try and engage and get imput on tings, even simple things like what to watch on tv, and would more often than now get the "whatever you want to watch", which is now being perceived by her as me being controlling.

I find that my mornings seem to be going okish, maybe its the residual of valium from the previous night. I am still not getting to sleep at night, finding i cannot shut me brain down.

I have an appt with the psychologist at the end of the month, so still need to struggle at best through the next few weeks.

getting updates from previous friends at my old work isnt help, such as "You didn't hear it from me but apparently she took the note off the flowers with her when she left work" with some flowers I sent last week that she palmed off to another girl there so her new BF wouldnt find out.

Not working is the worst I am finding, no reason to be, no feeling of self worth. Its a struggle and trying to gain new emplyment isnt easy. My house where I used to live isnt selling, so managing what money I had left to cover the mortgage is tight.

I have been working out again 3 times a week, slowly putting weight back on, I dropped to 67 kg from not eating but that is slowly improving.

[Vatz]

Tough situation runningup.

Also, you should probably tell your friends to not mention any details about her, or even talk to you about her. A friend once mentioned he mine once on the train and he's like ":)on't worry, I didn't come up to her or anything. It was just super weird." Another suggestion would be to stay away from Facebook for a while. Unless you actually *need* to be on it like say for your job or what-have-you. Otherwise, probably best to steer clear of social media at least until you've healed enough to not let that stuff get you down although I'd wager that will take a while.

It's funny, but my weight went in the opposite direction. I gained a whole lot since her... .blech   (But I've made strides so yay.)

Keep posting, guy. We've been there, some of us are still there. Details might be different but I'm sure folks here know what you're going through. Just remember that unless you absolutely must, whether legal reasons or if ya'll have a kid together, then remain totally NC, which may involve stepping away from mutual friends if they refuse to respect your boundaries about sharing information regarding her whereabouts. Yeah?

All the best.

[runningup]

Other kicker I struggle with is creating sexual imagery in my mind of her with someone else, I have to keep stopping myself and realising that it is only my imagination and the reality is probably a damn site lot more pathetic, that aside having those thoughts come and go do sting in the tail a lot.

[Infared]

Other kicker I struggle with is creating sexual imagery in my mind of her with someone else, I have to keep stopping myself and realising that it is only my imagination and the reality is probably a damn site lot more pathetic, that aside having those thoughts come and go do sting in the tail a lot.

You would not be human if you did not have those thoughts. I used mine productively to direct myself to have an ironclad NC agreement with myself. It helped. Why would I chase someone who treated me that way?

[runningup]

I think with my anxiety and depression my progress on this front is slow at best. i am appreciated the positive support thankyou.

[Infared]

I think with my anxiety and depression my progress on this front is slow at best. i am appreciated the positive support thankyou.

I identify with the anxiety and depression you are having.  Depression was always lurking in my life... .But the BPD breakup unleashed all of this anxiety along with the depression that I had not experienced before. At first I thought that I was going crazy... .I had panic attacks... .the first one I thought that I was having a heart attack or something... .I was clueless and did not know what I was going on with me.  I sought out a lot of support, a T, group T and a support group and friends.  ... .but to tell you the truth... .I was so erratic that it was a bit much for friends even. Toughest days of my life... .but there is a lot of help out there if we want to seek it. I found some amazingly helpful people in my life... .I was still in a lot of pain... .but it gave me a little hope.