he's out of control and i am out of resources ~

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My exBPD has had rough year. The list of things he has done would take all night but in short - drugs, fraud, sexual abuse of gf, theft. The details of his behavior are the stuff of movies. We went to court and ended up settling 1.5 years ago allowing him split custody and ample visitation with our daughter. My lawyer basically told me that he was a better liar than I was at telling the truth… Long story short, all this out of control behavior has surfaced since then. He ended up in jail for 1.5 months and is now out with charges pending. My NEW lawyer thinks I have a good case to change the custody order but thinks it will cost me $5000. I am bankrupt - on food stamps/medicaid -ruined. I have just been blocking his calls for the past 2 weeks since he's been out. know this isn't a permanent solution. I'm afraid of him. Have a restraining order (lot of good those do) and have requested extra patrol around my house. He is telling everyone I am "playing God - he's a good dad and deserves to see his daughter". I am at my wits end. I am not playing God - I am playing Mom. He is a known drug abuser (meth pills pot…) and I know (cannot prove) that he is a rapist. His girlfriend's stories are so similar to what I experienced during our marriage I know she's telling the truth. What do I do? I can't afford a lawyer if I could I don't know that I can mentally handle the process. The cops are so limited in their abilities - plus the legal system doesn't know me - I could easily be the crazy one as far as they are concerned. He has legal rights to my daughter. I feel so trapped. And he is so convincing. I know he is lying and I watch people buying into his sob story and it just makes me sick. Everyone is so eager to help him they can't see they are being played and if I try to point it out they think i am just a vindictive ex wife.

[Abigayle]

My exBPD has had rough year. The list of things he has done would take all night but in short - drugs, fraud, sexual abuse of gf, theft. The details of his behavior are the stuff of movies. We went to court and ended up settling 1.5 years ago allowing him split custody and ample visitation with our daughter. My lawyer basically told me that he was a better liar than I was at telling the truth… Long story short, all this out of control behavior has surfaced since then. He ended up in jail for 1.5 months and is now out with charges pending. My NEW lawyer thinks I have a good case to change the custody order but thinks it will cost me $5000. I am bankrupt - on food stamps/medicaid -ruined. I have just been blocking his calls for the past 2 weeks since he's been out. know this isn't a permanent solution. I'm afraid of him. Have a restraining order (lot of good those do) and have requested extra patrol around my house. He is telling everyone I am "playing God - he's a good dad and deserves to see his daughter". I am at my wits end. I am not playing God - I am playing Mom. He is a known drug abuser (meth pills pot…) and I know (cannot prove) that he is a rapist. His girlfriend's stories are so similar to what I experienced during our marriage I know she's telling the truth. What do I do? I can't afford a lawyer if I could I don't know that I can mentally handle the process. The cops are so limited in their abilities - plus the legal system doesn't know me - I could easily be the crazy one as far as they are concerned. He has legal rights to my daughter. I feel so trapped. And he is so convincing. I know he is lying and I watch people buying into his sob story and it just makes me sick. Everyone is so eager to help him they can't see they are being played and if I try to point it out they think i am just a vindictive ex wife.

[FamilyLaw]

Are you in the United States?  If you are, you may be able to get help through your local Legal Aid office.  Go to www.lsc.gov and they have a location finder to find the closest legal aid organization to you. 

Other places in the U.S. to look for low to no cost help is the state or county bar association.  They often have either Volunteer Lawyer Programs, or low-cost legal assistance, sometimes called QUILT programs.  Another place to look for assistance, given your particular needs is the local women's shelter.  Women's or domestic abuse advocates often partner with volunteer lawyers or legal aid.

[livednlearned]

Hi Abigayle,

I'm sorry you're going through this. It's tough enough to experience one custody battle with a disordered ex, much less two, or more. Like you, my custody battle drained me financially and my T said I had PTSD symptoms based on dealing with the legal issues alone. How is your daughter doing? How old is she? What kind of custody arrangement do you currently have?

What do you think of FamilyLaw's suggestion to seek Legal Aid? I talked to lawyers at legal aid and was impressed with one of them -- I found he had experience dealing with cases like mine. I ended up retaining a lawyer because my ex is an attorney himself and my T told me about someone who would charge me less. Later I learned she had gone through a high-conflict divorce of her own, and she will take clients like me. Over the years she gave me thousands in professional courtesy discounts that add up to some serious money. She also liked me as a client because I did my homework and followed her advice to a T.

There are angels out there, is my experience. When your mind is telling you stories of defeat, try to listen for the stories (usually they are not as easy to hear) that are telling you there is hope, and that you can do this.

First, you have to start reaching out to Legal Aid lawyers to see who is out there, and if there is someone you trust. I think I could've managed well with the guy who was willing to represent me.

[ForeverDad]

The one consolation with all this bad news is that he now has a history.  You have a protection order, he's been incarcerated, probably there are drug test results somewhere too or you can request periodic drug tests, those are some things on your side.  Yes, you had let him have a generous parenting schedule.  No one can fault you for trying.  However, you do have basis to change it, you have new concerns as evidenced by his behaviors since the settlement.

I believe it would be smart to get legal advice (good ideas above) and then proceed promptly to filing to have the parenting schedule changed.  Better to start that sooner rather than later, just in case he decides to file against you for Contempt of Court because you've been blocking exchanges.  Better to have your motions filed before his, if he files something.  That way you won't be playing Defense in court.

Some who have faced going back to court with little or no financial resources have been able to go to court without a lawyer (pro se) but found a lawyer who would be "second chair", providing guidance and strategies, proofreading forms, etc, for a lower fee.  That may not work for you if doing so would mean your ex could intimidate you.

You also should include something for the long term.  If it is currently joint legal custody - for major decisions - you may want to seek sole custody.  Since many courts are reluctant to grant sole custody without good reason, you can ask for secondary options, Decision-Making or Tie-Breaker, if it is unwilling to grant sole custody.  By having that you will be able to overcome most of his obstructions in the years to come without having to resolve it in court.

[maxen]

hi also Abigayle    i'm very sorry for your situation but i'm glad you've found our site. we have good people and good resources here, and i hope you get the support you need.

when i was finding a lawyer i had consultations with three of them. two of the consultations were free, and the third attorney charged me for an hour but gave me all the time i wanted. so if you can't retain one you could still get a deal of information (especially if you go in well prepped) without having to pay, and perhaps referrals to lawyers who could help you out. this is in addition to what FamilyLaw said, which was very good advice.

do you have personal support, friends, family, counselor? is there anyone who sees what's really going on? please keep posting!

[livednlearned]

The one consolation with all this bad news is that he now has a history.  

This is a really important point. The first time you went into court, it was a blank slate. Probably a lot of he-said, she-said. Now, your ex has a record.

That changes things.

My experience in court is that it got easier once the judge began to see the pattern of behavior -- my ex literally became part of the system, and made all kinds of bad choices that he then showed no remorse for, and did not problem-solve in a way that grown-ups tend to do.