Ex of 7 Years Now in 'Commited' Relationship with My Best Friend of 14 Years.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi, everyone.  Name's 'ode' and I'm new. I find it unfortunate that I'm posting my 1st post under these circumstances, and do in advance apologize for the LONNNGGG read, but I really need SOUND ADVICE.  :'(

So, those that can, please bear with me, read, and tell me your feelings, thoughts.

So much to type. So much to say. So many emotions. But in all, what a damn mess. Truly. Mess of hurt, pain, confusion… disaster. I’ll try to make this as concise as possible both for comprehension and the fact that I cannot even began to type all of the twists and turns of this situation, so I’ll give you main points…

I am a 30 year-old Black female. So is my ex. The best friend the same, although 32.

My ex girlfriend (who is textbook BPD; my apologies—as I’m not up on the specifically descriptive lingo) has been in a ‘committed relationship’ with my best friend of over 14 years for a little over 2 months, now.

She and I were in a situation (not in a relationship, but in a relationship type of thing) for 7 years, but were really only together officially 3 – 4 months in our 1st year. After that, we pretty much played house for the remainder years.

During these years, my ex would ask me to marry her, to commit to her and I wouldn’t because I was always afraid of her behaviors and thought she wasn’t ready. My response—‘not right now, I love you, but not like this’. This lasted 7 years. Her begging, asking—me rejecting her (I know NOW, the worst thing you can do to a borderline).

Keep in mind, we did not realize she was BPD until halfway through the situation. I actually realized this when looking on Wikipedia one night, looking and searching for something to make sense of her behaviors. I presented it to her the next day, reluctantly, she agreed and began therapy within 1 – 2 months. When the ‘regular’ therapist couldn’t help after a few months, I found the DBT therapy for her, which she has now been in in for about 2 years.

Mixed in with the above, is my best friend and all of our very co-dependent ways. I take full responsibility for allowing boundaries to be crossed—best friend was always around (always), we took trips together, lived together for a total of 3 years, even some sexual exploits… did everything together—because she was my best friend and my ex, my lady. And when we all got along, it was great.

Problem is, they ALWAYS had this love/hate relationship. Either they loved each other, or hated one another. Again… I take full responsibility for ‘pushing’ her towards the best friend, b/c when I couldn’t handle all of her emotions, I would ask my best friend to step in and assist. They formed a bond. A bond that brought forth a few indiscretions between the two—to which they always profusely apologized and gave me the ‘I’m so broken; this is what led me here’ spill. There was a point where my ex left for about a week and stayed over my best friends apartment and wouldn’t come home! I even went to go get her, to which she yelled at me, berated me, told me she didn’t love me anymore, etc etc. But… she came back, tail tucked, begging for forgiveness.

I love them both—in different ways, of course. So, I always tried to understand and although not necessarily forgiven, I chastised the behavior and tried to move on. Throughout the years, my ex would question her feelings for my BF, but always ultimately landed on her mind was only playing tricks on her—it’s just a very strong bond she’s never had, but she’s not really in-love with the best friend, but in-love with her acts as a friend. She ultimately wound up telling me ‘she doesn’t treat me like I have an issue’, and apparently I did because I was always trying to ‘fix’ her and make it better.

But, she loved me and always came back to me even though she was getting ‘nothing’ in return (she stated this and that I did nothing for her emotionally). But, I think she recognized, after a long nor did I want her for ulterior motives (for self-esteem, as a trophy, something other than her just being her… or what I thought was her). And after a long history of dating men that she perceived used her, or she used them, rather… I was a welcomed change.

As you can imagine and from your own experiences, our relationship was very tumultuous, but last year (2014), there was a bit of change. I was always tired, but I believe that began to show and became more apparent last year. The best friend moved out, and it was just my lady and I. But, that proved to be too difficult, so I moved in with the best friend and my lady was on her own. We were more distant than ever and I told her more often that ‘I love you, but still… not like this. But, I don’t want to hold you back. Go, if you believe you need to go, and find someone who will give you what you are asking for’, and not ONLY this, over the years, because of my hurt due to the situation, I would also tell her ‘you should just get with J (the best friend)’—since that’s where her confusion always lied. Of course, she’s like ‘no, no. I only want you. I don’t like her like that, baby please…’.

This keeps on until one day—Feb 8 of this year, she just ups and carries on a fling with an associate of hers for 2 – 3 weeks. I was devastated! Devastated because I didn’t want this! I loved her, wanted her, but… would not commit, and I suppose was arrogant enough to think she’d stick around. So, I did everything you’re NOT to do—begged her, pleaded with her, told her I would commit, etc. During this time, the best friend is trying to comfort me, and saying how much of a bad person the ex is, basically—the same thing she has done throughout the years when the ex’ behavior was outlandish.

But, this time, it was a little different from the friend. She was also upset. A little more upset than she should have been, which I took note of. Long story short, after berating the ex and saying what she was, where she can go, and how she can get there on the fastest thing moving… the ex and her had a heart to heart FIRENDLY conversation. After this conversation, however, the best friend admitted to me—‘I love your ex. I’ve been in-love with her this entire time, which explains my love-hate relationship’ blah blah.

Now, again—I live with my ‘best friend’, but she has not been back to HER place since February 20 (2 months!) and has been staying with my ex. I suppose it is really crucial to mention that both were/are not in good head spaces—as both wanted to kill themselves (for different reasons) just days before they go together. So, the best friend was staying with the ex as they were assisting and helping one another get through their crisis and the best friend swore to me nothing sinister is going on, although she confessed what she did and the ex stated the best friend was in fact an option.

Well, maybe 2 weeks later, it was explained to me they were dating, and a week after that… they are in a committed relationship! And it was the ex who asked the friend! When I asked the ex why, she stated ‘just cause’—but basically, I want to prove to myself I can be faithful, that I can be honest, and that I can be loyal. She states the best friend was easy and already there and accessible—they didn’t need to date because they’ve known one another, of course, for 7 years, and the best friend again, knew how to love her correctly and accurately. It’s a no brainier. Other than my feelings, of course…

I told them that it they did this, they would both lose me (this was mentioned to them BEFORE they got together). So, they stated they had many discussions, and although a ‘very hard decision’, they wanted what they wanted. Again… devastated! Doubly, at this point. So, of course… I give them space, because what can I do? And neither one is contacting me, really. But, once again—with the moments I did have—I am back to begging the ex, even begged the best friend to NOT do this… but, my pleas fell on deaf ears.

[odetodifference]

Hi, everyone.  Name's 'ode' and I'm new. I find it unfortunate that I'm posting my 1st post under these circumstances, and do in advance apologize for the LONNNGGG read, but I really need SOUND ADVICE.  :'(

So, those that can, please bear with me, read, and tell me your feelings, thoughts.

So much to type. So much to say. So many emotions. But in all, what a damn mess. Truly. Mess of hurt, pain, confusion… disaster. I’ll try to make this as concise as possible both for comprehension and the fact that I cannot even began to type all of the twists and turns of this situation, so I’ll give you main points…

I am a 30 year-old Black female. So is my ex. The best friend the same, although 32.

My ex girlfriend (who is textbook BPD; my apologies—as I’m not up on the specifically descriptive lingo) has been in a ‘committed relationship’ with my best friend of over 14 years for a little over 2 months, now.

She and I were in a situation (not in a relationship, but in a relationship type of thing) for 7 years, but were really only together officially 3 – 4 months in our 1st year. After that, we pretty much played house for the remainder years.

During these years, my ex would ask me to marry her, to commit to her and I wouldn’t because I was always afraid of her behaviors and thought she wasn’t ready. My response—‘not right now, I love you, but not like this’. This lasted 7 years. Her begging, asking—me rejecting her (I know NOW, the worst thing you can do to a borderline).

Keep in mind, we did not realize she was BPD until halfway through the situation. I actually realized this when looking on Wikipedia one night, looking and searching for something to make sense of her behaviors. I presented it to her the next day, reluctantly, she agreed and began therapy within 1 – 2 months. When the ‘regular’ therapist couldn’t help after a few months, I found the DBT therapy for her, which she has now been in in for about 2 years.

Mixed in with the above, is my best friend and all of our very co-dependent ways. I take full responsibility for allowing boundaries to be crossed—best friend was always around (always), we took trips together, lived together for a total of 3 years, even some sexual exploits… did everything together—because she was my best friend and my ex, my lady. And when we all got along, it was great.

Problem is, they ALWAYS had this love/hate relationship. Either they loved each other, or hated one another. Again… I take full responsibility for ‘pushing’ her towards the best friend, b/c when I couldn’t handle all of her emotions, I would ask my best friend to step in and assist. They formed a bond. A bond that brought forth a few indiscretions between the two—to which they always profusely apologized and gave me the ‘I’m so broken; this is what led me here’ spill. There was a point where my ex left for about a week and stayed over my best friends apartment and wouldn’t come home! I even went to go get her, to which she yelled at me, berated me, told me she didn’t love me anymore, etc etc. But… she came back, tail tucked, begging for forgiveness.

I love them both—in different ways, of course. So, I always tried to understand and although not necessarily forgiven, I chastised the behavior and tried to move on. Throughout the years, my ex would question her feelings for my BF, but always ultimately landed on her mind was only playing tricks on her—it’s just a very strong bond she’s never had, but she’s not really in-love with the best friend, but in-love with her acts as a friend. She ultimately wound up telling me ‘she doesn’t treat me like I have an issue’, and apparently I did because I was always trying to ‘fix’ her and make it better.

But, she loved me and always came back to me even though she was getting ‘nothing’ in return (she stated this and that I did nothing for her emotionally). But, I think she recognized, after a long nor did I want her for ulterior motives (for self-esteem, as a trophy, something other than her just being her… or what I thought was her). And after a long history of dating men that she perceived used her, or she used them, rather… I was a welcomed change.

As you can imagine and from your own experiences, our relationship was very tumultuous, but last year (2014), there was a bit of change. I was always tired, but I believe that began to show and became more apparent last year. The best friend moved out, and it was just my lady and I. But, that proved to be too difficult, so I moved in with the best friend and my lady was on her own. We were more distant than ever and I told her more often that ‘I love you, but still… not like this. But, I don’t want to hold you back. Go, if you believe you need to go, and find someone who will give you what you are asking for’, and not ONLY this, over the years, because of my hurt due to the situation, I would also tell her ‘you should just get with J (the best friend)’—since that’s where her confusion always lied. Of course, she’s like ‘no, no. I only want you. I don’t like her like that, baby please…’.

This keeps on until one day—Feb 8 of this year, she just ups and carries on a fling with an associate of hers for 2 – 3 weeks. I was devastated! Devastated because I didn’t want this! I loved her, wanted her, but… would not commit, and I suppose was arrogant enough to think she’d stick around. So, I did everything you’re NOT to do—begged her, pleaded with her, told her I would commit, etc. During this time, the best friend is trying to comfort me, and saying how much of a bad person the ex is, basically—the same thing she has done throughout the years when the ex’ behavior was outlandish.

But, this time, it was a little different from the friend. She was also upset. A little more upset than she should have been, which I took note of. Long story short, after berating the ex and saying what she was, where she can go, and how she can get there on the fastest thing moving… the ex and her had a heart to heart FIRENDLY conversation. After this conversation, however, the best friend admitted to me—‘I love your ex. I’ve been in-love with her this entire time, which explains my love-hate relationship’ blah blah.

Now, again—I live with my ‘best friend’, but she has not been back to HER place since February 20 (2 months!) and has been staying with my ex. I suppose it is really crucial to mention that both were/are not in good head spaces—as both wanted to kill themselves (for different reasons) just days before they go together. So, the best friend was staying with the ex as they were assisting and helping one another get through their crisis and the best friend swore to me nothing sinister is going on, although she confessed what she did and the ex stated the best friend was in fact an option.

Well, maybe 2 weeks later, it was explained to me they were dating, and a week after that… they are in a committed relationship! And it was the ex who asked the friend! When I asked the ex why, she stated ‘just cause’—but basically, I want to prove to myself I can be faithful, that I can be honest, and that I can be loyal. She states the best friend was easy and already there and accessible—they didn’t need to date because they’ve known one another, of course, for 7 years, and the best friend again, knew how to love her correctly and accurately. It’s a no brainier. Other than my feelings, of course…

I told them that it they did this, they would both lose me (this was mentioned to them BEFORE they got together). So, they stated they had many discussions, and although a ‘very hard decision’, they wanted what they wanted. Again… devastated! Doubly, at this point. So, of course… I give them space, because what can I do? And neither one is contacting me, really. But, once again—with the moments I did have—I am back to begging the ex, even begged the best friend to NOT do this… but, my pleas fell on deaf ears.

[odetodifference]

I’ve gone a couple of stretches with NC—one for a week, one for 2 weeks, but it’s not maintained. Add to that, my ‘best friend’ reaches out to me sporadically to check on me and to state she loves me… As this has been happening for 2 – 3 months, now, I’m pretty much over the worst/thick of it. I’m almost at an acceptance phase, but my heart doesn’t want me to lose her. It’s unfortunate, but I will take my ex over the best friend. I suppose I rationalize this by telling myself my ex is not emotionally well and almost add a naivety in that ‘she knows not what she does’ (although I know she’s aware), but the best friend I view as just a capitalist and opportunist.

I suppose an arguable TWIST in all of this is… I get it. When I was in the situation for 7 years, I was so focused on trying to ‘fix’ her and the (wrong) things she was doing and her hurting and upsetting me with her behavior and actions, that I could not see what I was doing to her. She begged me for 7 years to just love her, accept her, not reject her… and I wouldn’t. But, unfortunately, this did not come until AFTER she left—very soon after she left, mind you, which is when I actually read the articles she sent to me last year, and… I GOT IT. I told her this, but it seems its too late.

Of the contact with my ex, she’s been fairly open and honest, stating that she’s so angry with me, so upset—that she cannot even think of us together again; all I would do is resent her because she now resents me and too angry to even try for a healthy relationship. She’s upset because I can see it now (but couldn’t while in our situation even though she asked me to get help myself, asked me to read certain articles) but she can’t trust that, she thinks its all a ploy for me to just get her back and I’ll go back to my ‘evil’ ways. One thing we did have was very high sexual chemistry and she admits to that still being there… and will even admit to still loving me and having feelings, but she needs to ‘respect her situation’ as she’s made a promise to herself to be loyal and faithful. She also states that, even now, she has no self-esteem, no identify, no self-worth, and I unfortunately, played into all of that during our time together with my rejection to commit and love her (as she wanted or needed to be loved).

On April 9 (I had gone two weeks NC before this date), she told me that her and the best friend were having a few issues as she was being honest with her in that she’s bored and doesn’t think she can live without chaos… she misses me highly ‘on the most basic level’ but wouldn’t elaborate on other levels with a smug look. She said there’s no ‘spark’ with the best friend and that she always knew if they got together, she would have to ‘force herself’ to try and achieve this spark, that always came natural with she and I. She stated it’s really easy for her to not think of me when she’s really upset, but she had been thinking of me, basically, since the NC (during the period I did not contact her, go figure) and that all she can think about is me and someone else, and that would drive her crazy. She stated, too, that she doesn’t want me to be or become her ‘secret’…

On April 14, I once again (and for what will be the last time), expressed to her my feelings, that I believe we deserve another chance, that I love her and let me prove it to her by doing it the right way, etc etc. We spoke for almost 4 – 5 hours total that day.

The next day, April 15, she sent me a message stating ‘we are going to spend some time together on Saturday. Make sure you have something for us to do’. However, the next day, she called with the intent to cancel (citing issues with respect to her current relationship), but once we spoke for about an hour, she told me it was still on, and she needs this because she wants to know if the spark is still there between us and if so, she has decisions to make. I asked what does that mean, and she said if it isn’t, she’ll continue with the best friend; if it is… she and the best friend will separate. I thought fair enough.

One Friday, April 16… I just happened to call her to see how her day was at about 6pm, to which she told me she really needed to cancel this time, she can’t do this to her current situation and between me and the best friend, we are both driving her up a wall (the best friend is VERY insecure). She went on to tell me that although she loves me and still is in-love with me (feelings for me), it is no longer in her heart to be with me, she stated she believes too much has happened, and she needs to listen to her heart. She said she was only doing Saturday on a suggestion (by whom, I don’t know) because she did not want to let me go and also, she didn’t want to be mean. But, she stated she now needs to let me go because it isn’t fair to me at this point to keep me hanging on when she knows what’s in her heart.

I asked her well, if it isn’t in your heart for us, is it in your heart for you and the best friend, to which she replied ‘yes. I’ve loved her for a long time and I don’t want to jeopardize that situation’. I asked her if there was anything I could do… she said no. She then stated I thought about giving you a chance, especially out of obligation, because I was so mean to you and you didn’t deserve that—and I wanted to give you a better me; but, that’s not in my heart. She told me to take care of myself and don’t let another come along and hurt me the way she did… I said okay. And really haven’t had contact with her since…

Although I want NC and to leave her be, I still feel very guilty for not doing what she begged me to do for so long. After all, as the cliché goes—she really wasn’t that bad considering, I suppose, and there were many moments—even extended periods, where she did try for me, did do what I asked of her to prove she loved me. Although BPD, she was eerily in-tune with her emotions and feelings for the most part. But, I never tried for her.  And that is tearing me up—why couldn’t I just do what she asked? I didn’t see it then, but I see it now. I understand there may have been no guarantees and the situation could have still ended in shambles, but I want that chance to try now knowing what I know. I want to try and instill some self-worth, esteem… love her through it rather than try to ‘fix it’ or her.

To my credit, she thanks me and loves me for ‘saving her life’, because according to her-- prior to me, no one cared enough to push her to get into therapy, no one loved her enough to help her figure it out, but me. And if it weren’t for me, surely she would have been dead (she even had a few suicide attempts during our situation).

PLEASE HELP! I know I shouldn’t care to think about this, but all I can think of is will she come back? Will she see the ‘error’ of her ways? Does she really love the best friend? Should I leave her alone entirely or try to be friends (as she’s suggested)? But, I can’t be her friend and watch their ‘love’ unfold. And I know this isn’t you guys’ expertise—but, what about the best friend? She contacts me maybe once every 2 days to tell me she loves me, or she won’t say anything at all, but I’ll have a missed call from her. Can any of this be restored? SHOULD any of this be restored?

Just yesterday, the best friend got at me to say she’s having a very hard time, stating the following:

==

“(My behavior)… came at the cost of hurting someone that I loved dearly. It was extremely selfish.”

“This is not supposed to by my life.”

“Every day I wake up and it feels like it won't (get better). It gets worse and worse. She (my ex) tries to console me and talk me through it but that's not fair to her either. It has me distracted and emotional. I wanted to come back just to check on you, see you. But I'm scared and ashamed. I'm only getting maybe a couple of hours a sleep a night if that b/c I'm up thinking about life. Last night was really bad so I'm not going in... .”

==

She went on to state that she shouldn’t have abandoned me, shouldn’t have chosen one over the other.

I do believe a great amount of this is my fault—given how I allowed the boundaries to be crossed and blurred earlier on, how I told my ex to find someone who will give her what I cannot (because I was afraid), how in many instances--- I even SUGGESTED the best friend for her. But, I was just being stupid and passive, as I was hurt.

What advice can be offered? Because as it stands, I will move out of her place at the end of this month, they won’t know where I am, and I will also change my number. I hate to do such drastic things, but I don’t know what to do. The few people I have spoken to about  this applaud me and think I should ignore them and move on, but they don’t know the depth of these relationships, nor have a clue about BPD. I hate that this situation makes me to be the person I am not—to ignore, not comfort and console whom I thought was my best friend.

Any thoughts or suggestions? ANY advice on how to proceed is welcomed, please.

Apologies for the long read, but I appreciate you being an audience.

[Mutt]

Hi ode,  



I'm sorry you're going through this  It's distressful losing a partner to a friend with BPD and the push / pull behavior that occurs in the r/s dynamics.

I apologize in advance if I have this wrong.

Your ex partner is non-disordered and you've been in a r/s with him for 7 years.

Your friend is disordered and know her for 14.

There was a romance with the disordered friend for a period of time and you looked up some of the behaviors and tried to help her get DBT.

The non-disordered bf is now with the friend w/BPD.

He says he likes the chaos and is bored at the moment.

Have I got this right?

[jhkbuzz]

Hi ode,  



I'm sorry you're going through this  It's distressful losing a partner to a friend with BPD and the push / pull behavior that occurs in the r/s dynamics.

I apologize in advance if I have this wrong.

Your ex partner is non-disordered and you've been in a r/s with him for 7 years.

Your friend is disordered and know her for 14.

There was a romance with the disordered friend for a period of time and you looked up some of the behaviors and tried to help her get DBT.

The non-disordered bf is now with the friend w/BPD.

He says he likes the chaos and is bored at the moment.

Have I got this right?

Everyone is female, Mutt. (4th paragraph of the first post)

[odetodifference]

Tks jhkbuzz.

Hi, Mutt-- no, my ex partner is disordered. The best friend is non-disordered.

Hopefully that helps. Tks for responding.

[Mutt]

Sorry for the mix-up.

Thanks both for explaining.

On April 9 (I had gone two weeks NC before this date), she told me that her and the best friend were having a few issues as she was being honest with her in that she’s bored and doesn’t think she can live without chaos… she misses me highly ‘on the most basic level’ but wouldn’t elaborate on other levels with a smug look. She said there’s no ‘spark’ with the best friend and that she always knew if they got together, she would have to ‘force herself’ to try and achieve this spark, that always came natural with she and I. She stated it’s really easy for her to not think of me when she’s really upset, but she had been thinking of me, basically, since the NC (during the period I did not contact her, go figure) and that all she can think about is me and someone else, and that would drive her crazy. She stated, too, that she doesn’t want me to be or become her ‘secret’…

This sticks out for me ode.

It sounds like she wants rescue.

You're in the middle of all this.

Do you see yourself in this?

PERSPECTIVES: Conflict dynamics / Karpman Triangle