Reflections, almost a month out -- would love to know if anyone feels the same

[confusedwoman]

Hi there, it's been a few weeks since I've posted on the boards. I've tried to strike a balance between reading posts & informative material, and keeping a bit of a distance from all of this so that thinking about BPD and my ex doesn't consume me and swallow me whole.

It's been a little over three weeks since we've broken up, and two weeks since I last saw him. We've spoken minimally since then. I would say this is the most success I've ever had with detachment from him, but it hasn't been that long and I've had other stressors/events going on in my life to distract me. After having taken a forced step back from the relationship, I can see that towards the end I wasn't entirely in it for the greatest reasons either (fear of being alone, fairly comfortable with our living situation), but to say that I didn't still have strong feelings for him and didn't want to keep trying would be a lie. I did want to keep trying. I did want to try something new, to make repairs, to have a fresh start. It took me quite a long time to realize that I wasn't dealing with someone "normal", and that any advice or thoughts or decisions I tried to apply to the relationship were not what I needed and not what would work properly. And I do look back and think, what if I had done this or that differently? But I do think it's true that at some point, another issue would have come along or maybe more likely, he would have created another issue when he felt engulfed or potentially abandoned. I think that he could have been picking up on the struggles that I was experiencing within the relationship, and saw this as a reason to pull away so that I couldn't leave him first (though I highly doubt that I would have done so - I would have stuck around and tried to make it work).

I wanted to make the point that I think my ex was/is/always has been experiencing fears and feelings of inadequacy. I think once things began to get progressively more serious between us, not only did fears of abandonment or intimacy threaten him, but the feeling that he wasn't good enough. He'd told me before that one of his greatest fears was that he wouldn't be able to provide for me. He would vocalize these feelings in a sarcastic way every once in a while when we'd fight, by saying things like "Yeah, right, I was never good enough for you, was I?" (I had NEVER said anything or suggested anything like this to him). He'd put those words in my mouth clearly because he felt it himself.

Has anyone else experienced this? It seems like since he felt bad about himself, he couldn't stand to disappoint me again (for self-preserving reasons of course), or he couldn't bear the thought of what would happen when I finally "caught on" to this and left him for someone more competent. (For the record, I knew he was flawed. And I wanted to be with him anyway. I think he put more pressure on himself than anyone else did, sometimes.)

I know that if things had gone differently and we were still together now, I would still be putting in massive amounts of thought and effort, likely not getting the same in return. I would be unintentionally triggering him, and my strong sense of justice would take over often, and I would stand up for myself because I would think once again, why should I have to put up with this sh*t from my partner? I think when I set boundaries or tried to assert myself, any time I had an improved sense of self, he was threatened by this and perhaps took it as a sign that I might leave him. But, if I did what he seemingly wanted, and let him get away with whatever he wanted to do, I think he lost respect for me and didn't take me seriously. He was able to call my bluff several times. But that's not the real problem. The real problem is that we were/are with partners who will so easily trample all over us. With some partners, "normal", healthy partners, the boundaries are enough. With BPD partners, consequences are an absolute necessity as it is almost certain that they will laugh off the boundaries and stomp right over them.

I miss him, I miss what I thought he was, I miss who I could sometimes be around him. I'm angry that he led me to believe that we had a future together. That he actually TOLD me, often by his own accord, that we without a doubt would HAVE a future together. I wasn't reading into my own fantasy. He was so convincing in stringing me along. It really gets me that when I thought I sensed hesitation on his part, or contradictions or something lacking behind his words or actions, and I would bring this up to him, he would deny it and act as if I was making this up out of nowhere. That I was paranoid and unnecessarily insecure and that my insecurities were quite unappealing to him, thankyouverymuch. But I was RIGHT, unfortunately. I was exactly right when I picked up on these feelings from him.

I'm glad that I know what I know now, or some of this would a lot more. It has in the past. There is still a line of communication open between us, but it saddens me in a strange way to know that I'm not living in the illusion anymore. The hope is largely gone that we can be together. I don't even feel that I'd want to be with him anymore. The only thing that would change this is if we were able to attend counseling together. I'm feeling rather ambivalent right now, and sort of numb. I'm not sure exactly what will happen, or when we will speak again; I'm not sure if he will try to come back or not but I know he isn't having an easy time either.

Does any of this lengthy assortment of thoughts resonate with anyone?

[dagwoodbowser]

I miss him, I miss what I thought he was, I miss who I could sometimes be around him. I'm angry that he led me to believe that we had a future together. That he actually TOLD me, often by his own accord, that we without a doubt would HAVE a future together. I wasn't reading into my own fantasy. He was so convincing in stringing me along.

Happy weekend confusedwoman! Day 45 N/C for me and today for whatever reason is Anger Day. I could ramble on and on about most of what you had to say, but I will toss out my 2 cents on what has been the most valuable in helping me when I get conflicted about what was said when I was with my BPDx. It was in my opinion and 80/20 Rule with her. Most (80%) of what had me soo darn Idealized were the words that dripped and flowed out of her mouth like milk and honey. The other 20 were actions, but mostly negative or neutral. After multiple recycles I finally got it!

I became more of an Observer of her Actions, still actively listening but drowning out the bs. I knew this last attempt was not going to work, but at least I fought a little and started putting up a few boundaries. The more I paid attention to her Actions, the more her words simply became drones of noise.

As they say, Actions speak louder than Words. In the case of a BPD, I think it really rings true.

[anxiety5]

Hi there, it's been a few weeks since I've posted on the boards. I've tried to strike a balance between reading posts & informative material, and keeping a bit of a distance from all of this so that thinking about BPD and my ex doesn't consume me and swallow me whole.

It's been a little over three weeks since we've broken up, and two weeks since I last saw him. We've spoken minimally since then. I would say this is the most success I've ever had with detachment from him, but it hasn't been that long and I've had other stressors/events going on in my life to distract me. After having taken a forced step back from the relationship, I can see that towards the end I wasn't entirely in it for the greatest reasons either (fear of being alone, fairly comfortable with our living situation), but to say that I didn't still have strong feelings for him and didn't want to keep trying would be a lie. I did want to keep trying. I did want to try something new, to make repairs, to have a fresh start. It took me quite a long time to realize that I wasn't dealing with someone "normal", and that any advice or thoughts or decisions I tried to apply to the relationship were not what I needed and not what would work properly. And I do look back and think, what if I had done this or that differently? But I do think it's true that at some point, another issue would have come along or maybe more likely, he would have created another issue when he felt engulfed or potentially abandoned. I think that he could have been picking up on the struggles that I was experiencing within the relationship, and saw this as a reason to pull away so that I couldn't leave him first (though I highly doubt that I would have done so - I would have stuck around and tried to make it work).

I wanted to make the point that I think my ex was/is/always has been experiencing fears and feelings of inadequacy. I think once things began to get progressively more serious between us, not only did fears of abandonment or intimacy threaten him, but the feeling that he wasn't good enough. He'd told me before that one of his greatest fears was that he wouldn't be able to provide for me. He would vocalize these feelings in a sarcastic way every once in a while when we'd fight, by saying things like "Yeah, right, I was never good enough for you, was I?" (I had NEVER said anything or suggested anything like this to him). He'd put those words in my mouth clearly because he felt it himself.

Has anyone else experienced this? It seems like since he felt bad about himself, he couldn't stand to disappoint me again (for self-preserving reasons of course), or he couldn't bear the thought of what would happen when I finally "caught on" to this and left him for someone more competent. (For the record, I knew he was flawed. And I wanted to be with him anyway. I think he put more pressure on himself than anyone else did, sometimes.)

I know that if things had gone differently and we were still together now, I would still be putting in massive amounts of thought and effort, likely not getting the same in return. I would be unintentionally triggering him, and my strong sense of justice would take over often, and I would stand up for myself because I would think once again, why should I have to put up with this sh*t from my partner? I think when I set boundaries or tried to assert myself, any time I had an improved sense of self, he was threatened by this and perhaps took it as a sign that I might leave him. But, if I did what he seemingly wanted, and let him get away with whatever he wanted to do, I think he lost respect for me and didn't take me seriously. He was able to call my bluff several times. But that's not the real problem. The real problem is that we were/are with partners who will so easily trample all over us. With some partners, "normal", healthy partners, the boundaries are enough. With BPD partners, consequences are an absolute necessity as it is almost certain that they will laugh off the boundaries and stomp right over them.

I miss him, I miss what I thought he was, I miss who I could sometimes be around him. I'm angry that he led me to believe that we had a future together. That he actually TOLD me, often by his own accord, that we without a doubt would HAVE a future together. I wasn't reading into my own fantasy. He was so convincing in stringing me along. It really gets me that when I thought I sensed hesitation on his part, or contradictions or something lacking behind his words or actions, and I would bring this up to him, he would deny it and act as if I was making this up out of nowhere. That I was paranoid and unnecessarily insecure and that my insecurities were quite unappealing to him, thankyouverymuch. But I was RIGHT, unfortunately. I was exactly right when I picked up on these feelings from him.

I'm glad that I know what I know now, or some of this would a lot more. It has in the past. There is still a line of communication open between us, but it saddens me in a strange way to know that I'm not living in the illusion anymore. The hope is largely gone that we can be together. I don't even feel that I'd want to be with him anymore. The only thing that would change this is if we were able to attend counseling together. I'm feeling rather ambivalent right now, and sort of numb. I'm not sure exactly what will happen, or when we will speak again; I'm not sure if he will try to come back or not but I know he isn't having an easy time either.

Does any of this lengthy assortment of thoughts resonate with anyone?

Some of this resonates with me very much. I don't think you are ready to leave yet. That's not to say you should go back or take him back, but the open line of communication, and your line about "not knowing what will happen next" are enough for me to know that you aren't really quite there yet. 

Nobody is in control of your happiness. Nobody will decide your fate for you. Nobody has a power over you other than what comes from within you.

Your rational, logical brain is ahead of your emotional brain. I think this is common for people going through the transition from the honeymoon phase to the daunting reality of what this relationship really is. I don't know how long you were together, but when I say honeymoon it doesn't necessarily imply your relationship is new. All I mean by using that term from the non's perspective is to say, the period where you bought in, would run through a wall for them, where their hardships inspired you to try more and work harder. Essentially when the dream is still alive. This eventually fades into a lull of reality.  Your logical part of yourself has obviously analyzed what's going on and concluded all the right things. That it's not right, that you tried your best and it just didn't work, that you can't fix someone else, that you have a hard time getting through to him about all this, and most important that if it didn't happen now (the break up) it would again at some point.  These are all right on. 

But, truth be told, your emotions are in turmoil because you are attached to someone and feeling the pulls of attachment to a toxic situation. Again, both things are common in these situations and I experienced them myself.

But, there is a point in time when you realize that YOU DO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT. And that light bulb moment is when you've had enough and you realize that the power to ensure that this doesn't happen again, that the bleeding stops, that enough is enough is YOURS, and has nothing to do with him.

The ultimate boundary to set and enforce is this very principle above. When your logical mind has concluded all the things and your emotional mind finally buys into it. That's when  you don't feel "torn" anymore. That's when you don't feel anything except the self assurance of knowing, regardless of who what when where or why, this is not healthy for me anymore and I WILL not do it any longer.

That is a boundary. It will be enforced when your two torn angles, finally merge. And THAT is the day you begin to heal.

I went through this myself, but when you really truly have had it, you will know it instinctively. I just knew that it was done. I could not do it anymore. Not another sleepless night. I was angry, I was ambivalent, I was tired, I was drained, I was running in quick sand and finally said, NO MORE.  Sure I had said that before, but you just know when you finally have come around to it and really truly mean it.

[patientandclear]

CW, what you wrote resonates for me almost completely.  I too am about a month past my last effort to connect in a deep way with my ex.  Or his last effort to connect with me.  You do a great job of detailing the unbelievable complexities in their emotions and how they collide with ours to make it so very very hard to stay on a good road.  The strong interior justice-driven need not to accept things that apparently have to be accepted to stay together.  The need to decide that staying together isn't the very most important goal, even though you care and you miss the person and you love them.

I find myself where you explain that you are.  I think I am done not by resolution but just by exhaustion and the final fraying of feelings that used to be very pure and beautiful.  It's all very compromised now.  I accept who my ex is and I don't resent that he showed up as himself.  I resent that he showed up masquerading as someone other than himself, someone capable of things he truly is nowhere near capable of, and made it so hard for me not to get hopes up, so hard not to care again, so hard not to crank up my "trying" engine.

Anxiety5, I found your post really moving as well.  Thank you both for a nuanced exchange about how complicated this is and how we wear out.

[confusedwoman]

Thank you for the responses.

dagwoodbowser -

The actions are so much more important than the words, you're so right. For a long time, I noticed a disparity between what he said and what he did, and he denied that this was the case. But it started to hit me, and the realization was gradual but it made me really sad. Sometimes, even his actions were misleading. He would promise something wonderful, follow through on it, but soon enough just as things were going well we were in a downward spiral again. It's heartbreaking, really, because I suspect that he truly does not realize the impact he made and the terrible role he played in our relationship. We were both fooled.

anxiety5 -

I know I'm definitely not ready to make my peace fully, yet. If this makes sense... .I think I'm having a hard time letting go of the way that *I* feel/felt about him and our relationship. That since I held on for so long, it's hard to admit to myself that I don't feel the same anymore. I feel maybe a little guilty, I think. I know I'm not there yet, but I feel like I've made progress. I think our relationship was too close and involved for us to ever be friends. So basically if we aren't together, we can't be a part of each other's lives whatsoever. This feels like a transition toward that.

patientandclear -

We've talked about this a bit before, but it can still be so challenging to think about. Like you said, I do care and I do miss him, but I no longer feel like I'm in a place where I can channel my energy into appeasing him, sugarcoating things for him, only to have him ditch me for it anyway. Your advice has been really helpful for me, in that I've been able to reign in my emotions a lot more so that I can still feel like I have some control in the situation (at least my part of it). It is so sad to think of how we used to feel... .the feelings were pure and beautiful, as you said. I don't think I could've worded it in a better way. There was hope. And now it's tainted. I think many people put on airs near the beginning of a relationship, but pwBPD take it to such an extreme that it's difficult to recover from.

[confusedwoman]

I miss him a lot today. I still find myself thinking about things I said or did in response to him that were maybe not the best choices. I wish I had been better able to encourage more good things to happen by praising when he did something great. But doesn't that sound rather childish? That he would only continue to do good things if he receive crazy amounts of praise for them? I noticed that there were times when I'd be really upset or hurt or angered by something he did/something that happened between us. If he made a gesture to bring peace or something to that effect, and I didn't accept it *immediately* (for instance, if I still needed more time or if I was still blindsided by being upset), he would get frustrated and give up his efforts right away. I see that sometimes I may have pushed him away when he was trying to make "reparative" efforts, but the whole thing was so complicated... .he was usually the one to instigate the problem, and at times made it nearly impossible to know whether his intentions were good or not.

I feel guilty for pushing away this man-child who truly was so fragile but sometimes was capable of trying to make amends. Right now I have to remind myself of all of the times that I was supportive and encouraged him to keep trying. In reality, he pushed me away FAR more than I did him. Maybe I *should* have praised him more. But where do you draw the line when some of the attempts are so misguided... .when they think they're doing what's right and it's actually incredibly hurtful?

[Indiegrl]

Wow, this resonates indeed! Almost all of it! I totally get where you are now.

I will write more later on

[apollotech]

Hi confusedwoman,

But I do think it's true that at some point, another issue would have come along or maybe more likely, he would have created another issue when he felt engulfed or potentially abandoned. I think that he could have been picking up on the struggles that I was experiencing within the relationship, and saw this as a reason to pull away so that I couldn't leave him first (though I highly doubt that I would have done so - I would have stuck around and tried to make it work).

I certainly saw all of this behavior in my relationship with my BPDexgf. No matter what move I made to try to improve the relationship she would tear it down or simply not participate. Many times I felt as if I was attempting to dip the Pacific dry using a teacup. That last statement that you made really tells the whole story. He didn't have faith and trust in you that you were in it for the long haul. My BPDexgf was the same way. Their emotions are so disordered and fleeting they just cannot understand that someone can have the ability to make a longterm commitment. I think that's an alien concept to them. They don't have the ability to be comfortable in the fact that the relationship will continue. BPD drives the bus over the cliff no matter what we do.

I wanted to make the point that I think my ex was/is/always has been experiencing fears and feelings of inadequacy. I think once things began to get progressively more serious between us, not only did fears of abandonment or intimacy threaten him, but the feeling that he wasn't good enough. He'd told me before that one of his greatest fears was that he wouldn't be able to provide for me. He would vocalize these feelings in a sarcastic way every once in a while when we'd fight, by saying things like "Yeah, right, I was never good enough for you, was I?" (I had NEVER said anything or suggested anything like this to him). He'd put those words in my mouth clearly because he felt it himself.

I too experienced this from my BPDexgf. She would often belittle herself while comparing herself to me. Like you, I never once gave her reason for that. It was very disturbing. I was out having lunch one Sunday after church with my Sunday school class when she called. I told her that I wished that she was with me as she'd enjoy the luncheon/fellowship with my friends. She responded with a question: What if I'm not good enough for your church friends? That response was totally out of place. She had a very, very negative emotional bias about people, myself included. She would tell me that I'd get bored with her and leave (projection!). These are just statements that support their self-fulfilling prophecy mode of thinking regarding abandonment: Because I am not good enough, I knew all along that he/she would leave me.

I know that if things had gone differently and we were still together now, I would still be putting in massive amounts of thought and effort, likely not getting the same in return.

One person in a relationship cannot make the relationship work. They are like a black hole sucking everything in, giving nothing in return. Again, I think this goes back to their inability to view the relationship as a longterm commitment/prospect: The relationship will end anyway (in the mind of the pwBPD), so why make the effort to maintain it.

I think when I set boundaries or tried to assert myself, any time I had an improved sense of self, he was threatened by this and perhaps took it as a sign that I might leave him. But, if I did what he seemingly wanted, and let him get away with whatever he wanted to do, I think he lost respect for me and didn't take me seriously.

Boundaries only work if they are respected. I never saw where boundaries were usable in regards to my BPDexgf. She just disregarded any sense that I could/would be hurt/distraught over her behaviors/actions. Her selfishness ruled the day. If I expressed my displeasure regarding something, that meant, in her mind, that I was controlling. To say the least, trying to work through even minor relationship issues with her was just chaos.

I'm glad that I know what I know now, or some of this would a lot more. It has in the past. There is still a line of communication open between us, but it saddens me in a strange way to know that I'm not living in the illusion anymore. The hope is largely gone that we can be together. I don't even feel that I'd want to be with him anymore.

I am kinda where you're at here, but I have many days where I'd like to put us back together again. Like you with your exSO, I never blocked communication avenues with my BPDexgf. I am not sure if I will ever be completely over her. I can move on and develope relationships, but I am not convinced that she won't always be in my thoughts somewhere. I think this is due to their being so many unanswered/unanswerable questions regarding her, her role in my life. In many ways I feel as if I actually did abandon her as I was the one that terminated our relationship. I don't feel guilty about terminating the relationship, but I am very disturbed that I have lost her company/companionship in doing so (We did have a very good friendship at one time.).

About all that we can do is move on and take care of ourselves. I am not happy with this option, but it appears to be the only valid one available.

[confusedwoman]

Indiegrl -

I'd love to hear more when you have a chance!

apollotech -

Thanks for your input. It's good to know that these feelings resonate with people, but at the same time I'm sorry you've had to go through this too. The depths of BPD are so terrible and unfortunate for so many people. It astonishes me that my ex SO didn't trust that I was truly in it for the long haul. But at the same time, it seems like anytime he felt that he could trust in this, it freaked him out and threatened him to the point that he felt smothered by the certainty of the r/s (or at least my certainty of it). Does that contradiction make sense or sound familiar to you? It seems like a long-term, committed relationship is what he seeks so much of the time, but it eludes him, and he is absolutely clueless as to why... .he doesn't have this type of relationship largely because of his own actions. It baffles me that he is an intelligent person yet fails to see this.

My ex accused me of being controlling countless times. Or, perhaps worse, alluded to the idea that I was the controlling partner, and made me bridge the gap of that thought on my own so that it felt more real. I never found boundaries to be helpful either. It's like they almost presented a challenge for my ex. But the *control* part is I think the scariest part to me... .the biggest part of the mindf***. I STILL can't make sense of what my real flaws were/are because in my head, they're all mixed up with his manipulations and accusations. God, that's disheartening and probably something I should write out for myself or start a new topic on because it's so, so confusing. Would that be something you'd be willing to discuss further?

How long were you with your ex? I'm afraid that the time will come where the reality of this situation hits me harder and I will want to get back together with him. And I agree with you, even if we aren't together anymore physically, I think he will always haunt me to some degree. I think you're right when you say that the only truly healthy option is moving on without them, whether we want to or not.

[anxiety5]

I miss him a lot today. I still find myself thinking about things I said or did in response to him that were maybe not the best choices. I wish I had been better able to encourage more good things to happen by praising when he did something great. But doesn't that sound rather childish? That he would only continue to do good things if he receive crazy amounts of praise for them? I noticed that there were times when I'd be really upset or hurt or angered by something he did/something that happened between us. If he made a gesture to bring peace or something to that effect, and I didn't accept it *immediately* (for instance, if I still needed more time or if I was still blindsided by being upset), he would get frustrated and give up his efforts right away. I see that sometimes I may have pushed him away when he was trying to make "reparative" efforts, but the whole thing was so complicated... .he was usually the one to instigate the problem, and at times made it nearly impossible to know whether his intentions were good or not.

I feel guilty for pushing away this man-child who truly was so fragile but sometimes was capable of trying to make amends. Right now I have to remind myself of all of the times that I was supportive and encouraged him to keep trying. In reality, he pushed me away FAR more than I did him. Maybe I *should* have praised him more. But where do you draw the line when some of the attempts are so misguided... .when they think they're doing what's right and it's actually incredibly hurtful?

This resonates with me and I know what you mean. You are posting here for a reason though. I know it's hard to remember that, I used to have to remind myself of that constantly. What I mean is, suppose someone was afflicted with a contagious and terminal disease. We might blame ourselves for not have taken care of them better, or to the hospital fast enough, or perhaps we planned the vacation where they caught this infection. Whatever the case is, it's a sort of survivors guilt because where once something was shared, you are now left holding the pieces alone. It's hard. But just like someone with this disease I mentioned, it's not you that killed your relationship it's the infection (their condition) No matter how much you would have tried to help this person, you could not stop an infection through sheer will, or love. The ironic thing is, to this analogy our significant others refuse to go to the doctor to be treated. My point in this, is what you are feeling is very normal. I felt a lot of guilt about our final blow out but in retrospect if it wasn't that Friday, it would have been 2 Friday's later. If it wasn't about this topic, it would be about that topic. We are the ones who are attempting the impossible and it's just that, impossible. So perhaps you could have praised him more and for a few weeks that would have made him feel great. But you know what then? The envelope would be pushed further and in a new direction. The rules would change. Whatever praise you gave him would be forgotten and there would be criticism about something else you are doing which in turn would make you feel guilty. This is the whole black whole of emptiness analogy you will often here. And it's something no matter what we try to "pour" into it, it can't be filled. Ever.  And that has NOTHING to do with you. It has to do with them.

[Mel1968]

I miss him a lot today. I still find myself thinking about things I said or did in response to him that were maybe not the best choices. I wish I had been better able to encourage more good things to happen by praising when he did something great. But doesn't that sound rather childish? That he would only continue to do good things if he receive crazy amounts of praise for them? I noticed that there were times when I'd be really upset or hurt or angered by something he did/something that happened between us. If he made a gesture to bring peace or something to that effect, and I didn't accept it *immediately* (for instance, if I still needed more time or if I was still blindsided by being upset), he would get frustrated and give up his efforts right away. I see that sometimes I may have pushed him away when he was trying to make "reparative" efforts, but the whole thing was so complicated... .he was usually the one to instigate the problem, and at times made it nearly impossible to know whether his intentions were good or not.

I feel guilty for pushing away this man-child who truly was so fragile but sometimes was capable of trying to make amends. Right now I have to remind myself of all of the times that I was supportive and encouraged him to keep trying. In reality, he pushed me away FAR more than I did him. Maybe I *should* have praised him more. But where do you draw the line when some of the attempts are so misguided... .when they think they're doing what's right and it's actually incredibly hurtful?

Confusedwoman, I absolutely know that feeling! If I didn't accept immediately all attempts to make awful things right, and act like they hadnt happened, which was sometimes so very hard to do... .I always did accept, and "forget" but sometimes needed a bit more time, but if I didn't do it immediately, it was all instantly turned into me rejecting, me not making the effort, me being the one with problems, which then invariably turned into me being the one who was abusive... .etc... .etc... .etc... .And I'm there thinking, "but you just dumped me once again for not accepting that black is white, and then not accepting responsibility for the fact that black is white... .and now you've come back like nothing happened... .please just give me two minutes to get to grips with the fact that black is white... ." Crazy making indeed!

[Achaya]

Hi confusedwoman,


That last statement that you made really tells the whole story. He didn't have faith and trust in you that you were in it for the long haul. My BPDexgf was the same way. Their emotions are so disordered and fleeting they just cannot understand that someone can have the ability to make a longterm commitment. I think that's an alien concept to them. They don't have the ability to be comfortable in the fact that the relationship will continue. BPD drives the bus over the cliff no matter what we do.

apollotech, your post speaks to me throughout. It is amazing to me that my ex would have doubted my commitment, as I reassured her incessantly that I would not abandon her, even as she abandoned me multiple times. But you are absolutely correct about her remaining abandonment anxiety. A few months ago I was visiting websites with titles like "My BPD gf is doing (some BPD thing)." I was actually looking at these sites in an effort to help a friend who was, unbeknownst to him, entering a relationship with an BPD. My ex saw the history of visits to these BPD sites on my laptop and approached me with "Honey, are you thinking about dumping me?" Of course I reassured her and she seemed quite relieved and calmed. Now three months or so later, I am back on the BPD sites, this time for myself, the one who was dumped. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised either, if she now is convinced that I abandoned her. I noticed she always prefers to create narratives about her breakups that support her view of herself as an abandoned innocent.

[Tay25]

But I do think it's true that at some point, another issue would have come along or maybe more likely, he would have created another issue when he felt engulfed or potentially abandoned.

This is the main dynamic of BPD relationships, if you get too close they can't deal with the pain of losing you so they push you away. They do this by starting a argument, bringing up past issues or silent treatment. The push/pull cycle is real and does not stop until you call them out on their BS or they fear you will leave them and end it themselves.

I wanted to make the point that I think my ex was/is/always has been experiencing fears and feelings of inadequacy. I think once things began to get progressively more serious between us, not only did fears of abandonment or intimacy threaten him, but the feeling that he wasn't good enough. He'd told me before that one of his greatest fears was that he wouldn't be able to provide for me. He would vocalize these feelings in a sarcastic way every once in a while when we'd fight, by saying things like "Yeah, right, I was never good enough for you, was I?" (I had NEVER said anything or suggested anything like this to him). He'd put those words in my mouth clearly because he felt it himself.

Has anyone else experienced this? It seems like since he felt bad about himself, he couldn't stand to disappoint me again (for self-preserving reasons of course), or he couldn't bear the thought of what would happen when I finally "caught on" to this and left him for someone more competent. (For the record, I knew he was flawed. And I wanted to be with him anyway. I think he put more pressure on himself than anyone else did, sometimes.)

I can definitely relate to this, although my ex didn't actually voice her feelings of inadequacy. I think she just felt inadequate so she made me suffer to feel better. It was also my first relationship so I didn't realize all the manipulation, blaming, and criticism she was doing.

She also projected her own feelings onto me, in ways such as:

"I don't want to be your parent" (she needed me to "know" what her needs are just like the parent of a baby, and when i failed to do so... .punishment time)

"I can't trust you around my friends" (I never introduced her to any of my friends because I knew she would act up or act fake)

"You need to change" (clearly I did have some improving to do but a healthy individual does not go into a relationship trying to "change" their SO into who they want) plus this was just her own feelings of her needing to change her behavior because this happens with her in every relationship

I know that if things had gone differently and we were still together now, I would still be putting in massive amounts of thought and effort, likely not getting the same in return. I would be unintentionally triggering him, and my strong sense of justice would take over often, and I would stand up for myself because I would think once again, why should I have to put up with this sh*t from my partner? I think when I set boundaries or tried to assert myself, any time I had an improved sense of self, he was threatened by this and perhaps took it as a sign that I might leave him. But, if I did what he seemingly wanted, and let him get away with whatever he wanted to do, I think he lost respect for me and didn't take me seriously. He was able to call my bluff several times. But that's not the real problem. The real problem is that we were/are with partners who will so easily trample all over us. With some partners, "normal", healthy partners, the boundaries are enough. With BPD partners, consequences are an absolute necessity as it is almost certain that they will laugh off the boundaries and stomp right over them.

I feel the exact same and am very glad she ended it when she did, if not I would still be in the endless cycle of abuse and giving mentally everything I had for her. When I asserted myself against my ex she couldn't take it and ended things by hurting me as much as possible.

I miss him, I miss what I thought he was, I miss who I could sometimes be around him. I'm angry that he led me to believe that we had a future together. That he actually TOLD me, often by his own accord, that we without a doubt would HAVE a future together. I wasn't reading into my own fantasy. He was so convincing in stringing me along. It really gets me that when I thought I sensed hesitation on his part, or contradictions or something lacking behind his words or actions, and I would bring this up to him, he would deny it and act as if I was making this up out of nowhere. That I was paranoid and unnecessarily insecure and that my insecurities were quite unappealing to him, thankyouverymuch. But I was RIGHT, unfortunately. I was exactly right when I picked up on these feelings from him.

I also miss the illusion I thought was real, I thought I was with a funny, caring person but really she didn't know who she was. Her identity is based on either the people around her or whatever feelings she has at the current time.

I hope you stay strong and continue NC, there are so many people in the world and such little time to live. We shouldn't be wasting it with damaged people, they have to heal themselves we cannot help them.