Just saw something I didnt want to see

[confusedinWI]

Ugh there goes my night. I have my exgf blocked on Facebook because I didn't want to see stuff. I'm going back thru some of my old posts to read comments (let me preface this by saying I thought I deleted out her old comments) well lo and behold one of her comments is still there. Not so bad right? Wrong. Saw a small condensed picture of her with my replacement downgrade. I didn't feel any punch in the gut at what this guy looked like but from the small picture it looked like she was sure smiling for the camera. Of course she always did have the ability to crank out a good photo smile but still it was a punch in the gut. Already was having a hard time sleeping now this. God I'm all back to being depressed now. And I was kind of starting to think she wasn't as attractive now I see that picture and see her smile in the picture and it set me back. Just a little over two months ago that was me in that picture now she's smiling so big and bright with this new guy, and I recognized the smile he had. It's the dumb smile of I just won the lottery smile. Damn it this hurts

[JRT]

Ugghhh... .i watched the video that they made for everyone a while back and mine was all over the place in it... .I have also been getting these 'one year ago' posts and she shows up. All IM's remain as well. 

[Turkish]

That's the FB flaw. Even though blocked, there is still a loophole where which we can see their profile pic. I see an idealzed pic of her and my replacement. Yeah,.it hurts.

[confusedinWI]

This is where I just remind myself why life is better off without her, and also know that he probably doesn't know the real story about us. Plus how healthy can it be if she moved on that quickly. He really does have a look that says I'm super curious as to why she is with me. Man though hits hard because I was really proud of myself for not unblocking her and looking. She doesn't deserve my love anymore after what she put my kids and I thru I'm just mad though because she and him are all up in the honeymoon stage while I still cry at night and cuddle a pillow wishing it was her because she told me she wanted forever with me. I didn't need this tonight after the hard day I had.

[Mister Brightside]

It hurts now, but it's a speed bump to recovery, even though it feels like a brick wall tonight. I had a similar experience a month or two ago. I was searching for BPD groups on Facebook, and her name popped up (autofill) in the process. I too had to see a small icon with her face on it. Weeks later I was browsing a friend's Facebook page. Little did I know, ex-BPD was a common friend. I again saw the small icon/photo. It was similarly painful. I haven't blocked her because I don't want her to realize I've blocked her and feel powerful because of that (I think she has NPD too).

In any case, I know how you're feeling right now. Just goes to show how evil these personality disordered people can be that we don't even want to glance at a tiny photo of them. For the religious, it feels like looking into the eyes of evil--someone with Satanic qualities (idealization to get us in their grasp followed by knocking down the pedestal with no remorse).

Keep trying. This feeling will take awhile to wear off, but continued no contact will help you get to that safe place. Be patient with yourself. Not many get over these experiences quickly. You're not alone.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

Ugh there goes my night. I have my exgf blocked on Facebook because I didn't want to see stuff. I'm going back thru some of my old posts to read comments (let me preface this by saying I thought I deleted out her old comments) well lo and behold one of her comments is still there. Not so bad right? Wrong. Saw a small condensed picture of her with my replacement downgrade. I didn't feel any punch in the gut at what this guy looked like but from the small picture it looked like she was sure smiling for the camera. Of course she always did have the ability to crank out a good photo smile but still it was a punch in the gut. Already was having a hard time sleeping now this. God I'm all back to being depressed now. And I was kind of starting to think she wasn't as attractive now I see that picture and see her smile in the picture and it set me back. Just a little over two months ago that was me in that picture now she's smiling so big and bright with this new guy, and I recognized the smile he had. It's the dumb smile of I just won the lottery smile. Damn it this hurts

Oh man, I know how you are feeling. I made that mistake last week on twitter. 21 days nc and she started retweet in my tweets, she's not even one of my followers! I feared the day I saw her and my replacement together so I stopped following her months ago. The next day I noticed the retweets were gone. Against my better judgement, I could bop myslef for this, I put her name in. Mind you I was so guarded I had my hand up where her picture would be so I couldn't see it, I just wanted to see if she blocked me. I gauged the angle wrong There she was laying in bed smiling with I assume my replacement. Luckily my hand covered them but seeing her smile was enough. It knocked the wind out of me and I laid in bed sleepless for 3 hours. Here I am trying g to get thru the day and there she is beaming. Its my own fault. When the tweets didn't show up I should have left it at that. I didn't understand why she was choosing those particular quotes and coming on my media to do it. It's devestating that she is using someone else to erase the memory of me when I was so good to her. Lesson learned, I will not play with fire Bc this time it got me burned.

[ta777]

I too went through something similar on both Facebook and Instagram. Her all smiles with my replacement behind her with his arms wrapped around her. It's painful but you just have to dust off your shoulders and keep pushing on!

And as someone else above me said, how can any normal, healthy person just jump into another relationship in an instant without mourning the old one?

[Dunder]

confusedinWI, I am 26 days NC, but the first couple of weeks of this process I made the mistake of looking at her FB and Instagram pages. Every time I saw her posts or a picture of her, it was like I was back to day 1 of NC. I finally made the decision to DELETE my FB page, not deactivate, not block, not unfriend, but DELETE the account (which takes 2 weeks take effect). I deleted all of my social media accounts! Seems drastic and unfair that as an aftermath of my relationship that I need to do this, but I do. Looking at the big picture, it's really a small price to pay to rid myself of this debilitating emotional pain. When I am truly detached, and I mean truly detached from her, I can always set up a new account and refriend my real friends and family. In the meantime, I have substituted looking at FB and the rest of those sites with bpdfamily.com.  It's a much healthier place for me to spend my online time.

[confusedinWI]

Im smart enough to realize all the carp I went thru and that she is not going to be magically healed now and just be the perfect girlfriend.  I know that she is just in the honeymoon stage but maybe im just a little jealous that for now he's getting that amazing fake person right now. Just hurt to see that. But im sure she's already going thru the fake stages shez already printed out a picture of the two of them and put one in her office to replace me and given him one.  I do wonder all the people in her life I was close with and that they liked me I wonder what they think of her having a new guy so soon after discarding me? Does she have them brainwashed as well about me? Do they remember how I actually was and maybe think this guy is not as good as me? I dont know why it matters because I dont want to put up with her drinking or anger or verbal abuse or switching to extremes on things things feeling like some days I can say I love you some days I cant. But it just hurtzhurtz

[confusedinWI]

I can't seem to shake this feeling from seeing her picture with the new guy last night. I went on Walgreens to delete the last remnants of pictures we had together, it killed me but I think it's something I had to do.  I feel that somedays I'll never come out of this. This breakup of two years seems harder to get over than the divorce from my ex wife, and that relationship was eleven years. Maybe because in the divorce the affection was dead the last three years or so.

With this, we cycled up and down every month or so but there was still sex and affection. I look back at the final events that caused the breakup and it just seemed so "random" that we went from date night on a Saturday to broken up on Tuesday/Wednesday over the smallest of things. I look back maybe she perceived an abandonment issue was coming (which it wasn't) and she jumped the gun first so she could play the victim role. THen within three days of the break up she is texting someone that she met at the bar when she went out with her sister after our break up.

I still lived in the apartment we shared together for two weeks after the break up until I could move in with my parents. Man those last two weeks were weird. She went from some nights still wanting to cuddle and spoon all night to other nights drunk by the time I came home and cold and callous texting right in front of me. We had the "remember when moments" about our relationship which brought us both to tears, to her acting like our two years meant nothing.

I've autopsied the relationship and I now see so many things that she was doing that I allowed her to do because I didn't put up my boundaries. I taught her how to treat me with disrespect, anger, verbal abuse, hell one time she kicked me, to drunken fights when the kids were sleeping. I know that in a healthy relationship you shouldn't feel lucky when your girlfriend treats your nice or with respect, it should be standard. I know going forward that I have to establish my boundaries and honestly be willing to lose someone if they don't treat me right. It still doesn't make it right how she would nitpick and judge me and treat me that way, be passive/aggressive in emails with me. It's funny I never saw her treat others this way.

I wonder what her family and friends think of me being out of the picture and her moving on so quick? I know it doesn't matter because it's about what is healthy for myself and my children. I think this is all the harder because a month before I lost my job, she was so supportive though. But in a month's time I lost my job, broke up with my girlfriend that I thought would be there forever, had to move in with my parents which is further away from my kids. My ex girlfriend caused me to not see my kids as much because I had to move away.

I'm so lonely up at my parents. I think if the other factors weren't there this wouldn't hurt as much but I feel like my whole world was just torn asunder. The person I used to go to for support is gone, and now is "happy" with my replacement.

I often wonder because seeing his picture, and knowing me he is a lot heavier than I am (not that it matters I know but for my instance I'll explain). My ex girifrlend and I went on walks together all the time, liked to work out together, she always tried to get me to eat better. HEHE. I got the line from her that I was the sexiest person she's been with, how she always felt that she was the luckiest girl when we walked into the room because I was hers, yada yada. My point is I wonder now when her and this man have relations does she really have to fool herself into thinking she likes him, or are they basically robotic and at that point they don't care.

I guess I used to think I was special in that regards because of all the things she said. However, it was great sex and it takes two people to make it so. I know I was not a slouch in that department, or how I showed my feelings towards her, or loved her in general. This guy will not be like me because there is only one me.

The idealization and mirroring part killed me. It's like she was everything I didn't have in my marriage. I couldn't believe I found someone that I got along with so well, even down to playing a favorite card game... .she knew what it is right away.

Last week I almost did something stupid. After dropping my kids off at their mothers and starting the 1 1/2 hour car ride back I was going to stop at the apartment that I shared with her and leave a note on the car "Shmily" which means See how much I love you. I didn't though because I told myself I'd be betraying my children after how she said something to them and hurt them. I'm all torn up. I know part of it is how she made me feel about myself, I've not given myself that feeling before. I need to do that. The walking on eggshells sucks, not knowing who you are coming home to at night.

But damn it right now I am jealous. Jealous that he gets her kisses, her hugs, he gets to touch her long legs, he gets to caress her breasts, he gets to fall asleep with her at night, he gets to eat dinner with her and be excited by her text messages, look forward to seeing her, have his breath caught when she comes out (I've had other people tell me they didn't see the beauty that I did, I'd say she is a 6 to others but I still see her as a ten), he gets to feel warmth of her hugs from behind. All the things that I had, and she took away. All the times I took care of her when she was with a migraine, or maybe just drunk who knows. All the long talks at night about the future things we would do and things we would do with my children.

I know I'll never go wrong by choosing my children or myself, but I hate the fact that she infected my mind. The most creative gift I ever got in my life was from her. She took a deck of cards and wrote 52 reasons she loved me and gave it to me for our first anniversary. That gift killed me when I had to throw it away. Man I'm not doing good.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to have a healthy relationship, I have a lot of healing myself to do. Rebuild my confidence, know that I am that attractive guy even if she's not telling me it. Know that I'm worthy of being loved and being respected. But I'm afraid I won't have that "spark" like I did with her. Maybe the extreme highs allowed me to survive the extreme lows. It feels like another divorce because my kids never got to say goodbye to her, I miss her family and the gatherings we had.

But I have a list of all the things that she put me through and I just have to read that when I get to these points. God I wonder sometimes if the love was real? Did she move in together with me thinking that would help? Because it seems like even in that first week living with me, and the kids three nights a week set her anxiety off. She always wanted everything perfect. She tried to compete with my ex wife and I told her she didn't have to. My kids loved coming there because of us. But she always got herself flustered.

I'm scared now, because of what I put myself and my kids through I'm scared of bringing someone in their life again, but I know that I will want that in the future. I loved coming home to her (on good days). Spending my time with her, doing normal things when she was able to. Going to sleep next to her. Having her spoon me (she was the only one I ever let do that, it physically calmed me down). If I had a nightmare waking up next to her.

I told her all of this when I was in the process of moving out. I remember her saying "Maybe some day I can tell you all of the stuff that was special to me, but I can't right now". It kills me. I'm 37 years old, she is 32 years old. I always loved that I was able to attract a woman five years younger, maybe that was part of the problem. She didn't have kids so it was hard for her to relate sometimes. I know it was hard for her not to have all the attention on her. I always felt like towards the end I had to choose time with my kids or her, I just wanted her to want to blend more family time, but she wanted more date nights.

I did have a thought the other day though, when I dated her for the two years I got the 30-32 year old version of her. The older she gets, the harder it will be to rely on her purely "physical" charm. The thing is I used to love that she had such a great body image of herself, now I realize she didn't. She always subtly fished for compliments on her body. She is 5'10 maybe 170lbs long legs. She is not model thin but more like Marilyn Monroe curvy and I loved it! I loved her body and her heart and soul more than anyone I have ever before. I always told her that too. She was a real woman to me and I loved it. So yeah as she gets older and she can't maintain what she has it's going to be harder and harder for her to keep the men in check. Maybe that's why she downgraded with my replacement, if he feels he's dating out of his league he will take her ___.

I never felt I was out of my league with her. I felt we were equal. I was just so afraid of not having someone in my life, I was the classic people pleaser, I put her needs above mine. Didn't want to rock the boat. I had confidence at first, but the multiple recycles destroyed that. I know I have some co-dependency issues to address. But I will be fine eventually.

I just am hurt by wondering what was real? I know I have to look at the actions now over the words. But some of those words had to be true right?

I just am afraid of the future, afraid of living on my own for the first time in my life, afraid of the loneliness, more than anything afraid that when I find a healthy woman I won't know how to love her without the highs and lows.

That's my story for now. The two women I loved in my life, both gone. This hurts. At least I have my children. I just wish that I didn't have such a great memory, I can recall almost all the stuff we did. It was special to me anyway.

[joc1970]

I saw her new replacement, It bring tears to my eye

[zundertowz]

Even tho you block people on Facebook you can still see there profile pic and if you have mutual friends they can see if your tagged in something.  I was tagged by a women about plans for a night out and my exes sister was it and started facebooking and txting the women who tagged me... .this was on friday.