Trying to find out what to do. Borderline gf maybe ex right now. Idk

[Lostinwonderland70]

I would like to ask advice and insight on a situation I'm currently in. It's real wordy to explain but I need help to know what is best to do. Most say run away and don't contact, but i don't think running ever solves a problem.

Ok here goes. Some of this may be tmi. Ok we've been together 3 years. I was just divorced when we met and she said she was filed for it. For first two years I lived a state away. She's been married to same man since she was 17. He had filled her role of who took her and gave her stability. Even though he was a narcissist and treated her like ___. It was stable to her and became familiar. They also have three kids together. We talked hours a day. Text, and got to know each other's on a level neither of us ever had. I came to her city monthly and she'd spend the weekend with me. She strikes to leave 3 times over the 15 years and he always drew her back in one way or another. After a year of dating she admitted she hadn't filed yet. Money being main reason as he put her on an allowance after last time she tried to leave. They lived in separate rooms the last year. Which also was a lie the first two years, and she moved into another room after she admitted she hadn't been. So the next year we planned and grew more. I somewhat became her therapy. She came off medicine. Mainly because he quit paying for it and therapy. A way to control her. He's had her admitted 3 times before in past. She had cut from 6 to 30. She's 32 now. She stopped cutting for a year till last July when we broke up a month. She would call me when she felt need and we'd talk through it. She's call me when she felt headed to detach, and we'd talk through it. I read and learned and studied. After two years together, she was doing really bad last December so I decided it was time to move closer. Last February I moved here and she said I'd made her happiest person ever. Even though since then she's said she never told me to move. Ok that brings up to last February. Ok. So she'd come over and stay 2-3 times a week. Over the two years I was away. She get scared and run and I'd hold fast. She'd only be gone a day or so and then back to normal. Since I've been here we've broken up 6 times including this one. 4 times a few days and she'd come back to normal as in July for a month. In which she "fell back into him" as she called it. And then did really bad and he was him and we got back together in August. Ok so in January she finally told him about us. And that intensified how he was and things have just been crap since. Ok so from that day here's what's happened. Her emotions have been more up and down. She's fretted over telling people about us. The truth and dealing with the fallout. He's been more all across board from mean and nasty to somber and tearing at her heart strings. Used kids. And just made her a mess. Her anxiety has increased. We were at edge more because when she used to come it was away. And he didn't affect us. If she was upset or off I'd calm her down and center her again. I'd met all her kids over the past so they knew who I was as moms friend. They were put in middle. When she'd leave to come see me he'd act out and have everyone crying. Finally one Saturday he flipped and she brought all kids to my apt and we talked and decided I'd get a house for all us. Then we'd work on divorce filing. Things were still good between us even though we weren't all the way like we'd been due to all going on and we were dealing with so much more. I was under so much more stress an pressure with All this and work that I know I wasn't quit same person I'd always been. So we both were affected. On a side note story that does lend to this. Ok one major thing I had was that I was a smoker. And is hide it from her for the first two years. But began to try to quit once moved here. I had some downfalls and quit totally in January before we moved. One thing she was mad about was that I hide it from her. And some items I had still smelt like it. Ok back to moving. I was so wrapped up during the move in getting the money right for house, moving both of us, deposits, furniture. All the time of about $6000. I didn't do what is always done and have her in front, being as attentive and cuddling her as well. Is always treated her like a princess. Oh and another side note but maybe important. But may be tmi but maybe it's relevant. Ok our sex life. This is the tmi. So you can kinda get a full view of us. It's a Ds thing. So we have a deep connection there. It's been off too lately like all other and she's also brought that up this past 2 weeks that I let her down there. Along with all else she's said I've done wrong. And granted I haven't been myself but it's been due to getting all In this house and dealing with him and trying to deal with all else going on. Ok so the week before we moved in. Two things happened. We spent day with her and her daughter and a lot of day I was on phone or net setting up things for house and that made her mad. And also way I moved made her mad. And it wasn't good it was a hurry and very disorganized. Due to things going on. After this she seemed to stay mad. Called me an ass for that day. Also finding a big enough house at right price had me on edge and granted I was off myself because of it all. Being human and it was a mistake. Ok so we get in house. I was working a lot. She was alone some. When kids gone she was very lonely. She wasn't used to me and not being 100% there when we were together. Everything about our dynamic was off. He had everything in chaos from afar. Was swapping and getting kids every day or so. She was driving and shuffling them around. He would text her and call all day and night. I was getting very frustrated and I didn't know what she needed me to do I just didn't know. He came to get kids one day and was screaming at her and beating on steering wheel in our drive. I went into protective mode and was gonna call police. She then said I was being an ass for acting like that. She didn't hardly want to be touched while in house but also said I wasn't being close to her. I was dead tired. Fell asleep on couch when we'd be watching tv, she brought that up as me not spending time with her. Then last Saturday I got reactive and frustrated with things after all going on for first time ever with her. He had called knowing he had kids and we were gonna have a weekend for just me and her. Got her upset, she raged at him on phone for about an hour. I went downstairs to try to give her time to calm. She went in closet and opened a box we hadn't unpacked and it had an old sweater that hadn't been washed and smelled like smoke then went off on me. First time ever I raised my voice at her. "I said what's wrong with you? And he's not gonna call you and upset our time any more" then she flipped. Said I will not treat her like he did. And I would not tell her who she would talk to" she left. Went to his house then after only 3 weeks there. Moved back In with him. Saying I'd been an ass, she didn't know me, if she was gonna be with an ass it would be the one she knew and had kids with and not one that was unknown and was suppose to be there for her. She said I'd abandoned her in how I was and we were done. So we've been apart 2 weeks now. When she comes by or text she has still been mad. It seems she texts me In Morning last 5 days. Gets to talking then says all that's wrong with us and then says we're done. Yesterday she text that it has been 3 years to the day first time we talked on phone. I tried to be nice and then she went into the what's wrong with me. She doesn't know me. She doesn't want to be In Relationship with a liar. That goes back to the smoking. And I let her down as her bf and her Dom. She has deleted he tumblr account and her email. Said she was gonna change her number. And I think she has now. I have always been able to reach her and U.S. talk through things in a day or so after she calms. But she's stayed mad at me 2 weeks. Says this isn't gonna be like all other times that she's done, which that usually lasts only a day of saying it. She put up a wall and sees everything about me as bad and says I'm lot good for her and she doesn't know me and I'm a liar and an ass. Oh and the Sunday she came back to move. This happened. She was on phone with him and fussing at me. Pushed me and was yelling so I told her to give me her key and leave. That was a mistake and I did it in heat of emotions as she told me they'd slept together night before. And later said didn't. But also she started saying your house and I told her as much and it'll never be her home again. She doesn't see the reasons behind anything. All she sees is that I let her down. She now been back living with ex for 3 weeks. Moved herself and kids all back in. She isn't in therapy or on medicine. After we settled in house she was gonna set all that up and start divorce. She said after she moved out we were done. She's run and said that several times over the 3 years. She said she was gonna change her number and email so I wouldn't contact her. Which she did but the week before she did she is who contacte me first each time. I haven't heard from her at all in a week. I've sent her a couple messages on FB messenger which I'm not her friend there anymore but she left where we could message for some reason. She's read the messages but not responded.

Ok I think that's it. I hope it all makes sense. Ask anything you'd like. Help please. Anything I can do?

[Tay25]

I am much younger than you so not sure what i have to say will help you much but from what I have read it seems that you have caretaker traits as do I. This meaning you derive your self worth from helping others. She clearly had a lot of issues going on in her life when you met her and in my opinion these are things someone has to deal with on their own or with the help of professionals. It is not your resposibility to babysit her back to normal, she let herself be with a narcisist for 15 years and its not your job to save her. You should start to understand this is unhealthy and you deserve someone who can be in a reciprocal relationship where both partners play equal roles ( not one on a pedestal or one taking care of the other). Hope this is helpful.