Detachment needed

[Depression = 72% of members]

I agree with Achaya, your advice is greatly appreciated.

I am still contemplating contacting the ex of my ex-BPD and ask how their relationship ended. I do not know the ramifications of this and that is what is holding me back. It could shed light on some of the questions I still have to process daily, and I am not sure I will like the answer.

Yes, love does make blind and I have had to accept that my indulging of my ex-BPD's behavior just made it all much worse. Enabling lying and manipulation as a new relationship starts, is unfortunately not an easy task to prevent, since you will have no idea about it... .

Thank you, Peaceful. It means a lot.

I completely understand where you're coming from and I guess the biggest question you have to ask yourself is ":)oes it matter?". I mean, yes, if they broke up for the same/similar reasons you did, it'd validate your feelings and make you feel a bit better that YOU weren't wrong about his/her dysfunction. At least it did for me. But, at the end, it didn't matter if I had talked to him, or not. I knew better then and I certainly know better now. Weigh the pro's and con's and go with your gut.

The problem for me is that the former ex knows that my ex-BPD talked to me during their relationship, and it made him/her very unnerved (understandable). I'm not sure I will gain anything other than a horrible comment or something that will just make it all so much harder to tolerate.

It doesn't matter in the whole picture, but I guess I am grasping for answers right now. I think I will make a list of all the bad things I experienced during my relationship and all the good things I experienced. Maybe that will shed light on at least a few of the questions I have looping around in my head right now... .

Good idea. I did the same thing. Listed what was great, what wasn't. The "wasn't" greatly outnumbered the "was". Not to mention, I can't be certain that the "was" had anything to do with her. It may have had more to do with my pleasing her and that's why it was good.

I highly recommend making a list. Seeing it, in black and white, will help put it into perspective.

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

[peacefulmind]

I agree with Achaya, your advice is greatly appreciated.

I am still contemplating contacting the ex of my ex-BPD and ask how their relationship ended. I do not know the ramifications of this and that is what is holding me back. It could shed light on some of the questions I still have to process daily, and I am not sure I will like the answer.

Yes, love does make blind and I have had to accept that my indulging of my ex-BPD's behavior just made it all much worse. Enabling lying and manipulation as a new relationship starts, is unfortunately not an easy task to prevent, since you will have no idea about it... .

Thank you, Peaceful. It means a lot.

I completely understand where you're coming from and I guess the biggest question you have to ask yourself is ":)oes it matter?". I mean, yes, if they broke up for the same/similar reasons you did, it'd validate your feelings and make you feel a bit better that YOU weren't wrong about his/her dysfunction. At least it did for me. But, at the end, it didn't matter if I had talked to him, or not. I knew better then and I certainly know better now. Weigh the pro's and con's and go with your gut.

The problem for me is that the former ex knows that my ex-BPD talked to me during their relationship, and it made him/her very unnerved (understandable). I'm not sure I will gain anything other than a horrible comment or something that will just make it all so much harder to tolerate.

It doesn't matter in the whole picture, but I guess I am grasping for answers right now. I think I will make a list of all the bad things I experienced during my relationship and all the good things I experienced. Maybe that will shed light on at least a few of the questions I have looping around in my head right now... .

Good idea. I did the same thing. Listed what was great, what wasn't. The "wasn't" greatly outnumbered the "was". Not to mention, I can't be certain that the "was" had anything to do with her. It may have had more to do with my pleasing her and that's why it was good.

I highly recommend making a list. Seeing it, in black and white, will help put it into perspective.

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

[sbr1050]

/quote

I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore.[/quote]
I LOVE this quote!

[Irish Pride]

/quote

I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore.

I LOVE this quote![/quote]


Thank you. I truly hope it helps!

[peacefulmind]

/quote

I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore.

I LOVE this quote!

I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore. I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore. I can no longer continue to let her pull me under the water. I cut her loose and I'm swimming back to shore.

Thank you, Irish.

[DyingLove]

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

Peacefulmind, there are too many good things in this thread, but for lack of time I gotta say that I can really relate to what you've said here. I can relate to the same scenarios coming up over and over. Same thing with me.  I'm sure if I was able to rid myself of one thing, another would take it's place, until I had nothing left to substitute the scenes with.  I was weak this morning. Thinking of HER routine in Florida.  I was up for everything. Up at 5:30, kid getting delivered at 6:05, leaving for daycare and work at 7:00.  And here I am, pathetically sitting here, coffee in hand, without the strength or drive to power my own day. I've noticed since I've been back, how important sleep is.  I am sleeping much better than I used to, but if I could go DEEPER for LONGER, I think I'd wake up like a firecracker.  I wonder if even better sleep would get me thru my ruminations and woes faster and better?

Peacefulmind, I still say that I love my ex dearly and devotedly. My mind goes crazy trying to find that scenario that would work to get us back together.  I've come to one big important conclusion:  It all starts with HER making the first move. If she doesn't have the guts or "daring" to reach out to me, then I cannot move forward.  I did it all in the beginning. Okay, she was involved too, she gets plenty of credit for her part, but I dropped my NY life to have a FL. life which would not happen without her.  I would have definitely stayed in NY.  So I changed mainly. She remained the same (and got better).  The ball is in her court.

[peacefulmind]

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

Peacefulmind, there are too many good things in this thread, but for lack of time I gotta say that I can really relate to what you've said here. I can relate to the same scenarios coming up over and over. Same thing with me.  I'm sure if I was able to rid myself of one thing, another would take it's place, until I had nothing left to substitute the scenes with.  I was weak this morning. Thinking of HER routine in Florida.  I was up for everything. Up at 5:30, kid getting delivered at 6:05, leaving for daycare and work at 7:00.  And here I am, pathetically sitting here, coffee in hand, without the strength or drive to power my own day. I've noticed since I've been back, how important sleep is.  I am sleeping much better than I used to, but if I could go DEEPER for LONGER, I think I'd wake up like a firecracker.  I wonder if even better sleep would get me thru my ruminations and woes faster and better?

Peacefulmind, I still say that I love my ex dearly and devotedly. My mind goes crazy trying to find that scenario that would work to get us back together.  I've come to one big important conclusion:  It all starts with HER making the first move. If she doesn't have the guts or "daring" to reach out to me, then I cannot move forward.  I did it all in the beginning. Okay, she was involved too, she gets plenty of credit for her part, but I dropped my NY life to have a FL. life which would not happen without her.  I would have definitely stayed in NY.  So I changed mainly. She remained the same (and got better).  The ball is in her court.

I have made same commitments as you. My relationship was all about me changing my day/night cycle, it was all about me making the sacrifices while I still had an every day to attend to with a very stressful environment. I found the strength in my relationship, that I had someone who loved me and cared for my well-being. Looking at it in hindsight, I now realise that those sacrifices were made to satisfy my ex, not myself. I never asked for anything, and I never asked for my ex to make any sacrifices like I did. And he/she never did.

As I stated earlier, I have deleted all contact venues (other than emailing, not sure how to block someone on there). I have not really left any avenues for further contact, and I am not sure I want any reach out. I know how it will go anyway, it will be the blame game on me and why I was such a terrible bf/gf. And it is not something I need right now. I am using NC as a tool at this point to keep myself safe from any such lashing out (not that I expect it, because I know what type of BPD my ex is). Later, I will completely detach but I need to work a bit more on myself before I can assert myself in such way.

Thank you for sharing, it seems like we both made a lot of sacrifices that weren't exactly healthy in hindsight.

[DyingLove]

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

Peacefulmind, there are too many good things in this thread, but for lack of time I gotta say that I can really relate to what you've said here. I can relate to the same scenarios coming up over and over. Same thing with me.  I'm sure if I was able to rid myself of one thing, another would take it's place, until I had nothing left to substitute the scenes with.  I was weak this morning. Thinking of HER routine in Florida.  I was up for everything. Up at 5:30, kid getting delivered at 6:05, leaving for daycare and work at 7:00.  And here I am, pathetically sitting here, coffee in hand, without the strength or drive to power my own day. I've noticed since I've been back, how important sleep is.  I am sleeping much better than I used to, but if I could go DEEPER for LONGER, I think I'd wake up like a firecracker.  I wonder if even better sleep would get me thru my ruminations and woes faster and better?

Peacefulmind, I still say that I love my ex dearly and devotedly. My mind goes crazy trying to find that scenario that would work to get us back together.  I've come to one big important conclusion:  It all starts with HER making the first move. If she doesn't have the guts or "daring" to reach out to me, then I cannot move forward.  I did it all in the beginning. Okay, she was involved too, she gets plenty of credit for her part, but I dropped my NY life to have a FL. life which would not happen without her.  I would have definitely stayed in NY.  So I changed mainly. She remained the same (and got better).  The ball is in her court.

I have made same commitments as you. My relationship was all about me changing my day/night cycle, it was all about me making the sacrifices while I still had an every day to attend to with a very stressful environment. I found the strength in my relationship, that I had someone who loved me and cared for my well-being. Looking at it in hindsight, I now realise that those sacrifices were made to satisfy my ex, not myself. I never asked for anything, and I never asked for my ex to make any sacrifices like I did. And he/she never did.

As I stated earlier, I have deleted all contact venues (other than emailing, not sure how to block someone on there). I have not really left any avenues for further contact, and I am not sure I want any reach out. I know how it will go anyway, it will be the blame game on me and why I was such a terrible bf/gf. And it is not something I need right now. I am using NC as a tool at this point to keep myself safe from any such lashing out (not that I expect it, because I know what type of BPD my ex is). Later, I will completely detach but I need to work a bit more on myself before I can assert myself in such way.

Thank you for sharing, it seems like we both made a lot of sacrifices that weren't exactly healthy in hindsight.

... .and still I have to say that I love her dearly and if there was a way, I would do it all again at this point.  Yes, I did so much for her... .but I didn't want anything in return, it's just what a person does in a relationship when they love someone. It's just the way it is.  But when it's mainly give, there is no balance.  I have to say on behalf of her, when we went shopping, her bank card ALWAY came out. One day I wanted to pay for something and she asked why: I told her I don't want to feel like I'm not doing my part.  INSTANT ARGUMENT.  BUT at the end, she complained she was supporting me!  And all I did was stay home and J/O.  How hurtful she could be.  She did a lot, I used to see it like we each did what we were good at, but I gotta say in the beginning I got her way out of hot water. She lost the house she lived in for over 20 years because her credit was zero. She couldn't pay bills and I paid them. She needed things and I bought them.  She won't remember this stuff. Why should she.  Would love to tattoo them on her forehead.  Even this morning I'm thinking about all the things I took when I left.  BUT I also thought about all the things I left her too!  To ease my heart, I try to convince myself that we are even.  AND STILL I want her back.  Go figure!

[peacefulmind]

I have noticed one thing in my constant relationship looping and thinking of what was... .The same scenarios keep coming up when I think about the good things that happened, and most of it was on my behalf, usually me initiating it or me suggesting. When I think about the bad things, I can continuously find new things to bring up, and it hurts so much to know that all these things were there, I just never noticed because I loved my ex so damn much. It's terrifying and cruel at the same time that this is something I keep doing, but I can feel perfectly fine and then it turns on a plate in an instance, because something triggers me. It is hard to know that you did everything possible to satisfy what you thought was the need of the relationship, when in fact it was the need of your SO all along. How naive.

Peacefulmind, there are too many good things in this thread, but for lack of time I gotta say that I can really relate to what you've said here. I can relate to the same scenarios coming up over and over. Same thing with me.  I'm sure if I was able to rid myself of one thing, another would take it's place, until I had nothing left to substitute the scenes with.  I was weak this morning. Thinking of HER routine in Florida.  I was up for everything. Up at 5:30, kid getting delivered at 6:05, leaving for daycare and work at 7:00.  And here I am, pathetically sitting here, coffee in hand, without the strength or drive to power my own day. I've noticed since I've been back, how important sleep is.  I am sleeping much better than I used to, but if I could go DEEPER for LONGER, I think I'd wake up like a firecracker.  I wonder if even better sleep would get me thru my ruminations and woes faster and better?

Peacefulmind, I still say that I love my ex dearly and devotedly. My mind goes crazy trying to find that scenario that would work to get us back together.  I've come to one big important conclusion:  It all starts with HER making the first move. If she doesn't have the guts or "daring" to reach out to me, then I cannot move forward.  I did it all in the beginning. Okay, she was involved too, she gets plenty of credit for her part, but I dropped my NY life to have a FL. life which would not happen without her.  I would have definitely stayed in NY.  So I changed mainly. She remained the same (and got better).  The ball is in her court.

I have made same commitments as you. My relationship was all about me changing my day/night cycle, it was all about me making the sacrifices while I still had an every day to attend to with a very stressful environment. I found the strength in my relationship, that I had someone who loved me and cared for my well-being. Looking at it in hindsight, I now realise that those sacrifices were made to satisfy my ex, not myself. I never asked for anything, and I never asked for my ex to make any sacrifices like I did. And he/she never did.

As I stated earlier, I have deleted all contact venues (other than emailing, not sure how to block someone on there). I have not really left any avenues for further contact, and I am not sure I want any reach out. I know how it will go anyway, it will be the blame game on me and why I was such a terrible bf/gf. And it is not something I need right now. I am using NC as a tool at this point to keep myself safe from any such lashing out (not that I expect it, because I know what type of BPD my ex is). Later, I will completely detach but I need to work a bit more on myself before I can assert myself in such way.

Thank you for sharing, it seems like we both made a lot of sacrifices that weren't exactly healthy in hindsight.

... .and still I have to say that I love her dearly and if there was a way, I would do it all again at this point.  Yes, I did so much for her... .but I didn't want anything in return, it's just what a person does in a relationship when they love someone. It's just the way it is.  But when it's mainly give, there is no balance.  I have to say on behalf of her, when we went shopping, her bank card ALWAY came out. One day I wanted to pay for something and she asked why: I told her I don't want to feel like I'm not doing my part.  INSTANT ARGUMENT.  BUT at the end, she complained she was supporting me!  And all I did was stay home and J/O.  How hurtful she could be.  She did a lot, I used to see it like we each did what we were good at, but I gotta say in the beginning I got her way out of hot water. She lost the house she lived in for over 20 years because her credit was zero. She couldn't pay bills and I paid them. She needed things and I bought them.  She won't remember this stuff. Why should she.  Would love to tattoo them on her forehead.  Even this morning I'm thinking about all the things I took when I left.  BUT I also thought about all the things I left her too!  To ease my heart, I try to convince myself that we are even.  AND STILL I want her back.  Go figure!

I still love my ex, so much and I have so much passion for him/her. I am still not detached, and I will proudly say that I still love the person I thought I knew. Once I reach a stage where I can convince myself that that person is no more, it will also be much easier for me to reach the detachment stage and eventually freedom. At this point, I'm still processing. I learn so much from this forum and I am so happy to share my stories with people who have a similar insight into what is going on (tragic happiness, since we shouldn't be here in the first place!).

It sounds like your processing is also going rather slow, but as long as we both receive support from like-minded people, I do believe we can make it through. I have no temporal limit set for myself as to how long I will allow myself to process, but I do want to say that I will speed up on which ever area I can. I have once tried to tell myself that I was over it, and it backfired, and it spiralled me into the depression I am currently facing every day. I should've never allowed myself to think that I was okay, because I was/am not. I am deeply wounded and a band-aid is unfortunately not enough in this case.

Stay strong DyingLove, keep letting yourself feel your emotions even if they hurt. Eventually, the hurt will dissapear and only the emotions will be left. And those can be dealt with in a much healthier way than we're experiencing it right now 

[DyingLove]

I still love my ex, so much and I have so much passion for him/her. I am still not detached, and I will proudly say that I still love the person I thought I knew. Once I reach a stage where I can convince myself that that person is no more, it will also be much easier for me to reach the detachment stage and eventually freedom. At this point, I'm still processing. I learn so much from this forum and I am so happy to share my stories with people who have a similar insight into what is going on (tragic happiness, since we shouldn't be here in the first place!).

It sounds like your processing is also going rather slow, but as long as we both receive support from like-minded people, I do believe we can make it through. I have no temporal limit set for myself as to how long I will allow myself to process, but I do want to say that I will speed up on which ever area I can. I have once tried to tell myself that I was over it, and it backfired, and it spiralled me into the depression I am currently facing every day. I should've never allowed myself to think that I was okay, because I was/am not. I am deeply wounded and a band-aid is unfortunately not enough in this case.

Slow is not strong enough a word peacefulmind. Sometimes I am in slow motion and unless I get distracted I become trapped in thoughts and pain.  It's very difficult for me to be creative (I design) while I hurt. If her wish was pain and suffering for me, she once again got her way.  If she cared, she would be back.  Love is not selfish and it finds a way when necessary.  So maybe I'm the only one that has ever seen "inspirational quotes", because I always find a way, but she doesn't/didn't.  What the heck is wrong with people... .BPD or not!  This is torture, TORTURE!  Can you imagine someone sitting back watching all of us get hurt, and not lifting a finger to stop it!

Remember the show the 4400?  Or even Resurrection?  Can you imagine the REAL people coming back to us and removing the clones with BPD?  So many lives and loves would be spared.

[peacefulmind]

I still love my ex, so much and I have so much passion for him/her. I am still not detached, and I will proudly say that I still love the person I thought I knew. Once I reach a stage where I can convince myself that that person is no more, it will also be much easier for me to reach the detachment stage and eventually freedom. At this point, I'm still processing. I learn so much from this forum and I am so happy to share my stories with people who have a similar insight into what is going on (tragic happiness, since we shouldn't be here in the first place!).

It sounds like your processing is also going rather slow, but as long as we both receive support from like-minded people, I do believe we can make it through. I have no temporal limit set for myself as to how long I will allow myself to process, but I do want to say that I will speed up on which ever area I can. I have once tried to tell myself that I was over it, and it backfired, and it spiralled me into the depression I am currently facing every day. I should've never allowed myself to think that I was okay, because I was/am not. I am deeply wounded and a band-aid is unfortunately not enough in this case.

Slow is not strong enough a word peacefulmind. Sometimes I am in slow motion and unless I get distracted I become trapped in thoughts and pain.  It's very difficult for me to be creative (I design) while I hurt. If her wish was pain and suffering for me, she once again got her way.  If she cared, she would be back.  Love is not selfish and it finds a way when necessary.  So maybe I'm the only one that has ever seen "inspirational quotes", because I always find a way, but she doesn't/didn't.  What the heck is wrong with people... .BPD or not!  This is torture, TORTURE!  Can you imagine someone sitting back watching all of us get hurt, and not lifting a finger to stop it!

Remember the show the 4400?  Or even Resurrection?  Can you imagine the REAL people coming back to us and removing the clones with BPD?  So many lives and loves would be spared.

I know the feeling. I am not productive when I have my off-days. Not at all.

Look at the bolded sentence. This is the exact problem that I am dealing with right now, and I am slowly accepting that this is not what my ex-BPD wanted for me. It is something that I inflict upon myself by constantly obsessing and ruminating about "what if... .".

Once you realise that your ex-BPD truly does not care about you or your feelings, then it will also become much less of a hassle to deal with that fact. It is hard to know that you have given your everything, you have sacrificed so much, and you have been left to fight for yourself in the time where you needed her. It is not that she doesn't want to lift a finger for your pain, it's the fact that she can't. Look at it this way: If she came back, that would be called a recycle. What does a recycle lead to? The same thing happening to you again, maybe in a year, maybe in a month, who knows? Only this time, you will have so many questions answered, and I am not sure you will like any of them. Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself in pursuit of temporary happiness? She will never be able to rid you off of your pain, too much has already been damaged, there's no going back. Only you can fix yourself now, by the help of the many kind people on this board who will answer your questions and help you through to the best of their ability.

[DyingLove]

I know the feeling. I am not productive when I have my off-days. Not at all.

Look at the bolded sentence. This is the exact problem that I am dealing with right now, and I am slowly accepting that this is not what my ex-BPD wanted for me. It is something that I inflict upon myself by constantly obsessing and ruminating about "what if... .".

Once you realise that your ex-BPD truly does not care about you or your feelings, then it will also become much less of a hassle to deal with that fact. It is hard to know that you have given your everything, you have sacrificed so much, and you have been left to fight for yourself in the time where you needed her. It is not that she doesn't want to lift a finger for your pain, it's the fact that she can't. Look at it this way: If she came back, that would be called a recycle. What does a recycle lead to? The same thing happening to you again, maybe in a year, maybe in a month, who knows? Only this time, you will have so many questions answered, and I am not sure you will like any of them. Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself in pursuit of temporary happiness? She will never be able to rid you off of your pain, too much has already been damaged, there's no going back. Only you can fix yourself now, by the help of the many kind people on this board who will answer your questions and help you through to the best of their ability.

I put this on my desktop sticky note.  It's a good referral to why it will never work regardless of how much I love her. Once again, if she made the move, if she became responsible, if she got better or healed up somewhat, if she could open her eyes to reality... .then I'd be dealing with a much more normal individual and We might make it... .damn we would make it.  You get out of it what you put into it.  (just gave myself false hope, no good!)

[peacefulmind]

I know the feeling. I am not productive when I have my off-days. Not at all.

Look at the bolded sentence. This is the exact problem that I am dealing with right now, and I am slowly accepting that this is not what my ex-BPD wanted for me. It is something that I inflict upon myself by constantly obsessing and ruminating about "what if... .".

Once you realise that your ex-BPD truly does not care about you or your feelings, then it will also become much less of a hassle to deal with that fact. It is hard to know that you have given your everything, you have sacrificed so much, and you have been left to fight for yourself in the time where you needed her. It is not that she doesn't want to lift a finger for your pain, it's the fact that she can't. Look at it this way: If she came back, that would be called a recycle. What does a recycle lead to? The same thing happening to you again, maybe in a year, maybe in a month, who knows? Only this time, you will have so many questions answered, and I am not sure you will like any of them. Do you really want to keep doing this to yourself in pursuit of temporary happiness? She will never be able to rid you off of your pain, too much has already been damaged, there's no going back. Only you can fix yourself now, by the help of the many kind people on this board who will answer your questions and help you through to the best of their ability.

I put this on my desktop sticky note.  It's a good referral to why it will never work regardless of how much I love her. Once again, if she made the move, if she became responsible, if she got better or healed up somewhat, if she could open her eyes to reality... .then I'd be dealing with a much more normal individual and We might make it... .damn we would make it.  You get out of it what you put into it.  (just gave myself false hope, no good!)

As I told you in the private message, I still have a very passionate love for my ex-BPD. There's no shame in that, and you shouldn't beat yourself up on keeping that memory close to you. I told you, that if he/she reached out to me, I would never put myself in a lose-situation, and I would clearly tell him/her that I would only even consider bringing him/her back into my life as a friend, if he/she accepted BPD treatment. If he/she never reaches out to me, then I won't have to live through the possibility of a second chance, and I won't have lost anything anyways. BPD treatment may sound harsh, but if he/she is reaching out, that means he/she needs something he/she thinks I can provide, but it won't be what he/she expects. That will be a better closure than what I have now, because I know he/she will never go into treatment. Make it your personal agenda to look out for yourself, and to re-build yourself into something better. Set up win-win situations in your mind, if she does reach out for a recycle. As they say in "Suits", never negotiate from a position of weakness.

Let us set up a theoretical scenario. Your ex reaches out for a recycle, you, being in the earlier infancy of detachment, would probably be very susceptible to this. If you have already set up the win-win situation (for yourself) in your mind, there's nothing she can say or do to take that away. Assert your boundaries, assert your boundaries, assert your boundaries. If you believe that NC is no longer the way to go for you, and the next step in your detachment process is to actually keep LC, then see it for what it is, the next step in your detachment. Never use NC as the way to detach, it's only a process that makes it so much easier. If she reaches out, you know now why she does it. Use that as your position of strength if you feel you're ready for it.

If it never happens, then keep working on yourself, whilst still building up your boundaries and self.