She's back.

[CareTaker]

Hi Family 

It has been a while since my last post, but life has been good to me. I started dating again, and really liking myself all over.

For those that are new, a short history:

We met on a dating site, and our first date was in a pub. After 2 minutes of meeting her, I asked her to close her eyes, and I kissed her. It was the beginning of a hectic 3 years. Nothing I have ever had before, and something I couldn't escape from. It was love and hate, make love and war, hot and cold, break up and make up. It was so intense, you never knew what tomorrow would bring. I was cheated on, lied to, manipulated, nearly stabbed with a bread knife, yet I kept going back. I was addicted to her poison, and it was destroying me. Mentally, financially and physically.

Then September 2014 I walked out. Just walked. Never looked back. There was only one email to say what a total loser I am, but that was all. I was replaced within 2 weeks.

Forgotten, so I thought. But I was wrong.

The replacement was to spite me. It never worked. I never responded. The business we started was shut down. I never responded. She move to another part of town. I never responded. She had her friends post questions on her FB asking for her new cell number (sic), I never responded.

She went from featured profile on dating sites to dating the rich and famous. Pics all over her FB, I never responded.

Yet in the back of my mind I knew they always come back, but had my doubts as my ex was living a life of fun.

Eventually the expectance of contact faded and I started focussing on me.

Then today I get this. Remember she moved to a new flat some time ago, but I am not supposed to know that:

Hello,

How are u? My neighbours told me that you were knocking at my door aggressively the other day? Is that true? What were you looking for if I may ask? You have my numbers, you could have called me to tell me what you want instead of coming to my place without my consent. I would have never done that to you because I respected you.

So now you know I know since you didn't even notify me of you sudden visit and this after 7 months you never looked for me, what is it that you were looking for exactly? I'll appreciate a reply. Thx!

The only excuse she can think of to make contact, is to accuse me of something that I never did. And this email sums up the relationship over 3 years. She is testing the waters, to see if she still has any control over me. In the past I would explode, and defend myself, but I don't need to.

Did I reply, yes. But not with any of those thoughts I had. Nothing that I had planned. I don't need to hurt her, she does that to herself.

Her good life just cannot replace what we had. The good times where the best even I have ever had. But I am not living with such a sick woman. And at 35 she is still looking for someone to give her a baby... .!

My reply... .

You wish. Dream on... .!

Not hello, not good bye. Short, sweet and to the point.

Good luck to all those out there recovering. I hope this mail gives some sort of support. There is life after BPD, although initially you go through hell. Pick yourself up, day by day.

One step at a time, but never look back. Never.

[Turkish]

This sounds extremely dissociative of her. It's good that you asserted a boundary, and I can't impugn the sarcasm 

How will you respond if she does, or will you?

[CareTaker]

no need for any further correspondence

[Turkish]

Good boundry. Short, and to the point. Recycles take two (I did exactly one with my ex). It's up to us to assert boundaries to protect ourselves.

[CareTaker]

Yip, as I thought. So a reply did come. Notice how she uses this situation to once again insult me, for no reason. How she is attacking me personally, trying to get a response.

But there will be no response. This is one very sick lady.

Another answer and attitude from you would have surprised me! You haven't changed a bit, still a bitter and unhappy man! A simple yes or no would have been OK.

May God bless you though!

All the best!

This is a prime example of our relationship. How she uses words to manipulate you, and make you feel bad. Strange, my heart never missed a beat when I got these mails. I look at them now, and realize what I put up with for 3 years. I realize that today her illness is working overtime, and she needed me to jump. But I never, and she now knows I am no longer under her control.

Run, run, run. Don't look back... .

[FannyB]

Caretaker

An inspiring story of how we can journey from obsession to indifference over time - whilst they remain stuck in a loop! Hope everyone struggling in the aftermath of their break ups take solace from the strength of your resolve. There is no happy future in a relationship with an upwBPD. Period. 

[Infared]

Her contact is part outright fabricated. How could her new neighbors know who you are to tell her it was you knocking on her door? The story is laughable and disturbing.

It's good that you are stronger now... .but perhaps no response would have been an even stronger response. PwBPD are sick, so any response to her made-up story is a win for her as it starts a dialog. That usually delights them, even if it is negative. Be careful.

Oh... .I just read the response she sent... .yes... .she was just baiting you. Her childish ploy didn't work so now she has to devalue you and act like she is the healthy one after sending you a fabricated lie. So predictable and dillusional.

I know that people with BPD are sick... .but their behavior is always so dillusional especially after they devalue you ... .it's just sad.

[CareTaker]

Infared... .

Standing outside the box, looking in, I just cant believe I put up with so much emotional abuse for 3 years.

What was I thinking. Sure, she is pretty, but that is where it ends. No personality whatsoever. Just manipulation.

Actually, this email from her was the best thing that could have happened to me. Cool and calm I acted in a short and straight manner. To the point, no fumbling.

I presume she was expecting the opposite.

[Infared]

Infared... .

Standing outside the box, looking in, I just cant believe I put up with so much emotional abuse for 3 years.

What was I thinking. Sure, she is pretty, but that is where it ends. No personality whatsoever. Just manipulation.

Actually, this email from her was the best thing that could have happened to me. Cool and calm I acted in a short and straight manner. To the point, no fumbling.

I presume she was expecting the opposite.

It just amazes me how they manipulate and lie to get what they want... .but they just cannot see that trying to control everything they are ruining it.  There is no trust, no openess... .just this crazy selfish need to control to avoid abandonment.  They are so sick... .its sad... .but once we see this ... .we need to move away from it.  My experience tells me that there is no chance to have a lucid conversation with them about their reality. They just deny and blame.  Like a 7 year old.  ... .but none of that really went on for me until she started cheating... .then, propped up by the replacement everything I do and everything I ever did (rewritten history) was/is wrong.  It's shocking actually getting down with what they are doing. Painful too.  ... .but once you see it... .you can just see how frightened and broken they are.

[Mutt]

but they just cannot see that trying to control everything they are ruining it.  There is no trust, no openess

A good friend told me that this is how she is.

just this crazy selfish need to control to avoid abandonment.

For a pwBPD abandonment is something to avoid at all costs; it's a serious effect on their self image and behaviors. The intense fear of abandonment ; perceived or real and they may believe that they have done something wrong. It's usually related to an intolerance of being alone and the need have other people with them.

Actually, this email from her was the best thing that could have happened to me

That's good news that it turned out to be positive for you. I'm sorry you had to go through that for three years.

[myself]

no need for any further correspondence

Yeah, don't get sucked back in, who knows how far it could go.

It's like she's saying, "Here's a fire, help me throw some gas on it."

I wouldn't have even responded. There's no closure, it keeps it open.

[CareTaker]

Nope, myself. I will not get sucked back in. I have moved on. This is the past, and that is where it stays.

The sad part about it is. Lets be honest. It was one helluva relationship. The good times where good, but there was no stability. Nothing that one can build a future on.

This evening I actually felt myself feeling sorry for her. Realizing her supply had dried up, and she needed a fix. But very quickly I dropped that feeling, as that is one boundary I will not cross again. I never need to feel sorry for a discomfort someone has brought on themselves.

Just so sad that such a pretty girl, has so much going wrong. Not her fault, she had a real tough child life. But the reality is I cannot fix it. And therefore I feel sad for her, but not my responsibility anymore.

In my heart, I wish her well... .!

[myself]

^^^ Yeah, me too. Wishing us all well, and peace. Life goes on... .

[Infared]

yeah... .my pat response in public or otherwise is silence and moving away from the anomaly or a simple... .evenly spoken... ."no thank you".  

No anger, no get even... .no nothing... .Give them nothing to hang anything on... .and guess what... .

It is the best way to take care of me... .no fuss, no drama... .AND... .

It drives them freakin crazy!

[willtimeheal]

Caretaker... .wow your post sounds so familiar. It is like a play by play of my exBPD. Good for you for staying strong and not taking the bait. I am slowly coming to the realization (which I knew all along ... .I just needed to believe it) that there was nothing I could do to stop this relationship from failing. She  is disorder... .incapable of being happy. And she doesn't understand what unconditional love is. This relationship did not fail because of me... .i certainly have faults and flaws but I love unconditionally and I see the good in people. I believe in people and have faith in them... .and most importantly I believed in me and us. Unfortunately she was not capable of that.