Wounded after breaking up with my BPD Girlfriend

[esulfab99]

Hi,

About a month ago, I had to call it quits from my BPD ex-GF. It was by far one of the most difficult decisions I had ever had to take. We have been dating for about 11 month, and with all the roller coaster, agony, pain and suffering. I found myself proposing to her in January. The sad truth is, she did everything possible to sabotage the relationship. She pushed me away, emotionally abused me, and treated me with so much disdain that I fell into depression. I have never loved or was "infatuated" by a girl like her. I was willing to die for her. But it was nothing more than a dream, that felt like a nightmare most of the time. With all the red flags during our courtship I deliberately ignored, nothing I did or could do would have made a difference. On her own words she was too "damaged" to be a girlfriend, let alone a wife and mother. She was a classic Waif-BPD person, and the pain she felt was projected onto me to levels of epic proportion. Now that we are no longer together, and knowing deep inside that I made the right choice for my own sanity, I am still feeling the pain of loosing her. What adds insult to injury, is her lack of empathy, and how all her words of love and devotion were nothing more than her own insecurities and needing of attention to satisfy her narcissism. I know that I suffer from the "people pleaser" type. I am someone who is willing to give a lot, and only ask for little in return. But my exs killer looks, charm, sweet smile, and charisma were all a sham. I am now lurking the wounds of what I had endure during and after my experience. I hope you can offer me some advice on how to cope.

Best,

[EaglesJuju]

Hi esulfab99, 

Welcome aboard.

I am sorry that you are going through this. I understand how difficult it is to make a decision that you felt that you needed to do, but still is painful.    

Coping with BPD behaviors can be frustrating and confusing. People with BPD (pwBPD) can sabotage relationships with their impulsive nature and push-pull behavior. The push-pull is a paradox. A pwBPD fears engulfment (a type of dependency on a partner which they believe they only exist within the context of the relationship). A pwBPD will feel that they are being swallowed up whole by their partner. Essentially, it is a fear of intimacy. On the other hand, pwBPD can have abandonment fears where they are clingy and need to be in close proximity. Once the distance becomes too far with the engulfment (push) a pwBPD will get triggered try to regain closeness (pull) from their partner.

Learning about BPD does really help with healing. Many of the behaviors are contradictory and are derived from a lack of emotional regulation. PwBPD rely heavily on their intense emotions.  Have you had a chance to read about BPD behaviors?

Sharing your story is another great way of coping. Perhaps you can share more of your story?

Looking forward to reading your response.

[daz_bpd]

I am / was in the exact same position as you, I have the same feelings too. Experiences with new woman are NOTHING like the intensity and intimacy  shared with my ex gf, but I was miserable when with her, my entire life was based around her needs and wants, my own life was a trivial annoyance for her.

I also exhibit the 'people-pleaser' codependency traits mentioned.

The main skills to develop

1. Self-Trust -Attracting With Polarity VS Entertainment -- Self Trust And Self Fulfilling Prophecies - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_U8yhu3f548

[OnceConfused]

1. trust that time will heal all things. your missing her will slowly diminish from hourly , to daily, to weekly, then monthly and one day you feel nothing when the thought comes again. this will take about 3 to 6 months.

2. develope an attitude that this relationship breaking up is not a failure, for it is simply an experience. you can look at the experience as a losing opportunity or a growing opportunity. Look at all the positive things from this experience - your freedom from abuse, your perhaps understanding that good look is truly skin deep, your ability to walk away from abuse while many stay and suffer ... .

3. continue reading all the posts here to see how many who stay and consequently live a life full of abuse and regrets after so many years.  This will help affirm that you did not lose any valuable at all and indeed you just gain back your life and freedom.

4. Walk away as a victor of your own strength and courage, not as a victim of abuse. 

My xBPDgf was hot physically, but from that experience I learned that the outward physical beauty only lasts a few years as we all will age with protruding stomach, leathery skin, sagging breast. The only thing that last is the character. Now when I see a beautiful woman, I might look but I have no desire at all, for I now know the true meaning of partnership.

Did I lose anything from walking away from xbpgf? At first , yes, but now looking back, I can see the truth in the following line from the TAOS:

You are gaining by losing ... .

I have gained my peace with my children (I was a widower with 3 young Ds whom the xbpgf called B*TCHES).  I have gained my serenity for not having to look over my shoulders and wondering when the knife would come from the xbpgf. I have gained by meeting my now wife, who is much prettier, in and out, than the xBPDgf. I have gained by not having to walk on eggshells every day (xBPDgf called when I was in the middle of a round of golf and if I did not pick up right away, the threat of breaking up ensued the same evening). I have gained my sanity from xbpgf who wanted me to leave her all of my deceased wife's 401k, instead to my children as a gift from their mom's blood sweat and tears .

you will have so much to gain like I have.

[Olivia_D]

I am in the same spot with about the same amount of time.  It is so baffling.  I just wrote a long post to explain his "gamesmanship" under my head is spinning.  Maybe you can provide me with your take on my post?  I am so raw.  I know that you are too.  I also know that in the past when a relationship ended with a healthy person I wasn't reeling or confused like I am now as healthy relationships end and there is closure, not just someone closing up shop or shutting down overnight.  Or, maybe as more aptly put, someone turned the electric off in the middle of the rollercoaster ride and we're still startled and dizzy?