Did you guys kind of "forced" yourselves to fall in love with your BPD?

[Bassoutcast]

Hey.

I've seen this mentioned in another topic and it got me thinking - did any of you here ever kind of "forced" themselves to fall in love with their BPD SO/X in the first place? I mean you weren't attracted at first but the mirroring was so intense you kind of "forced" yourselves to fall for them? thinking "he/she is so perfect for me, I SHOULD be feeling something towards them"... .and end up in a r/s with them?

Just curious as to how many here have had the same experience as I did... .I was kind of "peer pressured" into my r/s , even thought I wasn't attracted to her (at first), we were just best friends... .

[peacefulmind]

Hey.

I've seen this mentioned in another topic and it got me thinking - did any of you here ever kind of "forced" themselves to fall in love with their BPD SO/X in the first place? I mean you weren't attracted at first but the mirroring was so intense you kind of "forced" yourselves to fall for them? thinking "he/she is so perfect for me, I SHOULD be feeling something towards them"... .and end up in a r/s with them?

Just curious as to how many here have had the same experience as I did... .I was kind of "peer pressured" into my r/s , even thought I wasn't attracted to her (at first), we were just best friends... .

I can relate. When I met my ex-BPD we were both in a relationship so we just evolved a close friendship (whatever kind of friendship that may be... .). When both of us were at a point where a relationship was a possibility, I had a gut feeling telling me not to do it, but knowing my ex for that long, made it hard for me to resist it, so I ended up going against my gut feeling.

The mirroring had been so intense the years we had known each other before we started the relationship. I slowly saw the fade from mirroring, idealisation into something far worse. I never saw the gradual devaluation, but I sensed that something was off. Compliments, being called amazing and the best person he/she had ever been with were gradually changed with subtle devaluation phrases. I never saw it coming, but I understand now, that against my gut feeling I entered a relationship that I knew could potentially be toxic.

[Dunder]

This is a really interesting question. I don't know if I'd say I forced myself to fall in love with my EX, but your question does get at something I've often wondered about. When I first met my ex, I thought she was physically attractive, but I didn't feel anything unusual for her at the start. In fact, my first impressions of her were that she was a little neurotic but aren't we all. Still, I felt a little uneasy around her during my first interactions with her, like I needed to be careful, it's hard for me to articulate it, but I wasn't drawn to her initially. Then came the idealization stage and I fell hard for her. That's what's always been hard for me to explain. How could I fall so hard for a woman who at first did not hold any particular appeal for me even though physically she was very attractive. You would think that a woman that could hold such power over me emotionally would have interested me from the start, but she didn't. Your question is a very insightful one.

[Invictus01]

I fell for her because... .well... .because it felt like I met the one. We had this completely crazy first meet up/date. You know how you have first dates and you can't wait for it to be over and just go home? Well, that was completely opposite of that. She isn't extremely hot, but we had so much in common right off the bat (mind you, we just met the day before, no way she could know all that stuff about me prior to the date) and had so much chemistry/sparks, I just don't know how to explain it. Felt like we were together for years. I don't have relationships all the time and generally I am very happy being single, so it took me a few months to completely go all in. And once I was all in... .she disappeared.

[Bassoutcast]

Wow. thanks for sharing your stories, guys! makes you wonder if ANYTHING is real in this r/s.

To share a bit of mine - we just met through work, clicked immediately but I only saw her as "one of the guys", shared future plans together, even told her what I wanted in a women - which in retrospect was a "cheat-sheet" for her to find a way in my heart. Everyone around us kept saying we looked so cute together and we should be a couple, and I already invited her to hang out together (as friends), so I turned it into a date and fell for her - HARD.

[JRT]

Not me... .the first date was just ok but I felt that there was something there but that she was not entirely comfortable... .the following dates were natural and increasingly comfortable and I fell pretty naturally... .she and I were very compatible

[zundertowz]

This is part of what makes me angry is I was smart enough to keep my distance for a few months... .I meet her through mutual friends she had a bit of a shady past and I could tell she was a bit foward when it came to guys.  We hung out a few times txted as friends for a few months were she was basically begging to hang out with me.  I knew I found her very attractive and we had that connection but something about her felt off... .she told me what I wanted to hear over those few months of txting and she sold me.  Fast foward 3 years and im in a relationship with a Mad women and her 2 kids I love thinking about suicide daily... .I did it to myself!

[dobie]

Jesus YES ! I thought it was just me she was young and pretty but not my type and I felt something off or missing from the start ... .

But her intelligence and her pursuit and mirroring got me  that and the sex

I remember dumping her weeks or months in feeling OK about it and then her coming back 20 minutes later not taking no for an answer and telling me "she felt we are meant to be"

I remember trying to fall in love with her I think I did over time but there was a sense of emeshment as well and needs on my part (dependency)

[valet]

Yes, this absolutely happened to me.

She appeared perfect for me, so it defied my logic why I still had a gut 'no' going on inside of me. She was my best friend, and I thought that I was just confused because another relationship that I had been in had ended about 3 months prior.

I got with her despite my instincts and true feelings and then like, 5-6 months in I was totally hooked. This was a mistake that I will never repeat, but I definitely have to own it.

[Turkish]

Yes.

Sometimes I feel like as such I didn't give her what she needed. Perhaps to go through a couple of more bad r/s with young, narcissistic guys (as her last two boyfriends were, who cheated on and left her) to learn a lesson. I think she learned the most from me (she implied that she did). I sometimes feel like saying, "sorry to waste 6 years of your life when you could have been with someone who was a better fit." My T took a step back and said, "look at it, you were a bad match for x, y, z, etc... .choose someone who matches you better next time."

Then again, she would have gotten pregnant by anybody (she tried with the first, and though she wasn't' in love with the second guy, she never used protection). so maybe it's good that she had kids with me. I don't know. There are no answers to that one.

Yes, my gut said, "why are you trying to form a family with someone who flat out said to you, 'I hate marriage!'" (i.e., commitment). I chose to love her more as she was leaving... .then I just turned it off when I realized it was hopeless.

I think I was more in love with the idea of her, rather than her, though I did love her. That's my emotional immaturity, demonstrated in a different way.

[SWLSR]

No

I really fell for her.  Everything seemed so right but in the end it was so wrong

[jhkbuzz]

I think I was more in love with the idea of her, rather than her, though I did love her. That's my emotional immaturity, demonstrated in a different way.

Can you explain that a little more?  How was that "emotional immaturity"?

[zundertowz]

I think I was more in love with the idea of her, rather than her, though I did love her. That's my emotional immaturity, demonstrated in a different way.

I feel the same way... .She was beautiful and spontaneous, but truth be told I really didn't like her personality and her values. I think this is why n/c is relatively easy for me.  There was this spark and chemistry in the honeymoon phase that ive only had twice before tho.  I still love her kids and the idea of what the "family" represented... .but not her.  Im sure she would make a fun friend but she is an awful gf/wife.

[Dunder]

I am reading a lot of things in this thread that were true for me. I didn't fall for her for quite awhile despite her excessive interest in me. I had this gut feeling she was wrong for me. I kept her at arms length for months but then I started to lower my guard and then before I knew I was stuck in a very unhealthy and unsatisfying relationship that I couldn't extract myself from without a lot of pain.

[Turkish]

I think I was more in love with the idea of her, rather than her, though I did love her. That's my emotional immaturity, demonstrated in a different way.

Can you explain that a little more?  How was that "emotional immaturity"?

On some level, I knew that I wasn't nearly as into her as she was me (leaving aside the Father-Daughter dynamic for a moment). A little kid may touch a hot stove even if he knows he may get burned. I think I knew I'd eventually get burned, yet I went all in anyway. That's not the behavior of a well-adjusted adult. She fantasized one type of r/s, and on another level, so did I.

I would never do this again, even if I were younger, after this experience. So I conclude that by this experience, my world-view matured.

[LimboFL]

Another absolute wow moment, for me, on BPD Family. An excellent question and observation. Despite ending up very deeply in love with my ExBPDgf, she wasn't my type, was too forward etc etc. It's all been said, already. THe gut was without question pushing. I think my falling in love with her had less to do with the idealization and more to do with my empathy for the wounded bird and desire to not be the escape artists but rather be the one who provided her with the rock she seemed so desperate to have in her life.

Sometimes, the similarities to my story that I read on this site are freaky. They truly re-enforce the fact that I have not spent all of this time researching, studying and participating in the BPD world simply because I have been clinging to an excuse for the complications and eventual end of my 4 year relationship. Just as we see on this board, many times, we non's continue to wonder if the BPD was real. Our own minds aren't truly able to process it, because we are talking about living, breathing, human beings and because we lived it. We don't have the benefit of being a fly on the wall as our exBPD's interact with our replacements. I wonder what that would feel like. 

[Popcorn71]

I completely understand what you mean OP.  When I first met my xBPDh I wasn't keen at all as he was so 'not' what I wanted.

However, a family member persuaded me to give my ex a chance and go on a date.  During that first date my ex made me laugh so much and was so sweet to me that I decided to see him again.  You all know what happened next.  He completely hooked me with the mirroring and flattery.  The 'relationship' progressed at the speed of light and he was living with me after a couple of weeks.

It was too quick for me but I felt sorry for him and he was being so nice to me.  I didn't find him physically attractive at all and kept telling myself that because everything else was so perfect I should overlook that.  In time I really fell for him and after 9 years together, building a future (so I thought) I did love him (or who I thought he was).

Now I look back and wish I had gone with my gut instinct instead of being persuaded by my family.  I would have saved myself a whole lot of grief and trouble.  In future, I will base any choices of partner on what I want, not what people think I should have.

[Dunder]

I think my falling in love with her had less to do with the idealization and more to do with my empathy for the wounded bird and desire to not be the escape artists but rather be the one who provided her with the rock she seemed so desperate to have in her life.

That was it exactly for me. She would lament how awful other guys had been to her and then joke that only 0.000001% of males in the world are good people. I so wanted to prove her wrong and be the grand exception, the man she was always waiting for. My problem was I never asked myself if this was the woman I always wanted.

[once removed]

sort of. my preference, at least consciously, is to take relationships slowly. the idealization phase was something i felt id seen before and made me uncomfortable. i wrote in my journal at the time that i was afraid she was going to drop an "l bomb" soon. she said it ("i love you" in what was to me, a completely inappropriate circumstance. i was caught off guard. i probably processed a thousand feelings of discomfort in that split second, but replied "i love you too." maybe she sensed that i was hesitant, because after this circumstance, she told me she was sorry for saying it at perhaps an inappropriate time, but she really did love me. i think thats what i wanted to hear.

[Madison66]

Interesting thread!  I don't think I forced myself or felt forced to fall in love with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  What I will say is that I allowed the r/s to progress too quickly and I allowed myself to continue in the r/s early on even though I had a gut feeling things felt "strange" or "off".  At the same time, I'd never felt such intense energy and passion with anyone before.  That being said, I still moved forward in the r/s even though:

1. I had no business getting into a serious r/s less than six months after my own divorce from a 14 year marriage.

2. We met on a dating site in which her profile stated she was divorced.  She offered up the truth that she was separated at the first meeting.

3. She was going through a divorce with three small kids (2, 4 and 6 when we met).  She told me her divorce was going to be a quick mediation process.  It ended up being a "lawyered-up" 1.5 year mess.

4. She offered up too many details at our first meeting that her ex H left her for another woman while she was pregnant with her youngest child and that he is a N and a bad father.  

5. She had me meet her three young kids by about the third date.  Man, that was too early and should have served as a major  !

6. She told me on our fourth date that she had been sexually abused by a female coach in HS and she felt her parents and other didn't help her.  She said this all teary-eyed and my "white knight" persona kicked right in and we slept together that night.

7. While she was pretty high functioning, intelligent and had a great job, her life was in total constant chaos and I witnessed significant emotional immaturity early on.  First visit to her house left me with the impression that she was a potential "hoarder".  I mean it was an expensive suburban home full of crap and being trashed by her kids.

8. Her parenting style was basically "no parenting" = no rules, boundaries, punishments, rewards, structure, etc.  I was like a child trying to raise children.  I knew about the "family bed" thing early and didn't shy away, although I did not participate in sleeping in the same bed with her and her young kids even though she wanted me to.

9. The long late night phone calls started almost immediately with her wanting me to hang on the phone for hours easily until midnight or 1am.

10. The frequent phone calls started early where she'd be crying and freaking out about her kids' behavior and/or all the chaos in her life.  I allowed her to engage my "fixer" persona!

All of this stuff in the first month or two and it got wackier from there.  I stayed for 3+ years, but I never allowed it to get to the point of combining households!  Again, I was fresh out of a divorce and this was the "perfect storm" to engage my "white knight", "fixer" and "co-dependent" persona at a very vulnerable time for me.  I didn't feel forced or that I was forcing anything, it just happened too fast.  I've been out 18 months and it all feels like a memory of a memory.  

About seven or eight months ago, I met a fabulous non PD lady and the r/s has progress slowly and naturally.  The chaos and   aren't there, and it feels good in my gut.  There is no resemblance to my past r/s.  I feel like I've learned, grown, healed, detached and moved on to a healthy r/s.  No chaos, perfect storm, love bombing, etc.  Just good... . 

[BlueSunshine]

I've been thinking about this very thing on and off quite a bit lately.

I was attracted right away. He was handsome and very popular, always laughing, talking a lot, really stood out as an individual, and when I'd see him on his own he was either writing or reading (for pleasure). I noted all this before we really began interacting so I had no reason to believe it was a facade of any sort. I actually did see him across a crowded room in a busy coffee shop, for how ridiculously cliche it is.

I was very drawn to him and honestly once we had some real contact in the beginning he would flirt heavily with me but that was the extent of it. I know this sounds horribly narcissistic but I rarely ever had an interest in someone that wasn't reciprocated.

Anyway... .

I didn't know but at the time he thought I was "out of his league" so he didn't try to pursue me despite how much interest I showed him. Now I can more then kick myself for that  

After a few months of casual public encounters I told him clearly of my interest, and eventually we began talking, and then dating. I was head over heels for him, and all logic, as well as my usual habits of strategy and planning, left my head entirely. I was truly madly in love.

This was, all so very odd for me because normally my attraction is on an intellectual level and though I had dated, and had a few decent relationships under my belt, I still wasn't a lovestruck or lusty type (and I am in fact asexual). I do think it arose because I did believe from the very beginning outsider view he was similar to myself.

Of course the more time we spent together dating the more he was like me (of course, right). Now though, when I think back I remember somethings that I brushed away at the time, that now I wonder if I intentionally overlooked to keep the intense high I was experiencing from "being in love".


It was the most ethereal experience I ever had and I think I clung to that. Quite unlike other relationships where I wasn't swept away, and balanced the fun and good times with all the little bumps and differences for a better, more stable, long-term compatibility of companionship. I didn't ever want or seek out a dreamy unrealistic relationship like that, yet there I was, all wound up in it unable to see the ground.

I never encountered that type of lying before, mean and bad people, sure, but not one who pretended to love you so skillfully. I never even considered people acted like that because what would be the result? Why bother? However, at the age of 22 I also didn't know much about the ego. Later when I learned of his BPD it didn't take long to establish he was the typical Casanova type.

In a way, I think I allowed myself to be duped for the "high" of being passionately in love. It was at the time one of the best things I ever experienced in my life. If only I could erase the nightmare that followed the dream.

[acidQ]

My situation is a bit different from many on this site since I never had a romantic relationship with this person. In the beginning there was a lot of love bombing on her side and it was pretty clear that she wanted us to be a couple but I was always a bit confused and unsure about it. I didn't find her that attractive and she wasn't my type at all and something about her seemed somehow off but I didn't know what. But things changed after a year and I started to have feelings for her. I rarely have any crushes on anyone so this felt pretty special because I kinda learned to like her over time. Long story short, I waited another year, confessed that I have feelings for her and she split me black right at that moment. I didn't have a clue about her having a pd at that time (even though she had mentioned that when we first met) so it was pretty horrible. Even though we always were "just friends", I can't believe how much it still hurts.

[iluminati]

It's funny that a thread like this is here.  My ex definitely tried to push the pace.  I know that if it were up to her, we would have been married in a month.  I took my time, and let the relationship develop on its own terms, but it wasn't without significant pressure on her end to escalate things.