Kind of just lost here (Christian)

[bravo5]

Hi, I am not sure where to start.  My husband has been spiraling out of control with multiple addictions and even when sober, bizarre behavior.  He's been in and out of inpatient/outpatient rehab since the fall, and keeps getting worse.  A few weeks ago, I held my boundary and asked him to move out for my safety, since he is not in treatment or in recovery.  Last week his therapist said he was in a mental health crisis, wanted him to get an assessment somewhere for treatment.  He was on board as he said he felt out of control- something was 'not right in his head', etc- then once the actual treatment places/options were presented, blew up in anger at ME and stormed out.  He later blamed me and accused me of causing him great pain by 'blindsiding' him out of the blue with saying he was unstable and 'needed to be committed'.  I did not say anything of the kind.

He is saying he wants no contact with me, but then does not stop text/calls/emails, etc.  One minute I miss you I love you- 15 minutes later I cause him so much pain and it's all my fault, 15 minutes later I miss you, can we go out on a date, etc.  He has on and off accused me of abandoning him, which I coun't understand at all- he was the one doing all these things!  I could keep going on... . His therapist says I just have to let him go, I can't save him, he will eventually hit rock bottom and hopefully get real treatment with mental health and substance abuse.  Our couples therapist (also addiction specialist and IMHO much more in tune with the situation than his individual therapist) says much of the same thing, but we also talked about the possibility of BPD and how this really complicates things.  I have been reading and researching BPD and the more I read, the more I feel like this is totally my husband- high functioning most of the time- wow I see so many things I never even realized before- I've always just said he has lots of "quirks".  

I don't want to be someone who just reads stuff online and then thinks I can diagnose- but I feel like nobody is listening to me, they don't see the behavior that I see every day.  I have been working on doing the 'tough love' that is recommended by all the substance abuse counselors, alanon, therapists, etc.  They say to cut him off completely.  They say the bizarre behavoir is most likely all due to the addictions having taken over, he needs to hit rock bottom.  I am trying to believe this... .but can't shake the feeling that mental health is primary, and the addictions are a symptom/secondary.  I am afraid that my 'tough love' may be the wrong thing to do here- but I also have to protect myself, etc.  I feel lost, helpless, hopeless, powerless.  I love him and want him to get help- even if our marriage is to late to save.  I'm going to just keep reading and praying.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[willemina]

Here you will not feel so lost as you will find that many here are feeling that way. He is your husband, so that means you are of one flesh, according to the Word of God. I know the attack on the family is so strong aways has been, but even more so these days. I pray you can stay strong, even read Psalms 91 and let peace come in. If he hits rock bottom, I guess that works for some, I don't know, but I believe when you love someone, you don't leave, never never leave.

[Suzn]

Welcome bravo5

I'm sorry you have been going through all of this with your husband.    We understand the hopeless feeling addictions can cause in families, you're not alone. I'm very glad you have found us.

I don't want to be someone who just reads stuff online and then thinks I can diagnose- but I feel like nobody is listening to me, they don't see the behavior that I see every day.  

Who isn't listening?

I have been working on doing the 'tough love' that is recommended by all the substance abuse counselors, alanon, therapists, etc.  They say to cut him off completely.  They say the bizarre behavoir is most likely all due to the addictions having taken over, he needs to hit rock bottom.  I am trying to believe this... .but can't shake the feeling that mental health is primary, and the addictions are a symptom/secondary.

When treating BPD with addictions, the addictions have to dealt with first. First of all alcohol and drugs are chemical, they have an effect on the way one would normally think. If one has disordered thinking already, attempting to treat that would be very difficult with the addition of mind/mood altering chemicals.

Therapists are great resources to have when we are struggling with a family member. Do you have an individual therapist just for you with everything you've been up against?

I am afraid that my 'tough love' may be the wrong thing to do here- but I also have to protect myself, etc.  

It is a fact that a pwBPD has a better chance of success from treatment while having the support of family. However, that person must accept they have BPD/PD and want the treatment because they recognize there is an issue.

It's good you recognize your safety is important. Have you ever heard the phrase "put the oxygen mask on yourself first?" There are some very good links at the top and to the right of your screen called Choosing a Path---->

These will be very helpful to you in your current situation.

Are you and your husband still living separately?

[maxen]

hi bravo5 and

i'm really sorry for the situation you're in. being in a relationship with a person with BPD can be persistently stressful. and i'm glad you've found our site. you will find an active community of posters here who have seen the behavior and will be ready to listen.

I don't want to be someone who just reads stuff online and then thinks I can diagnose

your h's patterns do sound characteristic of BPD. however, nobody here can diagnose, and we have resources geared towards developing methods of coping with behaviors. we have a page on Boundaries that may be of interest: BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence. it offers an approach that is not as severe as complete cut-off.

but can't shake the feeling that mental health is primary, and the addictions are a symptom/secondary

this is surely correct. my exw has a drinking problem; she even called herself "maybe alcoholic." i understand this, along with her eating, driving, and spending problems, as expressive of the emotional desperation many pwBPD feel. however, as Suzn said and as my psychiatrist said, you have to address the addictions before you can address any underlying psychological problem. the alcohol "makes everything else more difficult", as my P said.

do you have friends or family who know what's up? please keep posting bravo5!

[cosmonaut]

Hi bravo5,



I'm so sorry to hear about the struggles you are currently experiencing in your marriage, bravo5.  I think all of us here can relate to how confused and hurt you must be feeling.  Relationships with a BPD partner can be extremely difficult at times and even heartbreaking - especially if we are watching our partner struggle with self-destructive behaviors such as addiction.  I'm sorry that you are going through this.  Please know that you are not alone, and that we are all here to support you.  We understand how difficult and painful this time can be.

One of the things that you may want to consider is the advice that you are being given to use "tough love".  I suspect that your feelings are correct that this is not the best course of action.  While boundaries are important, pwBPD have special needs in relationships.  One of the things I would highly recommend is to take some time looking through the tools on the Staying board.  These are the tools that are essential to giving our relationship the best possible footing.  Being in a relationship with a BPD partner requires that we make some changes to how we would normally approach a relationship.  These are not intuitive and they require practice.  The members on the Staying board would be happy to help you with this.  One of the most important tools we can use is validation.  Validation is the acknowledgement and acceptance of our partner's feelings.  Note that this is not acceptance of behavior, but of feelings.  This often has a tremendously soothing effect on pwBPD and is a wonderful way to build trust and understanding, as well as to help to diffuse emotions when our partner is triggered.  I would suggest giving these tools a try in your relationship.

Here you will not feel so lost as you will find that many here are feeling that way. He is your husband, so that means you are of one flesh, according to the Word of God. I know the attack on the family is so strong aways has been, but even more so these days. I pray you can stay strong, even read Psalms 91 and let peace come in. If he hits rock bottom, I guess that works for some, I don't know, but I believe when you love someone, you don't leave, never never leave.

I am also a Christian with deep convictions about marriage.  I think we need to be careful about the use of the word never, however.  Marriage is indeed for life, but there are Biblical reasons for a marriage to be dissolved.  One is infidelity (Matthew 19:9).  This is the most clear cut that Jesus spoke of, but there are other mentions in the Bible where divorce is permitted.

"Husbands, love your wives, and do not be harsh with them." Colossians 3:19

"But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace." 1 Corinthians 7:15

"But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people."  2 Timothy 3:1-5

Many Churches accept that abuse, even emotional abuse, is Biblical grounds to dissolve a marriage without sin.  I am not a theologian, but this is my belief.  It is something that we can all discuss with our priest or pastor and we are also free to discuss it on the boards here so long as we mark the topic with (Christian topic).  Other faiths are equally permitted to be discussed too, so long as they are also marked.

I do agree that it is best to try and save a marriage, and it is what God has intended us to do, but there are cases in which one spouse has tried everything they can do, and there is no hope of stopping the abuse or infidelity.  In these situations divorce is not only permitted, but may be the best course of action.  bravo5, keep praying that God will show you the way.  He hears and responds to all prayers.  Talk things over with your clergy.  God knows what is best for you.

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'"  Jeremiah 29:11

[Turkish]

Hi, I am not sure where to start.  My husband has been spiraling out of control with multiple addictions and even when sober, bizarre behavior.  He's been in and out of inpatient/outpatient rehab since the fall, and keeps getting worse.  A few weeks ago, I held my boundary and asked him to move out for my safety, since he is not in treatment or in recovery.  

Hello bravo5,

I'm glad you were strong to assert your boundary to stay safe. If you didn't feel safe, then you likely weren't. Ignoring intuition can result in becoming a victim. How safe are you now, however? Do you have loved ones or friends who can support you or keep an eye on things? We have a pamphlet which helps members determine their situations. Perhaps you can take a look:

Safety First

I know we're throwing a lot of information out here, but please keep us updated.

Turkish

[bravo5]

Thank you all so much for your replies.  I am kind of blown away- and I realize I have a lot to learn here! And I feel like God led me to this site- I don't even recall mentioning I was a Christian.    Be patient with me as I go through responses and digest and respond.

Right up front- thank you so much for the concerns for safety- so important.  I am indeed concerned for my physical safety when my husband is drinking, as he has been violent when drunk, so I long ago set a boundary that I will not be around him when he is.  I worry for his own safety when he is drunk, but I turn that over to God.  When he gets angry when he is sober, I will often times walk away as well- for ex. leave the house and go for a walk- not so much for safety concerns, but because I know there is no reasoning with him when he is like that, and I will just get more upset and angry myself.

As far as the marriage- he is struggling with multiple addictions along with substance abuse, sexual addiction, food (binge eating), exercise (which by itself would be okay, but he takes it to extremes), impulsive spending, and others.  So there has been infidelity, which is Biblical grounds for divorce.  However, I pray and seek God's guidance, and I don't feel a clear decision at this time, which for me means I am waiting on God's direction- which is not easy.

[an0ught]

Hi bravo5,

As far as the marriage- he is struggling with multiple addictions along with substance abuse, sexual addiction, food (binge eating), exercise (which by itself would be okay, but he takes it to extremes), impulsive spending, and others.  So there has been infidelity, which is Biblical grounds for divorce.  However, I pray and seek God's guidance, and I don't feel a clear decision at this time, which for me means I am waiting on God's direction- which is not easy.

as you feel right now is not the best time to make a decision I move your thread to the Staying Board which tends to be less big decision making and more problem solving and supporting oriented.

Looking the spectrum of behavior you describe it seems like he is mighty struggling and leans on any dysfunctional coping mechanism there is in the book. This is certainly tough to watch up close when you love that person  .

When it comes to dealing with pwBPD details can matter a lot - how exactly we interact and communicate - workshops on validation and SET are good starting points. As he seems so much out of control it is important to protect yourself from his actions and expose him to the consequences of what he does. The boundary framework can be quite helpful here - these decisions are not easy to make and to implement and it is important that they are grounded in your values. Check out also the the workshops in the LESSONS at the top of the Staying Board.

,

a0

[vortex of confusion]

Hi bravo5!

Everyone here has referred you to some great tools and information.

I wanted to offer you some words of support. My husband is a sex addict and is solid in recovery at the moment. I say at the moment because he went for 10 years without acting out. After his dad passed away and he was diagnosed with diabetes, things blew up.

Everything that I have read has said to give it at least a year before making any kind of decisions. Also, something to keep in mind is that YOU need to be in recovery too. You have been through a lot. What kind of support do you have for you? Living with somebody with all of that stuff going on takes a toll on a person. One of the things that everybody has told me is to focus on taking care of myself. When living with somebody that has problems, it becomes way too easy to get hyper-focused on helping them and supporting them. What are you doing to take care of YOU?

Do you have any kids with your husband? I ask because I recently reached out to talk to somebody about my situation and was reported to children's protective services. That is another consideration if you have children together.

One of the wonderful things about this site is that if you post on the Staying Board, you will not be judged or ignored when you say that you want to find a way to stay with your spouse.