Should have known the friendship thing wouldn't work

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

As many of you predicted, my attempt to establish a friendship with my Ex was an exercise in futility. I thought we could have been great friends since our relationship, although intense and romantic, was never consummated. After 4 weeks of n/c, my ex contacted me by email to tell me how heartbroken she was over not having me in her life anymore. The message was loaded with all kinds of pleas for me to help her get over me and despite having lots of other men in her life, I was the only one she wanted. So I, being the rescuer type, thought that an offer of friendship might ease her pain and salvage for both of us a lasting albeit platonic relationship out of the ruins of our failed romance. I wrote her a very sympathetic message that told her how much I'd like to remain friends and stay in communication, but that the days of writing each other 80 text messages per day had to end. I established some really obvious boundaries but I thought I was very sweet in my message to her. Given that I had just maintained complete no contact for 4 weeks, she should have been very surprised by how much of myself I was willing to give back to her to help her get over the pain of the break up. Her reply to me was a disappointment: a long one sided message about all the things she's been doing since the break up and how I have changed and that she didn't feel like she knew me anymore but thanks for the offer of friendship because that will just help her forget me that much faster, and that she'll write me now and then but she'll surely get bored with "writing to a machine."  Remember that "writing to a machine" is almost all our relationship ever knew. In other words, passive aggressive but also very bizarre when compared to the previous email sent only hours before in which she made it sound like she was going to die of a broken heart. Trying to meet her half way is futile; it only serves to dredge up all that pain and frustration I suffered with before the breakup and she doesn't seem any better for it either. Since receiving her attempt at "reciprocating" my offer of friendship, I've maintained no contact for almost a week and don't intend to initiate contact. There's just no point.  I'm sure another cycle of emails like the ones I got last week are in my future and I'll process them with the skepticism they deserve.

[Dunder]

As many of you predicted, my attempt to establish a friendship with my Ex was an exercise in futility. I thought we could have been great friends since our relationship, although intense and romantic, was never consummated. After 4 weeks of n/c, my ex contacted me by email to tell me how heartbroken she was over not having me in her life anymore. The message was loaded with all kinds of pleas for me to help her get over me and despite having lots of other men in her life, I was the only one she wanted. So I, being the rescuer type, thought that an offer of friendship might ease her pain and salvage for both of us a lasting albeit platonic relationship out of the ruins of our failed romance. I wrote her a very sympathetic message that told her how much I'd like to remain friends and stay in communication, but that the days of writing each other 80 text messages per day had to end. I established some really obvious boundaries but I thought I was very sweet in my message to her. Given that I had just maintained complete no contact for 4 weeks, she should have been very surprised by how much of myself I was willing to give back to her to help her get over the pain of the break up. Her reply to me was a disappointment: a long one sided message about all the things she's been doing since the break up and how I have changed and that she didn't feel like she knew me anymore but thanks for the offer of friendship because that will just help her forget me that much faster, and that she'll write me now and then but she'll surely get bored with "writing to a machine."  Remember that "writing to a machine" is almost all our relationship ever knew. In other words, passive aggressive but also very bizarre when compared to the previous email sent only hours before in which she made it sound like she was going to die of a broken heart. Trying to meet her half way is futile; it only serves to dredge up all that pain and frustration I suffered with before the breakup and she doesn't seem any better for it either. Since receiving her attempt at "reciprocating" my offer of friendship, I've maintained no contact for almost a week and don't intend to initiate contact. There's just no point.  I'm sure another cycle of emails like the ones I got last week are in my future and I'll process them with the skepticism they deserve.

[WhataDisaster11]

Ignore her. It's not possible to ever have any type of relationship with her again as she is incapable of doing so. You deserve better.

[LonelyChild]

I agree with the above poster. pwBPDs are incapable of friendship because there is no reciprocity. My uBPDxgf's "friends" were all men that she seduced. The only way she could get them to stay around her was to give them the feeling that maybe they would get sex from her. Otherwise they just abandoned her for being a lousy "friend."

Also. If your ex was not honest to you while you were in a r/s, why would she be honest now?

[bunnyrabit]

The only way she could get them to stay around her was to give them the feeling that maybe they would get sex from her.

What's ironic though is that that is exactly what's keeping me away from my ex. I'm sure that, unless she'd have a new boyfriend, she'd come on to me at some point. As it stands I have zero interest in going down that road again and God only knows what would happen if would turn down her advances. No sir, I'm taking the easy way out and stay strict NC.

[LeonVa]

Agree with everyone above.  You deserve better than this, and surely, not a sloppy second, third or fourth of anybody.  The girl has issues, no one wants her at the end.  You dumped her for a reason, DO NOT "take her back", NC all the way.

[ziniztar]

I tried also, with dBPDxbf. It worked seemingly fine - he kept pulling moderately. All of a sudden saying he missed me and wanted to see me. We met up a few times, he always tried to seduce me again, tried to kiss me, get me into bed.

That all stopped when I told him I have a new bf (6 months after our break-up, mind you he cheated). Short text messages. Pushing me away, making hurtful comments, ignoring real efforts on my side to show interest and build a friendship.

So I told him I don't like that anymore (trust me, surrounding yourself with normal people helps setting the right standard again). Told him I'm not going to put the effort in if he doesn't. He disregarded me again, another neglectful answer. I didn't reply. And he blocked me now.

I honestly believe he doesn't know how to build something real.

[fromheeltoheal]

So here's an opportunity Dunder, to look at why you wanted a 'friendship' with her.  It's really a good opportunity now since you're feeling the pain of the latest snub, so you can use that to dig; what is the real reason you wanted to maintain some kind of relationship with her?

[Irish Pride]

So here's an opportunity Dunder, to look at why you wanted a 'friendship' with her.  It's really a good opportunity now since you're feeling the pain of the latest snub, so you can use that to dig; what is the real reason you wanted to maintain some kind of relationship with her?

THIS!

[Dunder]

So here's an opportunity Dunder, to look at why you wanted a 'friendship' with her.  It's really a good opportunity now since you're feeling the pain of the latest snub, so you can use that to dig; what is the real reason you wanted to maintain some kind of relationship with her?

THIS!

I felt guilty for leaving her. I wanted her to feel better but I didn't really want a friendship with her. I just feel like I'm abandoning her.

[Conundrum]

I agree with the above poster. pwBPDs are incapable of friendship because there is no reciprocity.

PwBPD are capable of reciprocating, yet when untreated they often reciprocate in a manner appearing unstable to the non. PwBPD function better with external prompts allowing them to be mindful. DBT employs functional relational tools to assist with aspects that they struggle with--such as reciprocity. Have you ever noticed that PwBPD, when they attempt to rein in dysregulated personality traits, often will compose, fixate and rely on organizational lists to a much greater degree than most nons (IMO). We can shame PwBPD for requiring prompts from the non regarding relational reciprocity, bc it makes them appear disingenuous--yet with clear perception we can acknowledge that though they are wired differently--they still possess the same humanity as either you or I.                    

[myself]

Wired differently? Yes.

Humanity? Yes.

Able to reciprocate as friends? Not usually.