Want a hug

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm so darn lonely right now. After work tonight I took myself out to dinner and a movie. I didn't mind the movie part alone but eating dinner by myself felt horrible. I don't like to drink right now because then I become a blubbering mess.

I haven't seen my kids since Thursday and next time I see them will be Tuesday.

I know I shouldn't feel this way right now but I'd give anything to go back to the weekend before we broke up, relive that weekend. I want a hug so badly from her. I want to hear her say my full name again, I want her head on my chest as we watch Netflix together, and then as we lay in bed she woukd spoon me and then she woukd say "baby will you hold me?"

Instead some other man is with her and I'm bawling my eyes out right now while he's holding her, staring at her beautiful face and holding her tight. He's not getting the crazy right now he's getting all the good stuff.

I feel like I'll never be better. I feel like it will always be just me waiting to see my kids again and barely holding on. I know I not worthless. I loved her the best I could. She abandoned me when I needed her the most. I hate myself for even still being attached in some way.

She won't ever call again. In her eyes my kids that she lived and myself are like people that didn't even exist.

Maybe I just need to accept that I'm broken. Accept the unfairness of life that it is so easy for her to find another man that she doesn't have to go thru the soul crushing pain I'm in. She can just take this man back to the apartment we shared as if I never was a part of her life.

I just can't take this hurt anymore. I wish I never met her

[confusedinWI]

I'm so darn lonely right now. After work tonight I took myself out to dinner and a movie. I didn't mind the movie part alone but eating dinner by myself felt horrible. I don't like to drink right now because then I become a blubbering mess.

I haven't seen my kids since Thursday and next time I see them will be Tuesday.

I know I shouldn't feel this way right now but I'd give anything to go back to the weekend before we broke up, relive that weekend. I want a hug so badly from her. I want to hear her say my full name again, I want her head on my chest as we watch Netflix together, and then as we lay in bed she woukd spoon me and then she woukd say "baby will you hold me?"

Instead some other man is with her and I'm bawling my eyes out right now while he's holding her, staring at her beautiful face and holding her tight. He's not getting the crazy right now he's getting all the good stuff.

I feel like I'll never be better. I feel like it will always be just me waiting to see my kids again and barely holding on. I know I not worthless. I loved her the best I could. She abandoned me when I needed her the most. I hate myself for even still being attached in some way.

She won't ever call again. In her eyes my kids that she lived and myself are like people that didn't even exist.

Maybe I just need to accept that I'm broken. Accept the unfairness of life that it is so easy for her to find another man that she doesn't have to go thru the soul crushing pain I'm in. She can just take this man back to the apartment we shared as if I never was a part of her life.

I just can't take this hurt anymore. I wish I never met her

[DyingLove]

Damn that is sad.  I think many people here are going to feel your hurt after reading this.  I feel your hurt, and I feel my hurt.  If we could stop looking at them as the beautiful women they are and more the people that have hurt us, I think it would be easier to detach.  But that's asking for a miracle right?  You gotta stop thinking of all the "juicy" stuff, because it's keeping you hooked (me too). Try listening to some inspirational stuff on youtube, Wayne Dyer, Trent Shelton, and others that are there for our needs. Even Joel Osteen and his sermons are very good.  Listen to  positive stuff over and over and over.  It gets better, but time varies for us all.  We'll be here for ya.    

PS-  I'm lonely too.   :'(

[Irish Pride]

Gentlemen, it hurts my heart to see you guys like this. Just please know, you're NOT alone. We're here, we know, we empathise.

WI, I truly wish there was something magical I could do, or say, to take it away. The best I can offer is to keep moving forward, perhaps seek counseling, and keep posting here. We all have our ok days and downright miserable ones. Perhaps what you seek isn't in anything she can give you, but something YOU have to give to yourself. I just found that out, myself, recently.

It WILL pass. You know what? Being broken isn't the worst thing. Broken things can be fixed... .can be mended. I'm broken.

Things that are lost, on the other hand, sometimes NEVER get found, or even looked for. Time to focus on the things you CAN control and let go of the things you can't. Chin up, WI.

[Infared]

Confused... .I too had to deal with exactly the same situation except in my case she ran off out of our home (to new person, denying that there was another man), 2weeks before Christmas... .leaving me packing her belongings, feeding her cats and putting up a Christmas tree by myself.

The amount of emotional pain that I suffered at time just felt overwhelming. I truly do understand what you are going through and how you feel. It's worse than grieving a death of a loved one because it is a choice for the person to abandon you... .

What I did was get a T, a self help group and surrounded myself with as much support as  I possibly could.  It certainly did not take the pain away but it got me away from my head as much as I could. We were/are grieving a catastrophic loss in our lives and we need positive input, exercise and healthy food and activities.  I wish that I could take your pain from you, but I can't ... .but please know that you are in a good place coming here and that many of us identify with what you are going through and will lend support as best we can... .keep talking and venting it out brother... .

[LonelyChild]

Maybe I just need to accept that I'm broken. Accept the unfairness of life that it is so easy for her to find another man that she doesn't have to go thru the soul crushing pain I'm in. She can just take this man back to the apartment we shared as if I never was a part of her life.

You were never a part of her life. Just as he will never be. The only thing pwBPD attach to is getting their needs and wants satisfied. Not other people. I hope you feel better soon. It's not your fault.

[Mel1968]

Oh confusedinWI, I'm so sorry you're feeling like this. Sending you the biggest virtual hug and lots of strength... .I know it in no way compensates for the real thing, but like the others have said,  I 've found that being on here, knowing that others understand and feel your pain, and are there for you is hugely comforting- I hope that you can find some comfort that way too.

Take care  

[FannyB]

Confused

You are just taking a strategic timeout to conduct running repairs. You will emerge a better, stronger man with more knowledge to impart to your children that will keep them from (hopefully) replicating your mistakes. However much these vixens get under our skin, they are not as important to us as our children are. Focus on those that give you unconditional love - rather than ruminating over a woman who gave you the illusion of it.    She is not the keeper of your future happiness mate - you are!

[confusedinWI]

Thank you all for your kind words. I feel a bit better this morning. Ive had time to reflect and i see how much myself, and my children at the end, had to compromise and give to her and she just took and took. I also realize she wasnt healthy. Her drinking issues, rage outbursts, my children hearing her verbally abuse me, having to walk on eggshells around her. I meam what normal person threatens suicide then two weeks later is starting another relationship?  Not one that could honestly love me.

She came along when I was six months after my divorce. Im not ugly by any means and is is in the same attractive level as me but I felt ugly. I had fake confidence and my marriage lacked affection towards the end.

This is all stuff my ex gf provided for me. She built me up, said she felt lucky because I was the most attractive man she ever dated. Heck her relatives and coworkers told me the same thing.

Once she got me hooked I was hers.

I struggle with my confidence and self esteem and I know I have cod issues.  I wonder in a normal relationship will I be able to feel that my partner finds me so handsome and really likes what I do.

Its a stupid worry and maybe one thst is setting me back. Unlike others here she never withheld sex from me. We had the same drive and that was there up to the end. Again different from my marriage. I know I stayed longer ptobably because of it.

Im an affectionate person and she fed into that.  I want that in a healthy relationship but I also want the stability and true intimacy. I dont want to feel one week I can express feelings and the next week I can't.  The things she loved about me at first my being able to express mu emotions she seemed to be bothered by at the end.

Im trying to really accept that it is the illness and her replacing me so quickly is not on me. At least she downgraded with this guy. He has no idea the level of her craziness to come.

Its the highs we get addicted to and the lows that almost destroy us. I just wanted normalcy. I wanted her to give to ke on the level I gave to her.  I did love this woman and I prayed that we wouldve made it but ik seeing how much better off I am now.

I just want the thoughts of what she's doing wjth him, does he make her happier than me. I want to control those better.

Damn I just wanted me and my children to be missed

[DyingLove]

Maybe I just need to accept that I'm broken. Accept the unfairness of life that it is so easy for her to find another man that she doesn't have to go thru the soul crushing pain I'm in. She can just take this man back to the apartment we shared as if I never was a part of her life.

You were never a part of her life. Just as he will never be. The only thing pwBPD attach to is getting their needs and wants satisfied. Not other people. I hope you feel better soon. It's not your fault.

LonelyChild, I'm gonna take your words here for my own too if you don't mind.  I wanna believe it's not my fault, and I didn't see it coming.  I still love her and I'm not sure whose fault that is if it even is a fault. But it happened.

At the end, I could see how she needed her wants and needs fulfilled.  Such a cold individual. Ice.  Thank you.

Thanks to everyone, because when you write to one, you write to all!

[Olivia_D]

Mine would lay next to me in bed and get weepy and say "this just feels so right."  It felt sincere.  Then, he would shift to treating me as-if I was a complete stranger.  How do you go from "you are my soft spot, my one vulnerability in this world," "I have never felt this safe with another human being," "you are the truest I have ever known," to "I can easily delete people from my life," "I can't trust people," "I am undecided whether you are heaven or hell?"  Then, after all that send me songs like ":)on't Worry Baby" by the Beach Boys.  It hurts very badly to go from cuddled up to disappearing.  I cannot fathom being so careless with someone's heart.  Unfortunately, that pattern will repeat itself and I am left wondering how he got so good as "easily deleting people from his life."  Probably practice.  Just know that it has nothing to do with you. Watching them idealize someone while you are devalued and discarded is brutal.  But, their cycle has nothing to do with our value or lovability. When you are unaware of what you are dealing with you are a victim, but when you are aware of their cycle and choose to engage with them again you become a volunteer for further abuse.  I have to remind myself that the long-term effects of being with someone with BPD can caused significant psychological harm and, so, I will have to endure the short term pain of releasing this from my life.  I didn't want to do it but I needed to do it as it was not sustainable and not healthy for me.  The r/s tore me down rather quickly as it revived childhood issues so the gradual recovery will likely take far longer than the relationship itself.  I just can't remain focused on the "good parts" that were presented in the beginning as it is similar to a politician that makes all sorts of campaign promises that never come to fruition when they take office.  

Just try to stay the course.  Find some good friends to grab a hug.  Go get a massage (if you can) for some physical pampering.  It will get easier by the day.  Some days will be better than others but it does gradually improve.  

[confusedinWI]

Olivia,

I'm sorry you went thru the same pain although it seems that many people have experienced it and my heartbreaks at all of it.

Right now at this moment it's rough because I'm having so many triggers of good memories, times out together, times spent in. I am more of a homebody and I sppreciated she was although could've been mirroring me.

What gets me thru is that lots of those memories were here and I and not her, me and my children.

I've wondered if detaching from her woukd be easier if she hadn't replaced me so quickly with someone else. That's a hurt that only us can understand.

Also I hate that I still remember what her and my routines were even though I've not been with her for three months.

Who knows though maybe those routines had to get drastically altered by her to get rid of remnants of me since I was so disposable to her.

I sometimes feel bitter that she didn't deserve my love, but I don't want that. She did deserve it she just didn't know how to reciprocate the love back.

She made bad decisions that hurt me and my children, she really spiraled out the last few months and amped up her emotional abuse.

Was she a monster? No she wasn't. She was/is a wounded child that was afraid of being left. I used to wonder why she woukd get so upset when I woukd come home late from work, or if I was running late from somewhere else. It's because being late or having to cancel an appointment triggers their abandonment fears. I would text her if I were to be late but it woukd still trigger.

I know I was patient, kind, compassionate, silly, goofy and a million other adjectives towards her. I know that new man will probably have qualities I didn't but I also know I lived her in ways that no one else will. I don't need her to recognize that because I know it.

I'm sad that I won't see our future plan and dreams come true but the price of admission for that fairytale movie is more than I'm willing to pay.

There will be no sequels, I have to just do my best to focus on me and the kids.

She had the love lottery ticket in her hand she just was afraid to cash it in :'( :'( :'( :'(