OOPS, had sex with the ol' BPD ex last night

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Yeah its one of those.  I was drinking last night and she'd been texting me that day once again about stupid nonsense.  My friends egged me on so I texted her if she wanted to see me then she should come over but if we aren't hooking up don't waste my time.  She said she'd be over in 20 minutes.

Thankfully I uses protection and this morning I had to sneak out and leave a note saying I had work but it was a bad situation because I had to leave that fruitcake in my house on her own.

Thankfully it's not undone any of my emotional recovery, it was what it was.  

Just be careful on the booze especially if they are circling, you can do something very stupid.

[Infern0]

Yeah its one of those.  I was drinking last night and she'd been texting me that day once again about stupid nonsense.  My friends egged me on so I texted her if she wanted to see me then she should come over but if we aren't hooking up don't waste my time.  She said she'd be over in 20 minutes.

Thankfully I uses protection and this morning I had to sneak out and leave a note saying I had work but it was a bad situation because I had to leave that fruitcake in my house on her own.

Thankfully it's not undone any of my emotional recovery, it was what it was.  

Just be careful on the booze especially if they are circling, you can do something very stupid.

[Trog]

'Thankfully it's not undone any of my emotional recovery, it was what it was'

Wanna bet?

I get the drunk dial and pick up, I had to get rid of my exes numbers after my last phone blow out. But aside from your emotional safety... .What about hers? I don't think any good will come from that Infern0

[DreamerGirl]

Infern0 do not beat yourself up over this.  It's amazing how alcohol can lower our defenses and contribute to making bad decisions, but it is what it is.

I hope you stay strong and live without regret.

[Reforming]

Hi Infer0

Yeah its one of those.  I was drinking last night and she'd been texting me that day once again about stupid nonsense.  My friends egged me on so I texted her if she wanted to see me then she should come over but if we aren't hooking up don't waste my time.  She said she'd be over in 20 minutes.

I understand that the temptation to reengage can be very strong, we've all felt that and many of us have succumbed. I agree that mixing that with a few beers can be a dangerous combination that leave us more vulnerable to our impulses.

It does sound like a potentially tricky situation. How do you think you'll proceed?

If it was me I'd be worried that instigating sex with my ex would either tell her that I wanted to resume our relationship or that I was trying to prove something to her or myself.

She might very naturally conclude that you're still attached or invested. It could certainly send a confusing message to someone who is already very confused and vulnerable

"Thankfully I uses protection and this morning I had to sneak out and leave a note saying I had work but it was a bad situation because I had to leave that fruitcake in my house on her own."

Thankfully it's not undone any of my emotional recovery, it was what it was."

Well done for using protection, for both your sakes. How are you feeling?

I found that as long as I was still emotionally involved any intimacy with my ex disrupted my healing, but that's just my experience.

I found detaching really difficult, but I'm glad you think this hasn't disrupted your healing.

How do you think it will effect her?

If I was in her shoes I would probably feel hurt and discarded. I can't imagine how I would feel if I was disordered and had a terrible fear of abandonment.

I really hope you're both ok and that your healing continues

Reforming

[Infared]

I am confused? Are you bragging, or looking for support for this selfish, immature behavior? 

[going places]

I am confused? Are you bragging, or looking for support for this selfish, immature behavior? 

Phew... .glad to see I am not the only one who felt this way.

That was an awful thing to do to her.

[Infern0]

I am confused? Are you bragging, or looking for support for this selfish, immature behavior? 

Phew... .glad to see I am not the only one who felt this way.

That was an awful thing to do to her.

I am blaming the alcohol, I'd had about 35 days of NC and had been resisting her attempts at contact.

The whole reason I finished with her was because of her game playing etc. I wasn't thinking last night but when I woke up this morning the first thing on my mind is if I let my guard down she's going to start the games again so I got myself out of there.

I don't remember much of what happened but it's a bad move.

I'm not bragging but I'm telling people to be careful of the situations they can get themselves into. If my language seems less than savory, I don't have any emotional connection to her anymore. I'd be open to continued contact with her if she'd get therapy but that's not going to happen so it isn't a good idea.

[going places]

I am blaming the alcohol, I'd had about 35 days of NC and had been resisting her attempts at contact.

The whole reason I finished with her was because of her game playing etc. I wasn't thinking last night but when I woke up this morning the first thing on my mind is if I let my guard down she's going to start the games again so I got myself out of there.

I don't remember much of what happened but it's a bad move.

I'm not bragging but I'm telling people to be careful of the situations they can get themselves into. If my language seems less than savory, I don't have any emotional connection to her anymore. I'd be open to continued contact with her if she'd get therapy but that's not going to happen so it isn't a good idea.

There's another thread about 'words'... .

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=276581.0

Actions, always speak louder.

I cannot image how she could / does feel.

Used? Cheap? Dirty?

Hopeful? Reading more into this encounter than what it was? (A booty call)

Alcohol would never cross my lips again, if I could not responsibly conduct myself... .

I cannot imagine wanting to have sex so bad I chose someone I considered "ol BPD, ex, fruitcake, stupid nonsense, game player, bad move, NO EMOTIONAL connection too".

Your words, and your actions, do not match.

[Fr4nz]

I am confused? Are you bragging, or looking for support for this selfish, immature behavior?  

Phew... .glad to see I am not the only one who felt this way.

That was an awful thing to do to her.

I am blaming the alcohol, I'd had about 35 days of NC and had been resisting her attempts at contact.

The whole reason I finished with her was because of her game playing etc. I wasn't thinking last night but when I woke up this morning the first thing on my mind is if I let my guard down she's going to start the games again so I got myself out of there.

I don't remember much of what happened but it's a bad move.

I'm not bragging but I'm telling people to be careful of the situations they can get themselves into. If my language seems less than savory, I don't have any emotional connection to her anymore. I'd be open to continued contact with her if she'd get therapy but that's not going to happen so it isn't a good idea.

Just a question: what would you think if your BPDex did the same thing to you?  

Probably we'd be here conforting you and trying to explain her odd behaviour... .

PS: I'm not judging you at all! On the contrary, it could happen to me as well

[FannyB]

This is a tricky one. Wouldn't want to go there again with my ex, but if indifference is the opposite of love - hasn't Inferno just demonstrated that? Also, whilst his motivation wasn't revenge, isn't there a hint of karma in this if she's the one left hurting this time? 

[going places]

No, that's not Karma... .

Two wrongs never make a right.

At the end of the day, she is a human being... .

If you don't want to get stung, then don't kick a hornets nest.

And again, makes one wonder how much truth has been spoken (as we only get one side of the relationship) in light of the OP's actions?

[fromheeltoheal]

Then again, she came to him voluntarily and had sex with someone who was so drunk he doesn't remember it all.  Maybe this event can be used as confirmation there isn't much health in that relationship in either direction, might be better to continue moving on without each other, yes?

[FannyB]

No, that's not Karma... .

Two wrongs never make a right.

Not sure what the 'wrong' was here? Sex between two consenting adults, not initiated on the basis of a false promise?  Just because pwBPD behave differently to us, it doesn't mean that we are saints by comparison - or that we have to be.

[EaglesJuju]

Hi Infern0,

What are you going to do if she contacts you today?

[Trog]

This is a tricky one. Wouldn't want to go there again with my ex, but if indifference is the opposite of love - hasn't Inferno just demonstrated that? Also, whilst his motivation wasn't revenge, isn't there a hint of karma in this if she's the one left hurting this time? 

How on earth can you be indifferent to someone and sleep with them? Eap someone with that much history. I think what we are aiming for here is 0 people hurting

[Infared]

 Wait... .wait... .wait... .YOU got drunk, YOU sport f'ed her, YOU refer to her as a fruitcake (that is name-calling someone you "are" in a relationship with)... .and YOU ran out of your own place to get away from a situation YOU engineered.

... .and YOU are "blaming" alcohol.  

WOW!  ... .just... .WOW! 

[FannyB]

How on earth can you be indifferent to someone and sleep with them? Eap someone with that much history. I think what we are aiming for here is 0 people hurting

Trog

Forgive me - I thought this was primarily a 'nons' forum. PwBPD can find plenty of support and advice on other message boards. This woman meant the world to Inferno, now he can have sex with her without feeling any emotional attachment to her. That's indifference in my book. As I said earlier, I wouldn't have done it, but that doesn't necessarily make me a better man than him. 

[Trog]

How on earth can you be indifferent to someone and sleep with them? Eap someone with that much history. I think what we are aiming for here is 0 people hurting

Trog

Forgive me - I thought this was primarily a 'nons' forum. PwBPD can find plenty of support and advice on other message boards. This woman meant the world to Inferno, now he can have sex with her without feeling any emotional attachment to her. That's indifference in my book. As I said earlier, I wouldn't have done it, but that doesn't necessarily make me a better man than him. 

You were justifying spreading pain around as karma. Yes we are Nons and as Nons we are on a forum discussion poor BPD behaviours not supporting bad behaviour towards those with BPd or any mental illness. Im not saying I'm a better person than Inferno either but what he did was bad milkshake and I won't support it as I don't believe it didn't hurt him or his ex.

[fromheeltoheal]

How on earth can you be indifferent to someone and sleep with them? Eap someone with that much history. I think what we are aiming for here is 0 people hurting

Trog

Forgive me - I thought this was primarily a 'nons' forum. PwBPD can find plenty of support and advice on other message boards. This woman meant the world to Inferno, now he can have sex with her without feeling any emotional attachment to her. That's indifference in my book. As I said earlier, I wouldn't have done it, but that doesn't necessarily make me a better man than him. 

now he can have sex with her without feeling any emotional attachment to her.

When he's drunk.  That's easy.  But processing all of it with a hangover is another thing.  I look forward to Inferno's updates.

[Reforming]

Detaching and healing is a messy process.

I think most of us here have made mistakes along the way, but blaming or shaming ourselves or others doesn't help.

The important thing, I think, is to try and be accountable for our own choices and behaviour. I know that it isn't easy, especially when you feel very hurt and betrayed.

I've struggled with this on many occasions, and still do sometimes, but doing it has really helped me to understand myself better and move forward.

Reforming

[Infared]

How on earth can you be indifferent to someone and sleep with them? Eap someone with that much history. I think what we are aiming for here is 0 people hurting

Trog

Forgive me - I thought this was primarily a 'nons' forum. PwBPD can find plenty of support and advice on other message boards. This woman meant the world to Inferno, now he can have sex with her without feeling any emotional attachment to her. That's indifference in my book. As I said earlier, I wouldn't have done it, but that doesn't necessarily make me a better man than him. 

You were justifying spreading pain around as karma. Yes we are Nons and as Nons we are on a forum discussion poor BPD behaviours not supporting bad behaviour towards those with BPd or any mental illness. Im not saying I'm a better person than Inferno either but what he did was bad milkshake and I won't support it as I don't believe it didn't hurt him or his ex.

Thank you for stating that so eloquently, Trog.

[FannyB]

I think most of us here have made mistakes along the way, but blaming or shaming ourselves or others doesn't help.

My sentiments exactly Reforming. We are all different, and as such may legitimately make different choices in similar situations.  When we champion NC, we are oblivious to how the pwBPD might feel - it's all about our healing and survival. Similarly, it's not inconceivable that this little escapade might have helped Infern0 to process some conflicting feelings and emerge the stronger for it.

[Trog]

I think most of us here have made mistakes along the way, but blaming or shaming ourselves or others doesn't help.

My sentiments exactly Reforming. We are all different, and as such may legitimately make different choices in similar situations.  When we champion NC, we are oblivious to how the pwBPD might feel - it's all about our healing and survival. Similarly, it's not inconceivable that this little escapade might have helped Infern0 to process some conflicting feelings and emerge the stronger for it.

There's a difference between going NC for your own survival and seeking someone out, sleeping with them and running out the next morning. That's not a survival instinct! It's bad milkshake.

It may sound like I am damning Inferno, im not, I get it, ive been weak a thousand times but I don't need to be encouraged in that.

Let's leave it there, I have no bone to pick with Inferno or yourself.

[myself]

Yeah its one of those.  I was drinking last night and she'd been texting me that day once again about stupid nonsense.  My friends egged me on so I texted her if she wanted to see me then she should come over but if we aren't hooking up don't waste my time.  She said she'd be over in 20 minutes.

Thankfully I uses protection and this morning I had to sneak out and leave a note saying I had work but it was a bad situation because I had to leave that fruitcake in my house on her own.

Thankfully it's not undone any of my emotional recovery, it was what it was.  

Just be careful on the booze especially if they are circling, you can do something very stupid.

Are they really good 'friends' if they egged you on to be with 'that fruitcake'?

You weren't too drunk to use 'protection', but still call this an 'OOPS'?

Why still get texts from her if you're done? Perhaps you're still hooked?

The other day you posted "Here's what you do to get them to come back... ."

Today it's "She was circling." So what's the real reason she came back?

It balances out though since it was a mutual use? Was it 'stupid', or 'needy'?

[FannyB]

Let's leave it there, I have no bone to pick with Inferno or yourself.

We'll just agree to differ then Trog. That's what healthy people do in conflict situations!   

[Reforming]

We've all come here to heal and to support each other through the process. I think one of the greatest strengths of this site is that other members can help us to see our own behaviour in a different light. We don't have to agree with everything they say, but it helps us grow.

There's been some really good posts on this thread and I think everyone here is trying to help and support Infern0 through his healing process.

Lets hope he's ok

Reforming

[blissful_camper]

Maybe we can all ask ourselves this question:

Why were (present tense if applicable) we attracted to someone who mistreated us, in place of being repelled by that behavior? 

[mitatsu]

Pics! or it didnt happen 

[myself]

Makes me wonder how many times this kind of thing was done with many of our exes, messing them up even more when it comes to attachments, self esteem, and trust. Doesn't seem like what you'd do to someone you really care about, especially knowing that they have serious issues with this stuff. None of this seems like a mistake. It sounds intentional, InfernO.

[Skip]

My friends egged me on so I texted her if she wanted to see me then she should come over but if we aren't hooking up don't waste my time.  

Just be careful on the booze especially if they are circling, you can do something very stupid.

I am blaming the alcohol, I'd had about 35 days of NC and had been resisting her attempts at contact.

Infern0, I would be remiss if I didn't call you on this.  You are blaming this on your friends, her, and alcohol.  We all do regretful stuff, but we need to "man up" and own it, right?  It's not about your friend, alcohol or her. We can't give each other this pass.

Thankfully I uses protection and this morning I had to sneak out and leave a note saying I had work but it was a bad situation because I had to leave that fruitcake in my house on her own.  

I wasn't thinking last night but when I woke up this morning the first thing on my mind is if I let my guard down she's going to start the games again so I got myself out of there.

If my language seems less than savory, I don't have any emotional connection to her anymore.

This morning she woke up in an empty bed, in you empty house, and knowing this was probably reported to your friend before she even opened her eyes.

You know her well, how did this likely go down?  Fear of rejection, shame, abandonment anxiety - all that BPD stuff - all that human stuff - how do you think it played out?

The whole reason I finished with her was because of her game playing etc.

Playing people breaks them - either way - we all know that.

We all do regretful things.  What I'm not seeing is regret. You seem to be good with this.

So lets get it out. That's why we're here.  It is what it is.  What are you really feeling today?