Reality Check, please

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Many of you know my story but I feel like I need a reality check from you all and from a lot of the new people posting here. I have been married for 16 years and have a beautiful 12 year old daughter. Last summer I met a woman in another country while traveling there for work. After 4 days I returned home and was immediately  bombarded with text messages and Facebook posts. She knew I was married, but she continued to write me at all hours of the day and night. The whole thing seemed strange but she's a very attractive woman, 14 years younger (I'm 50, she's 36) and very intelligent, and her excessive attention fed my ego and filled a lonely void in me. For 8 months we were in an intense long distance emotional relationship. With the exception of those first 4 days and a long weekend in March, the entire relationship consisted of text messages, FaceTime calls, and some emails. But mostly text messages, 20,000 in total.

But there were things that always left me feeling very uneasy, like I was flirting with emotional disaster. During the 8 months of communication, she would often talk about other guys, all her failed relationships. I know this may sound sexist, but she is 36 and is very physically attractive, but has never been married even though she claims she's always wanted to get married. I considered that a red flag (if that's sexist of me, go ahead and call me on it).  She always talked about her horrible relationship with her father going back to childhood. She had a terrible fear of abandonment and she needed to be in constant communication with me throughout the day, morning, noon and night. Nevertheless, she loved to talk about other guys she was interested in, about another married man who was pursuing her and who showered her with so much attention that she was considering being his lover. She sought my advice on how to approach other men. She would constantly drop hints that she wanted me and a couple of times openly fantasized about some day being with me. I started to fall very hard for her even though I knew the reality of our situation would never allow us to be together. My marriage is bad, but I could never leave my daughter.

I never knew what was said in jest and what was serious, what was a hint or a misunderstanding. My head was always spinning with self doubt and confusion. I felt like I had lost my ability to interpret another human being. I began to question my sanity. She would post lots of selfies of herself looking really sexy on Facebook and send me suggestive love poetry, but when I confronted her about her motivation for sending me such things, she would just brush them off as just quotes she liked. I asked her on several occasions what her expectations were for our relationship, but she always dodged these questions.

I now know that she was the textbook BPD waif, needy, often complaining of physical ailments, and victimized. This played into my rescuer personality; I was the made-to-order codependent, I played the role of her emotional and romantic savior, a perfect storm. By the end, I was a nervous wreck; couldn't eat, sleep, lost lots of weight, a stomach in constant knots, burning churning sensations in me, headaches, etc. It was a living hell. I tried on multiple occasions during those 8 months to end the relationship telling her it was inappropriate for me as a married man to carry on with her like this but she resisted these attempts and I lacked resolve. Until I finally came to my senses and ended it for good. I deleted my Facebook account and all other social media accounts and blocked her on FaceTime and my phone, but I left my email open. I went 28 days of NC before she wrote me an email pleading with me to explain why I left her. I have since answered two other emails. She keeps trying to hook me back in but so far I've resisted. I am very sad because I liked her very much as a person. She made me laugh and she taught me a lot of things about me and the world. But ultimately I realized with the help of a T that she is mentally ill, that she has BPD. I have no question in my mind; I have a diagnosed sibling, the signs are all there in plain sight. I was just so enthralled that I missed it. Even though the relationship never turned sexual (it almost did), I am still terribly messed up by the experience. At this point, I need to take that final step and block her in my email, but I can't seem to take that final step.

[Dunder]

Many of you know my story but I feel like I need a reality check from you all and from a lot of the new people posting here. I have been married for 16 years and have a beautiful 12 year old daughter. Last summer I met a woman in another country while traveling there for work. After 4 days I returned home and was immediately  bombarded with text messages and Facebook posts. She knew I was married, but she continued to write me at all hours of the day and night. The whole thing seemed strange but she's a very attractive woman, 14 years younger (I'm 50, she's 36) and very intelligent, and her excessive attention fed my ego and filled a lonely void in me. For 8 months we were in an intense long distance emotional relationship. With the exception of those first 4 days and a long weekend in March, the entire relationship consisted of text messages, FaceTime calls, and some emails. But mostly text messages, 20,000 in total.

But there were things that always left me feeling very uneasy, like I was flirting with emotional disaster. During the 8 months of communication, she would often talk about other guys, all her failed relationships. I know this may sound sexist, but she is 36 and is very physically attractive, but has never been married even though she claims she's always wanted to get married. I considered that a red flag (if that's sexist of me, go ahead and call me on it).  She always talked about her horrible relationship with her father going back to childhood. She had a terrible fear of abandonment and she needed to be in constant communication with me throughout the day, morning, noon and night. Nevertheless, she loved to talk about other guys she was interested in, about another married man who was pursuing her and who showered her with so much attention that she was considering being his lover. She sought my advice on how to approach other men. She would constantly drop hints that she wanted me and a couple of times openly fantasized about some day being with me. I started to fall very hard for her even though I knew the reality of our situation would never allow us to be together. My marriage is bad, but I could never leave my daughter.

I never knew what was said in jest and what was serious, what was a hint or a misunderstanding. My head was always spinning with self doubt and confusion. I felt like I had lost my ability to interpret another human being. I began to question my sanity. She would post lots of selfies of herself looking really sexy on Facebook and send me suggestive love poetry, but when I confronted her about her motivation for sending me such things, she would just brush them off as just quotes she liked. I asked her on several occasions what her expectations were for our relationship, but she always dodged these questions.

I now know that she was the textbook BPD waif, needy, often complaining of physical ailments, and victimized. This played into my rescuer personality; I was the made-to-order codependent, I played the role of her emotional and romantic savior, a perfect storm. By the end, I was a nervous wreck; couldn't eat, sleep, lost lots of weight, a stomach in constant knots, burning churning sensations in me, headaches, etc. It was a living hell. I tried on multiple occasions during those 8 months to end the relationship telling her it was inappropriate for me as a married man to carry on with her like this but she resisted these attempts and I lacked resolve. Until I finally came to my senses and ended it for good. I deleted my Facebook account and all other social media accounts and blocked her on FaceTime and my phone, but I left my email open. I went 28 days of NC before she wrote me an email pleading with me to explain why I left her. I have since answered two other emails. She keeps trying to hook me back in but so far I've resisted. I am very sad because I liked her very much as a person. She made me laugh and she taught me a lot of things about me and the world. But ultimately I realized with the help of a T that she is mentally ill, that she has BPD. I have no question in my mind; I have a diagnosed sibling, the signs are all there in plain sight. I was just so enthralled that I missed it. Even though the relationship never turned sexual (it almost did), I am still terribly messed up by the experience. At this point, I need to take that final step and block her in my email, but I can't seem to take that final step.

[going places]

Are you still married?

[Dunder]

Are you still married?

Yes, I am still married.

[Achaya]

The part of this that rings a bell for me is the way she would combine a seduction with a distancing move at the same time. You registered both and reported both in your post. Why would you want to put yourself in that push/pull dynamic? You are not available yourself, perhaps you are ambivalent about what is going on. The distance might work for you right now, but this woman is teasing you into chasing her and you want to take the bait. Temptation to enter an affair usually means that your marriage is in trouble, at least in my experience. Maybe you should focus on that and decide what to do about that first.

[dagwoodbowser]

I need to take that final step and block her in my email, but I can't seem to take that final step.

I read your post and it speaks to me loudly. There are many topics that I could highlight and quote but seems to me you've mad about a 90% decision but something... .whatever "that" is keeps you from pulling the trigger. Our situations are very similiar except that I actually lived with my BPDx for a year, she B/U with me and then for almost the next year and half walked in and out of my life far too many times. I met her when I was on the cusp of being 50, she had just turned 32. Here are some Realities I experienced being with a younger female, not to mention that it wasnt until after 3 months during Idealization period she told me she was diagnosed BPD.

1. Generational Differences: I would often make jokes or references about certain lines from movies or shows of my generation as a teen through my 30's. Most of the time she was lost because she had not ever seen those shows and movies. Music wise we really shared a lot in common. However, my circle of friends VS. her circle was always strained. There's far more to this but that almost 20 year generational issue will come up again and again.

2. Emotional Differences: While my X was a good looking female, long black hair, green eyes, 38 D, 32 by 36 with 2 small children she was essentially a 4 year old trapped in a womans body. Herein, we go into all the dysfunctions of classic BPD behavior and if you've been this board you may have read about all I went through which is pretty close to what most of the others here have expereinced.

3. Physical Differences: In 10 yrs (less actually cause I'm now 52) I will be entering my 60's. She will still be in her prime early 40's. I will tell you right now that except for a few minor issues I'm in great athletic shape and because of her constant need for affection it didnt matter if I popped Viagra/Cialis and was taking testosterone for a while I simply could Not keep up.  Maybe your different for a similar age. I hate to say this word... .but if I had ever met anyone that was a "nympho" it was her. Near the end her cheating was constant and her claims of dissatisfaction emasculated me.

4. As I've been on these boards I've collected a vast amount of quotes. This one is my favorite. I dont know who the member was, but I will give him/her credit.

"Your BPD will eventually drop you; staying only delays the inevitable -- The BPD will drop you, abandon you, take off, perhaps quietly or perhaps while regretfully trying to destroy you during states of dysregulation.  This unfortunately is the story over and over again with a BPD.  This is what they do.  It could be a week from now, it could be 10 years from now.  There is no amount of love, money, rationality, or bond that will prevent this.  Few things are inevitable or certain in life, but the likelihood of the BPD coldly abandoning you when you least expect it -- and at the least convenient time for you -- is remarkably high, more so than perhaps in any other relationship you might have.  Ultimately, all you will be left with is an exhausted body and mind, a broken heart, and a lot of wasted time and money."     

[Dunder]

The part of this that rings a bell for me is the way she would combine a seduction with a distancing move at the same time. You registered both and reported both in your post. Why would you want to put yourself in that push/pull dynamic? You are not available yourself, perhaps you are ambivalent about what is going on. The distance might work for you right now, but this woman is teasing you into chasing her and you want to take the bait. Temptation to enter an affair usually means that your marriage is in trouble, at least in my experience. Maybe you should focus on that and decide what to do about that first.

The decision not to let the relationship turn physical was mine because I never wanted an affair. I did, however, want a friendship with her, but I didn't recognize how disordered she was. I don't have a strong marriage but I do have a young daughter and I did not want to break up her family over what I was hoping would be a long distance friendship. The next thing I knew, I was emotionally entangled. I accept my responsibility as a codependent in this dynamic. I came to these boards for advice as to how to detach from her, not escalate an affair I never wanted.

[going places]

You asked nicely for a "reality check"... .this is my reality check.

Many of you know my story but I feel like I need a reality check from you all and from a lot of the new people posting here. I have been married for 16 years and have a beautiful 12 year old daughter.

Priority #1, the wife and marriage.

Your daughter will chose a man like you, based upon how you treat your wife.

It is her 'normal'.

Priority #2, the daughter.

Priority #3, you.

((assuming you are a Believer, then God is #1, and then the order after Him is the same))

Last summer I met a woman in another country while traveling there for work. After 4 days I returned home and was immediately  bombarded with text messages and Facebook posts.

You are a married man, you should have never shared your information with her.

She knew I was married, but she continued to write me at all hours of the day and night.

And you continued to communicate with her.

In my personal experience, women LOVE married men.

They love the challenge.

The whole thing seemed strange but she's a very attractive woman, 14 years younger (I'm 50, she's 36) and very intelligent, and her excessive attention fed my ego and filled a lonely void in me.

Right then and there, you should have stopped the affair, and sought out marital counseling.

A husband should never feel so neglected he has to seek attention from someone one else, and a wife should never feel so neglected she seeks attention from someone else.

For 8 months we were in an intense long distance emotional relationship. With the exception of those first 4 days and a long weekend in March, the entire relationship consisted of text messages, FaceTime calls, and some emails. But mostly text messages, 20,000 in total.

Deep sigh.

But there were things that always left me feeling very uneasy, like I was flirting with emotional disaster. During the 8 months of communication, she would often talk about other guys, all her failed relationships. I know this may sound sexist, but she is 36 and is very physically attractive, but has never been married even though she claims she's always wanted to get married. I considered that a red flag (if that's sexist of me, go ahead and call me on it).  She always talked about her horrible relationship with her father going back to childhood. She had a terrible fear of abandonment and she needed to be in constant communication with me throughout the day, morning, noon and night. Nevertheless, she loved to talk about other guys she was interested in, about another married man who was pursuing her and who showered her with so much attention that she was considering being his lover. She sought my advice on how to approach other men. She would constantly drop hints that she wanted me and a couple of times openly fantasized about some day being with me. I started to fall very hard for her even though I knew the reality of our situation would never allow us to be together.

Not once did you say anything about betraying your wife, betraying your daughter, bringing shame and humiliation to the family by having an affair (and with a woman 14 years younger). You are the only person you are concerned about.

That's a big red flag.

My marriage is bad, but I could never leave my daughter.

Sometimes divorce is what is BEST for the children.

Ask me how I know... .

I never knew what was said in jest and what was serious, what was a hint or a misunderstanding. My head was always spinning with self doubt and confusion. I felt like I had lost my ability to interpret another human being. I began to question my sanity. She would post lots of selfies of herself looking really sexy on Facebook and send me suggestive love poetry, but when I confronted her about her motivation for sending me such things, she would just brush them off as just quotes she liked. I asked her on several occasions what her expectations were for our relationship, but she always dodged these questions.

If you invested 1/2 as much time in your marriage with counseling, that you did trying to figure out some game player... .maybe your marriage wouldn't be so bad?

I now know that she was the textbook BPD waif, needy, often complaining of physical ailments, and victimized. This played into my rescuer personality; I was the made-to-order codependent, I played the role of her emotional and romantic savior, a perfect storm. By the end, I was a nervous wreck; couldn't eat, sleep, lost lots of weight, a stomach in constant knots, burning churning sensations in me, headaches, etc. It was a living hell.

I wonder what your wife and daughter would have felt if they would have found out?

I tried on multiple occasions during those 8 months to end the relationship telling her it was inappropriate for me as a married man to carry on with her like this but she resisted these attempts and I lacked resolve.

Lacked resolve, or enjoyed the ego stroke?

Until I finally came to my senses and ended it for good. I deleted my Facebook account and all other social media accounts and blocked her on FaceTime and my phone, but I left my email open.

You left a back door open... .you did not end it.

Close the back door, seek counseling.

I went 28 days of NC before she wrote me an email pleading with me to explain why I left her. I have since answered two other emails. She keeps trying to hook me back in but so far I've resisted. I am very sad because I liked her very much as a person. She made me laugh and she taught me a lot of things about me and the world. But ultimately I realized with the help of a T that she is mentally ill, that she has BPD.

So did your T leave you 'blameless' in all this? Just writing the whole affair, lying, deceiving your wife and child part on the "BPD girl"? What part was 100% your fault and 100% your responsibility, and what are you doing today to make sure you never choose this path again?

I have no question in my mind; I have a diagnosed sibling, the signs are all there in plain sight. I was just so enthralled that I missed it. Even though the relationship never turned sexual (it almost did), I am still terribly messed up by the experience. At this point, I need to take that final step and block her in my email, but I can't seem to take that final step.

You don't want to take the final step.

You need to have your T work out why you chose to have an affair, and why you chose not to end it.

[Dunder]

You asked nicely for a "reality check"... .this is my reality check.

Many of you know my story but I feel like I need a reality check from you all and from a lot of the new people posting here. I have been married for 16 years and have a beautiful 12 year old daughter.

Priority #1, the wife and marriage.

Your daughter will chose a man like you, based upon how you treat your wife.

It is her 'normal'.

Priority #2, the daughter.

Priority #3, you.

((assuming you are a Believer, then God is #1, and then the order after Him is the same))

Last summer I met a woman in another country while traveling there for work. After 4 days I returned home and was immediately  bombarded with text messages and Facebook posts.

You are a married man, you should have never shared your information with her.

She knew I was married, but she continued to write me at all hours of the day and night.

And you continued to communicate with her.

In my personal experience, women LOVE married men.

They love the challenge.

The whole thing seemed strange but she's a very attractive woman, 14 years younger (I'm 50, she's 36) and very intelligent, and her excessive attention fed my ego and filled a lonely void in me.

Right then and there, you should have stopped the affair, and sought out marital counseling.

A husband should never feel so neglected he has to seek attention from someone one else, and a wife should never feel so neglected she seeks attention from someone else.

For 8 months we were in an intense long distance emotional relationship. With the exception of those first 4 days and a long weekend in March, the entire relationship consisted of text messages, FaceTime calls, and some emails. But mostly text messages, 20,000 in total.

Deep sigh.

But there were things that always left me feeling very uneasy, like I was flirting with emotional disaster. During the 8 months of communication, she would often talk about other guys, all her failed relationships. I know this may sound sexist, but she is 36 and is very physically attractive, but has never been married even though she claims she's always wanted to get married. I considered that a red flag (if that's sexist of me, go ahead and call me on it).  She always talked about her horrible relationship with her father going back to childhood. She had a terrible fear of abandonment and she needed to be in constant communication with me throughout the day, morning, noon and night. Nevertheless, she loved to talk about other guys she was interested in, about another married man who was pursuing her and who showered her with so much attention that she was considering being his lover. She sought my advice on how to approach other men. She would constantly drop hints that she wanted me and a couple of times openly fantasized about some day being with me. I started to fall very hard for her even though I knew the reality of our situation would never allow us to be together.

Not once did you say anything about betraying your wife, betraying your daughter, bringing shame and humiliation to the family by having an affair (and with a woman 14 years younger). You are the only person you are concerned about.

That's a big red flag.

My marriage is bad, but I could never leave my daughter.

Sometimes divorce is what is BEST for the children.

Ask me how I know... .

I never knew what was said in jest and what was serious, what was a hint or a misunderstanding. My head was always spinning with self doubt and confusion. I felt like I had lost my ability to interpret another human being. I began to question my sanity. She would post lots of selfies of herself looking really sexy on Facebook and send me suggestive love poetry, but when I confronted her about her motivation for sending me such things, she would just brush them off as just quotes she liked. I asked her on several occasions what her expectations were for our relationship, but she always dodged these questions.

If you invested 1/2 as much time in your marriage with counseling, that you did trying to figure out some game player... .maybe your marriage wouldn't be so bad?

I now know that she was the textbook BPD waif, needy, often complaining of physical ailments, and victimized. This played into my rescuer personality; I was the made-to-order codependent, I played the role of her emotional and romantic savior, a perfect storm. By the end, I was a nervous wreck; couldn't eat, sleep, lost lots of weight, a stomach in constant knots, burning churning sensations in me, headaches, etc. It was a living hell.

I wonder what your wife and daughter would have felt if they would have found out?

I tried on multiple occasions during those 8 months to end the relationship telling her it was inappropriate for me as a married man to carry on with her like this but she resisted these attempts and I lacked resolve.

Lacked resolve, or enjoyed the ego stroke?

Until I finally came to my senses and ended it for good. I deleted my Facebook account and all other social media accounts and blocked her on FaceTime and my phone, but I left my email open.

You left a back door open... .you did not end it.

Close the back door, seek counseling.

I went 28 days of NC before she wrote me an email pleading with me to explain why I left her. I have since answered two other emails. She keeps trying to hook me back in but so far I've resisted. I am very sad because I liked her very much as a person. She made me laugh and she taught me a lot of things about me and the world. But ultimately I realized with the help of a T that she is mentally ill, that she has BPD.

So did your T leave you 'blameless' in all this? Just writing the whole affair, lying, deceiving your wife and child part on the "BPD girl"? What part was 100% your fault and 100% your responsibility, and what are you doing today to make sure you never choose this path again?

I have no question in my mind; I have a diagnosed sibling, the signs are all there in plain sight. I was just so enthralled that I missed it. Even though the relationship never turned sexual (it almost did), I am still terribly messed up by the experience. At this point, I need to take that final step and block her in my email, but I can't seem to take that final step.

You don't want to take the final step.

You need to have your T work out why you chose to have an affair, and why you chose not to end it.

Dear going places, Thank you for taking the time to give me your opinion regarding my situation. Best, Dunder

[Achaya]

The part of this that rings a bell for me is the way she would combine a seduction with a distancing move at the same time. You registered both and reported both in your post. Why would you want to put yourself in that push/pull dynamic? You are not available yourself, perhaps you are ambivalent about what is going on. The distance might work for you right now, but this woman is teasing you into chasing her and you want to take the bait. Temptation to enter an affair usually means that your marriage is in trouble, at least in my experience. Maybe you should focus on that and decide what to do about that first.

The decision not to let the relationship turn physical was mine because I never wanted an affair. I did, however, want a friendship with her, but I didn't recognize how disordered she was. I don't have a strong marriage but I do have a young daughter and I did not want to break up her family over what I was hoping would be a long distance friendship. The next thing I knew, I was emotionally entangled. I accept my responsibility as a codependent in this dynamic. I came to these boards for advice as to how to detach from her, not escalate an affair I never wanted.

Sounds like I might have misinterpreted your post a bit. I apologize if I did.