Answering the question, "WHY?"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So one problem I've never solved is telling the uBPDw (stbx) something she really doesn't want to hear.  S.E.T. helps me keep my cool, but it seems to rarely work at getting the "T" to sink in.  I probably didn't do enough SE SE SE SE SET.  But a man has his limits, and I see more rescuing and codependence in myself, and need to work on that.  I can't fix her, and I can't fix myself if I'm trying to fix her.  Oxygen mask.  Or in this case, parachute.

Any time I bring up an issue to resolve, there is an immediate counter-attack.  And I never get the T to set in.  I read somewhere to work on S.E.T. first, then work towards setting/enforcing boundaries.  I never got S.E.T. to work.

Now that I'm getting ready to file for divorce, and she's coming back into the state to gather her things, I'm going to undoubtably hear the question, "Why?"  Why am I divorcing her?  Why do I think the marriage isn't healthy?  My T's advice a few months ago was to limit criticism to the marriage, and not directly criticize her.  So when I told her I felt the marriage was toxic (how my T describes it), she demanded to know WHY I thought/felt that.   I told her that we never resolve anything, and she explained that it's because I won't change.  And I know I have my flaws.  I've done my searching and fearless moral inventory... .and I'll be doing another one soon.

I'm just at a place where I can't take it anymore.  It isn't getting better, it's getting worse, even as I apply the basic principles with regard to stopping the bleeding.  Calling the time out and stepping out of an argument or rant or heated discussion was leading to increasing levels of hostility.  First was sleeping in another room for several nights.  Then was suicidal ideation.  Then was punching a hole in a door.  What's next?  I have a right to cool down, and that might be 90 seconds or 90 minutes or even longer... .but what happens the next time I need to cool off?  I'm not even blaming her for me needing to cool off -- I'm admitting that I've reached the boiling point because I'm thin-skinned.  I might have had a bad day at work.  I might be exhausted from a bad night's sleep.  Asking for a time out results in insults and worse.

When I told her that we never resolve anything, I wanted to resolve the dangerous escalation.  So of course there was blame shifting, minimizing, and denial.  I know all about those.  Years ago I had to write journal entries about what drug I used, what happened, and how I felt, specifically about a time when you used and had negative consequences.  I had to read that journal in a group, and the members would find the blame shifting, minimizing, denial, and glorification.  Then you'd have to start over and have a few new journal entries for next week. 

After a while, you stopped saying that you went out with your friends because your dad pissed you off.  You stopped saying it was only a few beers that night.  You stopped saying that it was an epic party.  You started realizing that you went out because you wanted to get bent, that you over did it, and that you ended up in the back of a police car.  And you talked about how ashamed you really felt, but never let yourself feel the shame.  And you cried a lot.  In those meetings, for the first time in my life I was really in touch with pain.  That was back in 2002 or 2003 or so.

So I understand the defense mechanisms we build, especially with regard to shame.  I understand you made me do it, I never said that, it was no big deal, you're damn right I did responses to your mistakes.  I might not be BPD, but I have been that person that used every trick in the book to prevent themselves from feeling shame.  I know there's something wrong with me... .I'm a drug addict, dammit.

I just can't do this anymore.  She needs someone that I can't be, and I need someone that she can't be.  Neither of us is healthy enough to help the other.

So I'm going to get asked, "Why... ."  Do I bother to go through all this, for the month we're under the same roof, knowing that it's still going to end with me filing for divorce?  I feel guilt, because she's like a wounded animal -- in need of rescue, yet dangerous.  How could I let her suffer?  How can I walk away from her?

But I didn't cause it, and I can't fix it.  And it's tragic.  And just like that time 12 or so years ago when I first got in touch with my emotions, today I think is the first time I really understand why there is a Detaching From The Wounds of a Failed Relationship board.  I've been logical and rational for the past two or three months, but that was just a mechanism to prevent me from feeling the feelings.  I've cried more in the past 48 hours than I have in the past 48 months.

I'm not sure I really have a question.  Typing this made me feel a little better.  It's long winded, and I'm headed out to a doc appointment in 5 minutes, so I haven't proofread it very well.

Thanks,

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

So one problem I've never solved is telling the uBPDw (stbx) something she really doesn't want to hear.  S.E.T. helps me keep my cool, but it seems to rarely work at getting the "T" to sink in.  I probably didn't do enough SE SE SE SE SET.  But a man has his limits, and I see more rescuing and codependence in myself, and need to work on that.  I can't fix her, and I can't fix myself if I'm trying to fix her.  Oxygen mask.  Or in this case, parachute.

Any time I bring up an issue to resolve, there is an immediate counter-attack.  And I never get the T to set in.  I read somewhere to work on S.E.T. first, then work towards setting/enforcing boundaries.  I never got S.E.T. to work.

Now that I'm getting ready to file for divorce, and she's coming back into the state to gather her things, I'm going to undoubtably hear the question, "Why?"  Why am I divorcing her?  Why do I think the marriage isn't healthy?  My T's advice a few months ago was to limit criticism to the marriage, and not directly criticize her.  So when I told her I felt the marriage was toxic (how my T describes it), she demanded to know WHY I thought/felt that.   I told her that we never resolve anything, and she explained that it's because I won't change.  And I know I have my flaws.  I've done my searching and fearless moral inventory... .and I'll be doing another one soon.

I'm just at a place where I can't take it anymore.  It isn't getting better, it's getting worse, even as I apply the basic principles with regard to stopping the bleeding.  Calling the time out and stepping out of an argument or rant or heated discussion was leading to increasing levels of hostility.  First was sleeping in another room for several nights.  Then was suicidal ideation.  Then was punching a hole in a door.  What's next?  I have a right to cool down, and that might be 90 seconds or 90 minutes or even longer... .but what happens the next time I need to cool off?  I'm not even blaming her for me needing to cool off -- I'm admitting that I've reached the boiling point because I'm thin-skinned.  I might have had a bad day at work.  I might be exhausted from a bad night's sleep.  Asking for a time out results in insults and worse.

When I told her that we never resolve anything, I wanted to resolve the dangerous escalation.  So of course there was blame shifting, minimizing, and denial.  I know all about those.  Years ago I had to write journal entries about what drug I used, what happened, and how I felt, specifically about a time when you used and had negative consequences.  I had to read that journal in a group, and the members would find the blame shifting, minimizing, denial, and glorification.  Then you'd have to start over and have a few new journal entries for next week. 

After a while, you stopped saying that you went out with your friends because your dad pissed you off.  You stopped saying it was only a few beers that night.  You stopped saying that it was an epic party.  You started realizing that you went out because you wanted to get bent, that you over did it, and that you ended up in the back of a police car.  And you talked about how ashamed you really felt, but never let yourself feel the shame.  And you cried a lot.  In those meetings, for the first time in my life I was really in touch with pain.  That was back in 2002 or 2003 or so.

So I understand the defense mechanisms we build, especially with regard to shame.  I understand you made me do it, I never said that, it was no big deal, you're damn right I did responses to your mistakes.  I might not be BPD, but I have been that person that used every trick in the book to prevent themselves from feeling shame.  I know there's something wrong with me... .I'm a drug addict, dammit.

I just can't do this anymore.  She needs someone that I can't be, and I need someone that she can't be.  Neither of us is healthy enough to help the other.

So I'm going to get asked, "Why... ."  Do I bother to go through all this, for the month we're under the same roof, knowing that it's still going to end with me filing for divorce?  I feel guilt, because she's like a wounded animal -- in need of rescue, yet dangerous.  How could I let her suffer?  How can I walk away from her?

But I didn't cause it, and I can't fix it.  And it's tragic.  And just like that time 12 or so years ago when I first got in touch with my emotions, today I think is the first time I really understand why there is a Detaching From The Wounds of a Failed Relationship board.  I've been logical and rational for the past two or three months, but that was just a mechanism to prevent me from feeling the feelings.  I've cried more in the past 48 hours than I have in the past 48 months.

I'm not sure I really have a question.  Typing this made me feel a little better.  It's long winded, and I'm headed out to a doc appointment in 5 minutes, so I haven't proofread it very well.

Thanks,

Gomez

[Mike-X]

Hi Gomez, Thanks for posting this and sharing your struggles. I am sorry for all that you have been through and the relationship reaching this point. My own breakup with my uBPDgf has been the hardest I that have been through.

Here are some links to articles related to parts of your post, if you haven't already read them:

See number 9: https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

Tips for detatching, including responding to "why": https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a110.htm

Keep sharing here. There are lots of people on the boards who are here to listen and offer support.

[enlighten me]

Peraonally I think honesty is the best thing.

If my exgf ever asked why then I would tell her she lied to me, cheated on me and mentally abused me. I would say I understand thats how she is but that I deserve more than that.

I think that some proffessionals pussy foot around this but my opinion is the more they hear it and hear it from good people then one day it may sink in and they may seek help. If people continue to take the blame for others behaviour then that person will believe their own hype that its not their fault and always someone else.