was it my fault ?

[dobie]

I was a great partner in many ways but ... .

The reason she said she left had an element of truth

"We bicker all the time Im Exhausted " she would pick fights she admitted this to my bro she would rile me up and then watch me explode have me apologise and play the victim

"I'm sick of coming up with new ideas and things to do " all you like doing is watching , movies going out for meals etc (not true I like lots of things but she was much more pro active than me ) I was always happy to go along and enjoy things though or happy for her to pursue her friends and interests without me girls holidays spa weekends etc

She wants a man with more friends (she alienated most of my friends and there gfs)

I'm sick of carrying you finacnailly we had agreed I would work part time till I finished my exams and a job role came up  and this would also give me time to spend with my sick father . I could have been quicker off the bat though

She earnt a lot six figures + she complained all the time about money but my place is what Americans would call rent subsidised so what she spent was what she would have spent if she was single and renting on her own plus we had the option to buy and make a £100'000 straight away which was the plan

That was her main gripes does this sound reasonable for how she behaved does the above justify her actions and words for those who have been following my threads and how the BU went down ?

[Infared]

 When she met you did she say that she expected you to be:

1. An Entertainment Center

2. A Bank

3. Provider of new "perfect" social circle

4. A person with no opinion

We are blamed for all problems. ... .I decided not to "buy in" on that line of selfish BS.

It's good to be introspective and work at changing things that make us better people... .but we do not have to be anyone's whipping boy!

Give yourself a hug and do something nice for you today!

[dobie]

When she met you did she say that she expected you to be:

1. An Entertainment Center

2. A Bank

3. Provider of new "perfect" social circle

4. A person with no opinion

We are blamed for all problems. ... .I decided not to "buy in" on that line of selfish BS.

It's good to be introspective and work at changing things that make us better people... .but we do not have to be anyone's whipping boy!

Give yourself a hug and do something nice for you today!

Lol love you man your posts always crack me up thanks 

[Deeno02]

Of course it was your fault. Duh. Even if it wasn't, it was. They rarely accept blame for anything. Jeez, on her final rage at me, I got blamed for stuff I never even had heard before. About the only thing I didn't get blamed for was WW2, The Kennedy assassination and UFO's. Seriously, in my case anyway and I'm sure others, I was at fault for pretty much everything that went wrong in the r/s. And I would sit there and take it, never said a thing other than I'm sorry, Or Id clam up, or I wouldn't say a thing, or use some humor to defuse the situation, anyway you slice it, my fault and I took it.

[SWLSR]

What was your fault was taking on a relationship with someone with BPD it is a no win deal

[Infared]

When she met you did she say that she expected you to be:

1. An Entertainment Center

2. A Bank

3. Provider of new "perfect" social circle

4. A person with no opinion

We are blamed for all problems. ... .I decided not to "buy in" on that line of selfish BS.

It's good to be introspective and work at changing things that make us better people... .but we do not have to be anyone's whipping boy!

Give yourself a hug and do something nice for you today!

Lol love you man your posts always crack me up thanks  

Dobie... .my ex treated me like I was her hero... .then not only was I to blame for everything that was wrong in our relationship, she completely rewrote our history through the eyes of her new relationship w/new hero. ... .and I was now the villian.

I think you and I were more sensible and balanced all along.  I realize she is ill, so I have to consider that before I buy into the nonsense. I gotta love me. You gotta love you!

[zundertowz]

I was worn down by the last year of our relationship and because of financial reasons and her children really couldnt leave... .Im positive she picked up on this and there was extreme abuse... .like others have said the only thing that is our fault was not cutting and running alot sooner.  If you had all the things your ex was complaining about there would be a whole other set of complaints... .

[dobie]

Of course it was your fault. Duh. Even if it wasn't, it was. They rarely accept blame for anything. Jeez, on her final rage at me, I got blamed for stuff I never even had heard before. About the only thing I didn't get blamed for was WW2, The Kennedy assassination and UFO's. Seriously, in my case anyway and I'm sure others, I was at fault for pretty much everything that went wrong in the r/s. And I would sit there and take it, never said a thing other than I'm sorry, Or Id clam up, or I wouldn't say a thing, or use some humor to defuse the situation, anyway you slice it, my fault and I took it.

Lol about the Kennedy and UFOs deeno

Man she told me its not fair to blame you when I asked her reason then went into a 10 minute diatribe of my sins and faults

Never did I hear her once say I am to blame I did this Im sorry the best I got was a few one liners or her admitting but only as she was under duress when she saw my bro a few things

Even when I spoke on the phone and said you should not have ruined my birthday that was unkind.  silence and then a justification

[dobie]

I was worn down by the last year of our relationship and because of financial reasons and her children really couldnt leave... .Im positive she picked up on this and there was extreme abuse... .like others have said the only thing that is our fault was not cutting and running alot sooner.  If you had all the things your ex was complaining about there would be a whole other set of complaints... .

Yeah it would be never ending I'm sure , if someone can't be happy internally and always looks for external reasons its only a matter of time before I would be blamed for new "sins" .

[dobie]

When she met you did she say that she expected you to be:

1. An Entertainment Center

2. A Bank

3. Provider of new "perfect" social circle

4. A person with no opinion

We are blamed for all problems. ... .I decided not to "buy in" on that line of selfish BS.

It's good to be introspective and work at changing things that make us better people... .but we do not have to be anyone's whipping boy!

Give yourself a hug and do something nice for you today!

Lol love you man your posts always crack me up thanks  

Dobie... .my ex treated me like I was her hero... .then not only was I to blame for everything that was wrong in our relationship, she completely rewrote our history through the eyes of her new relationship w/new hero. ... .and I was now the villian.

I think you and I were more sensible and balanced all along.  I realize she is ill, so I have to consider that before I buy into the nonsense. I gotta love me. You gotta love you!

Yeah I can hear her now trashing me to her replacement for all the suffering and pain she had to endure in her noble struggle of "loving me "

I'm working on loving me infrared via my T got a lot to do esp after her devaluation and discard and the mess she has left me in  but god willing I will get there bro

[dobie]

What was your fault was taking on a relationship with someone with BPD it is a no win deal

I just wish I knew about BPD then

I'll be honest I'd love a recycle just to see if it could make a difference and to be able to play detective

[AwakenedOne]

What was your fault was taking on a relationship with someone with BPD it is a no win deal

I just wish I knew about BPD then

I'll be honest I'd love a recycle just to see if it could make a difference and to be able to play detective

What would you do now with this BPD knowledge? Validate and pacify her? Read some on the Staying and Undecided boards. Most of the members there are miserable and / or are just trying to make the best of a bad situation for the kids sake or to save a marriage. They have BPD knowledge.

Play detective? She is a self appointed judge and jury over you. Your information you gather on her means nothing. She functions / plays by different rules and laws.

[dobie]

What was your fault was taking on a relationship with someone with BPD it is a no win deal

I just wish I knew about BPD then

I'll be honest I'd love a recycle just to see if it could make a difference and to be able to play detective

What would you do now with this BPD knowledge? Validate and pacify her? Read some on the Staying and Undecided boards. Most of the members there are miserable and / or are just trying to make the best of a bad situation for the kids sake or to save a marriage. They have BPD knowledge.

Play detective? She is a self appointed judge and jury over you. Your information you gather on her means nothing. She functions / plays by different rules and laws.

I guess I'd like to give it a shot now I'm in therapy and my anger is under control so I wouldn't bite when she acts out etc

Try and engage more emotionally not sleep in seperste beds so she feels safe  , take up mutual hobbies all the stuff that broke us up the apathy and the fighting

I'd like to try without my role in the dysfunction.   remember on the BPD scale mine was probably a 5-6

Allow her to solve more of her own problems stop being such a fixer and soother

Get that promotion so there is less arguing about money and stress on her etc

Her behaviours were never that bad OK she was a douche the last year and during the BU but before that I could tolerate the anxiety , low mood , soothing etc etc

It was only the last year when she fell out of love she became uber selfish and resentful

[jhkbuzz]

What was your fault was taking on a relationship with someone with BPD it is a no win deal

I just wish I knew about BPD then

I'll be honest I'd love a recycle just to see if it could make a difference and to be able to play detective

What would you do now with this BPD knowledge? Validate and pacify her? Read some on the Staying and Undecided boards. Most of the members there are miserable and / or are just trying to make the best of a bad situation for the kids sake or to save a marriage. They have BPD knowledge.

Play detective? She is a self appointed judge and jury over you. Your information you gather on her means nothing. She functions / plays by different rules and laws.

I guess I'd like to give it a shot now I'm in therapy and my anger is under control so I wouldn't bite when she acts out etc

Try and engage more emotionally not sleep in seperste beds so she feels safe  , take up mutual hobbies all the stuff that broke us up the apathy and the fighting

I'd like to try without my role in the dysfunction.   remember on the BPD scale mine was probably a 5-6

Allow her to solve more of her own problems stop being such a fixer and soother

Get that promotion so there is less arguing about money and stress on her etc

Her behaviours were never that bad OK she was a douche the last year and during the BU but before that I could tolerate the anxiety , low mood , soothing etc etc

It was only the last year when she fell out of love she became uber selfish and resentful

Hi Dobie, I'm glad to hear you have a T; mine has been invaluable in my healing.  It takes time but you'll get there.

What you describe in this post is "malignant hope."

Malignant: A descriptive term for things or conditions that threaten life or well-being.

Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.

This is where your thinking is incorrect: you believe you could jump through the correct hoop or do the correct thing to solve her disorder. You are wrong; the only one who can help her heal is her.

We all make mistakes; we all are imperfect. The world is full of imperfect people in loving relationships.

The core of your struggle is your low self esteem.  As you continue to work on this with your T you will begin to heal; you won't need your ex to help you feel happy and whole; you'll feel it within yourself.  You'll stop beating yourself up for being less than perfect; you'll resolve your shame (it's there but it didn't come from this r/s) and you'll heal.

You are better served by focusing on yourself now. Examine the wound and work on healing it; it existed long before your ex and it needs to be your focus.

[Infared]

"Love" is when someone accepts you for who you are. Just the way you are. I accepted my ex for who she was... .and loved her as she was. I did not get that back.

I deserve soo much better. So do you, Dobie... .