Undecided for the millionth time

[lostjak]

There is so much history, we've been together 16 years. During this time we had long gaps apart because I lived in the U.S. and she in the UK. Four years ago I did what she asked and left what I knew and moved to the UK. It's been hell since. I think she thought this was the answer to make her feel better, but actually it just made her feel more ill. We've muddled through the good days and the bad days, like everyone else on this board. But last year something happened. First of all let me say, I should have read the info on the leaving board! I thought that having a discussion with my partner about how things were feeling would be helpful. That it would help her understand and change. Mistake. Things got worse and I found myself looking at flats. Her behaviour got more erratic and unexplainable, while I tired to keep my head above water. One night during this time as we were watching an episode of Friends and laughing she got an odd phone call and left the flat. Because there was a break down anyway, I didn't think much of it. But there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a complete stranger glaring at me with hatred and anger. After a long discussion, I found out just how far my loving partner could sink. She was failing at her job, not coping, she took too many diasapam and someone noticed. So she told this coworker and her boss that I had been sexually and physically abusing her. Horrifically detailled stories right out of some film. How she even thought up some of what she said is beyond me. But as the coworker continued it became clear how ridiculous it was. I had taken all the closet space, that's why her clothes were wrinkled etc. But during the episode I was unaware of, she had been taken to the hospital, the police had been called and a report had been made. I never saw it coming. Not one little bit. I felt like a rock falling from space just hit me in the head. She had lied to me about every little thing for months and I didn't get it. Everything in an attempt to make this coworker believe her story. So elaborate. I was so afraid, so hurt, in shock, angry, devastated. I was no longer the chosen, only I didn't really understand, that I never was. She begged me to stay, to forgive her and of course I did. She's ill after all, it's not her fault. Only, it was happening again in a slightly different way. She was sneaking around still but now just telling stories of how unhappy I made her. I'm an idiot, but I offered a second, well third, chance. I just had to feel I had done everything I could to make this better. We started couples therapy. I told myself that was going ok too, until last week. The tears from nowhere. There we go again, playing it for the therapists. It was so hard to watch that I sat there staring at her with my mouth hanging open in disbelief. I think this is my final turning point. I'm obviously stuck, I have given up all that I had and knew to come here for her and now I'm being cast aside like an old doll on Christmas morning. No family, few friends, I'm older, fatter, and feel a bit broken. What a ride the past 16 years has been, and to be honest I feel a bit ill from all the ups and downs. I think I can do this but it's scary.

[LonelyChild]

You need to decide, once and for all. For your own good, you should probably get out of this situation. You will be going through unimaginable pain (if you aren't already), but staying can't be an option. How can you ever trust her again? What will she come up with next? You're going to have to monitor her every move, and that is going to drain you to nothing.

It's silly how easy it is to be rational when it comes to other people's situations. I mean, why would she change. It's been 16 years. Why would another year change anything? I wish I could be this rational with my own situation, although it's "only" been 3 years.