My First Post after months of reading...

[Our abuse recovery guide]

18 mos ago I read the book "Understanding Your Borderline Mother". I cried on every page yet had the sudden realization that I wasn't crazy. In the last 18 mos my word has been turned upside down in the sense that I've had to re-examine my past to figure out what is real and what was not. My mom hasn't been diagnosed but based on all I have read I think she is. I have hesitated to post because i find it difficult to "summarize" but I will attempt to give the back story. My parents divorced 25 years ago, when I was 16. It was an awful divorce, my Mom had a breakdown, my younger brother went to a psych ward for 9 mos, I started working every night after school and essentially took on the roll of keeping the family afloat (not sure I realized that at the time). I think I thought it was cool that my Mom and I were best friends but in hindsight it seems it was a very dysfunctional, inappropriate relationship. College was tough and I ended up moving home to help my Mom. At this point I had no relationship with my father, as he was painted the bad guy because he left. Once i graduated, I moved across the country, got my law degree and got married. 10 years ago my Mom had her house forclosed on so we moved her here to live near us and give her a new shot at life. She had convinced me that she was a victim and everyone else was out to get her. I felt ultimately responsible to make her happy so we paid her rent, gave her daily access to my young children. Here we are 10 years later and she has done nothing to change her life. She wages war against everyone who crosses her, everyone she things owes her something. Except my younger brother who is also a victim - he gets a free pass for everything even though he does nothing for her, ever. I have no relationship with him. My mother once arranged for him to call when my girls (8 and 11) were over and then told them not to tell me. That was the last straw. That's when I read the book and started down the path of setting up boundaries and creating some distance. It has not gone well. She says the nastiest things about me, my husband and insinuates that my kids are in on it as well. I truly feel like I've spent 25 years arguing against concrete. Our "fights" leave me feeling like banging my head against the wall. Currently we are still paying her rent because I'm afraid to make her "homeless" but I won't talk to her or see her. On a side note, I reconciled with my Dad a year ago because for the first time in my life I realized why he left. She thinks my detachment is a direct result of being in contact with my evil Dad who actually has never said anything negative about her. Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm posting other than to connect with others. And maybe get some advice on how to move forward. I don't trust her with my children alone and I don't want to be with her so where do I go from here? Sometimes I feel sad for her but mostly I feel free in that I'm taking control of my happiness and providing emotional stability for my 3 kids.  She seems to have no problem drawing them into her drama and I just refuse to let that happen. I'm sure I've left stuff out. But overall, my Mom loves me and treats me well when things are perfect but under any other cirumstances she is nasty, accusatory, abusive, etc.

[acs73]

18 mos ago I read the book "Understanding Your Borderline Mother". I cried on every page yet had the sudden realization that I wasn't crazy. In the last 18 mos my word has been turned upside down in the sense that I've had to re-examine my past to figure out what is real and what was not. My mom hasn't been diagnosed but based on all I have read I think she is. I have hesitated to post because i find it difficult to "summarize" but I will attempt to give the back story. My parents divorced 25 years ago, when I was 16. It was an awful divorce, my Mom had a breakdown, my younger brother went to a psych ward for 9 mos, I started working every night after school and essentially took on the roll of keeping the family afloat (not sure I realized that at the time). I think I thought it was cool that my Mom and I were best friends but in hindsight it seems it was a very dysfunctional, inappropriate relationship. College was tough and I ended up moving home to help my Mom. At this point I had no relationship with my father, as he was painted the bad guy because he left. Once i graduated, I moved across the country, got my law degree and got married. 10 years ago my Mom had her house forclosed on so we moved her here to live near us and give her a new shot at life. She had convinced me that she was a victim and everyone else was out to get her. I felt ultimately responsible to make her happy so we paid her rent, gave her daily access to my young children. Here we are 10 years later and she has done nothing to change her life. She wages war against everyone who crosses her, everyone she things owes her something. Except my younger brother who is also a victim - he gets a free pass for everything even though he does nothing for her, ever. I have no relationship with him. My mother once arranged for him to call when my girls (8 and 11) were over and then told them not to tell me. That was the last straw. That's when I read the book and started down the path of setting up boundaries and creating some distance. It has not gone well. She says the nastiest things about me, my husband and insinuates that my kids are in on it as well. I truly feel like I've spent 25 years arguing against concrete. Our "fights" leave me feeling like banging my head against the wall. Currently we are still paying her rent because I'm afraid to make her "homeless" but I won't talk to her or see her. On a side note, I reconciled with my Dad a year ago because for the first time in my life I realized why he left. She thinks my detachment is a direct result of being in contact with my evil Dad who actually has never said anything negative about her. Anyway, I'm not sure why I'm posting other than to connect with others. And maybe get some advice on how to move forward. I don't trust her with my children alone and I don't want to be with her so where do I go from here? Sometimes I feel sad for her but mostly I feel free in that I'm taking control of my happiness and providing emotional stability for my 3 kids.  She seems to have no problem drawing them into her drama and I just refuse to let that happen. I'm sure I've left stuff out. But overall, my Mom loves me and treats me well when things are perfect but under any other cirumstances she is nasty, accusatory, abusive, etc.

[whiplashed_mom]

Hi, acs73

I'm new here, too. Thanks for sharing your story.

[happykiwi]

You could be writing about my Mum.  She thinks the world owes her and takes no responsibility for anything.  But I have pulled right back.  I realise now she wont change and will never be happy.  I too have stopped contact with my children as I caught her a couple of times saying nasty comments to my son.  She wont change, so I have to.

 

[Naughty Nibbler]

ACS73:

Welcome!

I can't believe I wrote a long note from my iPad and lost it

If you aren't in therapy, might want to give it a try. You might come to think of it as a lifesaver.  These boards are great and everyone here is wonderful.  Therapy, along with these boards - good combo.  Check out the lesson area of the board, lots of valuable info.  I also find the search feature helpful.  It can lead you to posts about some of the lessons - some examples how some have put the lessons to good use.

After three therapy sessions, my therapist suggested I get the book Walking on Egg Shells.  I started with the audio book and went on to get the Kindle book and workbook.  The audio is a quick listen and you can listen to it during a commute or around the house with some headphones.  It was so enlightening to me.  I guess it validated that I wasn't the crazy one.  At first I was excited to finally have an answer about my sister. Then I became depressed to find out she won't likely change, ever say sorry after one of her rages ( calls me names an degrades me )

Right now, I'm gathering tools. Not clear what my level of contact will be with my sister going forward. I've quit taking phone calls from her, but have to continue contact in other ways because we are in the middle of trust/probate for our parent's estate (dad died in Oct and mom in Feb)

Sometimes just posting here is great for venting.

[DigitalGhost]

Hello and welcome.  The first book I read was also "Understanding the Borderline Mother" -- what a revelation, right?  It was eerie, how it just perfectly described my entire experience.  Hope you find some comfort on these boards as well.

[Lily77]

Hi Acs73,

She had convinced me that she was a victim and everyone else was out to get her. I felt ultimately responsible to make her happy so we paid her rent, gave her daily access to my young children. Here we are 10 years later and she has done nothing to change her life. She wages war against everyone who crosses her, everyone she things owes her something. Except my younger brother who is also a victim - he gets a free pass for everything even though he does nothing for her, ever. I have no relationship with him.Our "fights" leave me feeling like banging my head against the wall. Currently we are still paying her rent because I'm afraid to make her "homeless" but I won't talk to her or see her.

This sounds so much like my mother. For my whole childhood and early teens, she complained how her family never helped financially (which as it turns out, was not true) and she was constantly having huge, bridge-burning blow ups with family members and even close friends. By the time I was old enough to get a job, she started taking my money, and then my brother's not long after, to supplement the meager income she made for herself. Then once we both became financially independent, for nearly 10 years she refused to find work or get public assistance and lived solely off my brother and me. She used every emotional blackmail trick in the book and for a long time I gave in because I didn't want to "make" her homeless and truly bought the lie that I was selfish and a bad daughter for not helping her more and "fixing" the situation. It's taken a lot of therapy (and reading Understanding the Borderline Mother too!) to realize that she has uBPD and uNPD, but most importantly, that if she became homeless, or got herself into another crisis, it would not be because of me, but because of her own actions.

Several months ago, I finally cut her off both financially and contact-wise. Wonder of wonders, she didn't end up a bag lady, but rapidly secured a job, housing, and a boyfriend in a span of a few months. So quickly it left my head spinning. After years of dragging us through such chaos and non-stop crisis, after thousands and thousands of dollars spent on helping her, it just suddenly switched off. I can't help wondering if it was all just mind games.