S5, D3, joint physical and legal custody. Our post-split r/s is as "cooperative colleagues."
We've recently had a major family crisis this past week, and I'll summarize that after my question, which is:
Their mom is cutting down work hours by choice. We have to scramble in the next week because the children can't go back to her mom's (grandma's) home, the person who used to watch the kids. So, my Ex has offered to watch them a couple of days per week and has asked if I would be willing to take the money I would have paid her mom (since we share childcare expenses equally according to the stipulation) and pay it to her.
Does this sound like a lever she could use to file for more custody (and child support)?Since she would be watching the kids on some of my days, but the custody order is clear. This is not her motivation, the story is this:
On Feb. 27th, I noticed that D3's (then D2) genitals were pretty red. She was transitioning out of diapers at this point, so this was not unreasonable if her diaper wasn't changed enough during the day. I put some diaper cream on the affected area (outside, labia, I guess) and she whined, "ow, Daddy, Uncle16 touched my butt!" She was referring to her 15/16 yo uncle, my Ex's youngest brother. She didn't elaborate. I wrote it down (and through all which happened last week, no professional could give me an affirmative on if I would have been committing a crime if I had photo-documented it, so of course I didn't!).
I started inviting U16 out with us on some of my Saturday's with the kids to go hiking. Part of it was to observe his r/s with the kids, and part of it was because I like the guy, and feel that he's a neglected child.
Ex had the kids last weekend. I got them back Monday night, no problems. Tuesday night, after bath time, I noticed that D3's genitals were red again.
I don't see why since she's been out of diapers in the daytime for a few months. I put the cream on the outside and again, she said, "U16 touched my butt!" and whined. I said, "I'm sorry Baby, it will feel better in the morning." I turned to S5, and said, "what is D3 talking about?" He replied, "U16 touched D3's butt." I asked, "where did this happen?" He said, "in the living room." I asked, "where was grandma?" He said, "at the store." Here is where I started freaking out.
After the kids had a jolly time of locking me out of my bedroom where they use the master bathroom to brush their teeth, laughing at me and mocking me from behind the door, they let me in after I walked away and stopped giving them attention.
I took them into the bathroom to make sure they finished and said, "S5, when U16 touched D3's butt, what did he touch it with?" He turned away, and put his hand out and said, "He poked her with his fingers like this," making a poking motion. My mind reeled. I put a call into the T and left a message detailing the story.
The next morning, after dropping the kids off at school, D3 wanted to go to grandma's house, where she goes normally. I thought nothing of it, waiting for the call back. I got the message when I was at work having lunch the next day. The message was shocking. My lunch buddy saw the look on my face and said, "oh, no." The T basically said that my daughter was being molested, it was a crime, a felony, and that he needed to hear back from me by that evening that I had called CPS, the cops, or both, and that it was better for a number of reasons that I do it rather than him. I knew he was a mandatory reporter, and this would relieve me of my doubts.
So after the after noon at the police station, a knot in my stomach the whole time, they sent me home. They were going to go to my Ex's house first to conduct interviews, but she had a night class, unknown to me, and all of the cops converged at her parents' home where everybody was. My ex called me, distraught. I was going to reject the call, but I thought I owed it to her since I didn't alert her of this (the cops told me not to).
I explained what I did above, and she was understandably crying. I get that. She called back 3.5 hours later, after I had just fallen asleep. She was still upset with me that I didn't come to her first, and I explained why, that her family has a history of covering up past domestic violence. My Ex gets that. She told her mom (who by my reading the DV web page by my police department, may have committed a crime in the past by letting her children witness DV and not reporting it, even if husband was the perp). Doesn't matter. She "betrayed" the family by "siding" with me. Here they are foolish as they don't realize that she may have lost temporary custody if she resisted the investigation. Instead:
"What if it's Turkish who is molesting D3?"
"He's just doing this to get back at you because you're getting married!" (to her affair partner, whom I've made it clear to both my Ex and him that he needs to be on board with knowing everything since he is moving in to her home soon and is a part of the kids' lives)
From her older brother (uncle 38), "that mother-fffing mother fffer... ."etc... .,"This is your fault, because you're always defending Turkish and saying what I great dad he is!"
My T said that things like this are like shining a flashlight into the darkness to push it back. What has been revealed by this metaphorical flashlight:
Eldest Uncle, 38 (so uBPD that everyone in the family knows it without calling it "BPD", just "anger problems" and "emotional instability", raised his hand to smack S5 last year, but didn't touch him. My Ex confronted him and made it clear that he was never to touch our children. I found out Friday night that earlier in the day, she found out that U38 had recently spanked S5; he told their mom this and she told my Ex. I found this out because after having an anxiety attack because I took back the kids, my Ex and her fiancee came over to my home, a breach of boundaries, but I talked to them through her car window on the street, calmed her down. Poor fiancee was shell-shocked, he didn't know what to do, and sat there with a thousand-yard stare, periodically blowing out his cheeks. At the end, he said, "why do I think that you're the only one handling all of this like an adult?" I just gave him a lop-sided grin.
U38 says he hates his sister, and will sue both she and I after all this is over for what I/we did to their family. Go for it partner. You admitted to touching our son in anger, and we are forbidden by the custody stipulation from spanking them, even it it's legal under CA law.
Last year, S then 4 told his mom that U15/16 "touched my butt." She confronted her brother, who of course denied it. He's never said anything to me about it. She never told me this... .nor when she confronted her 38 year old brother about him raising his hand in anger to strike S5.
Lucky for me (and of course the kids), both kids told their mom exactly what they told me. S5 even made the poking motion. The kids, however, only told CPS in separate interviews that U16 "puts us on time outs." Interesting... .which is why they are on the verge of closing the case, but they told her they can reopen it at any time. The bottom line, however, is that the kids cannot go back to that home while the "suspect" is there. I know that that means, but not really. Erring on the side of safety? The two witnesses
perjured themselves told CPS different things than they told us. Can't do anything further, and I understand that. My Ex and I need to come up with a plan to keep the kids safe.
This is all up in the air still. The inintial exam showed that D3 has two holes in her hymen, but that they weren't sure if they were natural, or induced. She has an appointment with a specialist tomorrow.
So it's a big mess right now, and sometimes I think how it would have gone if I had just gone to my Ex, and we confronted him and established boundaries at that house. Then again... .the reactions may have been similar, and we may have broken the law by not reporting it right away.
The cops, nor CPS has called me at all (which is why I was nervous for the first few days, thinking I was going to get arrested) yet. I realize that I will be under scrutiny, and that my Ex's anxieties are triggered more now. I really wonder how all this can be initiated by the "testimony" of a 3 and 5 year old, but apparently, I followed the law, even if it was implied I did something wrong by not reporting it the night I saw what I saw, and heard what I heard. The call to the T, documenting that I did something, helped alleviate the initial anger of the cop at me. How low is the bar?
