THE BPD GRAND FINALE... let me know if anyone can relate to this.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So in the interest of keeping a long story long, let me paraphrase here... .

A year and a half relationship... .from the beginning I knew " something" was wrong, but it's one of those things virtually NONE of us can put our finger on if you haven't encountered it before... .the biggest telling sign for me( although there were many) was the ability of my BPD ex to lie to me with a straight face!... .I mean come on now, who amongst us can cast the first stone, but where I'm from it's like if your CAUGHT?... .u " cop a plea!"... .in other words admit, bull___, and hope the person eventually forgets... .not so in her case... .this to me was astonishing... .over and over again... .did my research and finally GENTLY approached her with my conclusions a week ago... .these were met with open acknowledgement of the disorder... .but NO attempts on her own to dive further nor seek help... .only request that I " love her through it

[Logic]

So in the interest of keeping a long story long, let me paraphrase here... .

A year and a half relationship... .from the beginning I knew " something" was wrong, but it's one of those things virtually NONE of us can put our finger on if you haven't encountered it before... .the biggest telling sign for me( although there were many) was the ability of my BPD ex to lie to me with a straight face!... .I mean come on now, who amongst us can cast the first stone, but where I'm from it's like if your CAUGHT?... .u " cop a plea!"... .in other words admit, bull___, and hope the person eventually forgets... .not so in her case... .this to me was astonishing... .over and over again... .did my research and finally GENTLY approached her with my conclusions a week ago... .these were met with open acknowledgement of the disorder... .but NO attempts on her own to dive further nor seek help... .only request that I " love her through it

[JayApril]

So in the interest of keeping a long story long, let me paraphrase here... .

A year and a half relationship... .from the beginning I knew " something" was wrong, but it's one of those things virtually NONE of us can put our finger on if you haven't encountered it before... .the biggest telling sign for me( although there were many) was the ability of my BPD ex to lie to me with a straight face!... .I mean come on now, who amongst us can cast the first stone, but where I'm from it's like if your CAUGHT?... .u " cop a plea!"... .in other words admit, bull___, and hope the person eventually forgets... .not so in her case... .this to me was astonishing... .over and over again... .did my research and finally GENTLY approached her with my conclusions a week ago... .these were met with open acknowledgement of the disorder... .but NO attempts on her own to dive further nor seek help... .only request that I " love her through it

Love her through it is new for me. Yes, I know that very feelinv where you know something is wrong but, you just dont know what it is. Like it is right in your face. I did not kow about BPD during my relationship. But, I would often tell my ex something was wrong with him, also that be needed help and it was not everyone around him. It was in fact him with the problem. All he would respond with was tears, and" I know something is wrong. I know. I know." But, he would just revert right back to the same behavior. I have learned that they can be aware of their illness but, seldom if ever go seek treatment and change.

[Arcturus81]

I can relate. The first lie is their first step to devalue you. I have yet to hear of any satisfactory comeback from the first lie. Once it starts it does not stop. I wish you the best in your journey but nothing can make them understand that the lies just serve to distance them more from you. You have my sympathies.

[apollotech]

"... .did my research and finally GENTLY approached her with my conclusions a week ago... .these were met with open acknowledgement of the disorder... .but NO attempts on her own to dive further nor seek help... .only request that I love her through it."

I heard some similar statements from my BPDexgf: I am different., You have to be patient with me., You have to be very careful of how you speak to me/what you say to me., etc. She was telling the truth as she was far too delicate for reality. Of course, like most pwBPD, rather than acting like an adult and addressing her issues, she chose to manipulate/control the environment/people around her so that she didn't have to take a look at her own brokenness. They run rather than fight. They have ran, even from themselves (mostly from themselves) all of their lives. It's a shame based behavior, but also an enabled behavior as well, as they are never forced into a position where they must change.

Kudos to her for admitting to the disorder. I am sure that that required great effort on her part. At the very least, she has accepted and faced that reality! I certainly think that she deserves support and validation for that, seemingly to us, small effort.

I really like the "love me through it" line. I think I'll take it out for a test drive with my next romantic partner (jokingly of course!).

[Logic]

Thanks for the responses as this is all new to me and mind boggling, intriguing, and helpful conversation for and to me... .so here's part two of the long short story.

[Logic]

furthermore at 4am I get three text messages from her... .no apologies or anything like that... .instead 3 pictures of bruises on her hand and arm from a brief scuffle to snatch her phone from her when she even mentioned calling the cops on me... .( I of course never would have let her make me defeat myself by hitting her btw)... .at this point I wonder what she's going through if anything... .is there ANY remorse?... .will the good times I surely introduced into her life be looked back upon with a " damn I messed that up " outlook?... .is it possible for her to really be so powerful at protecting herself from accountability that she can block me out without hurt?... .all things that are behind me when I should be looking forward I know... .but give me a sec on that as it just happened last night... .honestly ppl?... .right now I take satisfaction in that I know these ppl suffer inwardly and constantly... .correct?... .I guess that will have to extinguish my anger until it inevitably subsides... .but man!... .who knew this type of stuff existed in humans... .en capable of empathy, guilt, or remorse... .can't be TOTALLY true... .shrug

[Trog]

I was told I "have to be stronger than this" in the face of her continuing sectioning and diagnosis from doctors. She refused to take her medication but while she didn't even have to take prescribed medication "I had to be stronger than this". IE, have no needs and tolerate psychosis, I was the weak one.

Whats worse, as a caretaker, I gave this some credence and tried to be stronger! Eventually I came to my senses and kicked her out.

This is really a characteristic of BPD in the top 10  's

[shellsh0cked]

"... .did my research and finally GENTLY approached her with my conclusions a week ago... .these were met with open acknowledgement of the disorder... .but NO attempts on her own to dive further nor seek help... .only request that I love her through it."

I heard some similar statements from my BPDexgf: I am different., You have to be patient with me., You have to be very careful of how you speak to me/what you say to me., etc. She was telling the truth as she was far too delicate for reality. Of course, like most pwBPD, rather than acting like an adult and addressing her issues, she chose to manipulate/control the environment/people around her so that she didn't have to take a look at her own brokenness. They run rather than fight. They have ran, even from themselves (mostly from themselves) all of their lives. It's a shame based behavior, but also an enabled behavior as well, as they are never forced into a position where they must change.

Kudos to her for admitting to the disorder. I am sure that that required great effort on her part. At the very least, she has accepted and faced that reality! I certainly think that she deserves support and validation for that, seemingly to us, small effort.

I really like the "love me through it" line. I think I'll take it out for a test drive with my next romantic partner (jokingly of course!).

That was my situation almost exactly!  She was/is surrounded by enablers her entire life... .any attempts to try to get her to change she thwarts with "I'll kill myself... ." or pulling something really over the top... . THe only reason I even know about it is her family are friends and her brother in law and I are like brothers.  It sucks that they have to keep going through this with her.  He has no choice since he is married to his sister.  I feel really bad for them.  She's probably about as bad as they get as far as BPDs go.  She really needs to be institutionalized.  For her own safety and others if nothing else.  She's not gotten any better but worse since 2012 when I last saw her.

That "love me through it" bs?  Wow.  That's a copout for "I'm gonna make your life a living hell, and you're just going to have to live through it because I'm unable to deal with this"... .Funk that!  It is amazing though that she admits to even having BPD... .My exBPDgf said she had "no problems" other than a "panic disorder".  But I was a pedophile, narcissist, voyuer, and wanted to sleep with her 60 year old mother... .and was accused of such on a regular basis.  There was no "loving through" with someone like her.  You can "love through" your lady leaving the cap off the toothpaste, leaving dirty clothes on the floor, forgetting your birthday, or not always being dependable... .but not untreated BPD.  It will bring you down like cancer.  

Her admitting is a huge step.  My ex is still in denial, and probably always will be.  My ex?  no longer my problem thank GOD!  She had her claws in me so deep.  A trademark of BPD.  I KNOW what you guys are dealing with and have been through.  

Logic... .Forget her.  Live your life.  After a while it will blow your mind why you stayed... .like mind control.  Love is a powerful thing.

[Logic]

Appolotech... .thanks man!... .deep insight!... .I'm fascinated by this all... .on a grown level tho at 38 and moving on... .just can't believe this is in our environment and NO ONE is aware... .until they encounter it... .the cliche of calling ppl " crazy"... .is more true than we know... .modestly said

[apollotech]

Appolotech... .thanks man!... .deep insight!... .I'm fascinated by this all... .on a grown level tho at 38 and moving on... .just can't believe this is in our environment and NO ONE is aware... .until they encounter it... .the cliche of calling ppl " crazy"... .is more true than we know... .modestly said

Logic,

People in the general populace will never experience your exSO's behavior because she will never form a deep, meaningful emotional bond with them. You saw that side of her because you did indeed mean a great deal to her, so much so that she could not control herself with/around you. It's a terrible disorder as it destroys the people and relationships that the person with BPD wants and loves the most.

My BPDexgf's public persona is quite delightful. She is an incredibly warm and charismatic person. People flock to her. People love that person, and rightly so. (I am not speaking of mirroring here.) However, anyone that she forms a deep emotional attachment with is eventually pushed away---mother, men that she has loved, even her children. Those deep bonds trigger engulfment in her and she uses one or more of her maladapted defensive tools---rage, promiscuity, ST, etc.---to create distance between herself and said love/emotional interest. It's not personal; it is BPD. I was never comfortable or safe in her world, and likewise, she was never comfortable or safe in my world. It took me a long time to understand and accept the second part of that equation.

[iluminati]

I heard some similar statements from my BPDexgf: I am different., You have to be patient with me., You have to be very careful of how you speak to me/what you say to me., etc. She was telling the truth as she was far too delicate for reality. Of course, like most pwBPD, rather than acting like an adult and addressing her issues, she chose to manipulate/control the environment/people around her so that she didn't have to take a look at her own brokenness. They run rather than fight. They have ran, even from themselves (mostly from themselves) all of their lives. It's a shame based behavior, but also an enabled behavior as well, as they are never forced into a position where they must change.

I'm not saying that such a mindset is right, but when you grow up in such an invalidating environment where running from your truth is just as common as the sunrise, I'm not necessarily sure how they would learn anything else.  When you grow up in an environment where the environment is manipulated on a regular basis, it's hard to tell someone that this isn't the way to do things.  I remember when my ex went through her treatment that she was surprised to learn that other families don't try to manipulate the world around them.  This isn't as much as a defense as an explanation.  Ideally, they should be getting help to deal with that mindset, but that's much easier said than done.

[Logic]

All man too good Apollo... .this is some scary stuff as I devise I meant everything and yet nothing from your post... .I can tell you, you've read my mind when I've told her " ppl will love you until they get to KNOW YOU."... .this is so phenomenal to me.

[Logic]

Respect Illumanati... .we are all products of our environments... .Nevertheless knowledge is power... .and once you're aware you're accountable... .f that .

[UserName69]

I can relate. The first lie is their first step to devalue you. I have yet to hear of any satisfactory comeback from the first lie. Once it starts it does not stop. I wish you the best in your journey but nothing can make them understand that the lies just serve to distance them more from you. You have my sympathies.

Once a liar always a liar. They don't keep a script with their lies so soon or late you'll bust them. My ex lied so many times I didn't even take her in the most cases serious. She lied a lot about her past I never told her but that says a lot about her.

She told me so many stories about her exbf who according to her started to ignore her... .Yeah right. I never believed almost everything she said. I knew she was seeing a psychiatrist. On Facebook her profile said that she's working at a company while she has been jobless for a long period.

[gah]

I was never comfortable or safe in her world, and likewise, she was never comfortable or safe in my world. It took me a long time to understand and accept the second part of that equation.

wow