I'm a slow learner

[Verbena]

I've been married nearly 33 years to an angry, bitter, negative man.  It has taken me a very long time to get to the point of acceptance that my husband has some serious mental issues and that I cannot fix them or change them. 

I have finally learned that I need to stop and ask myself what I really hope to accomplish in my interractions with him.  I have learned that if I lower my expectations and limit my contact, life is better.  He is still angry and miserable, but that is a given with him. 

Here are some small examples:

I am a decorator and have always shared my projects and ideas with him.  He has always been my installer for window treatments and other jobs.   He is his nastiest on installation days, seething with anger the entire time, and an embarrassment to me in front of clients.  He has nothing positive to say about any idea I share with him concerning a project.  He is not encouraging or complimentary.  He shows no pride in anything I do.  So I don't involve him anymore. 

My husband believes he is speaking when he isn't.  He will completely ignore me yet claim that he did answer me, even telling me exactly what he said.  I can be a few feet away and see that he does not make eye contact, his lips don't move and no sounds come from his mouth, but he will insist he is communicating.  So I don't question this anymore, and I don't give him as many opportunities to play this sick game with me. I have stopped asking if he heard me when I say something to him.  I just say it and move on. 

My husband is really only interested in discussing negativity--unless it's his own negativty which he denies exists.  In fact, he denies that his behavior is a problem at all, and he claims to not remember most of the incidents where he behaved badly and truly believes they never even happened.  So, I don't bring up any subject that is negative unless I have to.  The news, for example.  I might want to discuss some current event, but I don't because he gets loud and angry.   He might mutter one-word replies to a positive or neutral topic I want to discuss, but he becomes animated in a very strange way if the topic is negative.  A simple conversation turns into an angry gripe session that carries over into more negativity later.

My husband seems to be boiling inside with anger much of the time.  I used to try to figure it out, ask him what was wrong, get him to talk.  That never worked because he denied he was angry.  In fact, he became angrier if I even acknowledged he was upset.  So now I just leave him to it.  I have set a boundary of no more slamming doors which he has respected most of the time. 

I know that none of this is making for a better marriage, but it has freed my mind somewhat from him. 

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[Ceruleanblue]

Wow, does this ever sound a lot like my husband. He's super negative, but what I've found is that it is mostly towards me or my son. He is able to be totally positive in regards to his kids, and some select other things. On the whole though, he's rather negative, and I'm sure it's pretty negative inside his head, it has to be because that is what comes out the most negative things.

Like you, I've tried to give the "think positive" pep talks, and tried to figure out the "why" of why he's so angry and negative. Now I no longer care. I think he was born this way. I know my son was born with a disposition where he'd get angry easily, but he's gotten much better, because he's learned to deal with his anger. That is a stop I think my husband missed.

The anger and negativity used to wear me down, but now I deal with it much better. I don't take it personally. I always knew it wasn't' my fault, but I kept thinking I could somehow help. Ha! He has to want to get better, I can't do it for him.

My husband has been much better since he entered DBT, and he's on a higher dosage of meds. Our marriage therapist told him though, and I agree, that the medicine isn't the true answer. The true answer is for him to learn to cope and deal with his anger better, which is what the DBT is hopefully doing.

I don't think you are a slow learner at all! I think because we love them, that we sometimes make excuses we shouldn't make, or have lax boundaries, and they get used to taking their anger out on us. All we can do is do better once we know better. What they do, is on them. We just have to learn to minimize the damage to us.

[Verbena]

Ceruleanblue,  I think you're right that not taking it personally is important.  I really strugle with that, but I try to detach myself from it and look at it for what it is.  And yes, I think it's the way they are born/raised.  His dad was awful to be around and for the same reason.  

Unlike your husband, mine is on no medication and wouldn't go to therapy if his life depended on it.  I recently told him we needed counseling, and he walked away from me without a word.  That's his go-to response for anything I say concerning our marriage.  He cannot acknowledge that he is ever at fault about anything and can't apologize for anything, ever.  If I had some happy pills, I'd slip him some in his coffee every day.

Just to show you how stubborn he is, I have told him the reason we no longer have a physical relationship is because I cannot separate in my head his miserable nature with me that only changes if he thinks sex could happen.  I said it felt manipulative and fake.  I told him I'd like to have a physical relationship again and I'd like to talk about it.  He walked away from me without a word.  

So this is the way it is.  I really don't feel any love for him and haven't for a long time.  I'm just learning to not feel as disgusted with him.  

Oh and yes, my husband can be very pleasant and normal with others.  It's like flipping a switch. 

[Ceruleanblue]

You took what I think of as a "soft approach"(I watch a lot of John Gottman marriage videos on Youtube... .), in dealing with the sexual aspect of your marriage. You expressed a concern in a calm respectful way, and even with that, he chose to take offense. "Chose" being the operative word. He chooses to be difficult, and not work with you, and that is on him. Does he meet much of the criteria for BPD?

My husband's main diagnosis is Intermittent Explosive Disorder, but he has "traits of" BPD. Trust me, he has way more than traits of. I think they only one he lacks is suicidal ideation. The thing is though, that whether it's anger, or BPD, it's HIS issue. I constantly had to remind myself of that, because my BPDh was so good at projecting, and trying to blame me for all. Now, I get that I was part of the dance of dysfunction, but my dance was done as self protection, and I've gotten a lot better at not contributing to the craziness.

I'm learning to set boundaries, and boy, is it hard. Mostly because he tries to make out like I'm punishing him. I'm not, I'm protecting me.

It sounds like your husband has chosen to target you. Can you somehow take the reward away from him? Does he know not responding hurts you? I'm hoping others can give you practical advice on how to deal with this.

[Verbena]

CBlue,

My husband hasn't been diagnosed with anything.  He doesn't have BPD, but our daughter does which is why I am on these boards.  She is much better.  HIs main issues are his inner anger, negativity, and inability to take responsibility for his behavior.  He has no insight into himself whatsoever.  Maybe he has a trait or two of BPD. 

I didn't know there was such a thing as INtermittent Expolosive Disorder.  I see this occasionally in my husband.  If I make a noise at night or the dark barks, he will jump up out of bed and slam the door.  Or, if I speak too loudly to him (his hearing is terrible), he will sometimes get REALLY mad and yell, "Stop yelling at me!"  Then he's back to "normal" again.  Maybe that is what he has.  He has something. 

And yes, it is a choice because he chooses to act differently around others.  I see that all the time.  He even speaks kindly to the dogs but then switches to his flat, monotone voice with me.  I am definitely his target. 

Taking the reward from him? I need to think about that. 

[Ceruleanblue]

Yeah, heck if I know what Intermittent Explosive Disorder is too. I've tried to research it, but what I've mostly found is it's assigned as a diagnosis when all other PD's are ruled out. I truly feel BPDh fits all but one trait or criteria for BPD, so I'm sort of stumped at how he ended up with this as his primary diagnosis, and just "traits of BPD". Let the psychiatrist spend a month with him, then I'd bet that would change

What also tells me he is likely BPD is that his meds finally seem to be working at a higher dose, or maybe it's the DBT. I also find the name Intermittent Explosive Disorder hilarious, because there was nothing Intermittent about it! He was mad frequently, and often. Like, every day often.

Like your husband, my husband also seems to lack insight into himself too. He hates to communicate, often ignores me, and hates any sort of what he views as confrontation or even talking to resolve things. He'd much rather sweep all under the rug.

I'm finding that I just have to make a life that I enjoy, and not worry so much about him. I so wanted him to be happy, and for him to be a kinder person, but that's on him. All I can do is work on lessening the effects his bad behaviors have on me, and learning ways to avoid setting him off. Such a strange life.