Saw my therapist for the second time since I made my final decision to break from my BPDx, forever. I cannot tell you how incredible I feel. But I'll try and I hope this resonates with several of you.
I made a "self-discovery", last week, that I was codependent. And not a mild one. About a 7-8 on a scale to 10. At first, it was a total gutpunch and I felt very, very dismayed. But, as I had more conversations with myself, the true healing began.
First off, I forgave myself. After reading, and researching, for several hours I saw the definite pattern that has existed since I was a kid. Everything fell into place. I had answers to my questions. I wasn't fighting with myself, anymore. And if you've read some of my posts from last week, you'll see I was fighting with myself quite hard. Beating myself up. I simply forgave myself for the poor choices I made, because I now know why I made them. Not making excuses, but the reasons WHY I did what I did, and accepting WHO I **currently** am and know that it CAN be fixed. There was a 100 ton weight that immediately fell off my shoulders. The best way I can describe it, was me in two different forms. Two separate people. The logical me and the CoD me. I made a post before, about being an ISFJ personality type. Here's one of the "definitions of being ISFJ"
>>The ISFJ feels a strong sense of responsibility and duty. They take their responsibilities very seriously, and can be counted on to follow through. For this reason, people naturally tend to rely on them. The ISFJ has a difficult time saying "no" when asked to do something, and may become over-burdened. In such cases, the ISFJ does not usually express their difficulties to others, because they intensely dislike conflict, and because they tend to place other people's needs over their own. The ISFJ needs to learn to identify, value, and express their own needs, if they wish to avoid becoming over-worked and taken for granted.<<
Relationship wise?
>>ISFJ Strengths
Warm, friendly and affirming by nature
Service-oriented, wanting to please others
Good listeners
Will put forth lots of effort to fulfill their duties and obligations
Excellent organizational capabilities
Good at taking care of practical matters and daily needs
Usually good (albeit conservative) at handling money
Take their commitments seriously, and seek lifelong relationships
ISFJ Weaknesses
Don't pay enough attention to their own needs
May have difficulty branching out into new territory
Extreme dislike of conflict and criticism
Unlikely to express their needs, which may cause pent-up frustrations to build inside
Have difficulty leaving a bad relationship
Have difficulty moving on after the end of a relationship<<
Hmmm... .CoD, much? And to those that think these personality tests aren't valid? Well, they DEFINITELY are, in MY case.
Point is, I realized, and ACCEPTED, that I was a serious CoD, for the first time in my life. Once you accept WHO you TRULY are (whomever that is), only then can you start the healing. And it started with forgiving myself. When that happened, the "Rational" me completely embraced the "CoD" me and vice versa. They shook hands and hugged. The "Rational" me told the "CoD" me ":)on't worry, buddy. I've got this." Being an ISFJ (Guardian/Protector) I finally let go and let ME take care of ME. I'm now MY guardian and protector. I hope that makes sense.
My therapist thought this was one of the best descriptions she's ever heard. But she took it one further. She said, like AA or Al-Anon, I took one of the biggest steps in the program. I let go and embraced a power greater than myself (my CoD self, which has ruled my life). In my case, it was my "Rational" side. That is the better, stronger part of me. And I've denied that part for WAY too long. CoD's are notorious for second guessing themselves and not listening to their gut. Their "Rational" side. I've let go, and embraced, that part of me. He won't let me down, and if he makes a mistake, he'll learn and move forward.
Secondly, I've applied what I've learned and am teaching myself new ways to think. I know that there's a big part of me that's still CoD and will be for some time. However, letting go and letting my "Rational" side take control, not only am I trusting ME, but I'm finding my "Rational" side isn't as strict as I thought he was. He's pretty compassionate and walks side by side with my "CoD" side. Guides him. Tells him "It's ok if you sometimes ruminate. It's ok if you sometimes miss her. It's ok to sometimes worry about what MIGHT unfold". He gives me a hug and a wink. But he also tells him "I'm your rock, now. I'm your shoulder to lean on. I won't purposely lead you astray. Have I before? I didn't. You just didn't listen, or trust, in me. Just trust me
". Now, I do. And all the anger, all the worry... .it's gone. Gone! I feel more whole than I ever have in my entire life!
To know who you are, why you do the things you do, and to trust yourself to now make the right decisions for you... .words can't properly describe the feeling. Euphoric is about as close as I can come to. It's truly freeing. There is only ONE thing in this entire world YOU can control and that's YOU. Everything else... .pfffft. Cross that bridge when you come to it. Don't borrow trouble before it comes. Use any bloody phrase you want, but it all means the same thing. Don't be bothered by things you can't control. Focus on the ONE thing you can truly control... .and that's YOU.
Lastly, I'm TRULY
thankful that I met my BPDx. Without her, and this whole situation, I may never have discovered the real me. I harbor no hatred, no disdain, no remorse about what I've gone through. To become one, with oneself, sometimes it's a nasty road to travel. But the destination is MORE than worth it
To wrap this up, I'm writing this for YOU. Please know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel. So many of you are hurting, are a little lost, and you're shattered into so many pieces, you think you'll NEVER be able to pick them all up. I'm telling YOU, you CAN. We all have that "Rational" side. PLEASE listen to it. Trust it. And PLEASE get professional help if you feel your life is out of control. They will help you on your way to getting it back in control.
I was the missing piece. Now I'm on my way to becoming the Big O. And it's AWESOME! I truly hope you do the same.
www.ktor.me/bigo/index.phpMuch love, fellow non's. If any of you need anything, please let me know
~Nolan
