life insurance and trust

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I am divorced from a uBPD woman and I have four kids.  Two are over 21 and not minors any longer and two are 14 and 11.   I have life insurance from when i was married to her and need to take her off the beneficiary for it.  However, i don't know how i should structure this to protect my younger children.  For example, some people say to form a Trust.  However, i don't really have anybody that I would consider a good fit for being a trustee.  Does anyone know of any options in this scenario.   I realize it is a legal question of sorts but I'm looking for those who might have already come up with some kind of scenario for dealiing with how to get money dispursed in a trust fund.

thanks

[truthbeknown]

I am divorced from a uBPD woman and I have four kids.  Two are over 21 and not minors any longer and two are 14 and 11.   I have life insurance from when i was married to her and need to take her off the beneficiary for it.  However, i don't know how i should structure this to protect my younger children.  For example, some people say to form a Trust.  However, i don't really have anybody that I would consider a good fit for being a trustee.  Does anyone know of any options in this scenario.   I realize it is a legal question of sorts but I'm looking for those who might have already come up with some kind of scenario for dealiing with how to get money dispursed in a trust fund.

thanks

[whirlpoollife]

Possibly talk to a financial advisor.  They can charge for the hour for just advice.

Not sure , but a bank or a law firm can act as trustee.

And in the trust , have the minors become adults before they can receive anything so xw cannot be in charge of it.

[ForeverDad]

Each state or province will have its own laws, so a legal consultation is appropriate so you don't make uninformed blunders.  For sure, though, change beneficiaries ASAP to remove ex from your list, you have no obligation whatsoever to have her there.

Regarding life insurance or other accounts, keep in mind that if they inherit money as minors, then someone will be given responsibility for handling those monies.  Likely it will be whoever has or gets custody of the children after you're gone.  If it's your ex, then likely she will find some way to use it as she wishes.  What I did (in USA) was to include in my will that any assets going to my child from me would be administered by a trustee I pick, then in the account beneficiary forms I put "In trust for {children} pursuant to will dated {date}".  That's what I did since I really don't have assets or big accounts*, so there was no reason to set up a virtually empty trust now that would cost me many $$$ to maintain over the years.

*  The only substantial things I have are the policies that vest if I'm gone.  My house is mortgaged, my car has a loan, my retirement account has a loan, I live from paycheck to paycheck.

I agree, you don't have to release funds from the trust at age 18.  Often that is too young.  You can wait a few years or release portions periodically.  That way at worst they can't make one huge mistake, they'd have to make many smaller mistakes.

[GaGrl]

My DH is a financial advisor -- he deals with various needs for trusts all the time.

First, see a financial advisor about what you need to have happen with the proceeds, should that happen.  For example, does a certain percentage need to be allocated to college educations for the younger children, versus what the older children might need.

Your financial advisor then probably has several estate lawyers to whom he/she can refer, who will take care of setting up the trust in the most beneficial way possible.

Don't forget about the beneficiaries on your IRA or 401K also.

[truthbeknown]

thanks for the tips . i appreciate it.  Time is the biggest challenge since i am always working.  That's why i've put it off so far.  But i do want to get it taken care of

[GaGrl]

Many financial advisors are glad to meet you at your home in the evenings or weekends.

[ForeverDad]

To be very clear to a newly divorced member... .You are divorced and who you choose to be your beneficiaries is your personal decision.  You would do well not to share details of your personal life, including these choices, with your ex-spouse.  There is no reason to do so and in some cases sharing information could be triggering to your ex and self-sabotaging to you.  Get into the habit of only sharing appropriate parenting details.

You've probably already been shifting into your separate life but a reminder here is a good reinforcement.

[catnap]

You may want to consult several trust attorneys to advise you as to the pitfalls that can occur and how to avoid them, as well as having them review any agreement before you sign.  Fees for trusts can very widely so do investigate that as well.

[truthbeknown]

foreverdad,

thanks for the reminder but i don't discuss anything except when is the next soccor game with my ex.  She refused to tell me things about our kids that is important because she minimizes it's importance.  The sad thing is that so do my kids now.  But it's always good to have a gentle reminder. 

[ForeverDad]

We members who've been here for years (and have the scars to prove it) or are newer but have already gotten through the worst of our trials and tribulations also write for those lurkers who are new or too timid yet to post.  Many have made their first posts writing, "I've been lurking... ." and "I just joined and have been reading the posts... ."

So it's not just for you that many here are Paying It Forward... .

[ShaSha]

We just did this literally 2 wks ago after my SO has been divorced for 4yrs!  We had his sister-fair, smart, knows the situation, & she's a lawyer take the beneficiary position for d22, d18, and gs 3. Talk with someone you trust maybe a godparent or good friend to see if they are open to the "position".  We want to make sure the uBPDxw doesn't get the money via the children being manipulated into giving it to her. A trust is in the works... .

[trappeddad]

I am facing similar circumstances with a trust.    I would prefer a trustee be a neutral person and not a family member considering the uBPD.      If a family member were the trustee, I can see the uBPD saying - you will never see the child unless you give me $.    The uBPD cannot play those games with a neutral trustee.   

[truthbeknown]

FD: okay thanks for that; i wasn't sure i wanted to let you know in case i miscommunicated something