How do you make the hurt go away and stay away

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am driving myself crazy. I do really well for a few weeks and have a very busy great weekend but know I am hurting as if we just broke up yesterday. I am really trying to push myself to go out with friends and have fun but nothing seems to take away the hurt on a long term basis. I feel like I will never meet anyone or be happy again.

[Left broken and confused]

I am driving myself crazy. I do really well for a few weeks and have a very busy great weekend but know I am hurting as if we just broke up yesterday. I am really trying to push myself to go out with friends and have fun but nothing seems to take away the hurt on a long term basis. I feel like I will never meet anyone or be happy again.

[FannyB]

LB&C

Sorry you're feeling like this. We all heal at different rates and I'm not sure if there's a fast track path to indifference (hypnosis, maybe?) All you can do is keep reading, keep venting and keep busy. You know you deserve better - but your heart is a very stubborn organ and has some catching up to do to get in line with your head. Take care.

FBG

[DyingLove]

This place is a wonderful and effective way of combating the hurt. A great place to meet people as well that suffer the same way we do.  I don't know where I'd be on the healing timeline if I didn't participate here.

BUT sometimes I wonder if we should have a group or a method for some of us to connect via skype (text or video) so that we could have more "live" dialog. Sometimes seeing one another is good too... .maybe not.  I'm not expert about that, but I do skype.

[dobie]

Your going to hear this a lot but what really helps is no contact !

No going over old emails , texts , Instagram , Facebook nothing you have to litteraly force yourself to forget her till you are strong enough to remember .

[Left broken and confused]

Dying love I think that is a wonderful idea. I also have skype

[jhkbuzz]

What you're experiencing is similar to what many of us on these boards have felt.  It's normal and it WILL get better with time.

I see you're about 6 months out of (what I think was a) four year r/s.  That's not very much time at all.  Be patient with yourself; spend time with people who love you, go out and make new friends, exercise, take up a hobby, just keep moving.

I am headed towards 10 months out of an 8 year r/s and I feel as though I'm in the final stages of healing.  I can also tell you that things were still pretty rough for me at 6 months out.  Especially infuriating was what you described in your post - feeling like you're doing better, then BAM. Feeling crushed out of the blue.

The good news is that cycle will diminish.  What you'll notice is that, where you used to spend two days "crushed" it's now just a day. Then just an hour.  Then just a few minutes.

It's all part of the normal stages of grieving.  Keep posting!

[Left broken and confused]

I know I am my worst enemy. I keep in contact with him and check fb all the time. Its when I see pics with him and my replacement I get like this. Truth be told I guess I haven't given up on him

[jhkbuzz]

I know I am my worst enemy. I keep in contact with him and check fb all the time. Its when I see pics with him and my replacement I get like this. Truth be told I guess I haven't given up on him

I'm not sure that I could have healed at all if I remained in contact or failed to "unfriend" on FB... .

You said you haven't given up on him - even though he's moved onto a new r/s.

Any idea what's keeping you stuck?  It honestly sounds as though you've given up on you and your own needs.

[UserName69]

It's hard to recover from a breakup but you can do it. If you're for sure that the relationship has ended forever it's time to move on. Longtime ago I had a serious relationship with a girl. This relationship lasted for 5 years, later I got a couple relationships they didn't work out like I wanted. I decided to stay single and go for the one night stands. Later I met my exBPD. We broke up for a month now and I decided to move on. I'm already over her and I don't miss her at all.

Here are a couple things I did to get over any ex:

1. I'm trying to be busy and have a lot of fun. I'm going out with my buddies, I have started new hobbies, I have met a lot of new people who share the same interests as me. I'm hanging around with a couple buddies of mine at a social club, I'm having a great time, great conversations etc. I'm very happy with my current lifestyle. KEEP YOUR SELF BUSY!. I'm so happy she isn't a part of my life anymore, I really can't see why I should love/miss/go back to her.

2. No contact! Delete and block her from Facebook, delete her number from your phone. You should get rid over everything that's going to remind you of her. If she gave you any presents just get rid of them. Even if she contacts you just ignore her. I know it sounds very cruel but you know what she has done to you. Every time when you miss her just think about all the negative moments she gave you. Don't even think you can fix her, your exBPD can't be fixed. Don't go back to her she's going to hurt you by playing with your feelings. Just vanish completely from her life. She doesn't deserve you, one day you'll meet a girl who's 1000x times better than your exBPD then you're going to realize what an idiot she is.

Just remember this: Keep your self busy everyday, have a lot of fun, enjoy your life and no contact with your exBPD. Don't even think about getting back to her because soon or late she's going to dump you again. BPD people are well known for their cheating behavior, don't trust her whatever she's going to do or tell you don't fall for it. Remember what she has done to you! Believe me this really works, but only if you want to. At the end you're the one who needs to take these measures.

[DyingLove]

It's hard to recover from a breakup but you can do it. If you're for sure that the relationship has ended forever it's time to move on. Longtime ago I had a serious relationship with a girl. This relationship lasted for 5 years, later I got a couple relationships they didn't work out like I wanted. I decided to stay single and go for the one night stands. Later I met my exBPD. We broke up for a month now and I decided to move on. I'm already over her and I don't miss her at all.

Here are a couple things I did to get over any ex:

1. I'm trying to be busy and have a lot of fun. I'm going out with my buddies, I have started new hobbies, I have met a lot of new people who share the same interests as me. I'm hanging around with a couple buddies of mine at a social club, I'm having a great time, great conversations etc. I'm very happy with my current lifestyle. KEEP YOUR SELF BUSY!. I'm so happy she isn't a part of my life anymore, I really can't see why I should love/miss/go back to her.

2. No contact! Delete and block her from Facebook, delete her number from your phone. You should get rid over everything that's going to remind you of her. If she gave you any presents just get rid of them. Even if she contacts you just ignore her. I know it sounds very cruel but you know what she has done to you. Every time when you miss her just think about all the negative moments she gave you. Don't even think you can fix her, your exBPD can't be fixed. Don't go back to her she's going to hurt you by playing with your feelings. Just vanish completely from her life. She doesn't deserve you, one day you'll meet a girl who's 1000x times better than your exBPD then you're going to realize what an idiot she is.

Just remember this: Keep your self busy everyday, have a lot of fun, enjoy your life and no contact with your exBPD. Don't even think about getting back to her because soon or late she's going to dump you again. BPD people are well known for their cheating behavior, don't trust her whatever she's going to do or tell you don't fall for it. Remember what she has done to you! Believe me this really works, but only if you want to. At the end you're the one who needs to take these measures.

I like the way you put it. Very stern. AND I know you are right.  It's so obvious, but it's the little sentimental things that keep us hooked.  Thank you Username69

[Left broken and confused]

I have always had a hard time saying goodbye to people in my life. I lost alot of people at a young age and I am sure that plays a big part in my attachment to him. I guess if I think about it during my divorce I know my ex husband would always be part of my life because we have kids together. I definitely have self worth issues which meeting or looking at me nobody would ever guess.

[Left broken and confused]

He used to tell me all the time I will never find someone that will love me as much as he did. Maybe hearing it so much made me believe it.  I keep very busy and try not to have much down time but the hurt creeps up on me still. I don't let it stop me from doing things like it use to so I guess that is a good sign. I just wish I would find someone else I was at least attracted to so I would feel like there is a life out there for me

[gomez_addams]

Not sure if you're the praying type, but try this:

Get on your knees twice a day -- especially right before bed.

Pray that good things happen to the ex. Pray that they are happy, healthy, and life is wonderful.

Try that, in conjunction with not stalking social media, not reading old letters or emails, don't look at old photos. Detach.

Time will heal.

Or maybe I'm an idiot... .But that worked for me once years ago.

Gomez

[Infared]

In my case, absolute and complete no contacts was vital to my recovery. Hardcore. Also, if I started to think about my ex I HAD to steer my thoughts directly to all the lies and the harms. I needed to look at her actions at the end of the relationship. That would be all the lies, the cheating, the abuse. NOT her words. Just too many lies and lies by omission.

What I needed to do was love me and see the real truth and move away from the sickness. I had to make a firm commitment to the truth. To the new reality. Completely.

Then things started to get better... .slowly.  Contact in any form with my ex was poison for me. I had to own that.  My ex became very mean and abusive. Someone that I did not know during our five-year relationship.

Like Gomez says, I could pray for her... .but I could also pray for me.

I also found a good T to sort the truth out from the lies I was telling myself. I had to see the new reality. I had to detach from the old reality. All of it. Doing it on my own was not working. Having a T guide me through that was vital for my recovery. It made a big difference!

[UserName69]

Also, if I started to think about my ex I HAD to steer my thoughts directly to all the lies and the harms. I needed to look at her actions at the end of the relationship. That would be all the lies, the cheating, the abuse. NOT her words. Just too many lies and lies by omission.

That's exactly what I mean, never forget all the hard times she gave you. There is no going back to your ex, even if you did you would hurt you even more. This made me hate my exBPD, I started to develop these feelings before we broke up. She just used to treat me like ____.

I saw an article about no contact they said that after three weeks people will forget all the bad stuff and start to think about the positive moments of their partner/rs. Then they start to miss them and want them back. I guess the problem with many people on this board is that the NC works against them, maybe they don't know what to do during this period or they think they'll be back with their ex? I really believe that's the main reason why a lot of people are still being hurt after all those months/years.

One needs to realize that the relationship is over, and that means you're never going to see your partner again or have all those special moments with your exBPD. The only option that's left over is: move on and forget about her.

[LimboFL]

So that you know that you aren't alone in this. I too am absolutely freaked out about how I can spend three weeks feeling good, out of the woods etc and then bam, out of nowhere I am slammed with the hurt and pain you mention, as though the break up was yesterday. No obvious triggers, no contact, nothing and it last for a few days. Not as bad  as when it first happened but sufficient to cause the taps to open, out of nowhere. Am getting quite tired of it. I am "fine" otherwise, grateful to not be walking on eggshells, grateful to no longer be criticized etc. Anyway, I have been in one of the moods, last couple of days. Looking forward to the exit, due shortly. Stay strong!

[jhkbuzz]

He used to tell me all the time I will never find someone that will love me as much as he did. Maybe hearing it so much made me believe it.  I keep very busy and try not to have much down time but the hurt creeps up on me still. I don't let it stop me from doing things like it use to so I guess that is a good sign. I just wish I would find someone else I was at least attracted to so I would feel like there is a life out there for me

If you are getting out and doing things then you're moving in the right direction.  Grieving takes time; it takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head.

I am 10 months out and just met someone last week that I was really attracted to.  There was a time I believed that might NEVER happen for me.  But it did - and it will for you too. 

[blissful_camper]

When we're hurting it seems like it can be difficult for our brains to take a break from those feelings long enough so that the process of the brain resetting itself begins.  For me it was like my brain and body on a chemical level had become so familiar to feelings of hurt that hurt was the new default.  (I hope that makes sense) That was my experience. 

I kept busy and that was helpful but it wasn't enough for me.  I felt as though I needed to find an activity that promoted well being and produced the release of neuro-chemicals different from ones produced by emotional pain.  For me that meant finding an activity that required physical coordination and total focus to the point where I became lost in what I was doing.  It put me in present moment where everything, and I mean everything, fell away.  There were no thoughts about anything anymore, just flowing motion. 

I engaged in that activity every day and I began to experience each day a little differently than the one before.  Pretty soon my brain chemistry shifted and "hurt" was no longer the default chemical released by my brain.  I hope that someone else might find this suggestion helpful. 

[DyingLove]

He used to tell me all the time I will never find someone that will love me as much as he did. Maybe hearing it so much made me believe it.  I keep very busy and try not to have much down time but the hurt creeps up on me still. I don't let it stop me from doing things like it use to so I guess that is a good sign. I just wish I would find someone else I was at least attracted to so I would feel like there is a life out there for me

If you are getting out and doing things then you're moving in the right direction.  Grieving takes time; it takes a while for your heart to catch up with your head.

I am 10 months out and just met someone last week that I was really attracted to.  There was a time I believed that might NEVER happen for me.  But it did - and it will for you too. 

Funny, I remember saying that to my exBPD out of anger: She will never find someone that will love me as much as I do.  But I think it's different when we say things out of anger versus in a manipulating controlling way.  Because I would never say it "outright". There was a reason (anger and provocation) that caused me to say it.  I hate that, because it makes me feel like I'm the one with the problem. (not that I don't have any problems, I'll be the first to admit that.)

[search4peace]

When we're hurting it seems like it can be difficult for our brains to take a break from those feelings long enough so that the process of the brain resetting itself begins.  For me it was like my brain and body on a chemical level had become so familiar to feelings of hurt that hurt was the new default.  (I hope that makes sense) That was my experience.  

I kept busy and that was helpful but it wasn't enough for me.  I felt as though I needed to find an activity that promoted well being and produced the release of neuro-chemicals different from ones produced by emotional pain.  

I must agree... .after 7weeks, I woke up today feeling like bugs were crawling over my skin and in my gut. It must be what the DTs are like for a junkie, but I swear right now I want the old familiar addiction just to be rid of these feelings of withdrawal from her.  I can suspend this pain with all the strategies mentioned in this thread, but there is some definite anhedonia... .the pain sneaks up on me so now i cant even feel like i am making progress.  I don't so much want her back... .I want my old feelings back that I had with her.

I need a social version of methadone!

[blissful_camper]

When we're hurting it seems like it can be difficult for our brains to take a break from those feelings long enough so that the process of the brain resetting itself begins.  For me it was like my brain and body on a chemical level had become so familiar to feelings of hurt that hurt was the new default.  (I hope that makes sense) That was my experience.  

I kept busy and that was helpful but it wasn't enough for me.  I felt as though I needed to find an activity that promoted well being and produced the release of neuro-chemicals different from ones produced by emotional pain.  

I don't so much want her back... .I want my old feelings back that I had with her.

I need a social version of methadone!

Do you mean the feelings of wellness that you experienced?  You can have those feelings back (those were your feelings produced by you) but instead of those feelings being fostered by someone else, you find a way to foster those feelings yourself through *healthy activities* that *genuinely* get you in that place where things fall away, you're in the present, and you lose yourself in that moment of joy.  For me incorporating that practice stayed with me and carried over to other wellness issues I was experiencing such as self esteem, self confidence, anxiety, and issues with depression.  It's a proactive strategy to add to other positive approaches to healing.

Edit:  It played an important role in paving the way for forgiveness and having compassion for my ex too. 

[Inside]

You are not alone…  I wish we could ‘will it away,’ and I’ve tried.  Occupying my mind with other things helps ... .until one of them brings me back to ‘her’ (which so many things do). 

I’ll try to shift my thoughts to the many (MANY) reasons it never worked, and could never work... .  It’s said our minds selectively recall the sweet and positive things, or else we’d go nuts.  So instead of ruminating on the sweet stuff, or going nuts - I force myself to recall the negative stuff - of which there’s plenty to choose! 

As for making it ‘stay away,’ not as easy, though Time seems our best friend with that... .  It does fade, and maybe it’s good we don’t forget it all, both good and bad.  I definitely want to see it coming in the future, in order to keep from repeating the past.  And though it’s nice to let our brains relax, even wander ... .I’m afraid with this experience, we’re going to have to make a conscience effort to recall the ugly - and never go there again.  A lot like growing up... .dangit

[blissful_camper]

Practices like yoga, climbing, jogging, walking, hiking, playing chess, meditation, horseback riding, horse ground work, creating art, will get you there.  Those are just a few ideas.  When it's made a repeated practice each day, lots of feelings will come into your awareness and then dissipate and dissipate more as you continue to "practice."   

[Plonko]

I had to spend some time occasionally driving past my replacement's house to see exBPDgf's car outside. Not in a stalking kind of way but I had to do it in order to remind myself why I'd grown to hate her so much. If I didn't do it I'd forget the bad stuff and miss her and I couldn't allow that to happen.

[jhkbuzz]

When we're hurting it seems like it can be difficult for our brains to take a break from those feelings long enough so that the process of the brain resetting itself begins.  For me it was like my brain and body on a chemical level had become so familiar to feelings of hurt that hurt was the new default.  (I hope that makes sense) That was my experience. 

I kept busy and that was helpful but it wasn't enough for me.  I felt as though I needed to find an activity that promoted well being and produced the release of neuro-chemicals different from ones produced by emotional pain.  For me that meant finding an activity that required physical coordination and total focus to the point where I became lost in what I was doing.  It put me in present moment where everything, and I mean everything, fell away.  There were no thoughts about anything anymore, just flowing motion. 

I engaged in that activity every day and I began to experience each day a little differently than the one before.  Pretty soon my brain chemistry shifted and "hurt" was no longer the default chemical released by my brain.  I hope that someone else might find this suggestion helpful. 

That ^ was an amazing post, and very good advice.

About two months post breakup, when I was still in constant pain and thought about my ex 24/7, I quite accidentally played a game with a friend that required intense concentration.  I spent an hour playing, and at the end realized I hadn't thought about my ex once.  I felt like I had been on an extended vacation... .it was such a relief. It also "broke" the spell (so to speak) and things slowly but surely started getting better for me after that.

"Hurt is the new default'... .hmmmmm.  I guess anything can become habit.

[Trog]

You have to do the work.

Getting involved with a mentally ill person whose actions are often to your detriment both emotionally and mentally is not like just any other break up. A sorted person sees crazy and crosses the street, we throw our lot in with them, tie up our dreams in people unfit to hold them and then proceed to project our expectations on them. They can't fulfil them. Simply can't.

That's a recipe for disaster. And a load of heartache for yours truly (and u too)

Well, the Titanic has gone down, so what now? Get on the bits of busted up wreckage and into some calmer waters, stay there amongst all the broken pieces and do the work with them to patch something new together. Something whole, authentic, that is yours only and don't be taking it out in the rough waters. Stay here with us on calm Lake Non.

You have to process this whole thing, there's no shortcuts, but eventually you arrive at forgiveness, most likely of her and yourself. I don't think about my ex anymore as a person, I think sometimes of the experience but mostly only as a great example, a recent suffering that has led me to look at myself and my life. You need to use this experience as a spring board to better things

[blissful_camper]

I began to practice (I don't really know what else to call it) when it was time for me to shift the focus to myself, go deeply inward, and work through my own issues.  There was a lot of "stuff" that was pretty deeply buried that I needed to explore and hopefully resolve the best that I could.  

Thanks to my ex I could no longer deny the work that I needed to do.  I feel that I unconsciously chose that relationship because on some level I was ready to do the inner work that I needed to do.  Nothing else I'd experienced in life had moved me in the direction of that required level of self-work.  

Practice wasn't a distraction from self-work.  It fostered self-work.  It got me to a point where I could shift and redirect my focus inward.  

Initially many old memories and the emotions attached to those memories came into awareness.  I cried, I felt alone, I was angry, I was afraid.  I kept at it though some days I thought that I wouldn't ever find relief.  

My personality (or maybe my issues) required a practice-partner that I felt was larger than me and sensitive enough to mirror my own feelings back at me.  I chose horses who were half-wild/wild. Those horses, I feel, saved my life.  (My intuition chose my practice activity.  I gravitated toward an animal I'd previously feared)

Sometimes things really do seem to happen for a reason.  When all of the various pieces of life's puzzle start to wiggle into their intended positions pretty cool things can happen if you surrender to it.  It may not be what you ever imagined for yourself but it's a gift intended for you.  (I now work with traumatized domestic horses)  

I still have moments when I struggle with antiquated ideas of what I envisioned myself doing mid-life.  I'm working on letting those ideas/issues go too.    

Reason for editing:   The need to find a practice was intuitive.  Looking back, my brain (even in the state it was in at the time) knew exactly what I needed to move forward toward healing.