This is so difficult

[A maze]

We have a DD16

With the help of psychiatrist, hospital social worker and psychologists, my husband and I have been learning to set and enforce limits for ourselves and our 3 non-BPD children.  Today we had a situation.  Our DD violated one of the three limits we set for ourselves.  Result, as she knew, was that she was not to see her boyfriend this evening.  To say she was upset would be an understatement.  We tried to validate her feelings and explain that, as planned, the consequence would hold.  She ended up storming out of the room and went to he room.  Seeing as she has self harmed in the past, I worried she might do so again.  I went to check on her and she was cutting, the wounds were superficial but there was blood.  Last time she had cut we had explained that we understood that it was difficult for her not to but that we wish she would find another way to deal with the intense emotions.  We had explained that because we were worried, if she cut again we would take her to the hospital.  With the intent to follow through on what we had said, we calmly explained we would take her to the hospital.  She refused.  We said it was non negotiable and explained we would call the ambulance if she did not voluntarily come with us.  She thought we were bluffing and said "oh ya, you're really gonna call 911?". We have her the option again to come voluntarily.  She refused, so we called.  We explained the situation, the background, the meds she takes and what was happening.  The police were first to arrive, the police officers were really great.  And ended up getting her to agree to go to the hospital with the ambulance.  My husband is there now with her.  I am at home with the younger children.

I don't think they will do much at the hospital, she is already an outpatient in the child psychiatric unit there.  They wool probably clean up her wounds and send her back home.  The police officers told us we did the right thing.  Then can someone tell me why I feel so bad for following through with what we had decided?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Kate4queen]

I think you did the right thing and handled this a lot better than I would've done.

She's in a safe place being cared for and you have maintained your boundaries which might make her think before she challenges them again.

None of is want to have to make these decisions for the children we love, but you did it because you love and care for her and that's the part to remember.

[A maze]

Thank you Kate4Queen!

I understand that what we are doing is logical.  I know it is the right thing to do.  If my best friend was going through what we are, I would tell her she is doing exactly what needs to be done.  It just breaks my heart to have to do it!

Thank you for the encouragement.  It does help to feel supported by people who know what it's like and understand the difficulties they come with parenting a BPD child.

A Maze

[madmom]

I think you did an awesome job.  I am so impressed that you and you family calmly worked through the plan.  I think this will be great for your BPD child, she saw you do what you said you were going to do.  You did it just right in my book.  It always feels awful when we have to do things to/for our child that we don't want to do, but I think you are so right in what you did.  I am sure there is a comfort in your other children in the caring, concerning, but not overly dramatic way you dealt with your child.  Keep up the good work!  

[A maze]

Thank you madmom.  They cleaned up her wounds and sent her back home, as expected, because she is well supported and is already under care as an outpatient.  We touched base the her psychiatrist this morning.

It was the first time we had to call the police.  We've been dreading this moment for a while now.  I have to say that, the officers were great and very reassuring in how we handled the situation as well.  Once our DD was gone with the ambulance, before the police left, I asked them if they could speak with our younger kids, just to dedramatize as much as possible and to reassure them.  One of the officers took the time to speak with the children and explained that he had an aunt who has BPD so he knows what it's like.  He told them that deep down their sister really loves them and that, as parents, my husband and I are doing the right thing by getting the proper help.

This morning she is acting like nothing happened.

Thank you so much for your encouragement madmom!

[busymind79]

As a parent of a 15 yr old Dd with BPD, I am very impressed with your follow through. We have had many situations similar and I know that follow through can make things very uncomfortable, inconvenient, and just terrible feeling! Logically we know we are doing the best and safest thing for our child, but it doesn't mean it's easy. I hope that by showing her that you mean what you say, your daughter will be able to find a better way to express herself. Great job!

[Kate4queen]

Thank you madmom.  They cleaned up her wounds and sent her back home, as expected, because she is well supported and is already under care as an outpatient.  We touched base the her psychiatrist this morning.

It was the first time we had to call the police.  We've been dreading this moment for a while now.  I have to say that, the officers were great and very reassuring in how we handled the situation as well.  Once our DD was gone with the ambulance, before the police left, I asked them if they could speak with our younger kids, just to dedramatize as much as possible and to reassure them.  One of the officers took the time to speak with the children and explained that he had an aunt who has BPD so he knows what it's like.  He told them that deep down their sister really loves them and that, as parents, my husband and I are doing the right thing by getting the proper help.

This morning she is acting like nothing happened.

Thank you so much for your encouragement madmom!

That is so cool that they did that.

I also dreaded the first time I would have to call the police about my son, but in a moment of BPD inspired rage he called them on ME when I had the audacity to sit on him after he tried to stab me with a kitchen knife. Sometimes you just gotta laugh.

[A maze]

Wow K4Q, that is intense.  I've often wondered, over the past year, if my daughter was a boy and was physically bigger than I am, would I worry even more about her being physically violent towards me.  My daughter and I are just about the same size and my husband is thankfully very present so I've felt pretty safe so far.  This being said, she gets so enraged I wouldn't be surprised that she would cross over that line eventually.  I hope I can be as tactical as you managed to be if ever I need to K4Q!  And yes, we do have to laugh cause if we lose that too, well loose ourselves ; )

I am so glad I found this place!  Everyone's support means so much!

I send you all a huge virtual hug!

A Maze

[lbjnltx]

Hi A Maze,

Calling 911 for our kids is hard, it is public acknowledgement that our kids well being is outside of our ability to protect, it is handing them over to a system that may  or may not help... .I'm so very glad that your local system worked so well for your family.

Here is some info that you may find useful in whole or in part:

Crisis Safety Plan for Families

lbj

[Eggdad]

Last time she had cut we had explained that we understood that it was difficult for her not to but that we wish she would find another way to deal with the intense emotions.

My dd22 stopped cutting by replacing it with holding ice cubes in the palms of her upturned hands.  She hasn't cut in 2 years now but still uses the ice cubes trick once in a while.

One time while in college she had no ice cubes available, she bought two Popsicles and used those ☺.

[A maze]

Thank you eggdad!

We actually proposed that to her but she hasn't used that trick yet.  She has used an elastic around her wrist that she would snap repeatedly.  This being said, it obviously hasn't worked this time : (

It's been two weeks since the incident now.  Yesterday we were at our appointment with the social worker and our daughter actually opened up and said we did the right thing by calling the police and she said she did not enjoy going to the hospital by ambulance.  May not doing like much but it's pretty huge to hear her day that.  She seems to be better these days but once again, as for everything else, she is in extremes.

We took this opportunity to explain that we don't have any control over her actions.  We explained that when she gets this way (and also just in general) she blames others for everything and that now, we would not take the blame anymore.  We told her that it's OK for her to be upset, frustrated or really, really angry at us but we would not take the blame for the actions she poses as a result of her emotions. Feelings are normal!  How you choose to act on them is your own responsibility.

Here's hoping this episode will have made us all move forward in our growth process!

Thank you for your post Eggdad!  Hope you daughter keeps doing well!

A Maze

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[madmom]

It sounds like you have been through a lot A maze.  It sounds like things are progressing and I am very happy to hear that for you!  Yeah   Keep us posted, what you are doing will surely help others.

[momcass]

do any of you have your children in DBT ?

I have a 15 year old daughter with BPD and am looking for support. I am a single mom and find it very lonely in this situation.