Stuck in traffic with a broken record...

[EightySix]

I don't drive so BPDh had to give me a ride to the meeting I had at the school for 2 of our 3 kids IEPs.

After 45 minutes we all come out and he's angry it took me so long. He said he thought it would only be 15 minutes.

My first thought was "how in the HECK could TWO IEP meetings take only 15 minutes combined?" But I didn't say that instead I said "I'm sorry I didn't prepare you in advance and warn you of how long it could take"

Of course that wasn't enough so he had to continue to complain about how long it took, all the things he'd rather be doing etc. Then we go stuck in traffic and despite seeing it coming a mile away he still took the traffic way home. So I got to hear about how annoyed he was for waiting and now how it was all my fault we were stuck in traffic.

I didnt say anything at all at that point. I just let him talk and be annoyed. I'm really not sure what to say. I absolutely hate feeling like I'm being blamed and berated. And worse still when it happens in front of the children.

Even the response I did give made me feel like I was in fact taking the blame for his unrealistic assumption.

Should I have handled thst differently ? Should I have made more of an effort to diffuse the mood?


THEN we ended up getting Fast Food and he says to me as we're pulling in "I wanted spaghetti, but if course it doesn't ever matter what I want"

At that point I said "are you just trying to find things to be angry about?" Because he never WANTS spaghetti.

His therapist has acknowledged that he prefers to stay negative and dwell in his misery. So it could have gone either way there, he could have got pissed but instead he shut up and I didn't hear anything from him for the rest of the ride.


So things I could have done better... .And go... .

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[ravfour4]

I'm relatively new to this forum, but I'd say it could have went something like this:

Your H: "Why are you SO LATE?"

You in a calm voice: "The traffic was much worse than I thought. I'll give you a heads up the next time something like this happens"

Your H: "blah blah blah blah I'm mad blah blah blah"

You stay silent until the mood calms down and/or try to change the topic to something else, something positive - or ask him how his day went.

I've found with my ex that I'm working on rekindling things with, if you push back much or try to tell them they're wrong, it just adds fuel to the fire. Instead, say something brief and poignant that gets your point across and then let the mood diffuse. They'll feel ridiculous if they just keep yelling/being mad without any further provoking.

[vortex of confusion]

Was he invited to sit in on the IEP? If he is their father, then he has every right to sit in and listen.

How old are your kids and how long have they had an IEP? Is his lack of knowledge about the IEP his choice or has he been purposely left out?

As far as what you could have different, it is anybody's guess. Maybe you could have validated more, used SET or something like that. One thing is to not beat yourself up. You just spent 45 minutes dealing with school officials and IEPs. He just spent 45 minutes sitting in a car. I imagine that both of you were tired and exhausted and just wanted to get home.

[EightySix]

He was invited and chooses to not be involved. He feels like because he never got help and he's "fine" they don't need help and I (and the school) are coddling them.

They're 8 (with Developmental coordination disorder) and 4 (with Ehlers-Danlos syndrom). The youngest just started school and the older one just became diagnosed so this is out first year dealing  with IEPs

Was he invited to sit in on the IEP? If he is their father, then he has every right to sit in and listen.

How old are your kids and how long have they had an IEP? Is his lack of knowledge about the IEP his choice or has he been purposely left out?

As far as what you could have different, it is anybody's guess. Maybe you could have validated more, used SET or something like that. One thing is to not beat yourself up. You just spent 45 minutes dealing with school officials and IEPs. He just spent 45 minutes sitting in a car. I imagine that both of you were tired and exhausted and just wanted to get home.

[ravfour4]

Whoops, def misread the original post. Thought you had to go pick him up, not that he awkwardly sat in the car instead of coming in... .

[an0ught]

I didnt say anything at all at that point. I just let him talk and be annoyed. I'm really not sure what to say. I absolutely hate feeling like I'm being blamed and berated. And worse still when it happens in front of the children.

Even the response I did give made me feel like I was in fact taking the blame for his unrealistic assumption.

Should I have handled thst differently ? Should I have made more of an effort to diffuse the mood?

A radically different approach would be to stop the car. Get out, ask him to come with you and discuss this away from children.

A less radical approach would have been to validate

- the awkwardness waiting in the car

- not knowing what was talked

- his impatience

- his frustration with the IEP process

THEN we ended up getting Fast Food and he says to me as we're pulling in "I wanted spaghetti, but if course it doesn't ever matter what I want"

At that point I said "are you just trying to find things to be angry about?" Because he never WANTS spaghetti.

He was upset and you addressed that straight. You also displayed own anger which was validating too.

His therapist has acknowledged that he prefers to stay negative and dwell in his misery. So it could have gone either way there, he could have got pissed but instead he shut up and I didn't hear anything from him for the rest of the ride.

Nope, you validated and it worked. You are still thinking of what you say in terms of lottery tickets and gambling. With targeted validation there is still a chance element but the odds are stacked massively in your favor.

[enlighten me]

Maybe not the best approach but there is always diverting the anger.

You come out and say "sorry that took so long. I cant believe how much those teachers go on"

You have then given him another target to vent out and created common ground.

Its probably not a healthy approach but if you need a break from being the target it might be worth considering.

[DreamerGirl]

I think you did well, stayed calm and let it go.

The spaghetti comment is typical when they are dis regulating, not even about you, just how he is feeling, his anger is being projected onto you. Like a two year old when they have a rage, its about them, not reality. 

I like imagining the eye roll when they carry on like babies  as frustrating as it is, they seem to get over the mood if we don't react to their behavior.