I don't even have a clue what to do

[dontknowmuch]

I am writing this while I am kind of "hiding" from my partner because she tries to figure out everything I do. We have been together for 26 years and have 2 kids, 15 & 13.  Right now we are at the worst place we have ever been in - most especially since she totaled her car last October, after years and years of lost keys, lost wallets, cancelled bank cards, traffic tickets, car stolen unlocked with wallet inside, constant emergencies. I am so tired of being afraid of what is going to happen next. I am also so tired of being blamed for everything. 

It seems like things have gotten so much worse since I really decided that I didn't want to live like this anymore, pretty much after the car accident, which she was not hurt in and the car was driveable. In the last 6 months I have been told the worst things I can imagine about myself from her and we have been in some very destructive fights.  She has never hit me through all the years, but has now hit me once and thrown things at me numerous times.  She doesn't have control in front of the kids very well. I have always wondered why she seemed to react the ways she did, and have some of the habits she does but through the years I can see so much of the same types of behaviors from her siblings (her + 7). She has a diagnosed bi-polar sister, depression is throughout her family and they all just seem a little "off" except the oldest sister. 

Just by chance, I found a book about BPD she had from trying to help one of her sisters and started looking at it. Between that book and more books and online sites, for the first time in soo long I feel like I am not crazy and alone. I am no doctor but I have little to no doubt that I know what it is now.

She is buying books (we love books) about couples in crisis, how to communicate etc etc etc and wants to start "working on a program/method" to help oour relationship. This could go on and on with details, but I am really at a bump in the road - I'm going to see a therapist, but in the meanwhile I feel like I have this "secret" that has helped me see, but I don't know what to do now.

She is living right on the edge of anger and rage at me, since I am the problem. I am not super enthusiastic about starting a new plan for our relationship based on my responsibility for everything.

Please help

I feel like I'm drowning

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Hmcbart]

You seem to be in the right path. Getting help for yourself is the first thing I was told and it's the best advice out there. Learning and reading all you can is good but be careful of information overload. I'm am also new at this so I can't really give to much advice other than read the lessons on here and begin working on yourself.

[vortex of confusion]

   

Welcome to the forums!

Finding these forums and the associated information is kind of bittersweet. It answers a lot of questions and has a lot of practical tools and information. If you haven't seen them already, check out the lessons that you can find down the right side of the forums. There is a lot to take in. The great thing about the lessons as opposed to a book is that if I have questions or need help figuring out how to implement some of the stuff, I can post questions or even vent to get some input or some kind of support.

The hardest part for me has been the loneliness of it all. So much of this stuff is stuff that can't really be explained to others without sounding/feeling crazy.

You are part of the problem. That is difficult to hear. I had no idea how I could be contributing anything since I have busted my butt for years trying to figure out how to be a better wife. There are things that I was doing to make things worse. I didn't even realize it though because I thought I was acting like any normal person would act if in my shoes.

Welcome! Do you have any specific questions about anything? There are lots of people here that have been in long term relationships that can offer words of support or give you ideas. I have been with my husband for 17 years. It has been a long road.

[ColdEthyl]

Hello and welcome! 

I'm sorry you are going through some pretty rough stuff at home. I know all about the lost keys, shifting blame, and the crazy thinking. I like to start by backing what VoC said, she's right on the money.

I want you to know before I found this site I had no idea was was going on, and kept wondering if I was the crazy one. I am not... .and you are not. I also want to say it can get better. I've been here a year, the tools on this site have helped my marriage tremendously, as well as the wonderful support you will find here.

It's best at this point not to tell her your finding on BPD. pwBPD tend to not take the news very well. Start first with communicating with her different. The topic of BPD can come up later. I made the mistake of finding the diagnosis, getting excited and telling my husband what I thought it was and showing him the Walking on Eggshells book. It ended up with him dysregulating and saying things like "I'm sorry I'm so screwed up you need a book to deal me with me" which of course led to "You should divorce me right now. I'm useless. You deserve better." etc etc

The biggest kick in the rear is going to be realizing for things to change... .YOU will have to change. We as 'nons' have the capability of changing a lot more than our BPD partners. But as we change... .they can, too. It's a lot of work, but it can be done. If you want to stay and try to work it out, this board is an excellent source.

[Lastbreath]

Welcome and good luck

I too know the feeling of all you stated.  In fact, I burst into tears reading your post.  You have also taught me something.  I've been married 20 yrs.  Thru the yrs there have been countless fits over lost keys, purses, debit/credit cards, etc.  I didn't realize this too was part of BPD.  Things seem to be making more and more sense the more I read.  It sounds like an exhausting road to try and stick it out.  Especially when we are already feeling completely broken.  I have no doubt my friend that you are a strong individual.  You have stayed for 26 years.  I find comfort knowing that I now know what it is.  I am dealing with a disorder, not my wife.  And for her and myself I will learn to stop contributing to the madness and despair.  The last 20 yrs have been serving as a punching bag leaving me feeling confused, unloved, unsupported, worthless and leads you to question your own sanity.   I believe in you.  You are not alone.  I find comfort knowing I am not alone.  Very best wishes to you.  Thanks for sharing.

[an0ught]

Welcome dontknowmuch,

Right now we are at the worst place we have ever been in - most especially since she totaled her car last October, after years and years of lost keys, lost wallets, cancelled bank cards, traffic tickets, car stolen unlocked with wallet inside, constant emergencies. I am so tired of being afraid of what is going to happen next. I am also so tired of being blamed for everything. 

Drama is spelled BPD  .

She is buying books (we love books) about couples in crisis, how to communicate etc etc etc and wants to start "working on a program/method" to help oour relationship.

A good book for both sides to work together on is "The high conflict couple". For more info see here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=73976.0

This could go on and on with details, but I am really at a bump in the road - I'm going to see a therapist, but in the meanwhile I feel like I have this "secret" that has helped me see, but I don't know what to do now.

Good move. Having a T to process what you experience and talking through what to change will help you.

She is living right on the edge of anger and rage at me, since I am the problem. I am not super enthusiastic about starting a new plan for our relationship based on my responsibility for everything.

First the good news: She is seeing a problem and wants change. Now the bad one (well you knew that already): A plan that is based on you swallowing all the blame is not going to work. She simply will find more to throw at you. Her throwing blame is reflection of her inner turmoil. Here validation (and more importantly avoiding invalidation and JADE) can help a little to sooth. But ultimately you need boundaries that bring back accountability and respect. That will take some planning, thinking and risk taking. You'll find the member on staying a good sounding board and your new T will help you there too. So there is hope.

,

a0