BPD Wife wants to divorce. Have 4 children.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPD wife of 11 years decided she wants to follow through with divorce the other day. We have 4 children together ranging from 5 to 10 years old. We started having children as soon as we got married. Being pregnant seemed to give her drive and purpose. Our 1st child was planned, but the other 3 were not. We just got pregnant very easily. She has a 16 year old son from a previous relationship, not marriage. He was 5 when we got married. He suffers from a range of psychiatric issues: depression, ADHD, mild Asperger's. He lives with his grandparents. That relationship is a great burden on my wife. We have had our share of ups and downs. Her rages in the past were pretty intense. She would throw and break things fairly frequently. She engaged in physical confrontations with me. She would slap me or hit me in the face. One night she did so without any provocation when I was sitting in my daughter's room helping her with her homework slapping me as hard as she could in the face multiple times. She would throw the entire contents of our refrigerator on the kitchen floor and storm off leaving me with the kids. We had a miscarriage later in a pregnancy after our 4th child. She had a disassociative episode with cutting after that. This is the only self mutilation that has occurred during our marriage. She has made threats at suicide. She doesn't anymore. She would usually say she would kill herself except for the effect it would have on her children. We finally got her proper help. At first, the counselors and psychiatrists we went to didn't make the BPD connection or weren't familiar with BPD. The psychiatrists felt she was more along the lines of Bipolar II. Needless to say the treatment wasn't that effective. We finally found a good psychiatrist, and through my research started to have a better understanding that she was possible BPD. She met the criteria for a DBT program at our local University hospital. She underwent around 1.5 years in that program with individual and group therapy. She takes a lot of medicine including 2 anti-depressants, a mood stabilizer, Xanax, Ambien and Hydrocodone for Fibromyalgia. She's 5'4" and weighs 110 lbs. She is able to function on the meds, and doesn't abuse her prescriptions. The medicine and the DBT have helped. She doesn't rage anymore. Her life is joyless. She is very seldom, if ever, happy. We rarely have had a sex life since marriage. I am always the one to initiate sex, sometimes with favorable results and sometimes rejection. Therapists usually suggest scheduling sex to us. I've had the lion's share of maintaining a stable and nurturing home for our children. We have had housekeepers the majority of our marriage, and are on our 3rd. I get the children up, fed, dressed, and to school. I check their homework, brush their teeth, and tuck them in. My wife does no cooking or cleaning leaving that to the housekeeper. She contributes by taking the children to their activities 75% of the time with the housekeeper filling in. She spends a fair amount of time in bed watching TV. She blames me for wanting a divorce. I get worn down doing all of the above, working at a demanding job, and being my wife's emotional caretaker. I have mentioned in the past several months the possibility of getting divorced. Our marriage is almost easier to bear when she is in crisis, and I have a focus. She said my mentioning divorce multiple time (when I was in emotion mind) was the straw that broke the camel's back. She has been staying with a couple of female friends at night. I'm at work during the day. She asked me to leave, but I set my foot down saying I would not leave my children. My housekeeper was even concerned about that since she knows I am the primary caregiver to the children when she's not at work. I'm at a loss as to what to do. If she presses this route, I feel it is best if the court sides in my favor to be the residential parent for my children with sole custody or joint custody with decision making. I know a divorce like this will have a devastating effect on my wife. I am not so sure I am making the right decision attempting to stay in this marriage. I am not so sure I haven't become codependent on my wife and her BPD. I feel depressed at the very least, and do take medication for that. I have to stay strong for my children and my business. I've told my wife I love her and want to work things out, but I am not so sure that's best after a few days away from contact with her. I am a Christian, and believe strongly in not getting divorced for reasons outside of adultery as the Bible says. I'm afraid the effect divorce will have on my children. I'm really not sure what to do. Sorry for the long post.   

[redfish78]

My BPD wife of 11 years decided she wants to follow through with divorce the other day. We have 4 children together ranging from 5 to 10 years old. We started having children as soon as we got married. Being pregnant seemed to give her drive and purpose. Our 1st child was planned, but the other 3 were not. We just got pregnant very easily. She has a 16 year old son from a previous relationship, not marriage. He was 5 when we got married. He suffers from a range of psychiatric issues: depression, ADHD, mild Asperger's. He lives with his grandparents. That relationship is a great burden on my wife. We have had our share of ups and downs. Her rages in the past were pretty intense. She would throw and break things fairly frequently. She engaged in physical confrontations with me. She would slap me or hit me in the face. One night she did so without any provocation when I was sitting in my daughter's room helping her with her homework slapping me as hard as she could in the face multiple times. She would throw the entire contents of our refrigerator on the kitchen floor and storm off leaving me with the kids. We had a miscarriage later in a pregnancy after our 4th child. She had a disassociative episode with cutting after that. This is the only self mutilation that has occurred during our marriage. She has made threats at suicide. She doesn't anymore. She would usually say she would kill herself except for the effect it would have on her children. We finally got her proper help. At first, the counselors and psychiatrists we went to didn't make the BPD connection or weren't familiar with BPD. The psychiatrists felt she was more along the lines of Bipolar II. Needless to say the treatment wasn't that effective. We finally found a good psychiatrist, and through my research started to have a better understanding that she was possible BPD. She met the criteria for a DBT program at our local University hospital. She underwent around 1.5 years in that program with individual and group therapy. She takes a lot of medicine including 2 anti-depressants, a mood stabilizer, Xanax, Ambien and Hydrocodone for Fibromyalgia. She's 5'4" and weighs 110 lbs. She is able to function on the meds, and doesn't abuse her prescriptions. The medicine and the DBT have helped. She doesn't rage anymore. Her life is joyless. She is very seldom, if ever, happy. We rarely have had a sex life since marriage. I am always the one to initiate sex, sometimes with favorable results and sometimes rejection. Therapists usually suggest scheduling sex to us. I've had the lion's share of maintaining a stable and nurturing home for our children. We have had housekeepers the majority of our marriage, and are on our 3rd. I get the children up, fed, dressed, and to school. I check their homework, brush their teeth, and tuck them in. My wife does no cooking or cleaning leaving that to the housekeeper. She contributes by taking the children to their activities 75% of the time with the housekeeper filling in. She spends a fair amount of time in bed watching TV. She blames me for wanting a divorce. I get worn down doing all of the above, working at a demanding job, and being my wife's emotional caretaker. I have mentioned in the past several months the possibility of getting divorced. Our marriage is almost easier to bear when she is in crisis, and I have a focus. She said my mentioning divorce multiple time (when I was in emotion mind) was the straw that broke the camel's back. She has been staying with a couple of female friends at night. I'm at work during the day. She asked me to leave, but I set my foot down saying I would not leave my children. My housekeeper was even concerned about that since she knows I am the primary caregiver to the children when she's not at work. I'm at a loss as to what to do. If she presses this route, I feel it is best if the court sides in my favor to be the residential parent for my children with sole custody or joint custody with decision making. I know a divorce like this will have a devastating effect on my wife. I am not so sure I am making the right decision attempting to stay in this marriage. I am not so sure I haven't become codependent on my wife and her BPD. I feel depressed at the very least, and do take medication for that. I have to stay strong for my children and my business. I've told my wife I love her and want to work things out, but I am not so sure that's best after a few days away from contact with her. I am a Christian, and believe strongly in not getting divorced for reasons outside of adultery as the Bible says. I'm afraid the effect divorce will have on my children. I'm really not sure what to do. Sorry for the long post.   

[OnceConfused]

redfisth78:

1. Prayer is when you try to talk to God and Intuition is when God talks to you.

Pray to God often, but dont' ask GOd for favors but only to give you the clarity to make your own decisions.

Then go into silence (meditation) and then as the monkey mind quiets down, and you let the murky water stops flowing then the dirt will settle and you will see the answers. Listen to that soft voice inside of you, that voice is your intuition or the response from God.

2. Try not to be afraid of the future like "I am afraid the effect divorce will have on children.". Trust me you will not be the only one out there that might go through the divorce, millions others have and their children mostly turned out OK. Is it better to have your children being raised in an environment of hostility, of craziness, of unstability, of unhappiness ?

Your children do know about their mom's state of mind. You cannot hide it. So face the reality.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Redfish78, Welcome!  Your story is quite familiar and you are not alone, believe me.  The names may change but the stories remain largely the same, in astounding detail.  I find the subject line of your post telling, because in my view the issue is not what your wife wants, but rather what you want.  So, what do you want to see happen?  What is the best path for you?  Divorce is hard on everyone, parents and children alike, no doubt, but as OnceConfused notes, what is the effect of conflict, turmoil, rage, abuse and the like on your children?  Loyalty is admirable in other contexts but can be misplaced in a BPD r/s.  Agree w/OnceConfused: try to listen to your gut feelings/intuition.  It's easy to lose oneself in a BPD r/s so it's important to start returning the focus to oneself.  You can do it!

LuckyJim

[redfish78]

Thanks for the responses LuckyJim & OnceConfused. This is the 1st time in the 12 years I've been involved with my wife that I have had any support for myself with the BPD fog I exist in. Any joint therapists that knew a thing about BPD made sure it was a very validating environment for my wife. Never helped me much. I really can't remember the last time I focused on myself, what I want, & what is healthy for me. Most people surrounding me don't have a clue about BPD & what it's like living with a BPD wife. We live in a small town in a rural state. I never dared tell anyone in my family the extent of the chaos. I guess I wanted to protect my wife hoping things would get better. They knew about the various diagnoses, but never had any idea of what our life was like. My housekeepers are the only ones that ever got a glimpse on the inside. I think I need a therapist with strong BPD knowledge to work with me to try and regain some normalcy in my life. It's been a journey & looks like that's going to continue for a while. But, I feel hopeful for my life & my children's. I can say I truly hate those 1,000 yard stares. But I realize those stares aren't mine. I'm just really glad to have found this community.

[Lucky Jim]

I really can't remember the last time I focused on myself, what I want, & what is healthy for me.

Right, that's what happens in a BPD r/s.  I forgot who I was, which was not fun.

Most people surrounding me don't have a clue about BPD & what it's like living with a BPD wife.

So true, because BPD is way beyond the realm of what others have experienced.

I never dared tell anyone in my family the extent of the chaos. I guess I wanted to protect my wife hoping things would get better.

Same here.  Been there, done that.  I encourage you to start talking about it with others, just to keep things in perspective.  A BPD r/s is incredibly isolating.  Your family might surprise you: I bet they suspect that something is not right, because they probably sense that you are not yourself.  Just a guess.  Same for friends.

My housekeepers are the only ones that ever got a glimpse on the inside.

Not surprised.  Those w/BPD are extremely vigilant and savvy about keeping their disorder a secret.  Only the very closest will ever catch a glimpse.  We lived in a small town, too, while married (my Ex still lives there).  My BPDxW has a gregarious side and friends regarded her as the unofficial "Mayor" of our Town.  Little did they know or suspect what the "Mayor" was really like behind closed doors.

So, redfish78, you are not alone, my friend.  It's a rough ride, I know.  The place to start, as I suggested, is with yourself.  It sounds easy, but requires effort.  Keep us posted!

LuckyJim

[OnceConfused]

THere are some tough issues or questions you will have to explore and answer to yourself.

1. Start with the most basic things. I'd like to use the model of love from Dr. Gary Chapman (the five love languages) as a way to seek a happy r.s. Basically for a r.s to thrive and not to die of a premature death, one has to find what make the other person happy and feel loved and then do THOSE THINGS or ACTS. In return, the other person must reciprocate as well. Otherwise, the couple will just exist in misery and not live in love and happiness.

2. Find out your love lan

[redfish78]

Well, I have been doing some reading from a book suggestion I found on this site. I have been reading Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. What a punch in the gut, and at the same time what a relief. I have become horribly codependent in this BPD marriage of 11 years. The book really speaks to me, and has given me a much firmer foothold to cope mentally with my dBPDw's behavior currently. Trying the abbreviations. I've gotten my head around the idea of detaching possibly from the relationship and certainly allowing my wife to own her own behavior and it's consequences. It is very very hard for me letting my wife own her own behavior, and not try and council her and try and fix the situation. She doesn't want to hear anything I say anyway. My parents made me get a very strong pre-nuptial agreement when we married because I am involved in a multi-generational family business. They wanted that protected no matter who I married. So, she knows there is no pot of gold. Not detoured. She seems resided to the fact I am not leaving my children come hell or high water, and still trying to make arrangements for just herself to move out. Not detoured. She still wants to be very involved with them though. I have no idea how she will support herself. My wife has hardly ever worked a day in her life. She doesn't have $3500 of lifetime taxed Social Security earnings and is 34. She only has a little junior college under her belt. She has never lived on her own. She was living with her parents when we married. She has been looking at apartments around a larger metropolitan area about 50 miles from our town. She says how much she hates our town. She asks me questions about if she'll be responsible for her utilities, how much they might run, how much cable T.V. would cost, etc. She never has paid her own bills. This is like a teenager going to move away to college. Her dad who is an attorney in another state told her that she was ruining his life with the amount of stress she was putting him under, that he didn't have any money to help her with a lawyer, and basically to f*$k off. He's the giver of her BPD gift no doubt. SO, she is expecting me to take care of everything legally. She even asked if we could go see the lawyer together. I feel like I have a baby bird in my hand and have to make a choice to put it back in the nest or throw it out. I am very aware of the extent of my codependency on this chaos. Part of me feels like a drunk in a liquor store. But, I have a great peace from realizing I am not responsible for fixing her, and letting her own her behavior and it's ramifications. On the other hand, I have the feeling swell up in my stomach that I need to fix everything, that she and my children are depending on me, that she is just painting me black like so many times in the past and this will pass, etc. Those feelings are like waves of nausea. Strong nausea. I have contacted my old therapist for an appointment. I have told my wife I would like to go to therapy with her. I have told her she has a loving home she doesn't have to leave. I have told her the unhappiness inside her will not disappear with a mere change of venue by moving out. How much of wanting to save my marriage is in my best interest I really struggle with. Keep you posted.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey redfish78, Welcome to the Club!  Most of us Nons who have been in a marriage or r/s with a pwBPD have codependent and/or caretaker tendencies.  It goes with the territory!  Almost impossible to have a r/s with a pwBPD unless you are doing something to quell their inner turmoil, which often means taking on their problems as our own. 

I've gotten my head around the idea of detaching possibly from the relationship and certainly allowing my wife to own her own behavior and it's consequences.

This is progress, in my view.  Detachment, indeed, is extremely helpful, though it takes a while to get the hang of it.  Like anything new, it takes practice.

I can relate to the waves of nausea.  I used to get that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Remember to take deep breaths.  Listen to your gut feelings.  Work on finding your path again.  All of this is easier said than done, I know, yet many of us have been down this road before you.

Keep us posted,

LuckyJim