Frustration

[Reecer1588]

June 4th was my ex's birthday. That hurt enough, it'll be the first birthday of hers I will not have celebrated with her today. Then, today, while I'm surfing on facebook some girl back from my high school made her profile a picture of her and my ex, where my ex is holding the camera! So I blocked this girl and for the first time in about two weeks I'm blocking my ex too. You know what, guys? I am frustrated. I am so freaking frustrated. This is going on ridiculous. I need to be over this girl. She's just some silly girl anyways. She doesn't even attract me any more. Something about the look in her eyes now freaks me out. You know what, guys? If my ex doesn't care, and she doesn't love me, and I am "Painted Black" then fine. Whatever. Good riddens and goodbye. I'm tired of holding onto hope that my ex will contact me in the future. In general I'm just that, tired. I'm tired of the pain. Tired of the misery. Tired of randomly going on facebook and boom out of nowhere there she is. I want her to drop off the face of this Earth and I never want to see her evil face again.

Frankly, I'm tired of her having the upper hand. Tired of her being the one who moved on and has me in the rear-view mirror and couldn't give two F**** about me. I am GOING to even the score here. I will stop caring about her no matter what it takes. Her and I, we'll be on the same page. She hates me, painted me 'black' and I'm going to do the exact same. And I'm going to meet someone new, and someone beautiful, and she'll meet some loser. She will learn the difference between someone like me and some loser, and some loser is EXACTLY what she will end up with. That's her past, that'll be her future. And she will find out the difference. And I'm going to give someone who really cares about me all the love and attention in the world, and I'll get it back. And you know whatsmore? I am GOING to make it known. And A will regret her decision.

I did nothing but love her and try my hardest. And she destroyed me. She doesn't deserve me. She doesn't deserve a loving family, which is exactly what my family tried to be. She deserves her shotty family and she deserves this disorder. Good riddens to her and I hope she ends up twice divorced in a trailer park. No sympathy any more from me.

When my friend told me that the single time he tried to bring me up she just shut him down with "I'm in therapy," I talked about this with someone else, it means that she's not over me. She's not just happy, moved on. If she were, she would be able to talk about me. Be able to say "oh yeah Reece and I dated, it's over now." No. That isn't what she said. She said "I'm in therapy."

Well you know what, I hope she's miserable. I hope she finds some loser who beats the crap out of her because apparently that's exactly what she wants. She wants a loser. She wants white-trash. She wants someone to treat her like crap. Well that's exactly what she will find. Miserable people find other miserable people.

I hate her.

[Reecer1588]

well i hate her and that's how i feel and I'm never letting go of this feeling

she's a stone cold manipulative b___ who cares nothing about anyone except for number one

i hope her life ends in misery and despair

I do not wish her well and I can not let her go with love

I can only let her go with seething hate

I didn't deserve this pain. I didn't deserve to be eliminated. MY family didn't deserve all those calls from her mother.

My mom didn't deserve that attack

i didn't deserve those phone calls

I deserved none of it

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I don't deserve to be painted black. I do not deserve to have my feelings squandered and I do not deserve this silence.

I'm sick and tired of all the posts about 'letting go with love'

That hasn't worked, time for a new approach. Letting go with HATE.

[UserName69]

well i hate her and that's how i feel and I'm never letting go of this feeling

she's a stone cold manipulative b___ who cares nothing about anyone except for number one

i hope her life ends in misery and despair

I do not wish her well and I can not let her go with love

I can only let her go with seething hate

I didn't deserve this pain. I didn't deserve to be eliminated. MY family didn't deserve all those calls from her mother.

My mom didn't deserve that attack

i didn't deserve those phone calls

I deserved none of it

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I don't deserve to be painted black. I do not deserve to have my feelings squandered and I do not deserve this silence.

I'm sick and tired of all the posts about 'letting go with love'

That hasn't worked, time for a new approach. Letting go with HATE.

I really understand the hate you're feeling for your exBPD. Just like you I totally HATE my EXBPD. For me the hate only helped me not missing/loving her. It really helped me to get over her. When I think back about the rs I only see the bad things that actually happened. I decided to use this hate to get over her, I can't nor ever will love or care about her. Hate has motivated me to get over her and enjoy life without her.

After I started to hate her I decided to get rid of everything that reminds me of her, the reason for this was I wanted to move on as I was dating an another girl I had met once I broke up with my crazy exBPD. I have isolated her completely, so for me she is history. But whenever I think about the rs or her I only feel hate and I realize that she is and always is going to be a complete loser.

[Reecer1588]

Thank you for your understanding. Knowing that you understand what I mean... .Know where I'm coming from, it means a lot.

[UserName69]

I know many people her on this board talk about forgiveness. But to be honest pwBPD don't deserve to be forgiven. Forgiveness is only for people who'll never make the same mistake, the one who learn from their errors.

I can't see the point of forgiving a person who doesn't mean it when he/she asks for forgiveness (if they do).

[Circle]

Glad you are getting sick of her bologna! Run with it.

[confusedinWI]

I know many people her on this board talk about forgiveness. But to be honest pwBPD don't deserve to be forgiven. Forgiveness is only for people who'll never make the same mistake, the one who learn from their errors.

I can't see the point of forgiving a person who doesn't mean it when he/she asks for forgiveness (if they do).

I felt and sometimes still feel like you. However forgiveness isn't about our exes it is about us. It us about us cutting the attachment cord and letting go. You are forgiving to move on, trust me I won't ever forget how my ex hurt my children or me. I forgive her and myself so I don't have to be attached to her anchor anymore as she drowns.

Just my two cents

[enlighten me]

My exgf could cope with her exs hating her. She couldnt cope with them being indifferent to her. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin for a pwBPD. It means yiu still have feelings for them and feelings whether positive or negative is what they feed off.

Im not saying you should forgive what they did but the sooner you become indifferent about her the better. You have to go through the anger phase but holding onto it only holds you back.

[FannyB]

Reecer 

You've been stuck in a loop of longing for far too long. I've been genuinely worried about you - as have many on these boards I suspect. If anger gets you over that bump in the road and sets you on the path to getting better - then that's great. Just don't let your hate for her consume you to the extent that your love for her did. Trash her in your mind only, rationalize you dodged a bullet - then move on brother. She really ain't worth a second thought. 

[Reecer1588]

I understand what you mean when you say that love/hate are two sides of the same coin. I especially undersfand it in terms of my personal experience. I believe that my ex knows how I feel. I mean it I believe she knows how her silence effects me. And who it was here that remarked that what I need to do is become indifferent because to my ex love/hate are the same coin... .That's exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for.

So much of me is ready to let it all go. Put her, put this all, behind me. I guess another part of me thinks that she is the real key to my happiness. Only she can make me truly happy. Only she can restore my self confidence.

And my ex is my first true love. And the fact that my first true love hates me, never wants to say another word to me, that THIS is how my first love came to an end, what does it say for my future? What does it say about what is in store for me?

Let me be very clear:

Two of the girls I had sex with in high school ended up pregnant a few months later.

I lost my virginity in a strange sexual offer from a choir mate.

His girlfriend was a nymphomaniac and that's what I lost my virginity to.

And when my ex claim along Well I thought that I had finally found a good girl. A girl who didnmg have a long sexual rap list and someone who loved me and cared about me. I finally found someone! And I fell madly in love with her.

And this... .This is how my first love ends up? Deafening silence with a history of hatred? Everything I thought about her was scheiße. She's a hell of a lot crazier than those other girls.

What's wrong with me? Why is this my history with girls? When is it that reece finally gets a chance at real lasting love with someone? Why is Reece constantly denied this?

Y'all wonder why I struggle so much. Y'all wonder why does Reece seem to fight what is evident tooth and nail... .Well I'll tell you

It's because I'm not able to accept that THIS, That BPD, this situation, this hatred and this silence is how it is supposed to be. She was my first true love after all. I thought that she would be different. She wouldn't be like those other girls. She would really care about me and she wouldn't just want to have sex with me then run off.

But in the end just like every girl before her that is exactly what she did.

Why Am I not worthy of something real?

How can I ever entrust my heart to someone else ever again? How can I ever open up to anyone?

I did it before and look what it got me.

[Reecer1588]

Every girl just comes alongs, uses me then trashes me. Every time.

I have so much love in me and I try very hard to give it but why should I? Every girl who has gotten involved with me just dumps me or chooses someone else.

[Reecer1588]

And when I see her face, Or I remember how it was just her birthday, or I see anything that reminds me of her, horses, Her college (which is EVERYWHERE) I am reminded of how much she hates me. And it hurts so much. I wish it didn't have to be this way. I wish she didn't hate me but she loved me. I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. I tried to make things right. She doesn't care. That's the cruel reality. She doesn't care about me, she never did and she never will. She hates me and that's how it will always be. And that's how my first true love will end up. That's how I will remember it. Shades of hatred and pain.

None of this is right. None of this is fair. I might not be a good person but what did I do to deserve this, what did I did that made me deserve to discarded and eliminated so coldly?

I must be paying my due for something. I must be being punished for something I did.

No amount of logic about this makes me understand any of this.

Apologies for the rant. Long night.

[FannyB]

Every girl just comes alongs, uses me then trashes me. Every time.

I have so much love in me and I try very hard to give it but why should I? Every girl who has gotten involved with me just dumps me or chooses someone else.

Reecer

Not trying to invalidate the depths of your feelings, but as you're a young guy, isn't this just a natural by-product of dating emotionally immature young girls? There's probably people on these boards who hadn't even dated at your age mate, and they're still getting 'done over' by partners who are old enough to be your mother/father. 

The point I'm making is that you're still very young in relationship terms, and prospective partners in your age range may not be looking for anything serious at this juncture.

Time will heal and you will find the woman  of your dreams - it just doesn't happen for many 20 yr olds!

[Reecer1588]

Every girl just comes alongs, uses me then trashes me. Every time.

I have so much love in me and I try very hard to give it but why should I? Every girl who has gotten involved with me just dumps me or chooses someone else.

Reecer

Not trying to invalidate the depths of your feelings, but as you're a young guy, isn't this just a natural by-product of dating emotionally immature young girls? There's probably people on these boards who hadn't even dated at your age mate, and they're still getting 'done over' by partners who are old enough to be your mother/father. 

The point I'm making is that you're still very young in relationship terms, and prospective partners in your age range may not be looking for anything serious at this juncture.

Time will heal and you will find the woman  of your dreams - it just doesn't happen for many 20 yr olds!

Your point is valid. My ex and I used to discuss this very thing. She told me that she would be different. She was real. But she lied. I know, don't cling to the words.

[FannyB]

Your point is valid. My ex and I used to discuss this very thing. She told me that she would be different. She was real. But she lied. I know, don't cling to the words.

She may have not been lying - I think many people of that age don't know who they are let alone what they think!   She may have just been caught up in the moment. Whatever, you know that the old cliche about actions speaking louder than words most definitely rings true!

[enlighten me]

I know it can be lonely but I have decided not to look for a relationship. I just enjoy myself. I dont shy away from women but I make no effort with them. Im happier being single than I was in my last two uBPD relationships. I do stuff when I want and I do what I want. Its kind of liberating. You can learn a lot about yourself when not having to please others.

[Trog]

I understand what you mean when you say that love/hate are two sides of the same coin. I especially undersfand it in terms of my personal experience. I believe that my ex knows how I feel. I mean it I believe she knows how her silence effects me. And who it was here that remarked that what I need to do is become indifferent because to my ex love/hate are the same coin... .That's exactly the kind of thing I'm looking for.

So much of me is ready to let it all go. Put her, put this all, behind me. I guess another part of me thinks that she is the real key to my happiness. Only she can make me truly happy. Only she can restore my self confidence.

And my ex is my first true love. And the fact that my first true love hates me, never wants to say another word to me, that THIS is how my first love came to an end, what does it say for my future? What does it say about what is in store for me?

Let me be very clear:

Two of the girls I had sex with in high school ended up pregnant a few months later.

I lost my virginity in a strange sexual offer from a choir mate.

His girlfriend was a nymphomaniac and that's what I lost my virginity to.

And when my ex claim along Well I thought that I had finally found a good girl. A girl who didnmg have a long sexual rap list and someone who loved me and cared about me. I finally found someone! And I fell madly in love with her.

And this... .This is how my first love ends up? Deafening silence with a history of hatred? Everything I thought about her was scheiße. She's a hell of a lot crazier than those other girls.

What's wrong with me? Why is this my history with girls? When is it that reece finally gets a chance at real lasting love with someone? Why is Reece constantly denied this?

Y'all wonder why I struggle so much. Y'all wonder why does Reece seem to fight what is evident tooth and nail... .Well I'll tell you

It's because I'm not able to accept that THIS, That BPD, this situation, this hatred and this silence is how it is supposed to be. She was my first true love after all. I thought that she would be different. She wouldn't be like those other girls. She would really care about me and she wouldn't just want to have sex with me then run off.

But in the end just like every girl before her that is exactly what she did.

Why Am I not worthy of something real?

How can I ever entrust my heart to someone else ever again? How can I ever open up to anyone?

I did it before and look what it got me.

Reecer

You need to take back your power here. Life isn't about magical first loves and losing virginities to perfect girls. You had sex with a girl as your first who was a 'nymphomaniac', the way you describe it is like you had no choice in it. The same goes for your BPD ex, yes, these are not very nice people and many of us have gone along with it for 'a quiet life' , 'great sex' or 'FOG'. If you are truly sick of feeling bad then turn the lens around because no one can do anything to you that you're not allowing. That includes ignoring you. By that I mean, you'll need to arrive to indifference. Anger is a stage to pass through but don't hold onto it as long as I did!

You have the power to change this story from something done to you, to an experience that helped you become a better man, hating and vowing revenge will not be the way you arrive there.

If it feels impossible, here's a tip I use, whenever I start going through the same old story in my mind with my ex-wife I will stop myself, and think about me and my role in it. Not to blame myself, and I've gone too far at times blaming myself, but to try to see how your actions led to being in the situation with your ex. Immediately you will feel better because it gives you back CONTROL, and lack of control is making you anxious and angry. Take the focus off her and you will feel better in minutes, I guarantee it.

Anyway, you are clearly super hurt and it's ok, you have every right to feel hurt, it is incredibly painful to be cut off from someone who you trusted with your heart. But you will get thru this, and that girl you mention, the one you're gonna be super happy with and then let your ex know about it? Believe me, you won't let your ex know about it, because you won't give a damn, you'll be too happy loved up with the future Mrs Reecer.

[disillusionedandsore]

Reecer,  I can tell you are in so much pain and mental anguish and it just doesn't go away... .That's the beeetch of this... .May I reflect back to you a few things you've said?  You said you know you are a good person, you know you dont deserve to be hated,  you know you are only 'guilty'  of loving her,  trusting her and believing in her and the potential of your relationship... .all this is TRUE,  you are a good guy,  it makes no sense... .You may think you need her to validate that presumably like she did in the beginning,  the sad truth is she is not able to,  for anyone,  not even herself... .You however know your worth,  you know you 20 years... .You know you are nothing like her projections,  that's her stuff mate,  nothing to do with you... .It is a persecution disorder.  What helped me in moments of sheer pain like this was reminding myself that it is not personal,  he does not get the final say on who I am,  he,  nor the relationship get to define me... .Does that make sense? You are learning a powerful lesson about what is real love (as we all are). I knew nothing about BPD... .At least now I know... .I am still for the time being disillusioned and sore! It stinks but relationships arent everything... .I made a list of all the qualities I thought I saw in my ex... .Guess what? I had them!  He didn't... .Dating,  hooking up and relationships are hard,  we can get very hurt... .I'm ancient (44!)  and I am only learning how to discern a good character from a shallow one and how to protect my precious BiG heart 

[UserName69]

Dude I'm in my mid-twenties so both of us are young. Don't let her get you, really believe me on this one there are so many single girls who are willing to date you. I hate my exBPD too but I really don't want to spend a lot of time in it. She will always be an unhappy person and all her relations will be messed up.

The first time is never special. I really can't believe who made this bs up? It's a fantasy thing, people who expect too much of their first time will be disapointed.

Yes you will find and love an another girl. Your exBPD is just a sicko and always will be. Normal girls are way better. I have been dating a girl now and I really can't believe I used to be with my exBPD.

You need to have fun, go out, start new hobbies, try to keep your self busy with activities you enjoy. I'm having a lot of fun and I'm starting to realise that the breakup was the best thing happened to me. I'm glad she isn't a part of my life anymore.

[Suzn]

I'm sorry you're going through all of this Reecer. First loves are usually painful for everyone. This is a time when we are getting to know ourselves, our limits and hopefully start learning about setting boundaries for ourselves. (Hopefully we had parents that helped us learn a little about boundaries as children.)

There's probably people on these boards who hadn't even dated at your age mate, and they're still getting 'done over' by partners who are old enough to be your mother/father. 

This is very true. This can happen when we have few skills in setting boundaries for ourselves and have few coping skills which can cause us to struggle with being alone. If we are more concerned about being IN a relationship than NOT being in an unhealthy one we can ignore the early flags. Actions do speak louder than words, we have to pay attention to actions without blinders on.

Reecer I'm glad you found these boards at such a young age, the lessons are valuable and can help you with future relationships.

Have you had a chance to check out this article?

Article 15: The Characteristics of Healthy Relationships