Presenting the settlement offer

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Headed to see the stbx uBPDw (voice recorder in pocket) at the house in a bit. I have a settlement offer in hand, and all my pre-marriage account balances.

The offer is a little more than I'd prefer in terms of dollars, but it's structured in the best way possible for me to recover. It also provides incentive for her to get on a plane. It's also fair (read: generous) enough that any local lawyer will almost assuredly advise her to take it and run.

It's not something that can be signed... .It's literally handwritten, but I can direct the L to draft a real one in no time flat. The goal today is to get her to buy a ticket. The L and I will work the legal aspects once she has a ticket and heads out of town. In this state a divorce can be accomplished easily with one person refusing to sign. And with her out of state on a restricted budget, this will sail through (it's very fair) if she contests and asks for more.

She claims to have her stuff packed and ready to ship, and she asked to move up tonight's meeting to get it over with. She wants to go home, and her getting there (and me getting back into the house) is priority number one.

Wish me luck!

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

Headed to see the stbx uBPDw (voice recorder in pocket) at the house in a bit. I have a settlement offer in hand, and all my pre-marriage account balances.

The offer is a little more than I'd prefer in terms of dollars, but it's structured in the best way possible for me to recover. It also provides incentive for her to get on a plane. It's also fair (read: generous) enough that any local lawyer will almost assuredly advise her to take it and run.

It's not something that can be signed... .It's literally handwritten, but I can direct the L to draft a real one in no time flat. The goal today is to get her to buy a ticket. The L and I will work the legal aspects once she has a ticket and heads out of town. In this state a divorce can be accomplished easily with one person refusing to sign. And with her out of state on a restricted budget, this will sail through (it's very fair) if she contests and asks for more.

She claims to have her stuff packed and ready to ship, and she asked to move up tonight's meeting to get it over with. She wants to go home, and her getting there (and me getting back into the house) is priority number one.

Wish me luck!

Gomez

[livednlearned]

Good luck! She has motivations to go home, too -- that's good.

Curious to hear how it goes. Hopefully you have one of less high-conflict divorces. 

[bravhart1]

Hope it went well, is there an update?

[gomez_addams]

Hope it went well, is there an update?

Sorry for the delay.

It went very well. She negotiated a change in how it's paid... .Which changed nothing, but she "won" in her mind. We go to sign the settlement on Friday, along with some other legal paperwork that will allow me to file, her to leave, and no room for shenanigans on her part. Basically, after Friday I can file and ram home the paperwork and a delay does not cost me. The settlement is generous enough that any judge in the state will sign off... .But I can recover in roughly two years.

One scary note: when discussing how a court process would work she said that if lawyers are involved she'd be bringing up the "emotional abuse, and other things... ." Didn't JADE. Just acknowledged that she said it. Tried my best to not appear affected by it. Just tried to keep things rolling. I have no idea what "other things" could be, and I shudder. Voice recorder was and will be running.

Thank the Lord I will be done with this woman.

She's now harping on getting her stuff shipped immediately, which I try to explain that money is an issue this month, but I can ship it next month. No answer is good enough for her, and I have a back-up plan of she decided to get stubborn come singing time on Friday. If she reneges on signing, the offer diminishes, with further drops until we get down to the bare bones property division. (She's getting a good deal; I'm paying to expedite and cut ties... .If that doesn't happen, I won't pay that amount)

If all goes well I'll be buying her a ticket soon.

I'll post more updates,

Gomez

[bravhart1]

Glad it went well. You seem confident and that's huge. If she sidelines it so she can keep the drama going just continue to do what you do.

Our BPDm likes to drop those weird bombshell, I have some dirt on you threats when feeling like she is losing control. We don't even acknowledge she says it. We know what's going on and who is acting in the best interest of the children.

The ONE thing I know for sure is that if she had anything concrete to use against you, she would have had it in skywriting by now. Not that they don't make up I stuff on a on going basis, but there is nothing real or she would have played that card already. No impulse control remember?

[gomez_addams]

The ONE thing I know for sure is that if she had anything concrete to use against you, she would have had it in skywriting by now. Not that they don't make up I stuff on a on going basis, but there is nothing real or she would have played that card already. No impulse control remember?

This is a great reminder.

Besides, there's a ton of leverage after the paperwork is signed, but the divorce paperwork is not yet filled. Because the big fat paycheck starts after the judge signs. Which starts with her buying a plane ticket.

Gomez

[gomez_addams]

The one battle I'm going to have is getting her on an airplane home.

I believe she's going to drag this out.

Financially, there's two pieces of paper that she will hopefully sign on Friday. With a settlement and an uncontested decree signed (in the presence of the L) there's nothing she can do to force more money or stop the divorce. However, getting her to move out might be tough.

Nuclear option: it's month to month. I get a new pad, movers move my stuff to new pad, and I (if L advises) cancel the lease. Joint account is closed. I pay the last months rent on the apartment. Even if she went to court for temp support, it'll be less than rent, electric, car insurance, etc... .Her choices would be get a job or get a free ticket home.

But I'd rather she just go home, and I go back to my place.

Any advice on how to ease the stbx uBPDw into leaving by the time I need to vacate my rental room? I can stay here roughly another month... .But seriously. Aside from the financial leverage (next paycheck goes to my personal account) how do I get her on an airplane by the Fourth of July at the latest?

Gomez

[livednlearned]

When someone manipulative knows what you want (ie. what are you hungry for), they will exploit that need to further their own agenda, whether that agenda makes rational sense or not.

You have to either focus on getting another place and let this apartment go -- detach from it so that it's not a need she can exploit. Or else bluff.

Tell her the lease is up end of month and you are moving to a new place, and you will be taking your name off the lease and removing your furniture etc. on day/date.

Be prepared to do it, though. An empty bluff is not a good idea when it comes to where you're living.

[gomez_addams]

Thanks.

Heading to the L's office to (hopefully) sign the settlement in a little bit.

Also have at least one appointment to see an apartment this weekend. Will try to find a few places and be prep'd to move out.

Gomez

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Thinking of you and wishing you the best.   You seem/feel very resolved which leads me to think you will succeed.   Maybe not with the small "a" agenda of where you live but certainly with your big "A"  agenda of finally breaking free.   Congratulations on getting to this point and let us know how it goes!