Story of a broken heart Part 1

[bluemillion]

I have come to this site numerous times. I have wanted to tell my story but hesitated. I didn't think I was ready. Until now. I read in the instructions that if I didn't know what to say, to just post an introduction and go from there. I'm not sure how many words I'm allowed in this post, so I apologize before hand if it is a little long. I have asked myself so many times "where do I start?" So I guess I will start from the beginning and let the chips fall where they may. I am going to use fake names in my story out of privacy and respect for the woman that I still love very deeply. Even now. I started a new job for a finance company and I had been there a few days. I was married at the time and had recently separated from my wife. It was amicable. We hardly ever fought or argued and were still able to talk as friends after we separated. it was just one of those things where we grew apart and things just didn't work out. At my job, there was a intercom that people would use to ask someone to call a certain extension. I had heard what I thought was someone calling my name David, to call ext 023. I picked up the phone and dialed and a woman answered. I asked if someone had asked me to call and I heard a click. I called back thinking that the line had cut out, and realized on the second call that this woman had actually hung up on me. I asked the person sitting next to me who this woman was hanging up on people which I found to be unprofessional. He laughed and said don't worry about it man. . So I dropped the issue and soon forgot about the incident and continued with work. About 2 hours later, I felt a presence at my desk and looked up. That was the first time that I saw Angela. Angela was a full figured Latina with long black hair to the middle of her back. She was absolutely beautiful to me. She introduced herself, took my hand and apologized for hanging up on me, stating that she was trying to get a different person on the line named Derick and that it didn't come across clearly on the intercom. There was something about the way she was looking at me, like she wanted me to know that she was attracted to me. People were in the background chuckling to themselves because Angela was overweight. But I didn't care about that because I find large women or BBW's attractive. In the months that followed, I got to know different people in the office and eventually settled in with a circle of friends with Angela included. I became friends with her and she would frequently ask me to go out with them and her, but I declined, telling her than I am separated and I didn't want to get involved with with anyone until my divorce was final. We continued being friends and I never told her that I was attracted to her but I guess she could tell that I was anyway. One day we were talking about home theater equipment and she asked if I could come to her apartment to set up her stereo, which I agreed. When I got there, she invited me in and had dinner waiting for me as payment for setting up her stereo. As time went on, I eventually fell in love and there was no turning back. I had never felt like this about anyone else in my life. Ever. We started going out, but I relented to having sex with her. I was so overwhelmed with my feelings for her that I remembered thinking to myself that making love to her would surely give me a heart attack. One day, we were sitting on her couch and she started telling me about the people at her job and how mean they were and she started crying. I asked her what was wrong and she sobbed that they were all just so stupid. we held each other sitting on the couch, but I still refused to have sex even though I knew that I could have at this point if I initiated it. After a few more weeks of talking, and getting closer, I finally told Angela that I had in fact fallen in love with her. She smiled at me and signaled for me to come closer like she wanted to whisper something in my ear. And that is when I kissed her for the first time. I remembered this rush coming over me and how soft her lips were. I still remember that kiss to this day. At that point, we started talking about moving in together. It had been about 3 months at this point, and I was living with a roommate at the time temporarily until I got my own apartment. Angela told me that I might as well move in with her instead of moving into a place and wasting rent. So I agreed. After moving my stuff in, things were great. We drove to work together, cooked dinner together, did every thing together and I absolutely loved it. We were sleeping together in the same bed, but at this point, I still had not had sexual intercourse with her. Then, that weekend, it happened. It was the most incredible sex that I think I ever had. It felt so deep and connected with her. After having sex, that's when things started to change. We had gone over a friends house for a BBQ and she got a little tipsy. When we were leaving, everyone was standing around saying goodbye and joking around. She asked one of our friends if he wanted to have her bra to sleep with. I was furious. I couldn't believe that she would do that right in front of me. I didn't say anything and decided that we would talk about it when we got home. That night we went to sleep and I didn't initiate sex because I was pissed. I had decided to confront her about this the next morning when we were both sober. When I brought it up, at first she denied that it had happened, like she was too drunk to remember or something. Then she got mad at me for questioning her about it and said that she was only playing around if she did in fact do that. I was terribly confused by this behavior. I had never had someone act this way. Eventually I cooled off to this, but I never forgot about it. That was my first red flag I guess, and I didn't even realize it. Things were cool for the most part after that. We had a few minor disagreements but nothing out of the ordinary. We continued on with our relationship and then one day she asked me to go out and celebrate cinco de mayo. That night when we came back, we made love. I had run out of condoms and her doctor told us not to have sex without a condom for at least 30 days until her new birth control could kick in. I told her that I would pull out. ! Of course I did not in the heat of passion, and what do you know, about 6 weeks later, we found out she was pregnant. I knew that it was too soon for us to have a child together. everything had been moving so fast up to this point and I hadn't even realized it. Angela asked me what I thought about her being pregnant, and included the fact that she was catholic and they did not believe in abortions. I wanted to tell her that it was too soon for us to have a child together but I knew that it would crush her if I even mentioned an abortion. When I told her that we were going to keep it, She immediately jumped to life and called her mom and told all of her friends on Facebook that she was pregnant and that we were having a baby! That's when I knew something was off for sure. I just didn't know "what" was off yet. I had known this woman only 6 months and she was acting like that from being pregnant. And that was actually the beginning of our demise. I had my first raging experience with her when she said that we needed to move into a bigger place because her one bedroom apartment was too small. She wanted to move into a 175K condo, and I knew that our salaries would not support it. I asked her to reconsider and for us to look at something that was in a lower price range. She blew up and started screaming at the top of her lungs. She started throwing stuff and everything. I was completely shocked. I asked her why she was screaming at the top of her lungs at me and she said that I was the one screaming at her. I remembered the bra incident and feeling that same weird feeling like What the heck? Like how could she actually think that I was the one screaming? I remembered thinking that this was somehow a joke and that she was going to tell me that she was pranking me or something. But she quickly snapped me out of it when she very seriously slammed the bedroom door hard enough to knock the pictures off the wall. This is when I started trying to figure out what was wrong with this woman. I remembered trying to talk to my close friends and bringing up her behavior and asking them what they thought it could be. They all seemed very confused by what I was trying to describe and I was left feeling like no one in the world was going to understand this. So I kept it to myself. In the weeks and months that followed, Angela became focused on our child and started collaborating with her mother about baby clothes, the future, where "she" was going to live and giving very little thought to me at that point. I remember distinctly her not wanting any input from me at all. The arguments were getting more frequent now, and I noticed that it became easier to shout at me at the top of her lungs. We finally settled on a new condo to move into that was 102K instead of the 175k that she originally wanted. After moving in, and getting settled for the baby, My daughter was born. By this time, we had been together for a little over a year. This was my first child so everything was new to me. But even though things were new, I kind of suspected that things were not supposed to go like what I am about to tell you all. I started to notice, right after my daughter was born, that Angela wanted to limit any time that I had with her. Like she would only let me hold her for a few minutes while she took a shower, or if she was eating, and then she would immediately take her back. She would not let me feed her, change her diapers, or anything. I thought this was odd. I remembered thinking that maybe she is just so happy with our baby that she doesn't want me to have her or something. But I started asking different dads at work how it was with their wives or girlfriends when they had their first child. None of them agreed with my situation and all of them said that they were allowed to hold their newborns as much as they wanted. This behavior continued with Angela, and we got into frequent arguments when I would ask her about her not wanting me to essentially bond with my child. Then one day she dropped the following bomb shell: She told me that in fact, she only needed me to stay with her until our daughter was 12 or 13 and then I could leave if I wanted. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, and when I pressed her about it, she said she was only joking. Time continued on for us, and the arguments got worse. One day we got into an argument on my birthday. We were supposed to go to see my parents. They were going to meet Angela and their new grand child. I can't even remember what we were arguing about, but I do remember trying to leave and having my first violent experience with Angela. She would grab me and push her weight against me to try and keep me from leaving the house when we would argue. Remember, she was a heavyset woman. I remember being really scared that she was going to do something crazy, and going into our bedroom and locking the door. I called 911 and told the operator that I was being physically assaulted by my girlfriend. When the cops came, they didn't take my situation very seriously and they refused to remove her from our home. They told us to just stop talking, or that I could find somewhere to go that night and promptly left. Then she would start up again. Throwing and breaking stuff and acting crazy until our daughter woke up crying. I called the police 2 more times that night. Then I called her mother. I told her what Angela was doing and both of her parents promptly came over. Her mother yelled at her, asked her what the hell she is doing and slapped her. That was the only thing that calmed Angela down. Apparently she was still scared of her mother. In the months that followed, I started noticing that when Angela and myself would get into arguments, it would always be over some childish behavior that she was engaging in, like her calling off work too much, or paying our bills late and letting late charges accrue. Each time, it would start off as a calm discussion, and then turn into her screaming and yelling and her just saying all kinds off off the wall stuff to me that had nothing to do with our original discussion. I remember I would ask her why she is always yelling and screaming at me, and she would turn it around and say I was screaming at her. If I asked her not to call off work so much, she would turn it around and say that I had called off too in the past. Then she would grab her car keys and abruptly leave for an hour or so and then come back calm. When I asked her where she went, she would tell me that she went to her parents house. When I would ask her why she went to her parents house she would just say that she went for a visit and to clear her head. Soon after these visits to her parents house after every spat, I noticed that her parents started really disliking me but no one would say why. I asked Angela to tell me what she was telling her parents and she wouldn't tell me. And that is when everything went really far south and I knew that we were heading for a breakup. I started just not saying anything to her anymore about the stuff that she would do in the relationship that bothered me. It now felt like there was something different about us. She would keep her friends separate and I wasn't really able to interact with them, but she knew all of my friends and would be really nice and sweet to all of them. She would befriend all of my friends on Facebook, yet I was not friends with any of her friends. I then started noticing that her friends stopped liking me too, with that same pattern of not really knowing what she was telling them about me. Our relationship had turned into me being separate and not being a part of her and her friends personal relationships and also with her family. At this point I started feeling isolated. and depressed. My daughter and I

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[bluemillion]

Part 2

didn't feel close because she kept me from bonding with her. It was like she was trying to shut me off from her friends, her family, and my daughter. Eventually my daughter stopped liking me and all she would see is me and her mom yelling and fighting all of the time. My daughter grew up believing that I was bad somehow and I know that it was because of her mother. When my daughter turned 4 I got my second bombshell. I was at work, and Angela called me and told me that my daughter was in the emergency room with a fever of 104. I left my job and rushed to the hospital. When I got there, we were sitting by her bedside. My daughter was asleep. The lights were off, and then Angela said: David, God is going to strike me down for thinking this. I said "what are you talking about?" She said: "I was sitting here looking at our daughter before I called you." "I was secretly praying to God that she would die so that you and I could spend more time together." I remembered feeling dizzy. I didn't say anything to Angela. All I knew was that I absolutely could not believe what I was hearing, and absolutely knowing that something was seriously wrong with my child's mother without a shadow of a doubt. She asked me to promise to never tell anyone while sobbing uncontrollably. I agreed that I wouldn't tell anyone and told her that I loved her. At this point, I was panicked and terrified. I got on the internet and I googled these exact words: "Girlfriend arguing and turning everything around on you." and "Everything is the opposite of what she says" And I swear those words brought me directly to this site. Suddenly I was reading about Borderline Personality disorder and having these articles describe my relationship to a fricking T and being bewildered at how someone could describe my girlfriend with such astonishing accuracy. Right down to exact words and phrases that she would say. But even after learning this new information, I still refused to stay away from her. Because I love her you know? In time the raging became a little less severe and then the interactions with other men started. always just enough where I knew something wasn't right, but not quite enough to catch her red handed. One night we went out to a bar with all of my and her friends. We were running a little low on cash so I asked her to keep our drinks to a manageable number. She agreed. When we got to the bar, the first thing she does is order a full round of drinks for all of our friends! Everyone was toasting and smiling but me. I was boiling inside. How could she go and do that when I had just told her that we were low on funds. I approached her and asked her about it and an argument ensued. She said that someone else had ordered everyone a round of drinks, so she felt like she had to show her gratitude by ordering a round of drinks herself. What kind of sense does that make? Out of all 12 of us, she was the only one that felt it necessary to show gratitude by ordering everyone a round of drinks. Why not just pay the person back that ordered the first round by buying THEM a drink? That's how all of our arguments were. Completely illogical on her part, and then yelling and screaming at me for bringing it up. When we left the bar, we came back to our house and everyone had continued a sort of after-party I guess. I was in the house and I was wondering where my girlfriend was so I walked outside and went into the garage. When I opened the door, Angela and my best friend at the time were in the garage standing facing each other, and they both Jumped at the door being opened. I remembered my girlfriend being drunk and having this stupid drunken grin on her face. What did I just see? Whatever it was, I wish that I could have opened the door more softly in hind site so that I could have caught them in the act. I asked her what they were doing and she said nothing! just talking! Man I was stupid back then. I went back into the house and didn't even think anything more about that incident until a full 2 weeks later. I was sitting in my office, and I was wondering why my best friend had not called me or contacted me for 2 weeks. I asked Angela, Hey did you notice that Bill has not called me in 2 weeks? I wonder what is going on with him? I thought it odd so I called his cell phone and he answered and his voice was all shaky. He said Dave i'm going to call you right back okay! and quickly hung up. (It still had not added up to me yet believe it or not) I had grown impatient after 15 minutes and was in the process of calling bill back when Angela comes in and "has something to tell me" She explained that when they were in the garage 2 weeks ago, that she had been telling him about the round of drinks incident at the bar, and that she had been crying because she was hurt by our argument and that bill had gone in to comfort her, she said she felt uncomfortable and then he wrapped his arms around her butt. and then the next thing she knew he was kissing her and then the door opened and she was startled by it. She told me that she hadn't done anything and that he was pursuing her.

[bluemillion]

Part 3

I was breathing fire. I asked her why she waited 2 F&%ing weeks to tell me. She said that she was afraid of what I might do to him. What was I going to do to him? and why would she be worried about that anyway? And that was our second breakup. I packed all of my stuff up and moved in with my brother. After about a week Angela called and apologized profusely, said she would do anything to get me to come back, but stood by her story that she had nothing to do with the bill incident and that it was all him. I eventually came back, but never really believed her story.We stayed together, arguing and fighting here and there, and kind of just settled into a routine. We would get into shouting matches and then things would cool down for a few weeks. Another argument, and then things would cool down for a month. And then, another major blow up fight where I decided to leave again. I was now driving for a logistics company, so I was able to leave the house for long stretches to get away from the abusive behavior. One night, I came back from being on the road for a week and a half. I had told Angela that I thought it was time for us to call it quits for good. When I came into the house, she was crying and holding a bottle of prescription pills. She said that she was going to take them and that she was going to just kill herself to relieve me of all of my misery. She popped the whole bottle of pills in her mouth and I immediately called 911. The ambulance came QUICKLY. I had never seen them get to anyone's house so fast. Angela was put into a psych ward after they pumped her stomach. While she was gone, I told her parents that she needed to come live with them and that I was done. Her father agreed. Her mother came over and asked if she could take my daughter to church with her. I agreed to that as well. The next day I called to come get my daughter  and her parents told me that I wasn't getting her back. I reminded them that this was kidnapping and that I would be calling the police. They then, changed their tune, and gave my daughter back. Angela got released from the Psych ward after 4 days and they had decided that she was no longer suicidal. I have no idea what she told them about us and our relationship. Soon after that her parents decided that they were moving back to California. Angela told me that they wanted to be closer to their family being natives to California, but in hind site, I think they did it to get us separated from each other. (Angela is 40 years old at this point by the way). I'm sure that Angela told them some incredulous story about me being abusive and mean to her because her parents absolutely started hating me at this point. It wasn't long before Angela was able to explain to me that our problems were behind us and that she missed me and wanted me to move to California to be with her and our daughter and for a new start. Suddenly (from what she claimed) her parents didn't really hate me, that it was all in my head like everything else and convinced me to move. I made preparations, quit my job and moved to California to start school for a new career. Once there, things were great for about 2 weeks and then she started in on me again. But now it was worse, because I was living with Angela and her parents in THEIR home and could not just pick up and leave. I was totally dependent upon them as a full time student with no job, and no family to rely on all the way across the country. Angela became more emboldened in her yelling at me. It was almost like she was trying to show off in front of her parents. I remembered going into our room and closing the door and becoming very frightened at what could happen to me. Here I was all the way across the United states from Indiana, and absolutely no one to rely on. I also found it strange that her parents never said one word to Angela about the way she would scream and talk down to me. I decided to keep my head down, keep my mouth closed and try to finish school, but I told myself that as soon as I was done with school, I would leave and never return. I sank into a horrible depression throughout my time with Angela and her parents. I became withdrawn, and sullen. I would stay in my room all day, claiming that I needed to study, then retreat to school. It felt good when I was in school. I could concentrate on my studies, and not worry about the dynamics of home until I had to return at least. Angela got a full time job while we were living there and we settled into a nice routine where I hardly spent anytime with her. Then one day another argument. This time it was because I didn't care about her or my daughter and I never spent time with them and never wanted to go anywhere. It was getting close to the time for me to graduate and I decided one last time to plead with Angela to just try to see my side of things. I told myself that if it didn't work, that I would leave one day secretly to avoid any violence. After another screaming match with absolutely no way of possibly working things out with Angela, I contacted my ex wife who agreed to wire money for a plane ticket. I made the mistake of leaving my email account open. Angela saw the email and read through it. She declared that I was cheating on her and was going to get back with my ex wife and blew her top. The cat was out of the bag. She threw me out of the house, and I ended up having to get money wired to me for a hotel so that I could stay the extra week to graduate. I then flew back to Indiana and knew that it was over. I was sitting at my PC one day and just decided to look at our cell phone bill which was still in both of our names. I looked at the call logs and saw a telephone number that kept coming up with texts lasting all day and halfway through the night. I googled the number and found out that it was some guy that she was working with. she had been texting this guy and going to lunch with him for at least 6 months. While I was still in California living with her. When she started telling me that she wanted us to get back together, I brought up the texts. It was the same story. That she hadn't done anything. That he was pursuing her and that she didn't even know that he was hitting on her until he started asking her what her favorite sex position was. What guy that you work with at a bank with full HR access is going to feel comfortable enough to just come out and ask a woman that he works with about sex positions without fearing that she will go to HR? Needless to say, eventually, we talked it out. Angela apologized and soon was on her way back to Indiana with a transfer from her job in Cali. To this day I have no idea if she slept with him or not. All I have to go on is what she told me. So back in Indiana, we are about to start our life over once again. Things are great for a month and then it's back to the same old same old. But now things are different. It has been 10 years that we have been going through this and now we are getting old. There is no more violence. She just doesn't feel like doing that anymore I guess. Now it is just silence and not talking for days at a time. and no sex. The arguing and blow ups aren't as frequent or severe but no less are still occurring nonetheless. Finally, I sink back into isolation. Angela is keeping her passwords to emails and Facebook secret and telling me all the while that she isn't doing anything behind my back. One day an old friend that I used to work with sends me a friend request. It is a female that I knew before meeting Angela. We catch up on what has been going on in each other's lives and it is not long before I am confiding in my old friend about the trials of my relationship. That was a mistake. I should not have done it, because soon, I find myself getting close to this other person when I should be feeling that way with the woman that I love which is Angela. I start talking and sending texts and then eventually the conversation becomes inappropriate. Here I am doing the same thing to her that she has done to me. Angela gets into my phone, reads the texts and is furious. She absolutely will not let it go. I tell her that I know I'm wrong and apologize. She tells me how much I have broken her heart and how could I betray her in such a way. This goes on for months until we sink into a level of dysfunction that requires me to leave yet again. But this time it is not her fault. At least the cheating part. Although I never had sex with this woman, I still feel like it was emotional cheating because the texts were inappropriate on my part. I fully apologize to Angela and tell her that this one is on me. She is crying and sobbing and recounts the texts that she read over and over again. I feel like crap. Then we decide that we are going to go and get counseling this time and that we will finally be okay you know, because this is different. we are going to get counseling. And this is was the exact state of our relationship, until My girlfriend informed me that she slept with one of her exes. I ask her why she would do that after telling me that she loved me and that we were going to get counseling. She said that she just needed some excitement. And that she doesn't know why. that I was not paying enough attention to her. And that she thinks that she isn't in love with me anymore. Then she calls back crying and telling me that she was just being mean and that she really does just love only me and that we need help. So that is what prompted me to write this extra amazingly long introduction. Friends. My name is David. This is not my real name because I have changed it to respect other peoples privacy. I am passionate about my relationship with Angela. I have summarized a 15.5 year relationship and by no means do I want to project an image that it is all her and none me. Although my testimony sounds harsh, there are many many months and years of happiness in their as well. I like to try and be fair as much as I possibly can so I will share some good points about Angela. Somehow, even through all of this, I know that she truly loves me. She does care for me and frequently does nice things for me. She takes me out to dinner and pays for it often, She has a great sense of humor and we do talk on a deep intellectual level about subjects such as my father's passing and her mother's passing. I don't know how to describe how I know that she loves me but I do. I am seeking advice on how to get us on the couch of a Licensed counselor that specializes in BPD. Angela is willing and wants us to take this step. I feel that I have to explore this with her and find out if there is hope for us or not. Can anyone chime in and give me any advice on my testimony, or let me know what the next step is? Or after reading this, if you decide that there probably is no hope at all. I don't know where I stand. Please Help... .

[Turkish]

Hello bluemillion,

That is certainly an interesting story. You've spent a lot of time processing the past 15 years. I'll give you credit for following your heart (your family) from state-to-state. It's good that her more extreme behaviors have lessened. Do you attribute any of that to changes in the way you intetact with her? Screaming isn't fun for anyone, especially for a child to witness it. I was there a few times, too.

Have you been reading the Lessons on the Staying Board? Like:

Arguing - don't engage

The Do's and Don'ts for a BP relationship

There may also be a cultural component to this as well. I was also hardly allowed to touch (certainly not to bathe) our first child for the first few months. If the baby cried, I "did something" to it. A lot of the anxiety came directly from her mother. Partly a family dynamic, and partly cultural, and my Ex is a first generation immigrant (Latina as well).

It sounds hopeful that your Angel is willing to take steps with you to improve your r/s. That's very hopeful. Whether it's BPD, some mix of cultural issues, or emotional immaturity in general, it's a great step in improving your family's r/s. Where does your daughter fit into all of this and how is she doing? I hope to hear more, bluemillion.

Turkish

[an0ught]

Welcome bluemillion,

you really poured your heart out 

I am passionate about my relationship with Angela. I have summarized a 15.5 year relationship and by no means do I want to project an image that it is all her and none me. Although my testimony sounds harsh, there are many many months and years of happiness in their as well. I like to try and be fair as much as I possibly can so I will share some good points about Angela. Somehow, even through all of this, I know that she truly loves me. She does care for me and frequently does nice things for me. She takes me out to dinner and pays for it often, She has a great sense of humor and we do talk on a deep intellectual level about subjects such as my father's passing and her mother's passing. I don't know how to describe how I know that she loves me but I do. I am seeking advice on how to get us on the couch of a Licensed counselor that specializes in BPD. Angela is willing and wants us to take this step. I feel that I have to explore this with her and find out if there is hope for us or not. Can anyone chime in and give me any advice on my testimony, or let me know what the next step is? Or after reading this, if you decide that there probably is no hope at all. I don't know where I stand. Please Help... .

First things first. The relationship drama can't be fixed. You two on the couch together - better do it alone than with a marriage counselor (MC usually does not help much, individual T is needed). She can't be fixed. What can be fixed is you getting again your feet on the ground, being less affected and then becoming a stabilizing factor for the relationship and then her.

It is her choice - and it needs her commitment to work - to seek out help. She may get motivated by you communicating more in a validating manner, being forced to reflect on herself by being confronted with your boundaries or being motivated by you seeking out a T for yourself.

The most significant short term improvements your are getting are by working here on the board through individual issues one by one as they come up.

Again ,

a0