Feeling stuck

[cmac527]

I feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place.  My mom has BPD. She has a tendency to really lose it around big family events.  Well, my youngest brother is getting married on Friday and it feels like my mom has just set off a bomb.  She started by verbally abusing my sister-in-law which made my oldest brother so angry that he has decided to completely cut ties with her.  Then, over the weekend she got angry with my dad and contacted all of his friends and sent them mean texts saying that my dad was cheating and doing horrible things. I know my dad well enough to know that this is not true.  This is also not the first time she has attacked him like this.  My dad is now so upset that he is separating from my mom.  He does not want to pursue a divorce because the last time he tried, my mom was constantly accusing my dad of awful, and untrue, things. She called the police at least twice a week on him. My mom and I recently have fought as well so I have been trying to avoid her until things calm down. She is fighting with all of her brothers and sisters and her parents.  I'm feeling stuck because I'm worried about her safety.  On top of having BPD she has a life threatening illness. She tends to stop taking her medication for her illness when she gets like this and ends up in the emergency room.  I've tried to contact her to make sure she is okay but she hasn't answered me. I'm scared to go over to her apartment because I don't want her to verbally abuse me like she has in the past and make things worse. I don't believe she is in immediate danger or else I would have called the police already. I don't know of anyone who is on good terms with her and would be willing to go over to her place to check on her.  Does anyone have any ideas or know of any resources I could turn to?

[lavalove]

Hi cmac527,

I'm sorry I don't have amy great resources for you, but I wanted to reply and let you know I feel for you in such a complicated and sad situation.    It seems like you mom is not coping well with the marriage, and that there may be some abandonment fears triggered which is causing her to lash out to others. Sadly, when things like this happen in my family I am reminded that my moms anger and fighting come from a place of intense fear and desperation, almost pushing people away while internally yearning for them to stay so that she won't have to be alone. However, that still does not change fact that you now have your own emotions to deal with and take care of- wanting to celebrate with your brother even if the celebratory spirit is now dampened, feelings about your parents separation (I remember many times wishing my parents would just get divorced already, but even when they did I still grieved for the loss of my sense of family), the pushing and pulling of emotional strings that she is doing with her relationship with you, and feeling concerned and caring for her physical safety. Whew, whirlwind. All I can say is you're right, you are stuck and the situation sounds incredibly tough. You might not be able to make 100% sure currently that your mom is taking her medications, but hopefully you can find some ways to take care of yourself during this time and look after your emotional/mental health. After all, you're going to need it to get through all of this before the next storm comes. I hope that your mom, and yourself, hang in there and find ways to heal whether together or apart.