BU, Facebook, NC, revisited

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

In the "Fly on the wall"  post, Once Removed said something regarding FB and the recommendation that was given him to desensitize.

I agree with how Once Removed put it. It didn't work for him.

YEP!

Would not work for me, and couldn't because she blocked me around the time of the BU. But that isn't my point.  As much as I wanted to know her blood pressure and pulse, I realize that even if I wasn't blocked, I don't even think I would look at her stuff.  In fact I might even block her myself! (probably not).

I'm kinda loosing that URGE to be connected to her.  I am able, once again to go to stores that we frequented together, listen to SOME music, and watch MY favorite movies again.  When I come to something that is triggering I just say:  I'M TAKING THIS BACK... .IT'S MINE!  Seems to work too.  Why should the past and HER be allowed to control me?  

But anyway, once again I gotta say that NC is the way to go. Even though the road is hard as a mofo, it still the best solution in my honest opinion.

If you've read my antics lately where I got blindsided AGAIN and only two days in, you'll realize that I'm having things thrown into my life that are very distracting as well as potentially lethal!  LOL I just had to say that.  There is LIFE after all this stuff, it goes slow and you gotta just go with it.

One more update:  I've started taking sam-e. Only two days in, but I really notice something happening with my mood.  It's early to tell, but even if it were the placebo effect, who cares, as long as I get over this stuff good and quick.  I'm taking natures made 400mg, got a good price on amazon.  Read up on it, may not be good for everyone.

Wishing you all a good day!  Lets keep smiling and not let people get the best of us.  :-)

[DyingLove]

In the "Fly on the wall"  post, Once Removed said something regarding FB and the recommendation that was given him to desensitize.

I agree with how Once Removed put it. It didn't work for him.

YEP!

Would not work for me, and couldn't because she blocked me around the time of the BU. But that isn't my point.  As much as I wanted to know her blood pressure and pulse, I realize that even if I wasn't blocked, I don't even think I would look at her stuff.  In fact I might even block her myself! (probably not).

I'm kinda loosing that URGE to be connected to her.  I am able, once again to go to stores that we frequented together, listen to SOME music, and watch MY favorite movies again.  When I come to something that is triggering I just say:  I'M TAKING THIS BACK... .IT'S MINE!  Seems to work too.  Why should the past and HER be allowed to control me?  

But anyway, once again I gotta say that NC is the way to go. Even though the road is hard as a mofo, it still the best solution in my honest opinion.

If you've read my antics lately where I got blindsided AGAIN and only two days in, you'll realize that I'm having things thrown into my life that are very distracting as well as potentially lethal!  LOL I just had to say that.  There is LIFE after all this stuff, it goes slow and you gotta just go with it.

One more update:  I've started taking sam-e. Only two days in, but I really notice something happening with my mood.  It's early to tell, but even if it were the placebo effect, who cares, as long as I get over this stuff good and quick.  I'm taking natures made 400mg, got a good price on amazon.  Read up on it, may not be good for everyone.

Wishing you all a good day!  Lets keep smiling and not let people get the best of us.  :-)

[Hadlee]

NC is definitely the way to go.  I deleted mine (ex BFF) from Facebook late last year.  Haven't blocked her as we still work for the same company, and I don't want to tempt any escalation of crazy antics  There have certainly been passive aggressive moves as we have a large number of mutual friends.  To combat this, I've unfollowed the ones she had increased her interactions with, which I suspect may have been for my benefit.

A little while ago I tried to desensitize by seeing her at work each day without her seeing me or talking to me.  It didn't work at all.  I started getting anxiety again.  Just being in the same area as her made my stomach churn   I just wanted to run!

Like you, I am also losing the urge for connection.  I'm not missing my old friend anymore.  :)idn't think I would ever get to this point

The longer I can go without having to cross paths with her, the better it is for me.  It's certainly a juggling act at work though  

[DyingLove]

Hadlee, I have NO CLUE how you handle her at work.  It would NOT be something I could do unless I was guaranteed that I would not see her.  I'd just either go to pieces, wanna kill her, needle her, or be really messed up from her ignoring me and/or being overly friendly with other guys.  God bless you man!  Wishing you all the best of course!

[Hadlee]

Hadlee, I have NO CLUE how you handle her at work.  It would NOT be something I could do unless I was guaranteed that I would not see her.  I'd just either go to pieces, wanna kill her, needle her, or be really messed up from her ignoring me and/or being overly friendly with other guys.  God bless you man!  Wishing you all the best of course!

I'm a female  From her actions and everything that has happened, I believe she is a closet bi/lesbian.  Her display of affection was more than that of just a friend!  I am very straight btw.

It's taken me a very long time to slowly distance myself from her - about 18 months now.  There have been too many ups and downs to count.  She has latched onto a new shiny toy - a male this time.  They frequent the coffee shop each day just outside my building.  It was painful seeing that at first, but now I avoid the area at the time they are usually there.  I suspect she wants to rub my nose in that one

Being ignored?  Well, she did that only a couple of weeks ago when I had a meeting with her and her staff.  She was a no show to the meeting, however turned up to the area 5 minutes before it ended, making sure she was seen.  She did not speak.  As nobody acknowledged her or asked why she didn't attend the meeting, she started walking back and forth to another desk to gain attention then talked louder to others.  It took all of my strength to ignore the behavior and make out I was not affected.  She then made sure she went to another floor just before I left.  I found that really hurtful.

And this came a couple of weeks after she was flirting with me and hugging me in the office   Crazy is an understatement!

I've avoided a smear campaign... .so far at least... .thank goodness!  Oh my, there have been many, many times I have wanted to confront her, but I've taken the high road as hard as it's been.

But... .gotta keep moving forward somehow  

[once removed]

hey dyinglove 

i should clarify. the person that recommended this was my rock throughout the process and i definitely didnt meant to bash them. i put more on them then they could or should have handled, and, again, they remained my rock. at the time, i was continuously testing them with my own urge to peek. i think this person was worn out. i also dont think they were necessarily wrong. its not unlike those that struggle with returning to actual places they and their ex visited, and there are two schools of thought when it comes to our triggers; neither are wrong: one is that we should engage in order to desensitize, one is that we should avoid it and wait, then gradually reapproach it. but as i said, i was testing this person. i wanted them to tell me under no circumstances should i look and why. if they did that i wanted to push them harder. if they caved, i caved. so i just want to clarify that what i said was not a criticism of that person. but it is true that peeking at that point was hurting me, and practicing not looking helped me, but only when i decided that for myself. at the time i wasnt capable of deciding much for myself. im glad this was useful for you, but there are many solutions, profiles, guides, tools, etc on this board that apply to many but not all. some of my original peeking helped, and other members report the same.

"I am able, once again to go to stores that we frequented together, listen to SOME music, and watch MY favorite movies again.  When I come to something that is triggering I just say:  I'M TAKING THIS BACK... .IT'S MINE!  Seems to work too.  Why should the past and HER be allowed to control me?"

i think that speaks to what im getting at. youre ready at this point to do it, and it feels empowering. it might have made you feel set back to do it sooner. though i also see where its different than facebook peeking. youre living your life, facebook peeking is facebook peeking.

"But anyway, once again I gotta say that NC is the way to go. Even though the road is hard as a mofo, it still the best solution in my honest opinion."

also what im getting at. our processes arent necessarily right or wrong, but they are unique to us. i think understanding that is part of the road to both self awareness and empathy. i can read any given post and think someone might be going about something the "wrong" way, but they are going about it in their own, unique way. nc is one tool of many, for some members, in some situations.

"One more update:  I've started taking sam-e."

i love, love, love sam-e and ive recommended it in a couple of posts. somewhere between a day and a week it altered my mood and made everything i was feeling seem "smaller". hard to explain what i mean but i assume you can relate. i tried a multitude of supplements in the aftermath, and ive tried some i didnt try at the time, more recently, and sam-e is one of the absolute best ive taken.

if youre taking any prescription med or any other med, check side effects. i personally recommend avoiding buying it at a grocery store. i started there, and as much as 400 milligrams made me pretty sick. started buying it at an herb store, started taking a lot more than 400 milligrams, and never had another negative side effect. in many grocery stores theres an ingredient that can give you a heck of an upset stomach. also, unless im mistaken, you can take 1600 milligrams, and this level is often used to treat long term depression.

for what its worth, its a heck of a depression treatment, and the mayo clinic and other sources call it "as much if not more effective than prescription antidepressants". i took prescription antidepressants and id vouch for that.

[UserName69]

You really should move on and totally forget about her. When my exBPD blocked me from FB I decided to block her too. I also blocked her e-mail and phonenumber. I'm keeping my self busy every day, I don't feel the urge to think about her or want her back. For me she is the most evil person I ever met in my life, and I'm happy she isn't a part of my life anymore.

[DyingLove]

You really should move on and totally forget about her. When my exBPD blocked me from FB I decided to block her too. I also blocked her e-mail and phonenumber. I'm keeping my self busy every day, I don't feel the urge to think about her or want her back. For me she is the most evil person I ever met in my life, and I'm happy she isn't a part of my life anymore.

I agree, and this is all good.  Some people can't do this as easily as you make it sound, otherwise I want some of what you are having!  LOL

[Hadlee]

I agree, and this is all good.  Some people can't do this as easily as you make it sound, otherwise I want some of what you are having!  LOL

^^^^ yeah that

[UserName69]

You really should move on and totally forget about her. When my exBPD blocked me from FB I decided to block her too. I also blocked her e-mail and phonenumber. I'm keeping my self busy every day, I don't feel the urge to think about her or want her back. For me she is the most evil person I ever met in my life, and I'm happy she isn't a part of my life anymore.

I agree, and this is all good.  Some people can't do this as easily as you make it sound, otherwise I want some of what you are having!  LOL

I always reminded myself about all the bad stuff she done to me, all those times when she played with my emotions. The times when she broke my heart after I did my best for her. Times when she neglected me when I was very depressed. Days when she to ignore me for no reason. The day when she didn't invite me for her bday party after I spend days of searching for a nice present she told me that she doesn't going to give a party, later she said that she had been planning one and I wasn't invited. The day when she used to make fun of me during Christmas eve in presence of her relatives when she was drunk. The day when she was spreading lies about me she told her friends that I'm part of an organized crime group; couple days ago I saw her best friend he saw me when I made eye contact he looked into an other direction, once when we broke up I saw him and he kept staring at me with an angry look, this time he didn't and I know why because his best friend made him believe I'm a mobster  . That day when she told me that she's going to dump me when she gets enough of me. That day when she told me that she dated an another guy who almost raped her in her own house. That day when I took her out she told me that I'm sad because I spend a lot of money on her just to get laid with her. That day when I called her and I've told her that she changed she told me to f*** off and hang up the phone. That day when we broke up and I met an another girl who had supported me a lot when I was going trough a depression caused by some financial problems. That day when I smoked my first cigar and decided to thanked my exBPD for all of this because of my exBPD I have met this other girl I'm dating now.

All of these things I have mentioned made me realize that she's just evil. That caused me to hate her, in my case the hate made everything easier. I got pretty quick over her, in the first couple days I felt betrayal and a lots of hate. I told myself I don't want to go back to her, there are so many girls on this planet who would be a better partner why should I stick to her? For me she's history.

[DyingLove]

You really should move on and totally forget about her. When my exBPD blocked me from FB I decided to block her too. I also blocked her e-mail and phonenumber. I'm keeping my self busy every day, I don't feel the urge to think about her or want her back. For me she is the most evil person I ever met in my life, and I'm happy she isn't a part of my life anymore.

I agree, and this is all good.  Some people can't do this as easily as you make it sound, otherwise I want some of what you are having!  LOL

I always reminded myself about all the bad stuff she done to me, all those times when she played with my emotions. The times when she broke my heart after I did my best for her. Times when she neglected me when I was very depressed. Days when she to ignore me for no reason. The day when she didn't invite me for her bday party after I spend days of searching for a nice present she told me that she doesn't going to give a party, later she said that she had been planning one and I wasn't invited. The day when she used to make fun of me during Christmas eve in presence of her relatives when she was drunk. The day when she was spreading lies about me she told her friends that I'm part of an organized crime group; couple days ago I saw her best friend he saw me when I made eye contact he looked into an other direction, once when we broke up I saw him and he kept staring at me with an angry look, this time he didn't and I know why because his best friend made him believe I'm a mobster  . That day when she told me that she's going to dump me when she gets enough of me. That day when she told me that she dated an another guy who almost raped her in her own house. That day when I took her out she told me that I'm sad because I spend a lot of money on her just to get laid with her. That day when I called her and I've told her that she changed she told me to f*** off and hang up the phone. That day when we broke up and I met an another girl who had supported me a lot when I was going trough a depression caused by some financial problems. That day when I smoked my first cigar and decided to thanked my exBPD for all of this because of my exBPD I have met this other girl I'm dating now.

All of these things I have mentioned made me realize that she's just evil. That caused me to hate her, in my case the hate made everything easier. I got pretty quick over her, in the first couple days I felt betrayal and a lots of hate. I told myself I don't want to go back to her, there are so many girls on this planet who would be a better partner why should I stick to her? For me she's history.

I think your way of thinking is on the normal side.  I think you are a person that is thinking of yourself, just as we all should.  I'm a pleaser and looking out for the other person (ex) and not myself, and that is why I lost myself to her.  You are thinking more of yourself which gets a person away from the pleaser/codependent type of attitude.  When you said that there are so many girls on this planet who would be a better partner... .this brought the realization of all of this to me.  Very good UserName69!

[UserName69]

You really should move on and totally forget about her. When my exBPD blocked me from FB I decided to block her too. I also blocked her e-mail and phonenumber. I'm keeping my self busy every day, I don't feel the urge to think about her or want her back. For me she is the most evil person I ever met in my life, and I'm happy she isn't a part of my life anymore.

I agree, and this is all good.  Some people can't do this as easily as you make it sound, otherwise I want some of what you are having!  LOL

I always reminded myself about all the bad stuff she done to me, all those times when she played with my emotions. The times when she broke my heart after I did my best for her. Times when she neglected me when I was very depressed. Days when she to ignore me for no reason. The day when she didn't invite me for her bday party after I spend days of searching for a nice present she told me that she doesn't going to give a party, later she said that she had been planning one and I wasn't invited. The day when she used to make fun of me during Christmas eve in presence of her relatives when she was drunk. The day when she was spreading lies about me she told her friends that I'm part of an organized crime group; couple days ago I saw her best friend he saw me when I made eye contact he looked into an other direction, once when we broke up I saw him and he kept staring at me with an angry look, this time he didn't and I know why because his best friend made him believe I'm a mobster  . That day when she told me that she's going to dump me when she gets enough of me. That day when she told me that she dated an another guy who almost raped her in her own house. That day when I took her out she told me that I'm sad because I spend a lot of money on her just to get laid with her. That day when I called her and I've told her that she changed she told me to f*** off and hang up the phone. That day when we broke up and I met an another girl who had supported me a lot when I was going trough a depression caused by some financial problems. That day when I smoked my first cigar and decided to thanked my exBPD for all of this because of my exBPD I have met this other girl I'm dating now.

All of these things I have mentioned made me realize that she's just evil. That caused me to hate her, in my case the hate made everything easier. I got pretty quick over her, in the first couple days I felt betrayal and a lots of hate. I told myself I don't want to go back to her, there are so many girls on this planet who would be a better partner why should I stick to her? For me she's history.

I think your way of thinking is on the normal side.  I think you are a person that is thinking of yourself, just as we all should.  I'm a pleaser and looking out for the other person (ex) and not myself, and that is why I lost myself to her.  You are thinking more of yourself which gets a person away from the pleaser/codependent type of attitude.  When you said that there are so many girls on this planet who would be a better partner... .this brought the realization of all of this to me.  Very good UserName69!

I'm glad you liked my post, I really appreciate that. You know if I could give the people her something to help them out of their grief I would gave it to them in order to help them. But these kind of things people need to do on their own, we can share experiences her and guide each other but finally you're the one who needs to take all the steps and start to move forward.

I had a lot of patience with my exBPD but at some point she went just to far. She never knew anything about friendship and relationships because she doesn't have any good friends while on Facebook she had 1200+ friends. If someone is being nice to me I'll be twice as nice for that person, I won't forget it friendship means a lot to me and it occurred to me that many people don't even care about friendship. People might think she's popular but in reality she's a no-one and has 0 friends, you see that's why don't believe in what people post on social media.

One time when we broke up and went back to each other she asked me if I cried. I told her no I didn't because you're not the only woman on this planet. Later she asked me again, I told her "look the last time when I cried was when my father died right in front of my face while I was holding is hand in the hospital, if you think a break up with you would cause the same pin then you're wrong". I think this one of her mind games she played, from that moment she started to act even weirder.

She told me one that she likes it to make men cry. Once when she broke up with an another ex of her he kept begging her and crying to take him back. She invited him over to her place she told him that if he want's her back he needs to beg on his knees which he did in tears. She told me that she laughed straight in his face and kicked him out of her house. The guy she used to be with before me, she told me that when the rs was over he cried. She told me that she lost all the respect for him when he cried and she slapped him right in his face and kicked him out. She wasn't able to do that with me, instead I have her a one finger salute and decided to move on. That's one of the reasons why she's very upset.

Getting over your exBPD is hard but not difficult. Once when you'll meet a good person in your life you're going to call your self crazy for all the time you spend missing your exBPD. Really give it a shot, meet new people, go out and have fun. Maybe you can start new hobbies? Just give it a try, try to keep your self busy. Everything will be much easier before you know it you won't even miss her! If you keep staying home and think about her you'll never advance, instead don't give her that joy. That's exactly what she want she wants to destroy you, you're way too good for that.

Spend time with your kids give them the time of their lives, so one day when they grow up they can tell your grand kids about all the great moments you gave them. The reason why I write this is because I did read your topic about your kids it reminded me of a friend of mine. He never knew his mother because when she passed away he was still a couple months old. Later his father decided to remarry. His new wife didn't like his kids, my friend told me that she placed him in a position that he had to choose between his kids and her. She told him that she hates his kids. His father threw all her stuff away and kicked her out later they got divorced. He took his mother in (grandma of my friend) together they took care of the kids. After a while she passed away and from that day his father always took care of them, he never got an another wife and dedicated his life to his kids. My friend told me his dad cried when his sister got married, he told them that he finished his mission that's what he wanted to see, his kids becoming adults, successful and getting married so they can start their own families. Taking care for the kids till they grow up and leave the nest without. I told this story once to my ex I told her you see people will always remind you by your deeds. This is one of the reasons why I really value friendship/relationships/people's trust. Those kids they'll never forget what their father did for them.

got a little bit offtopic her