Help movin to the leaving board

[sking]

I've been on this site off and on for a few years.  It's been a very long road and I've made the decision to leave.  I'm very distraught and have had a very tough few months.  I'm confused hurt and could really use some help to move forward to being able to stick to no contact and learn the skills I need to leave.   

I appreciate any advise and help as this site has been so helpful in the past.  Thank you for having this site.

[fromheeltoheal]

Sorry about the very tough few months sking, a relationship with a disordered person can be a very painful thing.  The good thing about not talking to someone anymore is you don't have to do anything, you just don't talk to them, but emotionally it's more difficult than that, and if you can tell us more we can do better at giving useful advice and support.  So what are your biggest challenges right now?

[sking]

I have been on here quite a while back and forth every few months.  I have had days away from my diagnosed pa husband and have just begun to realize just how bad it had been (the episodes of pyschological and emotional abuse).   He had a really good 12 day stretch and I really felt that he had turned a corner (he has been in therapy for PTSD this past 4 weeks)  I was really hopefull and enjoying with be a calm peaceful content person.  Then out of the blue two days ago he flipped - flipped to the emotional and psychological abuse.  I had forgotten how horrific it is and how traumatizing it is.  

I'm in that few days after of exhaustion confusion hurt and fog.  Please help me.  Does this ever end? I can't live like this anymore but I'm having trouble with no contact.  For some reason I want to get to the 'relief' stage where he quits and finally admits to himself and me that he was 'raging' and that he's sorry. 

How do I walk away now.  He's not in the home because of work and now has a place to stay so I don't have to live with him.  I want to learn how to stop answering the phone and emails  (I have him blocked so I can control the ringing).  How do I help myself get thru the initial break.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey sking-

Then out of the blue two days ago he flipped - flipped to the emotional and psychological abuse.  I had forgotten how horrific it is and how traumatizing it is. 

That's a good thing, you can use that.  The flipping from good to bad gives you contrast that you may not have connected with before, and if you focus on how horrific and traumatizing it was, you can use that as fuel for your escape.  It helps to have a plan too, since this will be emotional and making decisions on the fly isn't in your best interest.  Can you go somewhere radically different for a while?  See folks you don't usually see?  If you break your current pattern, and don't communicate with him at all for maybe 5 times as long as you normally would, things will change, perceptions will change, and you can make decisions from that place, and there's no way to know what you'll be thinking then now.  So breaking the pattern is key, fueled by the recent horror and trauma.  What do you think?

[sking]

Thank you for your reply and helping me focus.  I am leaving tomorrow to visit family for a few days. A plan would help keep me on track.

[fromheeltoheal]

Thank you for your reply and helping me focus.  I am leaving tomorrow to visit family for a few days. A plan would help keep me on track.

Good deal!  You might also consider leaving your phone at home and staying away from computers, and you might tell the people you're visiting what you're up to and ask them for support, since it could be challenging to cut yourself off like that, although you have said you can't live like that anymore, so it's necessary?

[sking]

Thank you so much for your support right now.  It's a really tough time.  I'm very very fragile emotionally yet I've been through this so many times.  I know this is the best and that it has to happen its just very very hard and I don't understand why.  When he's not raging I could leave easily why is it when he is playing these mind games that it makes it so hard?  I am better when I understand why I am feeling this way so that I can change the way I think about it. 

[fromheeltoheal]

why is it when he is playing these mind games that it makes it so hard?

Dunno, depends what you mean by mind games.  We can get to a place where we're triggering for each other in these relationships, any relationships really, or more simply, he knows how to push your buttons and you're letting them be pushed.  If you could expand on 'mind games' some of us can probably interject, and I'm positive that leaving for a while and leaving the technology behind will change how you feel.

[sking]

He goes thru episodes of a passive aggressive rage and blames me for everything.  Last night he was mad and upset and threatened suicide and then won't answer the phone, which he's done several times.  Ive called the police a few times and when speaking with his Dr. he said it was a threat.  I feel it is definitely button pushing to get me to stay engaged in the conversation.  He's rude dismissive and I'm trying to tell him that he's in his rage and he won't listen.  Reading this from someone else helps me with the confusion of what is going on and puts me back on track.  I feel better tonight and not as guilty.  I am going to focus on other things to help with me and my part in this.  I really can't believe I keep getting sucked in to this cycle.  I will stay focused on time away to gain some clarity.