It isn't personal

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I read this on the boards: "It isn't personal" and on some level that makes sense to me, I know it's the BPD causing whatever.

But it's so difficult to not take it personally when someone is accusing you of this, saying that you're that and that they hate you because you... .etc etc etc. It feels very personal indeed!

It seems that the people on here who are the furthest forward and in the healthiest place are those who have Truly accepted and understood that it's not personal

My question is - how did you do that?

[Mel1968]

I read this on the boards: "It isn't personal" and on some level that makes sense to me, I know it's the BPD causing whatever.

But it's so difficult to not take it personally when someone is accusing you of this, saying that you're that and that they hate you because you... .etc etc etc. It feels very personal indeed!

It seems that the people on here who are the furthest forward and in the healthiest place are those who have Truly accepted and understood that it's not personal

My question is - how did you do that?

[klacey3]

I read this on the boards: "It isn't personal" and on some level that makes sense to me, I know it's the BPD causing whatever.

But it's so difficult to not take it personally when someone is accusing you of this, saying that you're that and that they hate you because you... .etc etc etc. It feels very personal indeed!

It seems that the people on here who are the furthest forward and in the healthiest place are those who have Truly accepted and understood that it's not personal

My question is - how did you do that?

Hi Mel, sorry to hear of your struggles.

I am not really sure to be honest... I think the people that don't take it personally are people that have high self esteem and very aware of the illness. If you have low self esteem you are more likely to care what other people think of you I think and wonder whether the things said about you arr true. It is natural to be hurt to an extent though.

Time will help

[FannyB]

Hi Mel

I guess by reading loads of postings on these boards and noting the similarities. Very few of us have truly unique stories - just variations on a theme! We've all read lots about BPD and get that they can't handle shame so it must be avoided at all costs. Their tactics for avoiding this can vary considerably. In order to shift blame they have to demonize the SO - in your case to extreme lengths.

Understanding it doesn't mean you have to like it however. You're right to be angry - just temper that with a philosophical undercurrent.  They are still adults who should be dealing with their issues and not wrecking the lives of people who've been good to them. The disorder doesn't excuse bad behaviour - period!

[enlighten me]

It takes time, understanding and acceptance.

For me I came to accept that my exs brains are wired differently. That they do what they do out of survival.

Ive tried to piece together their behaviour and I think I have large chunks of it figured out. Realising that the anger and hurtful comments where because of internal strife and not neccesarily about anything i did helps.

Sometimes when your in amoungst the strife you cant see whats going on. Its only by detatching and getting an impartial view of the situation that you see things you missed.

I will never take either of my exs back as I cant live like that again and the fact that the chance if the dissorder just giing away is virtually zero. This doesnt mean that I hate them.

[Mr Hollande]

There are a few clichés on this board that grate on me and this is the worst offender. Not personal? These forums are made up of people who are destroyed by the ones they love the most. How is that not personal?

[klacey3]

It takes time, understanding and acceptance.

For me I came to accept that my exs brains are wired differently. That they do what they do out of survival.

Ive tried to piece together their behaviour and I think I have large chunks of it figured out. Realising that the anger and hurtful comments where because of internal strife and not neccesarily about anything i did helps.

Sometimes when your in amoungst the strife you cant see whats going on. Its only by detatching and getting an impartial view of the situation that you see things you missed.

I will never take either of my exs back as I cant live like that again and the fact that the chance if the dissorder just giing away is virtually zero. This doesnt mean that I hate them.

Hi, what do you mean by wired differently?

[enlighten me]

I personally believe that personality dissorders are due to differences in the brain or genes. We see how autistics brains are wired together differently and I believe pwBPD also have a different set up to their brain. There is some evidence to support this but nothing conclusive. True or not for me knowing this has helped with detatching and being compassionate.

The brain is a computer and can be programmed and updated but if some components arent right then you will get a different outcome.

[FannyB]

There are a few clichés on this board that grate on me and this is the worst offender. Not personal? These forums are made up of people who are destroyed by the ones they love the most. How is that not personal?

I suppose it's not personal in the sense you could have been anybody and it would not have made one iota of difference. It certainly feels personal though - especially in the immediate aftermath of the break up. If she makes a proper go of it with the next guy then that would change my perspective somewhat! 

[enlighten me]

Its only as personal as we take it. If they tracked us down. Plotted and snared us only so they can hurt us then yes it is personal. Holding onto the hurt only makes it personal. I was hurt beyond words, I can never forgive them for what they did. I can however understand that they have a different way of dealing with the world.

[Mel1968]

I can agree on an intellectual level with the different bits that you're all saying... .But still, emotionally very hard to accept, it certainly feels personal, and is still hurting like the worst thing ever.

I'm sure that it's a case of not being able to see the wood for the trees because it's all so recent and I've failed with the NC (am on latest attempt, 2 days so far... But am just waiting for her to turn up again... .I did turn her away last time, go me!) but it's seeming awfully difficult to not feel it's all personal, and to not keep obsessing about BPD, her, me, our relationship, the future, now, the past, how I should move on, why a relationship is impossible, argh! I know all the helpful things to do in theory but the reality is very difficult... .am struggling at the moment for sure!

[FannyB]

I can agree on an intellectual level with the different bits that you're all saying... .But still, emotionally very hard to accept, it certainly feels personal, and is still hurting like the worst thing ever.

I'm sure that it's a case of not being able to see the wood for the trees because it's all so recent and I've failed with the NC (am on latest attempt, 2 days so far... But am just waiting for her to turn up again... .I did turn her away last time, go me!) but it's seeming awfully difficult to not feel it's all personal, and to not keep obsessing about BPD, her, me, our relationship, the future, now, the past, how I should move on, why a relationship is impossible, argh! I know all the helpful things to do in theory but the reality is very difficult... .am struggling at the moment for sure!

Mel

Think about it like bereavement. There's a set of tools to help us heal after the death of a loved one - but we all recover at different rates. Keep doing the right things and you WILL get there. 

[going places]

There are a few clichés on this board that grate on me and this is the worst offender. Not personal? These forums are made up of people who are destroyed by the ones they love the most. How is that not personal?

I am not a fan of the cliches and catch phrases... .they grate my nerves raw.

YES this was personal. What my ex did destroyed our family. Damaged me, permenately. Alters the kids lives forever. It was very personal.

Mr. H... .as I read on this site, I can 'see' me in so many different stages.

There are posts of total devastation. There are posts of total denial. There are posts filled with 'hope', and then suffering. There are angry posts. There are sad posts. There are posts of progress in getting on with life... .

I am in the process of forgiving.

Allowing my ex to 'get away with' what he did by 'excusing' his abuse because of a PD... .seems unholy to me.

He made choices. He KNEW right from wrong. He chose wrong anyway... .the end.

My goal is complete forgiveness.

God will hold him accountable for his actions; not me.

Sometimes I get lost in this process because it hurts. You give freely and wholely your best 25 years of life only to find out it was a lie? That cuts deep... .so the only way to really 'live' is forgiving. It frees me from anger, rage, bitterness, vengence, justice; and gives me peace, wholeness, and closeness with God.

Today I am struggling to walk in forgiveness. With God's help, I will make it... .

[Devaluedman]

Mel,

That's how I feel. I have two days of NC. But I know like clockwork she'll be back for her supply because she absolutely CANNOT be alone. I mean, in the sense that she needs me for support, however much she "hurts" because of my supposed abuse of her. It's truly f'ed up, man, how they use you like a teddy bear or something. And yet, they have no idea of the catastrophic pain their continued "attachment" does to your soul.

The aforementioned is why I feel it is personal. That I am simply being used as a fill-in until she finds some uncaring bad boy who will treat her like dirt. She loves emotionally unavailable a-holes who use her for sex.

[enlighten me]

And yet, they have no idea of the catastrophic pain their continued "attachment" does to your soul.

This is why I dont think of most of what they did as personal. They just dont realise the damage they do. Even when they have realisation they have to push it down and project onto oyhers out of pure survival. I have read many BPD posts and one guy stated that the hardest part of his recovery was the realisation of how much pain he had caused. His shame took him to the brink of suicide. His world was flipped on its head. He always truely believed it was everyone one else with the problem.

[Mel1968]

Yes, enlighten me.- my ex has sometimes realised how things that she's done in the past to me have affected me and it's been heartbreaking to see the anguish she's felt. She has said to me several times that she believes she isn't capable of being in a relationship and has no intention of being with anyone else, only friends ( I don't believe this is true, but I do believe she believes it).

Unfortunately, it's becasue she has had the odd moment of insight like this that I hold onto the hope... .

[Mr Hollande]

I understand what everyone here says about why it's not personal but I think it's sometimes used in an almost cavalier fashion.

Fresh BPD Victim - I'm destroyed by this. I have lost everything and I don't want to live anymore.

Experienced BPD Victim - Don't worry buddy, it's nothing personal.

The above exchange is exaggerated of course but you get my point. There is a time and a place for "it's nothing personal" but I don't think it's helpful for someone fresh out of a BPD train wreck to be told that. It should be used more sparingly and never without context.

Going Places. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on where you are and what you want to achieve. I think you and I have different goals ultimately and that's how it should be. Not everyone is the same and we all eventually find what works for us. I admire you for your work and the progress you've made. I hope you make it all the way there one day.

[Suzn]

I read this on the boards: "It isn't personal" and on some level that makes sense to me, I know it's the BPD causing whatever.

But it's so difficult to not take it personally when someone is accusing you of this, saying that you're that and that they hate you because you... .etc etc etc. It feels very personal indeed!

It seems that the people on here who are the furthest forward and in the healthiest place are those who have Truly accepted and understood that it's not personal

My question is - how did you do that?

"It isn't personal" is accurate while it is hard to see while we are still emotionally attached. It's difficult to step back and look at what happened objectively while we are struggling with painful emotions. Perfectly normal. This will change over time as you grieve your loss.

A pwBPD reacts to wounds from childhood that have been carried into their adult lives. A pwBPD's perception is skewed. Add in little to no impulse control. We all have thoughts we don't act on because they may be inappropriate or not in our best interests. This is something a pwBPD struggles with.

Fresh BPD Victim - I'm destroyed by this. I have lost everything and I don't want to live anymore.

Experienced BPD Victim - Don't worry buddy, it's nothing personal.

The above exchange is exaggerated of course but you get my point.

You're right this response could feel invalidating given at the wrong time. It's very difficult to see a pwBPD's actions that hurt us deeply aren't personal while we are still emotionally attached. The fact that we can express and grieve these hurt feelings all the way through to the other side, even though they don't feel good, is a good thing. A pwBPD doesn't do that, the pain is avoided, stuffed deeper and replaced as quickly as possible with the distraction of a new "love" or any other "feel good" situation.

We can be guilty of jumping into a new relationship prior to grieving the hurt to avoid our pain as well. We are emotionally unavailable when we are still harboring emotions from an old relationship. This can eventually catch up with us. Negative emotions have no time limit and can wait, as long as necessary, just under your skin and surface as triggers till you experience them fully and release them. 

[klacey3]

How can it be personal?

These people are mentally ill and they have the same relationship dysfunction patterns with everyone they will be in a relationship with. So of course its not something about one person in particular.

[Suzn]

These people are mentally ill and they have the same relationship dysfunction patterns with everyone they will be in a relationship with. So of course its not something about one person in particular.

Good point though before we know anything about BPD behaviors it can appear we were attacked.

Speaking of dysfunctional patterns, why did we not step back at the first sign of trouble and re-evaluate the relationship? Why did we stay?

[DyingLove]

I read this on the boards: "It isn't personal" and on some level that makes sense to me, I know it's the BPD causing whatever.

But it's so difficult to not take it personally when someone is accusing you of this, saying that you're that and that they hate you because you... .etc etc etc. It feels very personal indeed!

It seems that the people on here who are the furthest forward and in the healthiest place are those who have Truly accepted and understood that it's not personal

My question is - how did you do that?

Good Point/post Mel... .I'm in no mood for futzing around with thoughts of my ex today either.  Just think about it, Not Personal?  Well than what is it?  Public?  One way or another this is personal stuff.  THE EX--->:)ID IT TO--->ME! Personal enough.  Feel sorry for them?  I don't know anymore, because no one is feeling sorry for me.  Shes livin' life and doing what she did (unless something changed) and Now I sleep on a blowup mattress, shower whenever someone lets me use their bathroom, and live in a  place of business. I'm not even mentioning all the mental anguish and damage.

Sure I'm happy for what I do have, but people take for granted the little things that we've had and don't have anymore.  Am I pissed. Oh you know it!  So it's very personal, has she tried to even contact me out of craziness? NO!  I'm glad about that, but label it whatever you want- it shows no remorse.  If I was on trial would I be getting off this easy -->no way.

I know this is no way to start off a morning, but we spend a lot of time effort and money trying to figure them out.  Maybe they should figure out how to live amongst us without getting banished to another land! Where is that big red button labelled RUIN HER LIFE LIKE SHE RUINED MINE.

Sometimes we have to yell and scream, and it's the only way to express this HORROR within us. What happens when our dog dies?  Sometimes we get another puppy to fulfill the love.  Does that mean we don't love the replacement, of course not.  Do we feel bad about it, we miss the one that passed, but get over the grief and we are happy with the pup.  Well, people aren't pups, but we need replacements in our lives for the sake of both parties involved.  Doesn't mean you won't love your new partner, just means that the partner will help you get over the previous loss.  Life is short, I don't wanna be the one that comes up with a cure for BPD, with my luck, I'll be handing YOU the formula on my death bed!

[Billygoat]

I read this on the boards: "It isn't personal" and on some level that makes sense to me, I know it's the BPD causing whatever.

But it's so difficult to not take it personally when someone is accusing you of this, saying that you're that and that they hate you because you... .etc etc etc. It feels very personal indeed!

It seems that the people on here who are the furthest forward and in the healthiest place are those who have Truly accepted and understood that it's not personal

My question is - how did you do that?

The point we truly need to reach isn't only that "it's not personal", it's actually nothing to do with our exes at all and all about us.

For most of us the behaviour of the ex was so intolerable that only a certain type of person would have tolerated it for so long, lost themselves so completely and then wind up here. How many of us have been hit, kicked, gaslit and had games played with our minds, disrespected, lied to, manipulated, cheated on and the rest? These are behaviours I know for sure some of my friends would not tolerate and yet I did, not only tolerate it, but accept it, took responsibility for it, made excuses for it and invited the cancer into my life.

It's hard for us too not to engage in black and white thinking. These people, are just messed up, hurt children themselves, same as us, the only difference is that they learned to cope by acting out, most of us learned to cope by being reasonable, responsible, hospitable, agreeable, solving everyone else's problems while squarely ignoring our own. Desperately trying to teach our partners what empathy is, showing them how they hurt us an expecting them to learn. Protecting them and enabling them actually robs them of their opportunity to beat this illness. Whether with love or hate, letting them go is the healthiest thing you can do for them and most importantly for yourself. We have to get over this idea that taking good care of ourselves, mentally & physically is somehow selfish, its essential.

[Suzn]

The point we truly need to reach isn't only that "it's not personal", it's actually nothing to do with our exes at all and all about us.

For most of us the behaviour of the ex was so intolerable that only a certain type of person would have tolerated it for so long, lost themselves so completely and then wind up here. How many of us have been hit, kicked, gaslit and had games played with our minds, disrespected, lied to, manipulated, cheated on and the rest? These are behaviours I know for sure some of my friends would not tolerate and yet I did, not only tolerate it, but accept it, took responsibility for it, made excuses for it and invited the cancer into my life.

It's hard for us too not to engage in black and white thinking. These people, are just messed up, hurt children themselves, same as us, the only difference is that they learned to cope by acting out, most of us learned to cope by being reasonable, responsible, hospitable, agreeable, solving everyone else's problems while squarely ignoring our own. Desperately trying to teach our partners what empathy is, showing them how they hurt us an expecting them to learn. Protecting them and enabling them actually robs them of their opportunity to beat this illness. Whether with love or hate, letting them go is the healthiest thing you can do for them and most importantly for yourself. We have to get over this idea that taking good care of ourselves, mentally & physically is somehow selfish, its essential.

[BorisAcusio]

The point we truly need to reach isn't only that "it's not personal", it's actually nothing to do with our exes at all and all about us.

For most of us the behaviour of the ex was so intolerable that only a certain type of person would have tolerated it for so long, lost themselves so completely and then wind up here. How many of us have been hit, kicked, gaslit and had games played with our minds, disrespected, lied to, manipulated, cheated on and the rest? These are behaviours I know for sure some of my friends would not tolerate and yet I did, not only tolerate it, but accept it, took responsibility for it, made excuses for it and invited the cancer into my life.

It's hard for us too not to engage in black and white thinking. These people, are just messed up, hurt children themselves, same as us, the only difference is that they learned to cope by acting out, most of us learned to cope by being reasonable, responsible, hospitable, agreeable, solving everyone else's problems while squarely ignoring our own. Desperately trying to teach our partners what empathy is, showing them how they hurt us an expecting them to learn. Protecting them and enabling them actually robs them of their opportunity to beat this illness. Whether with love or hate, letting them go is the healthiest thing you can do for them and most importantly for yourself. We have to get over this idea that taking good care of ourselves, mentally & physically is somehow selfish, its essential.

Great post, Billy. I completely agree.

[Mutt]

Hi Billygoat,



Superb

[Infared]

There are a few clichés on this board that grate on me and this is the worst offender. Not personal? These forums are made up of people who are destroyed by the ones they love the most. How is that not personal?

I identify with your comment... .but somehow we have to detach ... .to survive.

[myself]

There were a lot of choices being made in these relationships.

Was any of it personal between us? Of course. Very much of it.

My now-ex was intentionally both positive and negative. So was I.

[DyingLove]

There were a lot of choices being made in these relationships.

Was any of it personal between us? Of course. Very much of it.

My now-ex was intentionally both positive and negative. So was I.

I am applauding!  This stuff is just like repulican, conservative, democrat.  There are choices, what's right, what's wrong, what's your choice?  Maybe, just as gov. has shown us, nothing is really right, just that some work better?  Who knows. 

[Allmessedup]

I read this on the boards: "It isn't personal" and on some level that makes sense to me, I know it's the BPD causing whatever.

But it's so difficult to not take it personally when someone is accusing you of this, saying that you're that and that they hate you because you... .etc etc etc. It feels very personal indeed!

It seems that the people on here who are the furthest forward and in the healthiest place are those who have Truly accepted and understood that it's not personal

My question is - how did you do that?

The point we truly need to reach isn't only that "it's not personal", it's actually nothing to do with our exes at all and all about us.

For most of us the behaviour of the ex was so intolerable that only a certain type of person would have tolerated it for so long, lost themselves so completely and then wind up here. How many of us have been hit, kicked, gaslit and had games played with our minds, disrespected, lied to, manipulated, cheated on and the rest? These are behaviours I know for sure some of my friends would not tolerate and yet I did, not only tolerate it, but accept it, took responsibility for it, made excuses for it and invited the cancer into my life.

It's hard for us too not to engage in black and white thinking. These people, are just messed up, hurt children themselves, same as us, the only difference is that they learned to cope by acting out, most of us learned to cope by being reasonable, responsible, hospitable, agreeable, solving everyone else's problems while squarely ignoring our own. Desperately trying to teach our partners what empathy is, showing them how they hurt us an expecting them to learn. Protecting them and enabling them actually robs them of their opportunity to beat this illness. Whether with love or hate, letting them go is the healthiest thing you can do for them and most importantly for yourself. We have to get over this idea that taking good care of ourselves, mentally & physically is somehow selfish, its essential.

This is perfect Billy goat.  I am the whole lonely child persona.  Understanding driven.  I am always the peacekeeper, the helpers the problem solver, the empathetic understanding one.  The behaviors that manifested from her BPD the push and pull, the black and white thinking, the twisting of scenarios... .those hurt me.  Massively.    Almost destroyed me really.  And I stayed and went back anyway.  Because that was what I needed.  I needed the flip side to those behaviors.  I needed the idealization, the dream to feel good about me. 

But yet what I think we lose sight of sometimes... .or at least I do was the latter part of your quote.  All my problem solving and CARETAKING hurt her... .  Massively.  Likely almost destroyed her. Enabling and CARETAKING never helps someone with BPD.

It was this toxic bond between us that fed on BOTH of our childhood wounds.

It's hard to envision the similarities because it's so forgien to me as a coping skill.  But she very much is the angry child persona as much as I am the lonely child.  She needed the flip side of my stuff too.  And I could no more give only that to her than she could give me hers. 

Interesting to think about... .