I'm beyond... can't take much more

[healingheart13]

Well, I don't know where to start. There's so much to my story and I've only posted one other thread before this. I don't know where to start. There's so much to my story. My ex BPD bf crossed the line again. He's done so many hurtful things... .I've longed for a partnership and him living in the same home as me. He's done so many hurtful things… To make  a long story short I'm a single mother of two children and have been with him for four and half years. I have  longed for a partnership and wanted him to live in the same home as me and children along with his 2 children.  My home is owned by me… And he rents. I have plenty of room here in my home and he could save me fm  being foreclosed on. A year ago he agreed and I modify the loan and he left me high and dry and cost me almost $8000.  Three weeks ago my life came to a screeching halt when I got a DUI and he completely turned his back on me… And the foreclosure sale of my house is June 25. He sent me a text today saying he was in my neighborhood today. I sent him a text asking why. He said looking for houses... My world came crashing around me again... .he killed me. He's truly evil. But I'm proud of myself because I did not engage I just said there's lots in here and good luck.  Mind you you he hates my neighborhood and despised community living. And this is a 42 year old man. I just keep asking why? How can I love that man so deeply w all my heart and he actually causes so much trauma and screwed my life up and then to sit here after 4 1/2 years  and chastise me… I'm the one to blame. It's truly all my fault.

[cosmonaut]

I'm so sorry to hear how hurting and worried you are right now, healingheart.  The threat of foreclosure must be weighing on you very heavily, and your relationship pain can only be made worse by it.  These can be extremely confusing and sometimes very hurtful relationships.  It can be hard to understand why our partner wants to sometimes be close to us and sometimes pushes us away.  It's hard to understand why they can't be there for us when we need them.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.

First of all, what options do you have regarding the foreclosure that don't involve your partner?  pwBPD are highly impulsive and putting you and your children's home at risk of this impulsivity is not safe.  Is there a way you can talk to the bank?  Is there governmental help available?  I would try and explore those options as best you can.  It may seem very hard to find the emotional energy to do this right now, but it will be far better to work with the bank now before the deadline passes.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  That would be a frightening and anxious experience for anyone.

pwBPD have significant troubles with emotional intimacy, because it tends to trigger extreme emotions for them and they do not have the ability to cope with these emotions in a healthy way.  Often these are fears of abandonment and engulfment.  It is these fears that give rise to the very turbulent push/pull of the relationships.  It's why sometimes your partner wants to be close, and sometimes he withdraws.  It is a very common feature of the disorder.  Many of us here have been through it, and we know how hard it is to deal with.  One thing I would recommend that can help is to spend some time learning the tools for working with a BPD partner.  These tools will allow you to better communicate with your partner and to help to soothe him when he is triggered.  They can really help.  I'd also recommend posting for support on the Staying board, where the other members can help you to better understand these tools and to work through your relationship.  Please know that you are not alone.

Hang in there, healingheart.  I understand how hard this is right now.  Everyone is here to support.  You're not alone.

[healingheart13]

Thank you cosmonaut... .As for the house it's already being foreclosed on... .nothing I can do... .I've tried for 2 years to avoid it but my ex-husband (not the BPD in my life) is no where to be found so I can't get him to sign the paper work as he is on the title.  The problem I have is that my ex boyfriend and I have been talking about him moving in for 2 years to help me avoid foreclosure, have an investment and stay in house where there is room for everyone including my 2 children and his 2 children.  Last September he backed out last minute, costing me thousands and really breaking the trust I had in him.  Just 2 days ago 3 weeks after our break up he sent a text saying he was in my hood... .I asked why... .he said looking for houses... .I didn't engage.  I said did you find something, he said nope... .I just said there's plenty you will.  The fact that I am 10 days from being tossed out and he knows this and he can say this makes me sick... .he's always been mean spirited but I am also at my rock bottom as something unfortunate happened to be 3 weeks ago and he turned his back on me.  I'm holding strong though... .I have to, I'm the only one my 2 children have.  Thanks for your post... .I appreciate the advice and the kind words.

[cosmonaut]

I'm so sorry, healingheart.  I can hear how much your ex has hurt you.  These can be very painful relationships and it can be very hard to understand how our partner can't be there for us when we so badly need them.  It's a terrible part of the disorder.

That's very brave of you to be the strong one for your children.  I think that's exactly right - right now you need to put them and your own welfare first.  What options do you have as far as housing?  Is the foreclosure a certainty?

Hang in there, healingheart.  Keep focused on you and your children.  You can get through this.  Let us support you in doing so.