Told her we are getting divorced -> Sea change in behavior

[StrongDadOf2]

I am totally taken aback by the complete change in my STBXW since I told her we are getting divorced.  She has told me over and over again for the last year that "there is nothing worth celebrating in our marriage", that she has "completely given up on being happy in our marriage", and given up on "ever having a satisfying life."

About two weeks ago when I told her in a therapy session that I want to be divorced, I was dumbfounded she then wanted to do anything and everything to save the marriage.  She on-the-spot offered to go try medication, which she has refused for a long time.  She started on an anti-anxiety medication a few days ago, and since then has actually willingly interacted with S11 in a positive way for the first time in well over a year.  She's been happy, attentive, and not the grouchy, mopey, demeaning person she has been for so long.  I highly doubt that the anti-anxiety meds are this effective and work this quickly.  I feel like this might be some sort of manipulative thing going on.  After wearing me and the kids down for so long, now she actually wants to effect some change in herself?

I fully intend to go through with divorce.  She's started her lawyer search, and most likely is retaining someone this week.  I'm just not sure want to make of the 180 turn in her mood.

[ForeverDad]

She is now aware that she could be put under a microscope.  She wouldn't do it for you, for the children or even where it really should start, for herself.  While this may be the start of a real change, you can't plan your life on something so iffy.  Odds are that if you said the divorce was off then she would eventually revert back to her prior patterns.

We understand that you now have a firm boundary, stated to her.  It is your decision to divorce, that's not unreasonable.  Isn't it interesting how making decisions accomplished what years of accommodation, appeasing, etc, failed to do?

What next?  Her lawyer will work for her, not you and not even for the children.  Expect 'unsubstantiated' allegations, very emotionally compelling with her as victim or target, all with the goal to make you look worse than her.  Not that it will happen, but it is very likely to happen.  Even if it doesn't, you may have an uphill struggle with courts that give unwritten and unstated preference to mothers.  And expect her to posture as a target and victim.  You can't afford to be passive, quiet or overly fair, court will ensure she is not disadvantaged with orders.  No, you need to protect yourself and your parenting.  That means being assertive while not being aggressive.  Have an overall strategy to successfully parent with supporting strategies that can adjust to her overreactions, attacks, delays, obstructions, etc.

[jedimaster]

My stbex started playing the waif/victim shortly after I asked for a divorce and moved out.  Prior to that she regularly threatened me with divorce, stating that if I didn't "get my act together" or do this or that, she could just leave at any time and leave me to run the household AND provide her with a comfortable living elsewhere.  Thankfully she hasn't raged or tried to stick me with false DV charges, etc.  Instead she has adopted the persona of the "brave little wife whose awful husband left her and she is forced to carry on as best she can."  She has told numerous people "I just don't understand why he wants this divorce.  I never wanted it."  She has refused to ask for help with any maintenance on the home even though I told her I would keep it up as long as she lived there.  Lately she has all but stopped mowing the lawn.  I think she wants it to look like I've abandoned her and she is just doing the best she can with the overwhelming load I've placed on her.  It's ridiculous, but it's better than raging.

[HopefulDad]

When I issued an ultimatum to my BPDxw that we either see a marriage counselor or get divorced, she also had a sea change in behavior.

For a while.

She learned a lot in counseling and implemented many of the MC's teachings and things were better.

For a while.

Then she quit the counselor as we continued to have problems, the counselor noticed a pattern in her behavior and thought process over several sessions and started turning the heat up on her to look within.  She felt the MC and I were ganging up on her.

The commitment to "working things out" with you will not last because she thinks the root of the problem is dysfunction in your marriage.  That's just a symptom.  The root of the problem is her disorder.  And even if she leaps the huge hurdle of acknowledging it, the bigger hurdle lies ahead in doing something long-term about it.

Ignore the sea change in behavior because it won't last.  Focus on the bigger questions: Do you want to stay with someone who is BPD?  Are you holding out hope she'll see the light and do something about it?  What if she does, but then goes back to square one?  What if she never does anything about it?   The odds are much more in favor of these kinds of scenarios than her actually getting better.

[gomez_addams]

My stbx uBPDw told an MC that she needed to make decisions about whether to end the marriage. The next week I offered to do a temporary separation and it's as if I had "666" stamped on my forehead, horns growing out of my head, and a pitchfork.

Recently, she gave me an ultimatum of XYZ or divorce. I chose divorce. And to her it was "out of nowhere" and "shocking"... .

I'm literally with 90 days of changing my phone number and moving on. All her talk of wanting to fight for the marriage and fix things is no more sincere than her empty threats to divorce me.

Gomez

[livednlearned]

Hi StrongDadof2,

Is there anything she could do or say to make you change your mind about going through with the divorce?

Also, have you retained a lawyer, and made plans for when you want her served?

[gomez_addams]

Buy Splitting... .And be prepared for everything in the book.

I didn't think mine would do some of those things, and she has. Best to assume she will.

Gomez

[StrongDadOf2]

@gomez_addams and @Foreverdad - Yes, I bought Splitting back in January and read through it.  Excellent preparation for this mess.

@livednlearned - Lawyer was retained 2 months ago, I told her about 1 month ago that we are getting divorced.  And there is no going back and changing my mind.  There are no papers to be filed in Virginia for a no-fault divorce (which is the route I'm going with so far) until 1 year after separation.

@HopefulDad - That is exactly the cycle that I do not want to get into.  For years she's been doing the whole ultimatum (do XYZ or get divorced) thing with me to get whatever she wants and tearing me down.

Last night, I told her that I was going to cancel our joint credit card, since I have not used it this year and do not want my name attached to debt that is not mine.  Being that is her only credit card, I said that I would wait until she cancels it or give her a few weeks before I cancel it.

I also told her that I am going to finally tell our son what is going on, because he's going to figure out pretty soon that I'm living out of the basement and his bathroom; he'll need to know why.  She said she needs a month, I told her Saturday is the day.  I'd rather have him start working through his emotions over the summer rather than during the school year.

This morning, she's been scrambling to read up on how to tell kids about divorce and moving money around to pay off the joint credit card.  Some action in the right direction!

[gomez_addams]

Some guidance I received was this: whatever her bad behavior patterns have been, expect more of it and more extreme. If she's violent, expect violence. If she's a blamer/accuser, expect that.

The patterns of behavior have been somewhat consistent. She's accused me of stuff, threatened to tell people about the "horrible things I do", and even told folks at church that I've had an affair and she has proof (I haven't, she doesn't). She hinted at telling people about the "abuse and other things."

My stbx uBPDw frequently gives backhanded compliments, and she's really been at it lately. It's as if she has no idea how to say something nice. She thanked me for taking care of some pre-divorce stuff (bank account related) by saying I "really stepped up and took care of things, unlike all the other times I let her down." That's normally a huge trigger for me -- so depressing to be told that you're normally a disappointment.

So anything that has worked in the past (manipulation-wise) expect more of it. Anything that stops working because you're moving on and feeling confident, expect an escalation.

Just my two cents based on my experience the past two months.

Gomez

[livednlearned]

So true what gomez says. Divorce is a triggering event, so the same behaviors tend to ramp up. Lawyers, when they are doing their job, really make you feel like they're protecting you from the other person. The introduction of lawyers can add fuel to things, both intentional and unintentional.

I would add that divorce can add a new behavior, which is parental alienation. I don't think PA was present in my marriage like it can be with some cases here. Divorce fanned the PA flame and made it really confusing for S13. He desperately wanted an engaged dad, and he got a version of that, except N/BPDx was so fixated on alienating me. That created a painful loyalty bind for S13.

Kids really suffer in these families.  :'(

[StrongDadOf2]

I'm hoping and praying that she can control herself enough so that there is minimal alienation.  My S12 hasn't had an engaged mom for most of his life, and my STBXW is finally engaging with him since I hold her about the divorce.

Luckily, we got to talk with our pastor together today and discuss how we are going to break the news to S12.  She tearfully agreed that separation is what is happening, and although she wanted to wait a month to tell him, with the pastor's assistance, we agreed on much sooner than that.  I'm frustrated that we are only able to have any kind of discussion as long as it's mediated by someone.  :)espite her verbalizing a need to communicate better and more often with me, she rarely initiates any conversation and typically shuts down when I initiate a conversation.

Moving in the right direction, though.

[livednlearned]

You may get some really good feedback from people on the Coparenting board about how they handled the conversation with their kids about divorce.

Kids seem to have very concrete concerns, like will they have two tooth brushes, and will they have to change schools. Whereas we as adults go to the big picture and assure them that we love them, etc. It's a very confusing time for kids, and it's good to talk to a child psychologist or maybe read up on recommended practices for when you break the news.

I commend you on being thoughtful about when to tell your son. Your wife must be a little more self-aware than my ex -- Bill Eddy describes three types of PD levels:

generally cooperative

not cooperative, not dangerous

not cooperative, dangerous

Hopefully your wife is generally cooperative. That means she won't sabotage your best efforts to tell S12 together, and will honor what your pastor suggested. In my case, N/BPDx was not cooperative and dangerous, so I left with S13 unexpectedly (to him, and a little abruptly for me). He told me a few weeks ago how confused he felt  :'( largely because he heard such different stories from mom and dad. Like your son, mine had almost no real relationship with his dad, who rarely left the house with S13. I can count on two hands the number of times they did something together that didn't involve me. So I assured S13 (9 at the time) that whatever was going to happen, I was going to be there, and knew that we were two resilient people who could get through this.

Really get your head around validation -- it will help you take that extra step into your son's world so you can bear witness to his experience. It's hard during divorce to do this because we our experiencing our own intense stress, and are concerned about our kids' well-being through our own filter.

Validation is the foundation that will help your son get through this and end up being emotionally resilient. You can read up on it in Lesson 5 on the Coparenting board. It's a life saver.