6mo NC w/BPD sister - an update

[Meadowslark]

 

I've been off and on the board at various times and I'm still in the thick of healing from my dBPDsis (25). She was diagnosed in January of this year, and I have not seen her or spoken to her since December, 2014. We have had no contact.

My sister moved to the East Coast in April after several terrible events. The TL:)R of which is:

• We got an apartment in July, made 2 suicide threats/attempts (one at work, one at home)

• in November, the last attempt made her decide to move out

• We broke the lease in November, held her accountable. She tried getting around paying her half but was unsuccessful. I had to threaten civil court.

• She got kicked out of mom's (lasted 10 days), moved in with dad. More suicide threats

• Christmas, more complaints about dad/mom/everything/life. I went NC

• January, broadcast a suicide attempt over the internet. I was contacted by a 'net friend, organized the 911 rescue. Did not speak to my sister during this time.

• April, convinced another 'net friend (let's call her B) to let her move in.


So in the time I've been NC with her, I discovered my own codependent tendencies and the overwhelming need to "fix" things. I've been working with my therapist about resolving these issues and while they're not gone by any means, they've diminished in intensity as I've learned to recognize the behavior as it's starting. I don't rush to try and solve the (personal) problem, whatever the problem may be, and I'm learning to calm my anger when people sometimes tend to wallow in self-pity and refuse to solve the problem (and just whine about it). Instead, I'm learning to put up a boundary and either drop the conversation, change the subject or leave the room. It's still a work in progress.

My sister and I were involved in an online game (me for 4+ years, her for 2+) but I quit after my sister's suicide shenanigans in January. I tried holding the moderators accountable for allowing my sister's suicide attempt to sway her position in the game (via emotional blackmail) but was met with dismissive comments. I decided enough was enough and quit.

Since she moved across the country, a friend happened upon B's postings online about how miserable BPDsis is making her. B used to tell me that I was the problem, not BPDsis, that I was the one who made BPDsis miserable, made her act out (and that I was the "bad one". After B made those comments, I went NC with her - she's too enmeshed with BPDsis to see things clearly. Now B is really getting it. She posts about being around Misery Incarnate (BPDsis), how BPDsis won't even brush her teeth or feed herself, how no matter what B does, it's never enough. The same song and dance I tried explaining to B, but B blamed me instead.

Mom told me a few things that she gets from BPDsis. She is very LC with Sis, never initiating conversation unless absolutely necessary.

• BPDsis messed up her car pretty badly very recently

• BPDsis got a job (recently) doing something that seems pretty dangerous. Considering that she attempted suicide at her last job, I wonder about the employer's ability to do a thorough background check

• She did not have a job for 6+ weeks after she moved in with B, thus making B very unhappy (and breaking a promise Sis made before moving in with B)

• One of Sis' biggest online supporters was banned from the game, thus sending BPDsis into a rage (she has no real-life friends except for B, and that relationship is wearing thin very quickly).

• BPDsis is using some very personal information against B to coerce B into doing things for her (blackmail)


Really, this is all pretty validating information, knowing that it wasn't really me who caused all these problems/misery - it was BPDsis' doing. Sometimes, when you're blamed for something that isn't your fault for so long, you begin to believe it. I know now that it's not my fault. I did my best as a sister for her and was met with vitriol and nastiness and blame-shifting. Now B is playing parent to BPDsis, and with the threat of college starting soon, things are only bound to get worse. B playing parent isn't helping matters either, but I'm NC with B as well, so B has to learn this on her own.

All in all, some crazy stuff happening but I'm not involved in it, nor will I be. I will not be in contact with BPDsis until she starts getting help and taking responsibility for her actions and all the pain and suffering she caused. I'll continue to work on myself as best I can, and move on with the wonderful life I'm building with my SO. We celebrated 1 year at the beginning of the month.

Cheers!

Meadowslark~

[Panda39]

Hi Meadowslark,

I've been following your story for a while now and I appreciate your update.  It sound's like your sister has just moved her traveling circus across country and is still doing the same old... .same old.  I'm glad you and your parents are getting a break from the chaos and drama.

I like hearing about what you have been doing and want to encourage you to keep it up.  Learning about yourself and improving how you handle those pesky rescuing tendencies is really good.

Thanks again for sharing the update and keep on taking care of yourself. 

Panda39

[Meadowslark]

It sound's like your sister has just moved her traveling circus across country and is still doing the same old... .same old. 

Thank you Panda! You're very right - my sister's traveling circus just moved to a new location and set up shop... .She's convinced it's everyone around her, not herself. A friend of mine said, "Wherever you go, there you are." and I think that liberally applies here. It's too bad it's so unlikely my sister will ever come to that realization.

My parents, even though they're divorced, are definitely happy about the break from all the chaos and drama, as I'm sure many people on this board would be in their similar situations. Life is so much... .easier! It's crazy.

Thank you so much for all your hugs and support. 

[hazel29]

I also had to respond, Meadowslark, because I get where you're coming from. It is really tough when you're scapegoated for a BPD's issues. If you're a person who otherwise likes to be there for people in need (like I am, and it sounds like you are), it can weigh on you heavily until you hear that others who blamed you are just as frustrated or are beginning to see you weren't just being cold or cruel.

My uBPDSIL had a meltdown and smeared me to her family because I told my BF she had approached me privately and asked me not to come to their mom's birthday. When he arrived to pick me up, I told him I was uncomfortable going, and he was angry with her for interfering and told her so.

She held onto a grudge about it for a year, despite me sensing something was wrong and offering to talk to her about it after. One night she just snapped and went on a scary tirade where she raged throughout her SIL's house at me. I considered calling the cops once she got violent with her mom, and I had to call someone to pick me up an hour out of town at 3 am.

After this, I pulled back in a big way. I was scared and didn't see it coming, even though she'd been difficult before. I'd never been through a situation like that and needed to figure out what to do.

After a few weeks had past, and the family had pressured me "not to split the family" by staying angry, because my BF would "have to side with me" (he's told them repeatedly that he was angry of his own accord, but that never seemed to really get through). I agreed to meet with her to resolve things, she brushed me off because she felt a few weeks was too long to wait, then she became confrontational at work. I left that job because I was scared she was going to sabotage it. Eventually, this lead to her cutting both of us off.

A lot of excuses were made for the first tirade. Her mom was insulting (I'd heard her, and she wasn't), I was too shy so it came accross as me not liking them etc. It felt awful because, in reality, nothing warrented that level of anger.


Her brother's family was vocal afterward about the fact they did not think well of me or my BF were putting the boundary there. They thought we should be chasing after her to offer to forget the whole thing. They were convinced she was a good person who just snapped once, and that "family forgives all", even though she'd confronted me at work. But I had tried to talk to her multiple times. I had tried letting things go, and I've found with her that they fester into a rage, and I did not want to put myself in that path again. Over the two years I'd known her,  I still felt I'd given her more than I did most people, and it still wasn't enough.

Part of their siding with her was because the story she tells contains a number of lies or exaggerations. I'm sure you're familiar with the account of events being completely warped to include things that never happened.  Me and my BF could see the pattern, they could not, and part of this was that my BF spent years around her, while the brother moved back only a few years ago and mostly only saw the sweet charmer I knew initially. B likely does not have the extensive history with your sister that you do.

She refused attempts to patch things up when I've reached out again later.

Months later she's getting divorced, has her mom helping her to take care of her child because she's struggling, and she's raged at several more people, including the brother's wife, insulting her weight amongst other things. She's gone after the people who defended her and made me seem like I just didn't understand. Yet they still hold on.

The brother recently told my BF that he was beginning to see she had a huge anger problem and that her versions of events leave big portions out and often completely obscure what happened. She will lie to suit the situation. It was an incredible weight off to feel people were starting to see my BF and I weren't just heartless and that we'd reached a breaking point after realizing that everything we tried to do made things worse. We wanted to know she was getting help or recognized there was a problem before patching anything up.


I'm very sorry for all you're going through. It sounds like a real roller coaster and is likely very frustrating. I struggled with guilt for months and felt doubly angry not only that I'd gone through things with her, but that I was being blamed for not being able to tolerate it any longer.  But it sounds like you're getting some validation that you're not crazy, and there IS a problem.

You are not the problem!

[deux soeurs]

Meadowslark congratulations on staying away from the drama that BPD brings.  I am just now reading your story and I am sure it was hard to go NC, as sometimes we are forced.  I was very fascinated by the part regarding online gaming.  I am starting to think a good outlet for folks with BPD is online anything... .I do understand you were involved with the gaming too.  My BPD sister is a regular on a chat room/forum and it seems she has hijacked, so to speak, a lot of the general information threads and talks about how her whole family has PD, she is now enlightened and cured... .etc.  It is easy to be someone you are not when your only friends are online and have never met you.  She has a small group of adoring fans whom applaud how she was "scapegoated" and how terrible all of her FOO are.  This of course is from BPD perspective.  Stay strong and do what you have to do to protect yourself.  I am currently NC for a year and I am so much more peaceful without worrying about thinking about the ticking time bomb that is my sister getting ready explode and spread her poison and lies all around me.  We don't need that poison in our lives!

[Meadowslark]

Hazel, that sounds so awful and frustrating. You try to reconcile, based on your own needs and the pressure the rest of the family puts on you, only to be denied and vilified... .   That's just terrible and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that.

It's very validating when others start to see all the crazy and the problems that you knew was there from the beginning, but they didn't believe you initially. 


Deux Soeurs, I utterly agree with you - online formats seem to be really good for BPD folks. Very little real interaction, and it's so easy to lie and never be found out since these people don't (usually) meet the people they're lying to. My BPDsis has many people online convinced that she's a boy, not a girl. From what I understand, gender dysphoria is a symptom of the "disturbed sense of identity" that goes along with having BPD. This "trans"gender "issue" my sister is having is very new and is one of many identities she's tried on over the years. They don't stick, but pretending to be the abused little brother of a horrible monster (me) seems to be working for her online. She doesn't go to therapy to start the conversion process, she doesn't always dress male (just when it suits her), she wears makeup, has dresses and nice shoes... .it doesn't make sense.

And I am so there with you with the whole "BPD sister is a regular on a chat room/forum and it seems she has hijacked, so to speak, a lot of the general information threads and talks about how her whole family has PD, she is now enlightened and cured... ." That's a real struggle, since we so badly want people to know the reath truth, not the crazy distorted reality the pwBPD make up. I considered divebombing the old game with a thread like, "I am the older sister of [BPDsis username], AMA" but I know that would cause more problems than it would solve.

BPDsis also has a small audience of "adoring fans" like your sister does. Are your sister's fans dwindling? BPDsis (I'll just call her G) has a small group but they are dwindling, especially as she's trying to meet some of them in real life. One she met in Vegas and that person was surprised to find out G isn't a boy... .and that person happened to be the one banned. I guess the huge gender lie just wasn't big enough?

You are very right though, we do NOT need their poison in our lives! 

[hazel29]

Btw: I didn't mean to hijack your thread with my issue, I just wanted to give context to my comments about identifying with your issue. Then it seemed to go on.

But I'd be very interested to hear how this all plays out for you. I imagine B will eventually be gone, unless her self esteem is close to non-existent.

[Meadowslark]

Btw: I didn't mean to hijack your thread with my issue, I just wanted to give context to my comments about identifying with your issue. Then it seemed to go on.

But I'd be very interested to hear how this all plays out for you. I imagine B will eventually be gone, unless her self esteem is close to non-existent.

No worries, Hazel! Sometimes it just happens - someone's story speaks to you and you share yours. It's totally fine. n_n It's validating to know someone else experiences this too!

I don't know too much about B - I do know she found her BIL after he committed suicide... .I don't know how he did it, but it was in the family home (where Sis and B are staying). Sis is using this information to blackmail B, saying, "It would be terrible to find me like that, wouldn't it, B?" It's horrific, and B shared this information in confidence with Sis and I.

I guess we'll see eventually how it all pans out. I don't think it'll go much longer, especially with school starting in autumn. Sis can hardly handle a job, let alone a job + school. I thought things were hellish when it was just her, I and her job. With school added into the mix, things went even further south incredibly fast. Only time will tell.

[BPDsiblingCA]

Wow!

Thank you for this post.  It completely hits me to my core.  I am totally struggling as I just begin to put all the pieces together about my uBPD sister, who I believe has been manipulating me for as long as I can remember.  She is finally in treatment for symptoms of her BPD, but it's likely that she has manipulated the treatment center and will come home with all the same issues, problems, drama, and I will no longer tolerate any of it.  Reading your post is helping me look deeper into my own co-dependency issues, and wanting to always save my uBPD over the years and never receiving any help in return... .when my life was difficult.  I have also reached out to a therapist for help, as I can now see our whole dysfunctional family for what it is.  I went NC with my uBPD sister in OCTOBER and NC with my other sister who is diagnosed bipolar about a year ago.  My parents were then told how terrible of a person I am and shown one sided texts... .and I have been vilified to the extreme by most of my family for months. Which has really hurt and made me feel bitter.  I like yourself, also began to wonder if I was the crazy one, it took a lot of soul searching and finding this BPD diagnosis ... .for me to really understand this pathology.

I am sending you huge hugs filled with love and support.  Keep strong... u  and again, thank you for this post.

[Meadowslark]

Wow!

Thank you for this post.  It completely hits me to my core.  I am totally struggling as I just begin to put all the pieces together about my uBPD sister, who I believe has been manipulating me for as long as I can remember.  She is finally in treatment for symptoms of her BPD, but it's likely that she has manipulated the treatment center and will come home with all the same issues, problems, drama, and I will no longer tolerate any of it.  Reading your post is helping me look deeper into my own co-dependency issues, and wanting to always save my uBPD over the years and never receiving any help in return... .when my life was difficult.  I have also reached out to a therapist for help, as I can now see our whole dysfunctional family for what it is.  I went NC with my uBPD sister in OCTOBER and NC with my other sister who is diagnosed bipolar about a year ago.  My parents were then told how terrible of a person I am and shown one sided texts... .and I have been vilified to the extreme by most of my family for months. Which has really hurt and made me feel bitter.  I like yourself, also began to wonder if I was the crazy one, it took a lot of soul searching and finding this BPD diagnosis ... .for me to really understand this pathology.

I am sending you huge hugs filled with love and support.  Keep strong... u  and again, thank you for this post.

Hey BPDsib! Were you raised to be a caretaker? I certainly was - those co-dependent, rescuing tendencies were all a part of daily life for us growing up, and was sometimes the only way my BPDsis would get through the day. Now she's 25 and I can see how much damage has been done, not only by her illness, but by being absolved of responsibility for her actions.

I am so sorry you have not one but two sisters with serious issues, and on top of that, you're vilified by your family. I am so so sorry. If you ever want to talk, my inbox and this thread are open.