Worst fears realized.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

It was as I feared.  I had every reason to be afraid of it.  As the whole thing had been devoid of hope from the beginning, it almost felt political or something.  I had been guilty from the moment I was arrested.  During the trial it looked to me, like there was no way in the pit of hell they could have bought stbexBPDw story.  Being on the stand testifying, and using the police statement to jog her memory of what she said to the police when she gave her initial statement, and upon going back a month later to layer it on thick for an additional statement, which resulted in the added two charges.

In hindsight, there was no way I was walking away from all 3 charges.  There were going to get me on some detail in one of them, and that would be the nail that drove the coffin shut for the other two.  There was some tactic there.

One of the charges was thrown out during the trial because EX couldn't recall the alleged incident.

From the Cole's notes of the judges 8 page decision, it was excrement. But not, at the same time.

It was the law, that because I had taken the phone from her to stop her from calling my folks at 1 in the morning, that I had been technically guilty of 'simple assault'.

I have been pretty afraid that they would hang me on the phone issue.  I had jerked the phone out of her hand.  I had admitted that on the stand.  It was exactly what they found me guilty on.  That being the case, as I was found guilty of that charge,the judge decided it was appropriate for me to be guilty of the completely fabricated charge.  The one where I apparently held a knife up menacingly.  Not threatening, or contacting---Just holding, but a weapon offense nonetheless.  The charge that was complete and utter bull without a word of truth in it, except that she had come to the condo and picked up our son that morning.

In the judge's decision it talked about how EX was so emotional, and grief stricken and traumatized, and how I was composed and calm, and yet,  'inconsistent' in my version of the story?  (I'll say that I was calm composed, and deliberate about telling the truth of it, despite the crowns relentless efforts to trip me up.)  So as it stands, the "strategy" of the defense lawyer was flawed, and I burn for it.  The judge sort of took both of our stories, and made her own narrative out of them.  It sucked.

The burden of proof does not fall on the prosecution to prove my guilt.  It was completely on me to prove my innocence.  I think my lawyer made a huge mistake when she kept minimizing that.

The crown prosecutor, so vibrantly full of malice.  I say this, as with every case she works, (my lawyer told me about this, with her professional opinion on her behavior), she is out for blood.  She asks for penalties far beyond necessary as to be a champion for the people destroying those that break the law.  (I wonder if she texts while she drives.)

As it is, she has been "extreme" (my lawyers word) in her handling of this case. 

As for an appeal, looking at the case, it comes down to the phone issue.  The phone was the proverbial nail.  Maybe the judge shouldn't have found me guilty on the bogus knife charge.  She still was within the law by finding me guilty of the phone charge. 

As it looks.

Best case:

My lawyer is aggressively pursuing a conditional discharge.  This means that I go through another year of the same restrictions I have now, some counselling and anger management and domestic violence (cough) counselling, and I come out with my record being expunged and not having been convicted.  Yup.  Best case.  ----Right about now, sounds brilliant.

Worst case.

The crown prosecutor is aggressively pursuing jail time and not at all considering a discharge of any kind because there is a charge that involves a weapon.  (Great)  Sentencing to range from 15 - 90 days of 'in the community' (in my home) type jailing, or incarceration.  ---great.

What happens now.

The ex has done her damage.  I will not be able to change things in family court.  Rather, as it's so ambiguous, it's just really hard to tell, and not to be trusted.

In the short term, I have given the family lawyer notice that my file is to be closed after a final thing from him. I will not be paying any more for nothing to happen.  He completely understands.  I certainly don't stand to gain anything, it's just draining.

StbexBPDw will make a victim impact statement. It is where she talks about how she has been affected by the abuse and how it has destroyed her life, and victim victim victim, he is evil, punish him.

As a sure fire way to minimize at least  some of the damage, I have been instructed to get into Anger management and DV counselling immediately.  Before the sentencing.  As it would look as I'm atoning for my crime, and accepting responsibility for my actions. 

I think that before all this, I didn't have anger issues.  I had anxiety, low self-esteem, some paranoia and I think some ptsd sort of related traits from being with a volatile BPD.  As it is, honestly, some anger management and some counselling?  Pretty good idea me thinks right now.  Count me in.

Sentencing is in two months.  I am moving quickly to secure Character letters, and to get into counselling to sort of step in front of the bullet and minimize as much of the incoming damage as possible.

[chefbruce]

It was as I feared.  I had every reason to be afraid of it.  As the whole thing had been devoid of hope from the beginning, it almost felt political or something.  I had been guilty from the moment I was arrested.  During the trial it looked to me, like there was no way in the pit of hell they could have bought stbexBPDw story.  Being on the stand testifying, and using the police statement to jog her memory of what she said to the police when she gave her initial statement, and upon going back a month later to layer it on thick for an additional statement, which resulted in the added two charges.

In hindsight, there was no way I was walking away from all 3 charges.  There were going to get me on some detail in one of them, and that would be the nail that drove the coffin shut for the other two.  There was some tactic there.

One of the charges was thrown out during the trial because EX couldn't recall the alleged incident.

From the Cole's notes of the judges 8 page decision, it was excrement. But not, at the same time.

It was the law, that because I had taken the phone from her to stop her from calling my folks at 1 in the morning, that I had been technically guilty of 'simple assault'.

I have been pretty afraid that they would hang me on the phone issue.  I had jerked the phone out of her hand.  I had admitted that on the stand.  It was exactly what they found me guilty on.  That being the case, as I was found guilty of that charge,the judge decided it was appropriate for me to be guilty of the completely fabricated charge.  The one where I apparently held a knife up menacingly.  Not threatening, or contacting---Just holding, but a weapon offense nonetheless.  The charge that was complete and utter bull without a word of truth in it, except that she had come to the condo and picked up our son that morning.

In the judge's decision it talked about how EX was so emotional, and grief stricken and traumatized, and how I was composed and calm, and yet,  'inconsistent' in my version of the story?  (I'll say that I was calm composed, and deliberate about telling the truth of it, despite the crowns relentless efforts to trip me up.)  So as it stands, the "strategy" of the defense lawyer was flawed, and I burn for it.  The judge sort of took both of our stories, and made her own narrative out of them.  It sucked.

The burden of proof does not fall on the prosecution to prove my guilt.  It was completely on me to prove my innocence.  I think my lawyer made a huge mistake when she kept minimizing that.

The crown prosecutor, so vibrantly full of malice.  I say this, as with every case she works, (my lawyer told me about this, with her professional opinion on her behavior), she is out for blood.  She asks for penalties far beyond necessary as to be a champion for the people destroying those that break the law.  (I wonder if she texts while she drives.)

As it is, she has been "extreme" (my lawyers word) in her handling of this case. 

As for an appeal, looking at the case, it comes down to the phone issue.  The phone was the proverbial nail.  Maybe the judge shouldn't have found me guilty on the bogus knife charge.  She still was within the law by finding me guilty of the phone charge. 

As it looks.

Best case:

My lawyer is aggressively pursuing a conditional discharge.  This means that I go through another year of the same restrictions I have now, some counselling and anger management and domestic violence (cough) counselling, and I come out with my record being expunged and not having been convicted.  Yup.  Best case.  ----Right about now, sounds brilliant.

Worst case.

The crown prosecutor is aggressively pursuing jail time and not at all considering a discharge of any kind because there is a charge that involves a weapon.  (Great)  Sentencing to range from 15 - 90 days of 'in the community' (in my home) type jailing, or incarceration.  ---great.

What happens now.

The ex has done her damage.  I will not be able to change things in family court.  Rather, as it's so ambiguous, it's just really hard to tell, and not to be trusted.

In the short term, I have given the family lawyer notice that my file is to be closed after a final thing from him. I will not be paying any more for nothing to happen.  He completely understands.  I certainly don't stand to gain anything, it's just draining.

StbexBPDw will make a victim impact statement. It is where she talks about how she has been affected by the abuse and how it has destroyed her life, and victim victim victim, he is evil, punish him.

As a sure fire way to minimize at least  some of the damage, I have been instructed to get into Anger management and DV counselling immediately.  Before the sentencing.  As it would look as I'm atoning for my crime, and accepting responsibility for my actions. 

I think that before all this, I didn't have anger issues.  I had anxiety, low self-esteem, some paranoia and I think some ptsd sort of related traits from being with a volatile BPD.  As it is, honestly, some anger management and some counselling?  Pretty good idea me thinks right now.  Count me in.

Sentencing is in two months.  I am moving quickly to secure Character letters, and to get into counselling to sort of step in front of the bullet and minimize as much of the incoming damage as possible.

[gomez_addams]

Man, that is tough. My deepest sympathies... .

I wish I had some tactical or strategic advice, but I don't.

Hang in there. Reading your post, you seem like you are holding up better than 95% of men in your situation would. I know that's no consolation.

Gomez

[momtara]

Wow, sorry to hear it. Maybe by that time the sentence will be something brief and minimal.

Do you have kids?

What does your lawyer think?

Remember, you can post for free on avvo. com in your state if you need a little extra advice.

[maxen]

chefbruce i am so so sorry for this. all of us here know what it means to be dealing with a pwBPD. all strength to you.

[chefbruce]

Thanks all.

I have a 3rd yr old son.

when I was arrested i was placed on recognizance.

i had  to go into family court to get access to him.

I can see him two days a week from 9-5.

I don't think that will change in the short term.

If I go to jail, that will be a shoe in  the wrong direction that stbexBPDw can take out son back to Japan.

(The looming threat since a week after he was born.)

Lawyer says it's sll up in the air .

[Panda39]

chefbruce,

My SO other went through something similar, he was accused by his ex of child abuse because he threw a phone (what is it about the phone?) into the couch (guess who he was talking to?).  Throwing the phone into the couch became, throwing the phone and shattering it (really? he's still using it today 3 years later), then it became taking the phone from the kids so they couldn't call their mom, finally morphing into he wouldn't allow the girls to leave his apartment when they wanted to leave.  I should add that mom was running a Parental Alienation Campaign so even though the kids saw something different they 'believed" moms exaggerated version of events even though she wasn't even there!

My SO was dragged into court to defend himself.  The oh so concerned uBPDmom did not even go to the hearing, the judge was told she was ill, what was she doing? Out getting a manicure with their younger daughter.  The charges were found unfounded and dropped however he too had to attend therapy for anger management.

So you go to anger management classes and learn to "manage" your anger better.

But the reason I tell you this story is because you, like my SO has every reason to be ANGRY and I want to validate that! So you go to anger management classes and learn to "manage" your anger better it couldn't hurt to learn new skills. I'm not trying to fan the flames, but I'm here to tell you that ANGER is a legitimate feeling based on what you have gone through.

Hang in there.

Panda39

[momtara]

oh, sorry to hear the japan thing. the judge should be more sympathetic knowing there is that risk. just document and record everything you can. i know it may be late in the game, but you never know when she may threaten that again. judges hate it when someone threatens to not let the other person see their kid again. also, i'm surprised you have so little time based on that charge. if there is a time to get a great lawyer and spend all your money and ask friends for help, it's now. unless you feel your son going to japan may be best for him and in this situation. it's up to you. sorry to hear you had to deal with this. i don't know what the laws are in japan about doing this sort of thing. some countries are easier to deal with than others. i'm sure you've seen media reports about dad whose kids got taken to other countries and the long legal battles. better not to let it happen if you think it would be a bad idea.

[livednlearned]

Really sorry to hear how things turned out, chefbruce. You've been through a lot.

My experience in court is that judges want everyone to lose. So, you get charged, and the sentence will be light -- that's my guess. The description of the "assault" is pretty minor to what many courts see, at least in terms of domestic violence. Hopefully you will get a light sentence that is expunged.

Are you able to still see your son per the visitation schedule?

[ForeverDad]

My ex made explicit death threats before and after I called the police.  She even grabbed the handset and hung up my 911 call.  I think I was almost carted off, but my preschooler shrieked and clung even tighter to me when they instructed me to hand him over to his mother and "step away" and so they just said "work it out" and left.  What kid won't go to his mother?  Ever since I've said he saved me that day.  Once I downloaded the recording when she was elsewhere, I called and had them come back.  The recording was used in court, she even admitted threatening me.  However the judge said there was no weapon in her hands, was not an "imminent" threat per case law and so found her not guilty.  So I asked my lawyer if she has the right now to make death threats with impunity as long as her hands are empty?

I think he made that ruling because (1) she wasn't a repeat offender, it was her first time and (2) of course she was female.  How could a man be a victim?  The case law was of another case where a guy came home drunk and told his wife that if he had a gun he's shoot her.  Well, he didn't have a gun and so she couldn't get a conviction.  Even my ADA remarked that my case wasn't the same as that 'conditional threat' referenced in case law.

What I failed to include in the post above was that she destroyed the phone by throwing in my direction but hitting the wall.  She was actually obstructing my contact to emergency services.  Court totally ignored that, though I've heard in some jurisdictions it is a huge no-no, both obstructing a 911 call or destruction of property?  Wasn't even addressed in my case.  I figure I was the wrong gender and it was her first offense brought to the court's attention.  But I knew that if I'd done what she had done then I wouldn't have gotten off so easily.

So in your case, when you're back in court again, can you emphasize that (1) it was a first time, you are not a revolving door perp, (2) it was a one-time incident that won't happen again, with the disclaimer that you can't stop her from making more largely unsubstantiated, blaming or trapping allegations and (3) there was one small kernel of potential basis and the rest was exaggeration, invention or perception?

One more point to make.  Assure the court that whatever it concluded happened, it won't happen again, that you're not going to be back again and again for something like this.  State that back then you were in a relationship with her but you have ended it and so with distance henceforth this incident won't happen again.

Are letters of support accepted in your court?  In my country letters and affidavits mean little or nothing, my lawyer said he always objects and is sustained since he can't cross-examine a piece of paper.  Ask your attorney if it would be better to have people come in person rather than send letters.