Entire family revolves around BPD mother & NPD father

[renren]

I'm new to this site but I have read portions of it from time to time. I joined today because I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with my NPD father and BPD mother. I am in my late 40s and they are in their 70s. I live about four hours away. In the last few years they have lost several family members that they would dive around to visit in their RV-now it's just their children. They have no friends or hobbies other than taking care of their dogs and visiting their children. I have a sibling who lives in the same town and they like to drop by every three months or so and they also like to plan elaborate reasons for us to visit them (including "illnesses". For several years before everyone they knew died, I rarely heard from them and we only saw each other at Christmas and maybe once in the summer. Now it's every time I answer the phone. I dread the visits, my SO dreads the visits, my sibling dreads the visits. The visits always seem to go smoothly but only because we have been raised to keep our mouths shut and/or agree with everything they say. If we don't, my mother becomes hysterical and perhaps even physically ill (to make us feel guilty I believe) and my father becomes angry if we upset her or disagree with his politics which are somewhat conspiracy oriented and definitely racist and misogynistic. I am so miserable but I don't know how to extract myself from this situation or change the dynamics without angering my entire family. They aren't all bad but they are dificult to be around and it takes months to recuperate after a visit. I know they are getting older so their is guilt to that I don't want to see them every two to three months for several days each visit. I hope someone has some advice. Thank you.

[bethanny]

Can you limit the visits to fewer times, maybe specific holidays so it is not every 2-3 months?

Can you and your sibling just put them up for less time per visit? 

It is hard to make boundaries when everyone is "making nice" and not being honest.  But honesty does indeed invite hysteria and/or ragings.  The use of tantrums and victim stancing are the tools of the uBPD.  Exploiting fear, obligation and guilt.

Your sibling and you and SO all seem on the same page which is helpful. You need to support each other in this.  When we challenge the uBPD there is immediate escalation of rage or hysteria. Hard to ride that.  Sometimes there is not de-escalation after the escalation, at least soon enough, which I found with my mother. I had to go NC for a long time. She turned to others in the family and they tried to comfort her and detached from me out of a show of loyalty to her it seemed. That was heartbreaking and really woke me up to how little impact my needs and feelings really had on her. It took so little to be considered her absolute ENEMY.  It is hard for others who don't go through that testing to know the bottom line. How brittle and super controlling and ruthless she can be.

Good luck.  Good you are conscious of what reality is. 

[HappyChappy]

extremely difficult time dealing with my NPD father and BPD mother. I am in my late 40s and they are in their 70s. I live about four hours away... .I dread the visits, my SO dreads the visits, my sibling dreads the visits. The visits always seem to go smoothly but only because we have been raised to keep our mouths shut and/or agree with everything they say... .I am so miserable but I don't know how to extract myself from this situation or change the dynamics without angering my entire family... .I hope someone has some advice. Thank you.

Our situations are very similar and I have struggled in the same way. From what you say, you find the visits too stressful (understandable), but you worry about cutting this down because of the manipulation techniques your parents use. You also feel there’s a risk of cutting off the whole family.

When I researched this over a year ago, the options I saw were to either set strong boundaries with your parents (i.e. you set the visiting timetable and stick to is). You’ll have to weather a rebellion, but the important point here is you must stick to those boundaries  no matter what.

The other option is to go No Contact, but from what you say, this would risk isolation from the rest of the family.  My BPD mom and NPS relative were both highly enabled and aggressive, so they both now live in isolation and I tried LC, but they had no concept of not getting their way so I’m now NC. But your relatives sound different and you mentioned they had friends they visited – no one visited my BPD mom, most people were scared of her. So I’m not suggesting a way, just outlining your options. The theory states that  a BPD and NPD need a daily  narcissist supply, so in time they will find something to get their teeth into, that may also take the pressure off you. Hope this helps, and I'm sure you'll find this website always ready to give you support in whatever you decid. 

[Seoulsister]

I am in a similar situation, but it's my mother in law and father in law. It's exhausting dealing with the tantrums and drama and it's also frustrating feeling like you can't be yourself or have feelings or opinions. MIL's anxiety is through the roof during visits because she's out of her element.

I agree with trying to limit the number of visits. If that's not possible, maybe you could plan a trip out of town to coincide with their trip.  Or, when they're in town (assuming they're not staying with you) limit your time with them. Meet up just once or twice. For us, it's easiest to meet up at neutral places, like restaurants, so we know we're only spending the length of meal time with them and we can part ways afterward. Have other obligations the rest of their visit, and if necessary, find something that will keep you unavailable during that time.