My Husband Cheated

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi, my BPD husband cheated on me at Xmas... .He moved out while we tried to sell the house. When the house was sold, I moved to an apartment. The woman he cheated on me with was no longer in the picture. We continued to talk and see each other allot. Then a month ago I discovered through Facebook , he has been involved with another woman that he has started to have an affair with a year ago through work that ended when her husband talked to their boss and had her moved! They began working together again in Feb.  We legally separated in April , then she did in May. He told me that I should know he can't be alone. I was hoping the separation would cause him to get help with his issues, but now I think he thinks he is in love with this new person. He told me that too much has happened between us and we need to just be separate for the year and then revisit the marriage later! That I should find someone to date, but not tell him about it! He is still telling me he loves me and hates the distance between us. I finally decided to tell him I am considering us divorced since he is choosing to act as such and blocked him from my phone. I cannot take all of the trying to get sympathy from me while he is with someone else and not wanting to get help... .This is a huge mess and I am feeling that I must move on, but am devastated after 8 years with him and all the trauma we went through together and all of the steps I took to help him and learn about his disorder. Now he is with someone younger and not too bright I am afraid. I feel like when something bad happens she will not be able to handle it. Not my problem I suppose, but I am very unhappy... .what do I do? We have only gone 3 days with out talking up until 4 days ago I blocked him. Will absence make the heart grow fonder in this case... .or is it out of sight, out of mind. I know they are in the love bombing phase, but I am sure he is starting to show his other side. She posts everything publicly on Facebook, so I can tell everything is not all hunky-dory! The whole thing is just awful!

[Herodias]

Hi, my BPD husband cheated on me at Xmas... .He moved out while we tried to sell the house. When the house was sold, I moved to an apartment. The woman he cheated on me with was no longer in the picture. We continued to talk and see each other allot. Then a month ago I discovered through Facebook , he has been involved with another woman that he has started to have an affair with a year ago through work that ended when her husband talked to their boss and had her moved! They began working together again in Feb.  We legally separated in April , then she did in May. He told me that I should know he can't be alone. I was hoping the separation would cause him to get help with his issues, but now I think he thinks he is in love with this new person. He told me that too much has happened between us and we need to just be separate for the year and then revisit the marriage later! That I should find someone to date, but not tell him about it! He is still telling me he loves me and hates the distance between us. I finally decided to tell him I am considering us divorced since he is choosing to act as such and blocked him from my phone. I cannot take all of the trying to get sympathy from me while he is with someone else and not wanting to get help... .This is a huge mess and I am feeling that I must move on, but am devastated after 8 years with him and all the trauma we went through together and all of the steps I took to help him and learn about his disorder. Now he is with someone younger and not too bright I am afraid. I feel like when something bad happens she will not be able to handle it. Not my problem I suppose, but I am very unhappy... .what do I do? We have only gone 3 days with out talking up until 4 days ago I blocked him. Will absence make the heart grow fonder in this case... .or is it out of sight, out of mind. I know they are in the love bombing phase, but I am sure he is starting to show his other side. She posts everything publicly on Facebook, so I can tell everything is not all hunky-dory! The whole thing is just awful!

[Mutt]

Hi Herodias,



I'm sorry to hear that your H had an affair. That's tough.  A break-up with a pwBPD can be painful, confusing and chaotic.

I can understand separating to give each other space and time to self-reflect and a chance at reconciling.

You took steps to educate yourself about the disorder. Is he diagnosed?

I can understand how difficult it is to detach, you blocked him 4 days ago and talked 3 days ago. The emotional / psychological maturation with a pwBPD is stuck, unfortunately the heart does not grow fonder and it's not necessarily out of mind.

[Herodias]

I am not totally sure if he wants a divorce or not. I feel like he wants to see how this goes first or something... .They never totally diagnosed him, but it is on record at the VA that he has BPD. He had been in the mental ward several times for cutting himself. He says I do not need to be with him, that he is on a downward spiral. I don't know whether to talk to him or not. All it does is upset me. And yes, I took a course through NAMI... .Also, He told me he is miserable in his life... .that he is not happy with anything. I asked about his new relationship and he said, no, he is not happy with his life at all! Is this just for sypathy?

[Mutt]

That must of been scary when your H was cutting himself and was admitted. I'm sorry.

I get it, my ex cheated and left and wanted divorce yet wasn't following through with it. He may very well want to see how it goes first with the new partner, he needs an attachment and this is how he survives.

He lacks a stable sense of self, doesn't know who he really is, has feelings of emptiness and worthlessness. I can understand how someone would not feel happy?

How self aware is he? Does he sense he needs to get help for himself?

I can understand how emotionally upsetting this is   

Do you have kids?

[Herodias]

Thank you... .we do not have kids, but he calls the pets we have his kids. I have them. He has been to counseling so many times but has never actually done the work. So, he doesn't think it helps. He abuses medication if they give it to him and that has been a big problem. He says he is trying to cut back on his drinking, which he knows is a problem to. He is now 34 and been dealing with this a long time. I think he thinks this new relationship will be different and she will accept his problems, but from what I see about her, she may very well have some bad ones herself. I asked him last Sat. to dump her so we can work on things, but he said no, he doesn't want to do counseling.That there is too much between us now.  I told him then I need to consider myself divorced since he is acting that way himself. He said, don't say that. Is my best option to cut all contact or not? I don't know what to do. I normal situations they say let them be and the rebound relationship will fizzle. Is that the case here, or will he feel abandoned by me? I can't live with someone that will continue to be a serial cheater and that is what I am afraid of here. If I take him back he will not respect me. If I tell him I refuse to talk to him while he is with someone else, is that a good boundary... .what do I do?

[Mutt]

An 8 year relationship is a long history and I can see how difficult it is to see a partner go through this and the pain inflicted with an affair. He's self medicating and doesn't think that therapy helps. A recovering Borderline has to says:

What every Non Needs To Know

A borderlines who is serious about therapy will be responsible enough to make their appointments, be honest with their therapists, and do any and all suggested homework. Borderlines serious about treatment will pursue it, and make a commitment to it.

Anything less than this is a waste of time and money, typically with the borderline just going through the motions to placate someone else.

Some with BPD may want to change but cannot make a commitment, or have the motivation and personal responsibility needed to make it work. If the person with BPD in your life misses appointments, re-schedules them, and/or finds endless reasons why the therapists they've seen is "the problem", "make things difficult" or "just doesn’t understand”, you are likely dealing with someone who isn’t really invested in getting help, or getting better.

Borderline Personality Disorder Therapy - Is Your Loved One Serious?

How about you Herodias?

Are you getting emotional support from family and friends? Are you in T?

[Herodias]

I have seen her work and read one of her books... .this is very true. I think that is why I need to move on and even though it is very painful, give up on the hope he will do any of this work. Seems like he hasn't lost enough yet. He may lose his job soon as well... .I think this is part of why he wants me in the loop. He depends on me to help him when he falls. I just don't think I need to be there with this other girl in the picture. I am quite a bit older than him and she is 8 years younger. I think he knows he cannot count on her the same way he can with me. I want him to miss me though... .My family wants me to be done with him. I am trying to self help by reading allot and getting in recovery line sites like this. Gong to church is new thing for me as well... .

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear he may lose his job. I think only we know where our rock bottom is, we can speculate and there's no certainties. It's hard to watch a loved one go through that.

You're his wife and had a long history, have experience and tolerance. I care for my ex wife and do hope that one day she may get help. I think we can have compassion with boundaries. I had to let go and let god.